Circle of Jinn (26 page)

Then again, since my mother's Zar has already begun to recruit supporters here, that's likely to happen with or without us. Samara's willing to risk everything. For me, for my mother, just like my mother thought. Feared. If that triggers my guilt, what must it be doing to my mother? What will Laila think when she learns that Samara is willing to risk everything and my mother isn't? Wouldn't she rather be in my shoes? Am I crazy that a part of me wants to be in hers?

I walk in the ocean, letting the cool water surround my feet. It's better than traipsing around the graveyard of plastic toys left at the edge of the incoming tide.

A sailboat in the distance tacks to change direction. I never have gotten out on the ocean with Nate and Megan. There's no longer time. Because even if I do stay behind, I can't be Nate's girlfriend. Even if I wanted to be. Which I do. And I don't. It's complicated. Because of “other stuff.” So much other stuff. Henry, sure, maybe, I don't know. But being Jinn, being Afrit, being the key to the uprising means other stuff will always be in our way. Same as it's in the way with Henry. With everyone. I was a fool to think anything else.

Part of me still wants to be that fool. Silly tasseled hat with bells on the end and all.

Because fools aren't asked to climb horses and join the cavalry into battle.

Fools also aren't asked to stay and protect those left behind.

Like Zak and I are being asked to do. If the uprising fails, if my mother can't master the spells it needs, the protection of Jinn in the human world falls to us. Not only will we have to recite the spell to make sure the Jinn here can't be found, but I'll be the only Jinn left in this world with the magic to protect them if they are. That's a hard choice
not
to make.

Some role Zak and I have. Once we recite the spell that frees Jinn of the ability to be tracked down by the Afrit, we also free them of their ability to use magic.

But a life with no magic beats magic with no life.

Of course that's true. Even though my life didn't truly begin until magic crossed over the welcome mat.

The sailboat completes its turn, now heading the same way as I am, to the marshy area at the far end of the beach. Though I increase my pace, I can't keep up with the boat's graceful glide across the water.

Suddenly, I'm seized from behind. Panic flashes through me like lightning striking a tree. Though I know it can't be, that they'd never do it so publicly, my first thought is that this is the Afrit
coming for me
. That I'm too terrified to blink means my mother, as usual, is right. I have no place in a battle against the Afrit.

“I've missed you,” Nate says, his breath tickling my earlobe.

Relief and desire make my cheeks flush. I spin around and let him kiss me. The push-pull of the choices before me evaporates from my mind like a drop of water on hot pavement. My palms flatten against Nate's smooth chest. The supersonic beat of his heart entices my already rapid pulse to quicken to match. Our feet sink under the sand. Each ebb and flow of the tide buries them deeper, until, when we finally part, the suction is as strong as a magnet.

“Mmm, worth the wait,” he says. “When you didn't answer my second text, I was afraid you weren't coming.”

Second text?
I draw my phone out of my pocket and press the button to wake it. It's dead. With all that's been going on, it didn't occur to me to charge it.

Henry.

With all that's been going on, it also didn't occur to me to text Henry my daily selfie yesterday. But it's not like he's actually sitting there waiting for one, is he? I'll do it as soon as I get home.

Home. Uprising central. Push-pull, pull-push, go to Janna, stay here, neither of those decisions affects this one.
Focus, Azra.
I can't put Nate in danger any more than I can risk being the cause of additional pain if something happens to me. He's been through enough. I lay my hand on Nate's chest and put distance between us.

“What's wrong?” Nate asks.

So much.

But I say, “Nothing, really.”

“How was your big dinner?” he asks. “How are things with Laila?”

The dinner? That seems like ages ago. Time seems to have moved both in slow motion and at the speed of light since I've last seen Nate.

“Fine,” I say. “Good.”

