Dancing Through Life (3 page)

Len said, “You can dance. Well done.” Bruno called me a contemporary dancer. Me? A girl whose dancing experience had previously been limited to a childhood recital in a cat costume and a few fun wedding dances? Carrie Ann asked me where those moves had come from. “You are such an incredible dancer,” she said. “I want to see it again!”

I was on cloud nine. I was out of the boat, walking toward my dream with my eyes focused on Jesus and I wasn’t sinking! I felt so much pride in myself for tackling something I had never done before—and to top it off, I got the first 9 of the night along with two 8s for a total of 25 out of 30 points, placing me second at the top of the leaderboard!

The Faces behind the Scenes

I’m not sure I could have made it through that first show without the support of my family and friends. If you watched the show, you might have caught a glimpse of Val and the kids and a few friends who came to the taping. Each celebrity was given eight tickets per show. The producers were strict about the number of guests we could invite. They would not give us more than those eight tickets. If I could have bent that rule, I would have. I wanted everyone I knew to watch my
DWTS
debut!

The faces you didn’t see were the people cheering me on from beyond the
DWTS
stage. Starting with that very first show, I had two prayer teams in place led by my friend Clare Smith. Clare is a fitness blogger I met several years ago when I launched a website called Roo Magazine. Clare was recommended to me as a health and fitness writer and joined my team. Because of our shared love for health, fitness, food, and cute clothes, Clare and I clicked instantly. She’s become a close friend. I’ve since taken Roo Magazine down, but my friendship with Clare and several of the other members of my writing team remains. When Clare learned I would be on
DWTS
, she offered to host a prayer team for me. She asked me for a list of individuals I wanted her to include on the prayer team and suggested we break the names into two groups. The first was an intimate group of prayer partners that she could e-mail the specific details of my prayer needs. That became a tight circle of women who prayed faithfully for me throughout the entire journey. Clare also organized a larger group of about thirty ladies who I trusted to pray for me in more general terms.

Clare sent out regular prayer updates to those two teams. She would often direct them to pray a certain passage of Scripture for me and would ask me daily how the groups could pray for me. I sure needed those prayers as I faced the first live show, and as the journey continued my prayer team became an absolute lifeline. They prayed me through that first show and they were right there cheering for me as it wrapped. The feedback from that first show was very positive. My phone blew up with texts of encouragement and people saying, “Way to go!”

All of that fed into my high, but as I looked down from that mountain of excitement and pride and support, I started to worry about the next round of competition. I was proud of myself for conquering my fears and was thrilled that Mark and I had hit one out of the park, but almost immediately I started to fear I had set the bar too high for myself. I don’t like disappointing people and I was suddenly afraid that I wouldn’t be able to live up to the expectations of others. I wanted room to grow as a dancer and a woman, and I was afraid that the judges and the public were going to expect too much of me going forward. They would expect me to improve, but the bar had already been set so high. Just like Peter went from walking on the water to sinking like a stone in an instant, my fears and anxieties started to pull me down.

Proceed with Caution: Stormy Waters Ahead

Like so much of my
DWTS
journey, learning to ride the peaks and valleys of the show mirrored my Christian walk. For many Christians, coming to Jesus is a spiritual high. It is exciting! The love and acceptance of Jesus is awesome and overwhelming. At first, it is so easy to want to share Jesus with everybody, but it doesn’t take long to hit a roadblock.

I cringe when I hear someone preach that people should come and try Jesus because He will improve their life. They promise peace and joy and love, and I’ve seen new believers grab on to that with both hands, expecting God to be the genie that makes their life easy. While it’s true that peace, joy, and love are gifts that God loves to give His children, He never promises that our lives will be problem-free. When we don’t understand that truth, we can be alarmed and upset when life gets hard. I’ve heard new believers say, “I thought God was supposed to make my life better!” But that’s not why we come to Christ. We come to Him because we are great sinners and He is a great Savior.

Remember that story of Peter walking on the water toward Jesus? The Bible does not say that Jesus calmed the storm before He invited Peter to step out of the boat. The storm was still raging. The waves were still crashing. That water was still churning! But Jesus was with His friends in the midst of the storm.

As that first show ended, I couldn’t help but wonder if I was sailing toward stormy waters. I didn’t want to be a one-hit wonder. It was so exciting to get high scores and to feel the love of my friends and fans, but I immediately felt the pressure of setting the bar so high.

The only way I could stay afloat was the same way Peter did. I kept my eyes on Jesus. I determined to walk as He had called me to do, pressing on with my eyes on Him.

Chapter 3

But the L
ord
said to Samuel, “Do not look at his appearance or his stature, because I have rejected him. Man does not see what the L
ord
sees, for man sees what is visible, but the L
ord
sees the heart.”

—1 Samuel 16:7

W
ARNING: Standing with conviction takes courage!

There was no time to catch my breath after the first show. When the sun came up the day after that triumphant first live performance, Mark and I headed back into the rehearsal studio for the next round of competition. It turned out to be a leg of my
DWTS
journey that proved that standing with conviction isn’t always easy or popular.

