Business Without the Bullsh*t: 49 Secrets and Shortcuts You Need to Know (38 page)

The boss/employee relationship has an inherent inequality of power, and since knowledge is power, most bosses will want to keep some knowledge to themselves and away from employees. Doing so often involves telling the following lies:

The crux of this lie is located in the word
can’t
. If a company has any cash flow whatsoever, the boss is making decisions about where to spend based on what the boss feels is a priority. Your salary isn’t the priority, so
can’t
really means
won’t
.

Ideally, of course, compensation should be comparable, at least in some sense, to the amount of value each employee creates. Because that’s seldom the case, bosses are often forced to lie to employees in order to keep from being pressured to pay more.

Since your compensation always reflects the minimum your boss believes you’ll accept, when you hear this lie, it’s a signal that you need to renegotiate the compensation agreement you have with your boss. (See “Secret 5. How to Ask for a Raise.”)

If you’re in an organization in which the compensation for everyone in the group is pulled from a set amount of money, there’s a good chance that the boss is describing almost everyone’s raise as “above average.”

Companies that employ nonunion labor are exquisitely sensitive about anybody sharing salary information, because such sharing inevitably makes somebody feel that he or she is being slighted. Bosses therefore tell this lie because they’re afraid that if you knew what your coworkers were being paid, you would quit in disgust. To discover whether the claim is actually a lie, push for further details. (See “Secret 45. How to Spot a Workplace Lie.”)

In real life happy families don’t keep secrets from one another, and tend to share everything equally. Since that isn’t the case with any business, the only kind of family a business can resemble is a highly dysfunctional one.

Indeed, the most wretched places to work are those in which bosses and employees replicate the yelling, spanking, criticism, deception, and cruelty that play a huge role in the horrors of a miserable childhood.

Bosses tell this lie in the hope that you’ll feel reluctant to push for a raise or promotion lest you upset “your family.” Therefore, your best bet is to quietly refuse the entire premise of the lie and remember that it’s not personal, it’s business.

This statement means that a layoff is definitely going to happen. This lie is told because management either wants to keep the talented people from jumping ship or wants to prevent irate employees
from committing acts of vandalism before they’re escorted to the door.

Before you get too irritated at your boss for telling you this whopper, consider that your boss is probably fighting for his or her own career, is being asked to do top management’s dirty work, and may end up being the last person to get axed.

The moment you hear your boss deny
any
rumor, you immediately know that it’s true. Therefore, if you hear this one, you should immediately activate your escape plan. (See “Secret 39. What to Do If There’s a Layoff.”)

Bosses feign helplessness when they want to renege on a commitment to an employee, or escape blame for a decision that’s unfavorable to the employee. Example: “I tried hard to get you the raise I promised you, but since sales are down, my hands are tied.”

By attributing the decision to corporate policy or salary guidelines, the boss not only escapes your ire, but can leave you feeling as if you owe the boss for at least “trying” to get you what you want.

However, there are always exceptions to policies and guidelines, but they require effort on the part of your boss to make them happen. Therefore, rather than giving up when you hear this lie, push harder for what you want.

If your boss thinks of your work in terms of the hours you expend on the job, and you are
not
paid by the hour (that is, you’re salaried), your boss will constantly pressure you to work more than forty hours a week.

This is simple economics. The only reason any company turns an hourly job into a salaried position is that it’s then possible to extract more time from each worker than the company is paying for.

Whenever you hear this lie, assume that you’ll be pressured to
work unpaid overtime. Not to worry, though. If you treat this demand as unreasonable (see “Secret 6. How to Handle Unreasonable Requests”), you can get out of working unpaid overtime. Then, if you manage your time correctly, you’ll get more done than the people who are coerced into working ridiculously long hours. (See “Secret 23. How to Have Enough Time.”)

This lie is generally told when employees are asked to participate in a survey that solicits criticism of the company or its management. The hope is that employees will truthfully communicate their negative opinions and views.

The moment you sign an employee contract, however, you waive your right to privacy. So if you’re asked for a confidential opinion, your best bet is to “praise with faint damnation,” even if you’re being surveyed by a supposedly “independent” source.

For example, if you’re asked “confidentially” if your boss is doing a good job, don’t say something like, “He’s in over his head.” Such honesty will come back and bite you, so say something innocuous like, “My boss works too hard.”

This lie always means its opposite. For example, attendance at a “brown-bag lunch” where top management will be giving a presentation is voluntary only if you plan to voluntarily get fired.

Similarly, you’re putting your job at great risk if you don’t “voluntarily” contribute to the annual charity drive. As the great historian Edward Gibbon put it: “The invitations of a master are scarcely to be distinguished from commands.”

In the corporate world,
voluntary
is code for
mandatory
. Whenever you’re told that something is voluntary, always be the first person to sign up and the last person to complain about it.