My tone makes Nate reach for my hand, and instantly a sense of calm fills me. I'm now convinced that the connection from granting a human's wish goes deeper than most Jinn realize. We don't normally know our wish candidates. We don't usually stay in contact with them the way I've done with Nate. So we wouldn't know that the piece of them that stays with us has the ability to affect us long after the wish is granted. I suspect I'm feeling calm from Nate because of who he is. If he were an angry, mean, or jealous person, I'd probably feel those parts of myself amplified when I was around him. Thankfully Nate's who he is. Trouble is, the more I'm around Nate, the more I want to be around Nate.

Which is why I have to do this. Now.

“I know you used to have Henry for this kind of stuff,” Nate says, guiding us down the beach. “But you can talk to me. If you want. It's cool if you don't. But you can. I just wanted you to know that.”

My chest tightens. I lift his hand to my lips and kiss the back. It tastes like the sea. For once, I don't mind the salt. “I know. But thank you for saying it.”

I've always been desperate to off-load everything to Henry right after it happens—while it's happening—but that's never been the case with Nate. Keeping him separate from my life as a Jinn has always been more important.

Never more so than right now.

I steel my resolve but keep walking because all I can tell him are half-truths, and I don't want to look him in the eye as I lie (even half) to him. “It's … my dad.” Nate's grip around my hand slackens. “I didn't want to tell you because—”

“Of mine,” he says softly. “Azra, let me be here for you. Please.”

He tightens his hold on my hand, and I so want to do what he asks.

We stop in front of a favorite spot of mine, the big black rock that juts out higher and wider than all the rest in this area of the beach.

I give in for this one moment. “I know I don't talk about him much. It's kind of a sore spot. For my mom, especially. But things are … not good. I'm going to have to go to him.”

Nate nods solemnly but doesn't pry. That's not who he is.

“I'm not sure when I'll be back,” I say, leading us onto the path neither of us wants to travel down. “Probably not for a while.”

Nate erases the space between us and his lips brush my forehead. He pushes back my hair and trails a hand down each side of my face, holding my head between his strong hands and caressing my cheek with his thumb. “I'm really sorry. Is there anything I can do?”

You're doing it. Like always.

I clear my throat. “Give Megan a hug for me. I'll have Hana bring her all my books. Tell her I'll miss her. George and Goldie too. And your mom, I hope she comes home soon.”

His face brightens. “She is. Well, sort of. We just found out this morning that she's moving to a rehab place. If it goes well, she'll be home in a couple of weeks.”

“I'm so glad, Nate.”

He shuffles his feet in the sand. “Yeah, me too. Maybe you'll be back around the same time?” It's a statement with the tone of a question. Because this connection between us goes both ways. He knows I'm lying. He knows what this is. Even if he can't let himself believe it.

I shake my head. “I don't think so.” I bite my bottom lip and the pain forces me to not lose focus of what I need to do. “Which is why I need you to not wait for me.”

It's like a piano has fallen on his head. He crumples before my eyes. And I do right along with him. But I keep it inside.

“What?” He stumbles back and rubs the nape of his neck with his hand. “What do you…? Azra, what are you…?”

“Nate, my family … my life is complicated.” And this is the compromise. “I need to … We need to…”

He stops rubbing and his neck vanishes as he hangs his head. “It's okay, Azra. I'll … I'll do whatever you need.”

He brings his clenched fists to his sides, bumping them against his legs. It's taken all his strength, all his respect for me not to scream the
Please, no
I'm desperately trying not to read in his mind.

Suddenly, his eyes lock on my own. “But first, there's something I need to do.”

“What?” I can't look at him. I focus on the waves instead.

“This.” He wraps one muscled arm around my waist and slides the other up the length of my back, resting his hand on my head. His fingers spread, and the crunch of my hair against my scalp makes me draw in a breath. My eyes close involuntarily and my neck arches in response to his gentle tug. His lips find my collarbone and glide down in a slow, smooth arc, floating over my skin, barely touching, until he reaches the center of my throat, where he lingers.

“I will always miss your
A
necklace,” he says.

I've been wearing the infinity one since the night I put it on at the party for Laila.

