Circle of Jinn (37 page)

Hana's going to tell Samara and my mother about Laila after Zak and I are gone. She's going to give us a head start. This will be the last rest my mother has for who knows how long.

Up, down. Her chest moves, and my own breathing begins to match her tempo.

I want to wake her. I want to tell her everything. I want her to tell me not to go as much as I want her to tell me I have to go.

I want to wake her to say good-bye. But I can't be that selfish.

Instead, I move to her dresser and quietly open her jewelry box. I slip her emerald talisman on my finger. The more power in Janna, the better.

Before I go, I untuck the blanket that's crumpled under my mother's bare feet and rest it over her body. As I do, I notice the red leather of her diary peeking out from under her arm. All the entries are hidden by a spell, except for the last one. The one she was in the middle of writing. I catch “Azra” and “terrified” and “Xavier” and “love” and “miss” and “how can this be happening?” before I shut it. I don't want to invade her privacy.

But that's only part of it. The truth is, if I read this, if I read how scared my mother is, how worried she is, how devastated she'd be if something happened to me, I might not be able to do what I need to do.

She'll understand, won't she? When she finds out Zak and I have gone?

I crack open the diary and flip to the page after my mother's latest entry. I find her pen on the rug and kneel beside her bed. There's so much to tell her. There's so much to say. So much to explain and to thank her for.

I press the pen to the page but can't bring myself to move it. The black ink spreads in a widening dot as I struggle with what letters to write, with what words to form, with what message to leave behind. I then forget about how much there is to say and write the one thing that matters above all else. The one thing that will convey the rest.

Thank you for helping me to become a Jinn.

 

36

Henry's waiting for me on the front steps of the house that used to belong to his family. I told him I needed to see him. He thinks he knows why. He thinks it's to say good-bye. And it is. But to so much more than he thinks.

“Hey,” Henry says.

“Hey,” I say back, tucking my hands into the deep pockets of my khaki cargo pants.

Henry's changed too. From their high-end look, his jeans and long-sleeved light green tee, whose color matches his eyes, were most likely conjured by Hana.

He runs his hand through his messy sandy-brown hair. “Remember when your biggest worry was whether to tell your mom I caught you in the act of granting a wish?”

“And your biggest was me doing magic in front of you and getting in trouble.” I shake my head. “Now look at all you've seen.”

His smile is anxious. Does he suspect?

“Seeing magic is one thing,” I say, “but feeling it…” I move closer and hook my arm around his waist. The jeans are as soft as butter. Maybe they're actually Zak's handiwork. “We should really get you home.”

He tries to pull away. “What are you doing?”

I raise an eyebrow. “Hold on to your glasses, Henry.”

“Azra, I don't know if—”

“It's easy. You don't even need to click your heels.”

His body tenses against mine as I picture all he told me about his grandparents' house: the expansive wraparound deck, the hanging flowers, the forest of trees. It's enough. I tighten my grip and app Henry home.

The heat, usually like walking through a raging fire, is barely that of a hair dryer. On low. I hope the same is true for Henry.

I realize it's not the moment our feet hit dirt, and he lunges away from me.

“Don't. Do. That. Ever. Again.” He throws his arms out to each side, shaking them, as he wheels around in circles. Around and around he goes, trying to acclimate himself to what he's just felt. Finally, his walk slows and his head is the only thing moving. This is when he recognizes where he is. “My grandparents'? You apped me home? But why?”

“I need to make sure you're safe.”

“Safe?” He tugs on his hair. “Wouldn't the
safest
place be in a house of Jinn with magical powers?”

“Not necessarily.”

“Not necessarily?” Now he's the owl, repeating me. “Give me one example.”

“Not if the Afrit came.
More
Afrit. Not if they read your mind and discovered you know more about the Jinn world than some Jinn.”

It's almost like I can see his legs being kicked out from under him, and it rattles me to the marrow of my bones, but I stiffen my body, hoping that will help stiffen my resolve. I have to do this. No matter what he says.

