Business Without the Bullsh*t: 49 Secrets and Shortcuts You Need to Know (39 page)

At first glance this chapter might seem to run contrary to the overall theme of this book, because lies increase rather than decrease the amount of bullsh*t in the workplace.

However, there is a social contract between human beings: don’t lie to me and I won’t lie to you. In business that contract is often seen as working only one way: a boss can lie but an employee cannot. And that’s the real bullsh*t.

When bosses tell self-serving lies about salaries, raises, layoffs, work hours, etc., they set themselves beyond the limits of ethical human behavior. That being the case, they no longer have any right to ask for total honesty from the people they employ.

Of course, you may always
choose
to tell the truth, but in the circumstances below… lying may be the better part of candor.

Some jobs, by definition, involve fooling the public with half-truths. If that’s the case with your job, you’d best be consistent in private. Trust me, if your boss hired you to lie, the last thing he or she wants is to be told the truth.

For example, suppose you’re responsible for public relations at an
oil company. Admitting to your boss that you know you’re spouting nonsense about global warming makes you look like a hypocrite. If you must lie as part of your job, it’s also your job to lie consistently.

If you have personal dirt on your coworkers, you owe it to them to keep it to yourself, even if the boss asks. For example, if you’re aware that Joe called in sick because he was drinking whiskey until 3 a.m. the night before, your best response is “I have no idea why he’s not here.”

The same thing goes for various screwups that are outside your realm of responsibility. Even if you know who’s to blame, it’s not your job to be the office tattletale. The number one rule of business is to mind your own.

If it gets out that you’re looking, you might be penalized with either a loss of status or a loss of power. You might even get fired before you find the job you want.

You have a right to look for another job without suffering unpleasant consequences, so feel free to tell any lies you must to keep your job search secret. Trust me, if your boss were looking for another job, he or she would do the same.

Being a boss means that underlings must laugh at your jokes, even when they’re awful. If you’re the underling, despite your having heard that joke for the tenth time, and its not having been funny the first, you must emit an appreciative chuckle.

Yeah, it’s a bit degrading, but think of it this way: at least your boss is trying to be entertaining. It’s probably a good idea to encourage any attempt on the part of a boss to lighten things up a little. So laugh; it’s not going to break your face.

When bosses punish people for telling uncomfortable truths, they’re communicating that they do not want to be told such truths. For example, a CEO who berates a sales manager for providing a realistic sales forecast is asking to be told a lie (“Sales will be
up
!”).

The only time you should communicate hard truths to this type of boss is
after
you’ve accepted a job somewhere else. Indeed, if your boss is shooting messengers, your number one job should be finding another boss.

You’re not helping your boss when you communicate a truth that puts him or her into such a position that he or she must lie in order to keep from being fired, or to prevent your team’s budget from being cut.

Here’s the magic question: “Do you
really
want to know the truth?” If your boss says something like, “No, not really,” you’re being asked to keep your mouth shut. As long as doing so isn’t actually unethical, you should definitely comply.

If your boss decides to quiz you on your religion, your politics, your personal life, your sexual orientation, your eating habits, what you smoke, or anything else that doesn’t directly affect your work performance, you have no obligation to answer the question.

In situations such as this you can’t politely decline to answer, because your refusal to answer is itself an answer. Instead you should feel free to tell the boss whatever you think he or she would like to hear.

In most areas of the world, corporations are allowed to monitor everything you do. They can even demand blood tests, which means
they can “own” a part of your physical body. So cling like crazy to your last remaining shreds of privacy… even if it means fibbing.

Finally, here’s a situation that I hope you are never forced to deal with: what to do if you discover that your company has done something unethical or illegal. In this case, you have four choices:

This chapter will focus on the fourth alternative, hence the word
safely
in the title.

Publicly held corporations are natural sociopaths. They are legally bound to their stockholders to make the most profit possible, even
if doing so involves robbery, slavery, environmental destruction, and the death of innocents, including children.

There are only two ways to restrain corporations from sociopathic behavior. The first is to pass laws and enact government regulation that increases the cost of these behaviors so they become less profitable. The second is to publicize these behaviors in such a way that customers, investors, and employees avoid the corporation, simply to escape the taint.

Unfortunately, many governments are hand in glove with business interests and therefore create massive loopholes that allow corporations to avoid fines and arrests that might negatively affect profit.

Similarly, the public has become exceedingly tolerant of horrible corporate behaviors, providing it, the public, is not the direct victim and so long as it, the public, gets the benefit of lower prices.

Therefore, the first question you should ask yourself, before becoming a whistle-blower, is whether anyone really cares. If blowing the whistle isn’t going to change anything, why bother?

Assuming you’ve gotten this far, the dumbest thing you can do is to bring the matter to the attention of your boss, your boss’s boss, your boss’s peers, or anybody else in authority at your company.

Chances are
they already know all about it
. In fact, your management is probably expending all sorts of mental and emotional energy
not
thinking about the situation that you’re about to throw in their faces.

Any attempt to deal with unethical corporate behavior through official corporate channels will result in a loss of your status and very possibly the loss of your job. Even if it doesn’t, you’re now marked as
the
whistle-blower, even if somebody else ends up blowing the whistle.

It gets worse. Now that you’ve identified yourself as a troublemaker, you’ll be marked as somebody who can’t be trusted. Your
managers may even try to set you up to take blame if the secret gets out.

If what you want to expose is heinous enough, the sacrifice may be worth it. However, consider whether you truly want to be a martyr. If so, maybe being a whistle-blower is more about your needs than about those of whoever would be helped. Just something to think about.

Let’s suppose you’ve decided to go forward. What’s needed now is data that proves the unethical behavior is actually taking place, with the knowledge of those who could have stopped it (i.e., management).

As you gather this data, your main goal is to keep your fingerprints (digital and otherwise) off everything you gather. This can be difficult because your company can probably track back to you everything that happens on your computer or your phone.

For example, if you forward an incriminating e-mail to a government agency, the e-mail contains hidden information that can tie it back to you. Same thing if you take photos on your cell phone.

And make no mistake about it, there’s probably
somebody
in the government agency who will share with your management that you were the source of the incriminating data. This is not paranoia, but simply a recognition of how things work in the real world.

Therefore, the only safe way to gather incriminating information is to put it through an analog step that destroys any hidden digital identifying information. This means using only photocopies and photoprints.

Now that you’ve gathered the incriminating evidence, it’s time to leave before everything blows up, because if you remain, I absolutely guarantee you’re the one who’s going to be damaged.

Hopefully, the moment you realized you were working for criminals the ethically challenged, you started looking for another job in a company that doesn’t share the same business model as your current employer.

Wait at least two months after you’ve left the company. Anonymously send copies of the material you gathered to any of the following that are relevant:

Take the
anonymous
part of
anonymously
seriously. Mail the material from a post office far from where you currently live and/or work so the postmark doesn’t suggest you might be involved. Do
not
include a way to get in contact with you.

If the reporter, government official, or law enforcer has skills at all, he or she will be able to use the material you provided to find out more. Warning: no matter how careful you’ve been, there’s a good chance you’ll be outed.