My chest is so tight that my lungs struggle for air and my voice comes out raspy. Unintentionally sexy. “I'm sorry, Nate.”

He releases his hold around my waist and brings his hand to my hip. He sets it there for a moment, grounding me. He then trails his fingers up the side of my torso, skirting my breast, tickling my neck, caressing my chin, ending by cupping my flushed cheek.

He leans in, and his breath warms my lips as he says, “The trouble is, I love you, Azra. But you already know that.” The confidence I made sure he has floods through him—and me—as he says, “When you feel the same I'll be here. Waiting.”

The world goes silent and all I hear is my heart beating against my chest. And then my feet leave the ground and I balance on tiptoes and my mouth is on his and my hands have a mind of their own and we're clawing for oxygen, each stealing the other's breath and all I want is
this this this
, to be so entwined that I don't know what's mine and what's his and—

No, no, no!
My knees buckle, and my heart drops to my heels.

I can't do this. I can't feel this. I can't say
I love you
back. Not because I don't want to. Because I do. Or I could. I want to. I definitely want to. But I can't, because he's a human and I'm a Jinn. Because I'm an Afrit. Because I'm the key to the uprising. Because I have to leave, and I may not come back.

I press my palms against his chest. “I—”

Maybe he knows the response isn't what he wants to hear or hopes to hear or needs to hear because he doesn't wait for me to finish. He lays a finger on each of my eyelids, gently closing them. He startles me by pressing a soft kiss on each. It's warm and strange and … nice. Intimate. He then lets his lips graze mine. Just once. His cheeks sweep against mine and his nose greets me in a playful Eskimo kiss.

My eyes are still closed when a chill takes over, making me tremble. I open my eyes to see Nate backing away, his finger to his lips, his eyes clouded with sadness.

Nate's changed my world. He's changed me. For the better, so much for the better. And yet it still nags at me, the idea that I'm the reason his father died. That the Afrit caused the accident to punish me. I wonder if I'll be able to find out if that's true. I wonder if I'll be able to live with the answer. If it'll be another secret, another burden, I'll have to keep.

Is this it? Am I really letting Nate go like this?

My first tear is followed by a second and a third.

I have to leave. I may not come back.

And Nate will never know why. Hiding who I am—hiding who my family is—from Nate has always been between us. In the beginning, it was part of the attraction. Being with Nate meant I didn't have to be a Jinn. At least for a little while. But now … I can't separate being Jinn from being me even if I wanted to. Which I don't. It's who I am. It's who I will always be. And being with Nate would mean asking him to live a lie. I couldn't do that to him. It's not a life I'd want to live.

But what if I do come back? And what if when I do, everything's changed? What if being Jinn is no longer filled with the fear and restrictions it is now? What if somehow, Nate wouldn't have to live a lie? What if I didn't have to do that to him? Is it a life I'd want to live?

Nate's face is tight with hurt, confusion, and concern. I can't let things end like this. I can't let him tell me he loves me and say nothing. Not when I feel everything.

Thank you, Nate. For everything.

His feet dig into the sand.

Did he hear me? Did he feel me?

Whichever it is, whatever he thinks is happening, it makes the rejection in his eyes a little less.

Should I tell him more? Should I go ahead and tell him that a part of me does love him and always will? Because I do. How can I not?

My first love. And maybe my last. But not my only one.

*   *   *

The tide's gone out. The next time I look up, there's a wide expanse of beach before me. I turn to face the big black rock. It rises even higher now that the water's retreated. No longer an island, it's more like a cliff. One I feel like my heart's just been pitched from.

Scattered around me are rocks of less height and girth that were previously hidden, submerged under the ocean. I weave my way through to get to the cliff. But as I climb up, I notice a set of toes popping above the surface of the water.

Toes attached to a foot, that's attached to a leg, that's attached to a torso that's exposed above water, leaning against the rock, sporting a head that's lolled back and resting in a crevice on the side of the massive black rock.