“But … but…” He starts circling again. “The bangle spell. If you need it done for more Jinn—”

“My Zar sisters can handle it. Thanks to what you've set up. I can't thank you enough for—”

“No! What about the rest of them? You're not going to do this to Nate and Megan and Chelsea and—”

“I don't have to. They don't know the truth. But you … you know, and there's nothing to stop them.”

“You'll stop them.”

“But I won't be here.”

“Then your mom or Yasmin or—”

“Henry.” My voice cracks. “Don't make this harder than it already is. I need to make sure you're safe.”

“But I—I—I don't want to forget. Please don't make me forget. Please don't make me forget
you
.” He stands in front of me and sets both hands on my hips. He looks at me through the eyes of my lifelong best friend. First Jenny, then him. “I have to remember you. I'm afraid of what will happen if I don't. Because, the thing is, I'm … I'm not me without you.”

And then he kisses me. His lips on mine. Soft, then hard, like the beating of my heart. Now and forever.

He pushes himself back from me, his eyes glistening. In them I see the life I have, the life I could have, the life he wants, the life he deserves. The life I have to take from him.

I feel like I'm suspended in the eye of a tornado, watching as my world and everything in it is uprooted and sent spinning around me.

“Henry, I have to protect the ones I love. That means I have to protect you.”

“But this way? Why does it have to be this way?”

“It's the only way I know. At least right now. It's the only way I can do what I have to do. Because I can't go otherwise, Henry. I won't leave you here alone. They'll use you against me like they do with all Jinn. I won't let you be a pawn like they wanted to make me.”

“Then don't go. Or take me with you.”

Now the funnel cloud sweeps me up too. “
Henry
…” I struggle for solid ground. Usually it's Henry or Zak setting me down, grounding me, making me feel like my world is whole and not shattering into shards so small I'll never stand a chance of putting them all back together. But I can't rely on Henry or Zak. Not now. All I have is me.

I steady my rapid breaths. There's one final card I can play. I steady my thumping pulse. I don't want to, but I'm running out of time, and I know this will end the discussion. I steady the quiver my voice wants to be. “I'm not asking your permission. I'll do it either way. Whether you agree or not. But we both know it'll be harder if you don't. I might hurt you, and I might … I might even hurt me.”

His shoulders fall. “That's not fair.” The way his lips turn down and his eyes darken lets me know I've won.

A game I don't even want to be playing.

I cup his cheek with my hand, turning his face toward me. He pushes against my palm, pressing his skin firmly into mine. “You know they'd come for me. You know I'd end up there one way or another. It's better if it's like this. On my terms.”

Henry straightens his head. “Always with the control.”

“I am an Afrit.”

“No. You're a Jinn.” He smiles, and his dimples fill me with the lightness and the darkness of what it means to be a Jinn. “It'll be okay.”

Will it? Or will he know something's off, like my mother? Will he constantly be searching for something he can't find? Or will it be less than that, like the lingering I felt for memories I couldn't quite grasp of Zak and my father? Or will there be nothing? Like there seems to be with Nate and his family. But that's not the same as this. The Reese family's intense pain over losing Mr. Reese was erased, but not Mr. Reese himself. They're still left with the memory of him.

Which—actually—is closer to this than I realized. I need to take away Henry's knowledge of the Jinn world. I need to erase his memories of me being a Jinn. But I can't completely erase me. Too many people know us both. That would leave too much confusion that might drive him insane. But I can ease his pain. Like with Nate. I can make sure he's not defined by my absence the way we both were by Jenny's.

I do think I'm right: that the memories of someone lost make it harder to move on. Which isn't inherently a bad thing. It
should be
hard to move on. The holes punched into our lives should feel wide and empty and raw and gaping. For a time. But the holes need to be able to close. The loved ones still here should be allowed to help those holes get smaller and smaller until they're visible but no longer functional, like a long-neglected ear piercing.

