Broken Wings (Cruel and Beautiful World, Book One 1) (35 page)

She looked shyly to the ground. "I don't know."

"Does it feel wrong?"

Deryn shook her head. "But not right either. I can't really explain it."

Xander watched her and sighed. He put out his cigarette and held out his arms. "Come here, Leon."

Deryn stood carefully, making sure her hair covered her face from anyone who just might be able to see them from down below. They may have been five floors up but she was still paranoid, as she should be. When she reached Xander, he wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her onto his lap.

"This isn't easy for me either. Wanting you," he said while nuzzling her neck. "Knowing no good will ever come of this. But I can't stop myself."

"Why do you want me, Xander?" she asked while tracing swirly patterns along his hand.

"There's no logic behind it. I just do."

"But you can have anyone. As a Guardian, pretty much all you have to do is point at a girl and she's yours."

Xander lifted his hand and pointed at Deryn.

She blushed and hit it back down. "You
know
what I mean."

"I guess I'm just sick of my usual bevy of women," he said with a smile. "None of them have ever left me completely satisfied."

"And I do?"

"Completely? No," he answered honestly. "But it's pretty damn close."

"Oh." She bit her bottom lip.

Xander tightened his hold on her and smirked. "That wasn't an insult, but I've been keeping myself pretty tame for you. I look forward to the day you're ready for me to let loose."

Deryn raised her eyebrows. "Do I even want to know?"

"You'll see," he said, planting a gentle kiss on her neck.

Deryn leaned into his lips. She closed her eyes and sighed.

"You know we can stop whenever. All you have to do is say the word."

Her eyes popped back open. "Is that what you want? To make it easier?"

Silence. Deryn's heart felt heavy as she turned to look at him. When she did, Xander grabbed her chin, pulled her in and pressed his lips to hers, massaging them gently before slipping his tongue into her mouth. For once, she didn't even mind the taste of cigarettes.

Deryn had been wrong before. During those rare moments when he kissed her like this - soft and sweet, her heart racing and palms sweating, making her feel like she was someone important, someone who mattered - she didn't hate herself. Because a kiss like this made her feel something she hadn't felt in a long time. Safe. Beautiful. Cared for. Maybe even loved. Of course, she knew that was crazy. But wasn't it all?

"I want
you
, Leon," said Xander breathlessly into her mouth as he continued to kiss her. "In spite of it all, I want you. From now until the day we part. The rest is up to you."

The two of them continued to hold each other, kissing tenderly, not even noticing as the air grew colder around them. The night stretched on and, still, they stayed like that. There was nothing passionate, nothing lustful, nothing desperate about that kiss, just the sweet and delicate feeling of comfort while having someone there. Someone to hold while being held. Someone who wanted you. Someone who needed you. Someone who looked at you through eyes without judgment, and who knew your past but did not define you by it. Who understood that you'd been through something horrible but did not treat you like you were made of glass.

Xander and Deryn did all of these things for each other, and they wanted to hold onto those feelings for as long as possible.

"We should get to bed," said Xander as the chill in the air began to pick up, but his lips never left hers.

"Just a little bit longer," she said, moving her hand so it was resting above his heart. Still beating. Still real.

And so they stayed. Seconds turning into minutes, minutes turning into hours. Neither of them had realized how much they needed this. It was something far more powerful than sex. A true connection.

It wasn't until Xander noticed how cold Deryn felt in his arms that he finally broke their contact. Eyes on her, he wrapped his hands underneath her legs and lifted her up, carrying her inside with great care.

Xander placed her on his bed, and helped her remove her robe and slippers. He turned off the lights and climbed in next to her. The two recommenced their kissing, slowly slipping off their clothes until he was inside of her once more, thrusting softly until the faint light of day shined through the crack in the curtains. Not once did their lips part, their connection remaining delicate as they began to memorize each other with every touch.

"Deryn," Xander breathed into her mouth as her face radiated soft pleasure. "This ..." He trailed off as her muscles pulsated around him, bringing him his release.

Xander gazed down at her as they both caught their breath, giving her one last kiss before rolling off and pulling her into him, taking a moment to breathe in the sweet scent of her hair before finally closing his eyes.

Part of Xander wished she had held on for a little bit longer, so he could have finished what he was going to say.

This is closer
.

That was what he'd wanted to tell her. Because it was. This was the closest he had ever been to feeling completely satisfied. He had never had sex with anyone like that before. Not even Finley back when he almost sort of cared for her. But Deryn ... he cared a lot. More than he should. And knowing that he was experiencing this intimate moment with someone who had somehow managed to seep into him ... That was better.

Xander and Bronson walked around the women's lingerie shop, both looking a bit overwhelmed with all of the options available to them. How did women ever make such decisions?

Noticing their wide, tentative eyes, a shop girl walked up to them with a bright smile and asked, "Can I help you find something?"

"Uh, yes," said Bronson. "We're looking for some bras and sleepwear for my girlfriend, and we're not exactly sure where to start. But nothing too sexy," he added. "Just casual."

"Well, maybe not
just
casual," said Xander. "It wouldn't hurt to get her at least one sexy thing." His eyes immediately drifted to a red negligee in the corner. Damn, that would look great on Deryn.

"Casual would really be just fine," said Bronson, trying hard not to notice that lustful look in Xander's eyes as he glanced around the shop.

"Okay then," said the shop girl. "What size cup is she?"

Bronson crinkled his forehead. He looked over to see Xander doing the same. Huh. They had forgotten to ask.

