Black and Blue: BWWM Romance (4 page)

A
few days
turned into a week, and now when I needed the house quiet to study it was filled with my Dad’s voice echoing through my space.

“I predicted it years ago. Remember I told you, St. Louis would be the site of the new civil rights movement.” It was early in the morning and my dad was screaming at the television giving me more commentary than the news anchors. He was listening the news but you would have thought that he was watching at a football game the way he was jumping up and down and screaming at the television. He had been here a week, and already he had gotten on every damn nerve I had and then some. Now I was getting dressed, with plans to hit school early and study all day in peace, but he was making that difficult.

I loved my Dad. He was the reason I was able to afford law school. Even though we had our differences, watching him now, in his element, made me kind of glad he was here. I definitely needed my space and time to study but with my mini breakdown earlier in the week, it helped to have someone I knew around.

“Dad, I gotta get ready. I don’t have time to look at this.” I told him as I got up, stuffing my books and computer into my bag.

“You act like you don’t care.” Here we go, I knew he was going to try to guilt me.

“Dad, I do care. But what am I going to do by going out there and marching? It is better if I keep going to school to be able to make change from the inside.” We argued about this all of the time. I was done with marches and sit-ins. I felt like those didn’t change anything.

“Why can’t you do both?” He was seriously asking me.

“Because I have 40 hours of studying to do every week. I don’t have time to go out there and I’m sorry I can’t get arrested like you do. If I get into trouble, I can kiss my license goodbye.”

He waved me off, knowing I was right but he still wanted me to show up so he could show off his daughter.

“But look, I was there. That’s where it all happened.” My Dad was giving me the play-by-play, pointing out every little destination on the broadcast. “That’s where they shot the tear gas.”

“But those bastards don’t even want to release his name. At least tell us who it was that shot the boy seven times. They can’t even say what he was being charged with.” I could have sworn that there was steam coming off his afro.

“Dad, I love you but I gotta go.”

“Hold on a sec...I meant to ask you, where is Joe?” I rolled my eyes. I hated that I even introduced my Dad to Joe.

“Joe is a non factor.” That was all I had to say about that asshole. “He texted me so much the past week that I eventually had to block his number.”

“Okay Dad I’m gone.”

“Okay. Have a good day. I’ll probably be gone when you get back.” I thanked God for that; his being gone meant I could have a bit of my privacy back.

We hugged and with that I was gone, walking the few blocks to school, trying to practice what my therapist told me.

Take time to spend with yourself without any thoughts. Just you and know that you don’t have to take on the world.
That was easier said than done, but I tried to keep those things in mind as I made my way to school.

Somehow I got through the week, with the help of my anti-anxiety meds, prayer, and the rest of the vodka bottle, and of course, submerging my brain in my books. Nothing was going to get in my way and my dreams of becoming a lawyer, but I did make sure to drop in and have a word with someone that wouldn’t judge me….

I told my therapist my deepest fears and for the first time in a while, I felt like someone really knew what I was going through. He told me that over the years he’d had many other law students as patients and that my breakdowns were normal. He even said I might have more of them and suggested I figure out some kind of release in between my forty hours a week of reading and studying, reassuring me that with my dad’s visit, it was reasonable that I would break down.

“Take some time for yourself and know that you aren’t super woman.”
That was true but I had superwoman type goals that required me to be strong.

My Dad had been sleeping on my couch. Every morning, after he got in from protesting all night, he tried to have these intense conversations with me about what was going on. it was giving me some kind of mental overload.

Amidst the talk of gas masks, arrests, gunshots, and the police still withholding information about the shooting, I was at a crossway between utterly upset and just completely drained. I was now at the point where I wasn’t turning on the television or the radio. I was more like this walking robot, mechanically reading, studying, and sleeping. If I didn’t stay on top of school, I would fail and all of the money my Dad was paying for me to attend would go down the drain.

“You know, I sacrificed all these years so you could follow your dream. I saved up so you could do this.” He reminded me whenever I told him that I was busy and couldn’t handle to hear much else about the marches.

So I was thankful for his busy schedule since he got here. He seemed to be at my loft for only short spurts before he was out protesting and talking to officials.

Every night, as I sat up studying there was more rioting, more people marching in the streets, with tear gas being thrown at them and police armed like the military.