I want that for Henry. I want those left here to help him move on. Yes, even if that means Chelsea. I'm okay with that. Well, not
okay
, but … okay. I don't have the luxury of being selfish. Which means there's something else I have to do for Henry. I need to make sure he doesn't blame himself for Jenny's death anymore.

That I've let him blame himself for this long is inexcusable. He thinks it's his fault she fell off the swings in my backyard. He was supposed to be with her, watching her, but he was in his room finishing his model airplane. He was in his room being a ten-year-old boy. It wasn't his responsibility.

It was mine. Jenny should have been safe. She was with me. Not only could my magic not protect her then, my lack of control of my magic was what caused her to fall. My selfishness, of wanting to swing higher and higher until we touched the sky, was what caused her to die.

And that's why I've never told him the truth. It would change everything he thinks and feels about me and I'd lose him. A risk I refused to take. So what now? I unload my conscience by telling him? To what end? I'll have to take it away. I'll gut him like a fish, rip out his entrails, and then stuff them back inside. Will that make me feel better?

No, it won't. Being the cause of Jenny's death is something I have to live with. It's my secret. It's my burden. Mine alone.

And so I won't tell Henry about Jenny. Not now, and not ever. Humans are taught that honesty is the best policy. Jinn are taught the opposite. The truth lies in the gray area somewhere in between.

Magic can't do everything. It can't take away the mistakes I've made. And it couldn't save Jenny. But it can save Henry. I can save Henry. I have to do now what my mother couldn't do then. Save a Carwyn I love.

I stand before Henry, my best friend, the boy who taught me how to be human and how to be a Jinn, the boy I love in the most pure way I didn't even know was possible, the boy I'll do anything to protect. Even if that means what I have to do is lose him, give him to someone else. To protect what I love most, I must lose what I love most. I must let him have the life he deserves. Free of all the guilt over his sister, free of all the angst over keeping these Jinn secrets. Free of all this me.

“Do it,” Henry says, latching onto each of my hands.

For too much of my life, I thought being Jinn was holding me back from friends, from love, from family. But it wasn't being Jinn. Henry showed me that. Henry gave it all back to me: friends, family, love. And now I need to do the same for him. But I'm scared.

“I don't want to hurt you,” I say, my voice a hair above a whisper.

“You won't.”

“How do you know?”

“Because you're the strongest Jinn I know. You're the strongest anyone I know.”

“You know this is tearing a hole in my heart, don't you?”

His dimples carve into his cheeks again. “Then I'm glad. Because if that's true, then you've finally granted my wish.”

He leans in, his mouth barely brushing mine, before he says, “Now do it. Make me forget you.” He presses his lips on the corner of my mouth, leaving a coolness on my skin. “But don't you ever forget me.”

Never
, I say in my head and project into his.

And then I'm gone.

From his mind. From his heart. From his life.

But he's not gone from mine.

My secret. And my burden.

 

37

The sky is on fire. I open my eyes to brilliant hues of orange and red and yellow. A scene as beautiful as it is haunting. Does the sun rise in Janna?

Does it set? Is there a moon? Or even a sky? There's so much I don't know. So much I thought I'd have more time to learn.

At the window in Henry's old bedroom, I blink again and again until the fiery sky is no longer coated with a film of tears. I then turn to face the only other Jinn in the room, the one I sensed before I finished apporting.

Laila. In the big bed, surrounded by plush blankets and soft pillows, she looks smaller, more like the Laila I grew up with than the Jinn I was just getting to know. As I approach the bed, I reach into my pocket and pull out the silver tinsel I tucked in earlier. It's instantly slick from my sweaty palm.

I gently lift her wrist, the one without the bangle, and wind around this strand of silver that she made our pretend bangles out of when we were young, before we were Jinn. Her wrist is so small that it still fits all the way around. I'm even able to tie it into a bow.