Then Xander lifted his hand and said, "Like, a little less than a handful." He clenched his fingers like he was squeezing a breast.

The shop girl stared down at his hand for a moment before moving her eyes back to Bronson. "
Your
girlfriend?" she asked, raising her eyebrows.

"Um ... yeah," he said, feeling even more uncomfortable. He was getting this horrible feeling that his fake girlfriend might be cheating on him.

"Well, judging by the size of your friend's hands, I'm going to guess she is either a B or a C cup. Is she petite?"

"Yes," they both answered.

"This way, please."

While slowly following her, Bronson grabbed Xander's arm and said, "Hey, Ruby. Stop answering questions about
my
girlfriend. It looks weird."

"Sorry," said Xander, his eyes now drifting to a lacy, black nightie. There was so much potential here. Such a waste that he couldn't shop in places like this by himself.

It was a good hour before Xander and Bronson got out of there with several bags in hand. While Bronson had been pretty insistent about sticking with the basics - beige, white, and black - Xander had convinced him to get one lacy pink and black bra to 'make her feel like a woman'. He also convinced him to get one red one, by the slight chance that they might buy her a red sweater later.

They also bought her several pajama sets, so she would not have to borrow Xander's any longer, and one short nightdress for the 'warmer nights', as Xander had put it. Bronson didn't even bother to argue that it was mid-November. Warmer nights were hardly a concern.

On their way out the door, the shop girl grabbed Bronson and touched her wristband to his, transferring her information. "If things don't work out with your girlfriend," she whispered before eyeing Xander skeptically.

"You see what happens when you drag me to places like this?" said Bronson, when they got outside. "This is why I like men. Women can be so damn conniving. I mean, I'm taken for god's sake!"

Xander smirked. "Calm down, Bronson. You don't actually have to contact her."

"You want it?" Bronson held his wristband out to him.

Xander shook his head and Bronson deleted her information.

"So how exactly do you know Deryn's breasts are a little less than a handful?" he asked, glancing sideways at Xander.

"Because I've looked." And he wasn't ashamed of it either. Actually, he really didn't care what Bronson knew about him and Deryn. She was the one against it. Apparently, he had already mentioned his disapproval of the situation before anything ever happened between them, and she didn't want to ignite any fires.

"But never touched?"

Xander could not help but smirk. "Any particular reason you're asking me this?" he said, slipping into an alley and pulling out a cigarette. He offered one to Bronson and they leaned against the same wall, smoking just out of view of wandering eyes.

"I don't know. But Deryn's become like a little sister to me, and I haven't seen much of either of you over the past couple of weeks. Seems like you've wanted privacy or something."

"We do," said Xander honestly. He leaned his head back against the wall and blew a billow of smoke straight into the air. "I'm sure you've figured it out by now, Bronson, but Deryn was a slave. They had a trade every few months and the next one is coming up. It was the night of the last one that she escaped and she hasn't been taking it well."

It wasn't a lie. Every day she dreaded the anniversary of the infamous slave trade. It just wasn't why they wanted their privacy.

There was a long moment of silence before Xander turned his head to look at Bronson. He was staring at him, eyes wide and jaw slacken as his cigarette dangled out of his mouth.

"What?" asked Xander, creasing his brow.

"What did you call her?"

"Leon?" Xander tried replaying his words in his head. He was unsure of what else he might have called her. He always called her Leon. Except in the bedroom, knowing very well that she got off on hearing her given name. But he supposed he might have let her first name slip.

"No. That's not what you said."

"I'm positive it is," said Xander, throwing down his cigarette and putting it out with his foot. "Better get a move on. We've barely gotten started."

Bronson nodded and did the same. Still, he couldn't shake the idea that something was off. Xander seemed different. Almost happy. And it was really creeping him out. A few weeks ago Deryn had finally admitted that she was the cupcake girl.
This
must have been the feeling she was talking about. How the nice gesture just seemed so not Ruby.

"Fucking creepy," said Bronson under his breath as Xander led him towards a women's clothing shop. Sweaters, shirts, and pants were next on their list.

~

"So how does it fit?" Xander called into Deryn's bedroom while sitting on the arm of the couch.

"Not bad," she said, walking out in black pants and a white sweater. "I actually think these might be a bit small." She began playing with the pants' waistband. Not much give.

"I disagree," said Xander, beyond pleased she was finally wearing something that showed off her feminine figure. His oversized sweaters and pajama pants just weren't doing it for him.

Deryn's cheeks flushed as she bashfully looked back into her room. Currently, her bed was overrun with shopping bags. "The two of you went a bit overboard. I really don't need all of this."

"Everyone needs options," said Xander, reaching out and grabbing her waist. He pulled her until she was between his legs. "Figures that we would finally get you into some proper attire and all I can think about is getting you out of it."

Deryn giggled as he nibbled on her neck. She let him nestle there for a moment before pulling away, giving him a quick kiss and heading back into her room.

"Next one," she said, digging through the bags and coming out with a red sweater. She then went through the bag of bras, her eyes freezing for a moment before pulling out the pink and black one. "I assume this is your doing?" she asked, holding it up for Xander to see.

He smirked. "Naturally. But there's a red one in there for that particular sweater. You can model the pink for me later."

Deryn rolled her eyes. She looked back in the bag and started laughing. Then she pulled out the small nightdress. "Really, Xander? How'd you convince Bronson to let you buy me this one?"