In an interview for the show on that first day I met Mark, the producers asked me what dance I wanted to do most. I drew a total blank! To be honest, because of my inexperience as a dancer, at that point I simply didn’t know the difference between a fox-trot and a cha-cha. Natasha piped up and suggested that I pick a rumba or a samba. I’m not sure she knew what those dances looked like at that point either, but I said, “Sure! I really want to do the rumba.” Note to self: don’t let your teenage daughter pick your favorite dance! Especially if it’s one you’ll be dancing live on national television, in front of millions of people.

It turns out that the rumba is one of the toughest ballroom dances to master. In that first day of practices, Mark described the rumba to me as “the dance of love.” It is designed to be a romantic dance, characterized by slow, sensual hip movements. Mark was worried because of the difficultly of the dance in the second week of competition. I was worried for different reasons. I knew that I wanted to represent Christ well and I wanted to honor my husband. I had already made the decision that I wouldn’t sell sex for the sake of getting further on the show. I had made up my mind, and stated publicly, that I wanted to be modest because of my roles as wife and mom and because I knew from the Word that modesty mattered to God. But, this was a sexy dance! How could I do a routine designed to showcase sexuality and still stand with conviction?

Can I shoot straight with you? Standing with conviction isn’t easy. Going with the flow and bending to the standards of the world around me would have been a much smoother path. I didn’t go on
DWTS
to crusade for my faith or to take a stand for modesty, but I was determined to be true to who I am. I am a Christian. I am a happily married woman who desires to reserve some parts of my life and my body for my husband. I am someone who wants to showcase Christ in the way that I live and dress. It wasn’t always easy to be true to those parts of my identity on
DWTS
, but let’s face it, Easy Street doesn’t always take us where we want to be anyway.

In fact, James 1:2–4 encourages us to consider it a great joy when the road gets rocky, “Consider it a great joy, my brothers, whenever you experience various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. But endurance must do its complete work, so that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing.”

This week of the competition tested my willingness to truly stand with conviction. But that testing led to steadfastness—an unswerving, unflinching, unwavering commitment to live according to God’s Word. My time on
DWTS
is only a small part of my story. Over and over I learned that this was not a journey about dancing or about being on a television show. This was about learning to live with conviction in all areas of my life. When the cameras were on and when they were off. When the public was behind me and when they weren’t. When I was wearing my celebrity hat and when I was wearing the hats of wife, mom, sister, daughter, and friend. James was right, while the testing of my faith sometimes felt like a trial, complete with a judge and jury, I loved the opportunity to live what I believed in front of the watching world.

Making Adjustments

Early in the week, Mark brought me into the studio to show me the dance he choreographed for us to perform. Every pro choreographs differently. Some choreograph while simultaneously teaching the moves to their celebrity partner. Mark tended to do the choreography on his own and then show me the finished product using another pro partner.

The dance he choreographed for the rumba was beautiful! True to rumba style, it was a very slow, sensual dance. It clearly told the story of the roller coaster ride that romantic relationships can sometimes be. Performed to A Great Big World’s, “Say Something,” it was a very emotional and beautiful piece. I literally cried when Mark showed me the choreography. I felt like he was telling such a passionate story and I got sucked right into its depths!

At the very end of the dance, there was a particularly beautiful and poignant move that made me catch my breath after seeing it and gave me a little tingle inside. I wondered if I was just taken from the emotion of the dance, or if there was something more to it. I had videotaped that first dance so that I could rewatch the moves later that night, burning them into my memory. As I was watching the tape at home, I had another pause in my spirit at the end of the dance. I wondered if the maneuver was too sexy or if it would be perceived in a way that didn’t match up with who I am as a wife, a mom, and a woman.

Do you remember how I told you my convictions are determined? My first litmus test is God’s Word.

I knew that the Bible commanded me to honor my husband (Eph. 5:33) and to present myself in a way that is respectable and modest (1 Tim. 2:8–10). I wanted to live out those principles because they were clear in God’s Word. But what did that look like, exactly? What did respecting Val look like in the context of a sensual dance on a reality television show? What does modesty mean exactly? Is it just about clothing, or did it extend into the way I carried myself on and off the dance floor?

In a situation where the Bible does not clearly outline the choice I should make, I ask the Holy Spirit to inform my convictions. I believe that little hesitation in my heart about the dance move at the end of the routine was a nudge from the Holy Spirit.

I told you in chapter 1 that I make choices based on what God’s Word says, what I sense the Holy Spirit is saying to my heart,
and
through the discernment and encouragement of wise people in my life. In this situation, Val played an active role in helping me think through my choices on the show, just like he does in “real life.” I showed him the tape of the rumba without letting him know about my concerns on the last move. He watched the dance and when it got to the move in question he said, “I don’t like that last move. I’m not sure it will be perceived well.” My response was, “Okay. Good. That was the one I was hesitating about, so if you feel that way too I will ask Mark to change it.”