Still, the police department hadn’t announced the name of the officer that was involved in the shooting. All of it seemed like a weird episode from a television show but instead it was real life in Missouri.

Getting to school, I tried to put on my 1L cap and drift into law student mode. Things were getting more intense with everyday that passed since the shooting, and now the town was drawing international media attention with celebrities, well-known activists like my father, and government officials coming to town trying to calm the unrest, but people were tired. This shooting was horrible, but more like the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back, just like my breakdown the other day in a fit of rage. Brian wasn’t the reason. He was just one more on top of a hill of reasons that sent things crumbling down.

Everyone was on edge, the sight of police cars made me anxious and angry. But I chose to fight by staying focused on school.

I hadn’t seen my Dad much, which was a blessing. He said he would be here indefinitely, until he felt he wasn’t needed anymore, so I was stuck spending my days at school or at random coffee houses to make sure I didn’t run into him.

I just didn’t feel like hearing about the movement when I had procedurals and information to memorize. After my breakdown last week, I figured out that I needed to concentrate only on the things that mattered most, and those were myself and school, so that's what I was determined to do, no matter what was happening around me.

I was so focused on school, and staying busy enough that I didn’t have to see my father, that I sort of forgot about Brian. Or at least, I told myself to forget about him but now in class, I prepared myself to see him.

I arrived early and sat in the front and was soon surrounded by other people. I had my head buried in a book with my highlighter going crazy when I felt someone sit down beside me.

“Hey you…” It was Brian, his smile and those eyes so close to me that I could have kissed him but instead I looked back down at my book.

“Hello Mr. McGwire.”

“Wow...last name basis huh?”

“Yeah, that’s how I treat strangers.” I had rehearsed everything I was going to say to him down to my facial expressions and blasé attitude, but now that he was here in the flesh and close to me, I found all of those things harder to say.

I just avoided his eyes, trying to concentrate on the yellow highlight marks on my book instead of those intensely blue eyes.

“I’m sorry I left like I did.” He said as I looked around to see if anyone was paying attention but he didn’t care. “I got called into work and I didn’t want to wake you.”

“Oh yeah, what do you do again?”

“I told you...I work for the state.” That was about as specific as saying he lives in the United States.

“You wanna be more specific?” Before he could answer, the professor walked in.

“Excuse me class. I regret to inform you that we are going to be cancelling class tonight.” Gasps dispersed throughout the room.

“There is talk of a protest near city hall next door and in the best interest of your safety we think it is best that we cancel class.” I wasn’t objecting to cancelling class. I had work to finish from my procedural studies class anyway.

“Well, that means we have the evening off. What are you doing?” He looked at me and I could tell what he was thinking, but there was no way I was getting sucked into that again, no matter how badly I wanted him.

“So check online, complete this week’s reading and there is still going to be an exam at the end of the week.” I hadn’t forgotten about the upcoming exam as I felt like I had my syllabus tattooed on my arm.

People grumbled and moaned but for the most part, the 1L’s were happy. This gave us more time to study and here I was looking my study partner in the face.

“So...you wanna go study.”

“I have been studying. You know these exams are pretty cut throat right.” In law school it was a whole new world, with test scores battling against your fellow classmates, but even though we were up against each other, we still had to pull together.

“I know it gets lonely reading that huge book by yourself.” He was right. It got repetitive and here we were barely into the second week and I was already feeling burnt out and it showed.

My hair was up in a messy bun on top of my head and I wore no makeup, while shorts and a t-shirt had become my daily uniform. I didn’t give a shit what I looked like. As long as I was clean, everything would take care of itself.

But now, staring into his blue eyes, I sort of wished that I had bothered to put a little bit of makeup on.

Walking out of the lecture hall with him behind me, I didn’t say a word. In my head, I was engaged in a battle of mental gymnastics trying to figure out if I wanted this man in my life.

“Earth to Alicia, hello.”

“Yeah Brian.”

“Please don’t tell me you're pissed at me?” I was pissed. I wasn’t sure that I had a right to be, but I was mad that he snuck out of my apartment and didn’t bother to call or email. That spoke of some random booty call crap and I had enough problems without feeling thrown away and cheap in the process.

“Hello.” He turned me around right in the lobby. “You're not going to talk to me? At least let me mooch off your notes from the class I missed.”