The Bible helped me know the importance of respecting my husband. The Holy Spirit nudged me that one element of the dance might not be perceived as doing that. So, I took it to my community—in this case, that was specifically my husband—and he lovingly encouraged me to make a change. The result was a conviction, or a decision, that part of the dance wasn’t a good fit for who I am and what I stand for. As a result, I asked Mark to change it. He honored that and adjusted the dance to make me more comfortable.

What Submission Really Looks Like

I’ve taken some heat for saying publicly that I believe the Bible calls me to submit to the leadership of my husband. The match that ignited that fire came from my book
Balancing It All
.

My husband is a natural-born leader. I quickly learned that I had to find a way of honoring his take-charge personality and not get frustrated about his desire to have the final decision on just about everything. I am not a passive person, but I chose to fall into a more submissive role in our relationship because I wanted to do everything in my power to make my marriage and family work.
1

That word
submissive
was talked about everywhere from
The View
to national news outlets like CNN and Fox and every magazine and blog in between after the book was released. That doesn’t surprise me. I recognize that we live in a culture where many see submission as old-fashioned and out-of-date. But my beliefs aren’t informed by the ever-changing winds of culture. My commitment to submission inside the context of marriage comes straight from God’s Word. (Recognize a pattern here?) Ephesians 5:22–24 says, “Wives, submit to your own husbands as to the Lord, for the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of the body. Now as the church submits to Christ, so wives are to submit to their husbands in everything.”

The picture that’s painted here is beautiful! Women are to submit, or defer, to their husbands as a picture of our relationship with Christ. We surrender our lives to Him. We bend to His leadership in our lives. We hand over the reins and let Him lead. While I don’t do it perfectly, I can showcase what a life surrendered to Christ looks like through my marriage! But if you stop reading there, you miss part of the picture. I am convinced that the reason the culture reacts so strongly to this idea is because they only see half of the image God intends to draw through marriage.

Ephesians 5:25 reveals the rest of the story: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her.”

Yes, the Bible urges me to submit to the leadership of my husband as an extension of my submission to Christ’s leadership in my life, but it also asks Val to love me in the same way that Christ loves the church. If you think submission is countercultural, look around and try to find sacrificial love! The Bible encourages Val to love me with the same kind of costly love that Jesus gives me. Since He died to pay the penalty for my sins, I’d say that’s a pretty tall order.

Even though these passages do inform the way Val and I treat each other, they aren’t just a list of rules. They’re much bigger than that. When we follow God’s plan for marriage—when Val loves me sacrificially, following the example of Christ, and when I submit to his leadership as an extension of submitting my life to Jesus—we are painting a beautiful picture. We are a living exhibit of what Christ’s love for His people looks like in action.

Deciding what I would and would not do during my
DWTS
journey is an example of what these principles can look like in real time. Val wasn’t handing down absolutes. He was supportive and loving, always championing my dream. But when he saw something that might not work to my benefit, he spoke up. I wasn’t a renegade, determined to do whatever I wanted without his insight. I talked to him at every step of the journey, asking for his opinion. Ultimately, I wanted to make choices that he and I were both proud of.

Because this is a rhythm that we’ve embraced as part of our faith, making the choice to alter the rumba together wasn’t a big deal. We are a team and a true partnership. We want what’s best for each other, and I was happy to go to Mark with my concerns even though I knew how much pride he takes in his choreography. Asking Mark to change it could have gone another way, but it didn’t. He respected me and was a class act, changing the move without hesitation.

But the rumba battle didn’t end there! Who knew the dance of love could feel like a war? During conversations with the costuming department at the beginning of the week, Mark said that he wanted to go shirtless for this dance. Remember that I said that I wanted to be modest in front of millions of people in that first show? I believe strongly that modesty is about so much more than what we wear or don’t wear (more on that in a minute!), but Mark’s proposed wardrobe choice didn’t fit into my definition so I pushed back. In the video package that aired with the live show, I sounded pretty peeved at everyone including Mark about him being shirtless, but only after I felt like I was being joked about a little too long. It was all in good fun, but this was a real concern of mine and I didn’t want to be dismissed. So, I took the opportunity to say again that my life revolves around my relationship with Jesus Christ and I wanted that to be portrayed and made sure my voice was heard, having input in all our decisions, making them together.

In the end, I was proud of the rumba Mark and I performed. The dance told a beautiful story of sensuality as opposed to raunchy sexuality. Our costumes fit a definition of modesty that was cohesive with my understanding of God’s heart on the issue. And that dance was hard! While I didn’t do it perfectly, I learned a very difficult dance and felt I performed it as well as I could. And as Mark’s mom said to me several times, “God loves a trier! Now, get on with it.”

“I’m a Sexual Woman!”

Ultimately, Mark and I didn’t score well in this round of the competition. We ended up with 7s across the board. The judges criticized the extension of my arms and picked up on the fact that the hip movement was difficult for me. I don’t know if it was the difficulty of the dance as much as it was allowing myself to let go without feeling disrespectful to my husband. But I knew that despite giving it my best, I didn’t really encapsulate what a rumba is. To be honest, it was kind of a crash and burn, but I felt more relieved than anything. That high bar that terrified me from the week before had been lowered and I felt greater freedom to improve going forward.