“Look Brian...I don’t want anything to complicate my…” Someone from the street below yelled my name, interrupting me.

“Alicia…” someone called again.

Turning around, I thought I was seeing things. It was Joe walking towards me with a deep frown on his face.

“Oh my God…”

“Who is that?” I didn’t have time to tell Brian who it was before Joe was right in front of us.

“Joe what are you doing here?”

“You blocked my number, you haven’t answered my emails, I left a letter at your building...did you get it?” Brian stayed at my side as Joe looked back and forth from me to Brian.

“I’m busy Joe. I’m in law school, remember? I told you that I have other things…”

“But I love you…” My stomach boiled when he said that.

“Love...you don’t know shit about love. What are you talking about?” I thought back to the bitches that he cheated on me with, how it felt to find out that I wasn’t the only one, but one of SEVERAL women that he frequented.

“Can you give a second, man?” Joe said to Brian as if he was trying to excuse him in some kind of way.

“He doesn’t have to go anywhere...whatever you have to say to me you can say in front of my boyfriend.” The words just came out. I prayed that Brian would play along but the look on Joe’s face was too priceless for me to back down from the lie now.

“Boyfriend...this white boy is your boyfriend?” He chuckled a little bit but I kept a straight face.

“Yep...and unlike you he isn’t some lying, cheating, piece of shit.” Brian put his arm around me, following right into the act.

“Baby let’s go. My car is this way.” Brian said pulling me away.

“Nice meeting you Joe.” Brian said walking away and I smiled and waved leaving Joe in the middle of the sidewalk.

“Thank you, thank you, thank you…”

“Well now you officially owe me.” We walked a few feet around the corner, Brian leading me to a car.

“What do you want in return?” I asked as he opened the passenger side door for me.

“One night...one night to make up for the other night.” I thought about it as he talked.

“I know you’re probably pissed but we can go to your place and I can spend…”

“No...not to my place.”

“Why not?”

“My Dad...he’s in town.”

“Wow, your Dad is here.”

“Yeah, from the shooting situation. You know…” I didn’t have to say anymore. I wondered what he thought about the issue but he looked just as tired as me and was probably equally tired of hearing everyone else’s opinion about it.

“Well you can come to my house then. Whatever...I just want to spend some time with you and... Study.”

I searched his eyes for a lie, trying to figure out his motives as he stood with the door open daring me to get inside.

“One night Brian...and all we are doing is studying.” I warned him.

“Of course, just studying for the exam.”

He took my bag, placing it into the back seat as I got in the car. Crossing my legs as he closed the door I could feel that I had already lied. There was no way we were just studying, I was wetter than a pool and today he looked more gorgeous than our first night. He had a bit of stubble where his clean-shaven face used to be, which gave him this daring look. I was turned on and it was official. We were going to do some studying alright but it wouldn’t be in a book.

I
was riding him
, bucking, bouncing and grinding my hips into his dick like my life depended on it.

He had a nice house but I didn’t have time to see it. Not seconds after we came through the door, our hands all over each other; ripping each other’s clothes off and leaving a trail of discarded garments all the way to the bedroom, where we were now fucking each other’s brains out.

“I’m cumming.” I felt my orgasm slip over me, hot and thrashing through my body until I was shaking all over.

“I’m cumming too.” Brian growled as we both came squeezing each other as I fell off of him into the soft bed. We were both breathing like we had run a marathon with me smiling and him laughing right back at me.

“What’s so damn funny?” I asked as I tried catching my breath.

“You and that guy...he looked so damn sad. I hope you don’t break my heart like that.” I had to laugh at that.

“What heart? You didn’t call me and you probably won’t call me after this.” He shook his head, resting his hands behind it.

“I told you I had to work. It’s been a real mess lately.” I watched as his face went from a smile to a frown.

“Why don’t you tell me about it?” He looked at me, smiling as he got up and headed for his closet. I watched his body as he pulled on a shirt and underwear. It seemed like every part of his body was chiseled and hard with perfectly crafted muscles. I just wanted to lick and touch every inch of his body.

“It's such a long story. I don’t know if you want to hear about my job?”

I knew how it felt to talk about something that you didn’t want to so I left it alone and changed subjects.

“Come on, you got me all off track. I need to get some studying done.”

“Well hell, who’s stopping you? Get your books. Let's get this shit going.”

“Can I borrow a shirt or do you want to study staring at my nakedness?” He laughed and pointed to a drawer, when heard someone banging on the door.

“Are you expecting someone.” He shook his head no.

“Wait here. I’ll be right back.” I did as he said trying to hear what was going on.

I heard the squeaking of a woman’s voice and then Brian’s.

“No, I told you it was over. Now leave.” Lord, please don’t tell me this man has a girlfriend. I never thought about that. I only checked his hand for a ring but never asked about a girlfriend.

“Yes, leave. Goodbye.” I heard the door slam and Brian returned a few minutes later. His face was red and he looked irritated.

“Who was that...your girlfriend?” He waved me off. “I can always leave.”

“She is my ex, just trying to get back in that’s all.”

“You sure she isn’t some fatal attraction or something. I don’t want to be in the middle of your mess.” He laughed at that but I was sort of serious.

“No, she is harmless.”

“Alright, because I didn’t know you had a girlfriend.” His sarcastic remarks were sort of rubbing off on me.

“I’m single unless you want me?”

“You sure about that?” I asked, grinning at him.

“Well, you still didn’t tell me much about that guy outside the school.” I rolled my eyes as I went to his dresser, resuming my search for a shirt. I opened the top drawer. I had a response all mapped out for him but when I saw the gun I stopped in my tracks. The shiny steel handle caught my eye but what lay beside it caused me to freeze. I couldn’t speak.

“What’s wrong?” He must have seen it as he watched me.

“Are you a...a cop?” I asked, turning around.

“Yeah...I don’t really like to tell anyone but.” I didn’t know how to feel. My whole life cops were looked upon as the enemy. The assholes that always arrested my Dad when he was trying to fight for equal rights; predators that harassed citizens and shot unarmed young black men just like the boy from the other half of the city.

I didn’t know what to say.

“Is that a problem?” He asked, coming over to me and pulling me close.

“No...I...I just have never dated a cop.” My Mom actually told me never to date one. It was one of those words of wisdom your parents give you before you are even old enough to participate in whatever act they are telling you about.

I was ten, way too young to encounter a police officer, let alone one that was interested in dating when she let me in on a secret.

“Don’t ever date a cop. They could be crazy and possessive then who will you call for help?”
She had a point and it made sense but I was never really interested in a police officer before now.

“I didn’t mean to lie to you or not tell the truth. I just don’t like to tell people about my job.” He slowly closed the drawer, opening another and handing me a shirt.

“So the other night when you left. Were you called over into…”

“With the protests from the shooting?”

“Yes…”

“Yeah, I was there.” He told me shaking his head. “And it is way worse than the news portrays it.”

“I’m not surprised at that.” My Dad had been talking about it nonstop, so I had more information than I saw on the news about what was happening.

“But why won’t they say who did it. Who was the officer?” Brian didn’t say anything. He looked at me shaking his head.

“What? You can’t tell me?”

“No, I might lose my job if I do.” I felt irritated by that.

“So you agree that they shouldn’t tell people who the cop was. If he did nothing wrong then why hide?” I heard my father’s voice as I spoke to Brian but I didn’t realize until the end that I was yelling.

“I shouldn’t have told you. I knew this would complicate things.” I got up, pulling my clothes on as fast as I could.

“Yeah maybe I should have asked a while ago if you were a racist asshole cop.”

“I’m not a racist and I’m not an asshole.” I didn’t want to hear anything else about it. “Well if you’re not, then why do you support this agenda?” He had no answers, breathing deeply and putting his hands up I had all the answers I needed.

My hands were shaking as I put on my shoes.

“Where are you going?”

“I’m going home where I won’t be lied to.”

“I didn’t lie...I just didn’t want to tell you. I don’t talk about work.” Maybe I was being unreasonable, or maybe it was the times, or possibly it was my shock from seeing that gun and the badge but whatever it was, I was done.

“Look...I’ll see you in class. No need to call me.” I told him, grabbing my things and walking out. My Mom told me to never date a cop and I broke the rule. My Dad told me never to date a white man and I had abolished his warning. Now I was outside, walking in the dark to the nearest bus stop with a cracked heart and a backpack full of books. Things couldn’t possibly get any worse.