Being Amber (8 page)

As Xander watched Jaci slip the shimmering fabric over her head and bare shoulders, he acknowledged the compulsion he had to fix it, to make everything better for her. His mind returned to the many ways he would help her forget all of this. She didn’t want to feel. He knew how to get her to that place where the world receded, where her body chemicals took over. Enticing flashes of erotic scenes comprised the mental rundown of how he would get her there.

Son of a bitch. He was hard while his mind devised all the things he wanted to do to Jaci, with Jaci, for Jaci. He watched her get ready, still slumped over and looking at her lap. Caroline brushed her hair and then loosely braided it into a thick rope, falling onto her back.

He could help her tonight, if she’d let him. He opened his mouth to tell Caroline she should go, that he’d finish helping Jaci get ready, when Hannah and Emily blew in through the door bringing positive energy and fun banter with them. “We came with food. Fresh chicken, mashed potatoes with green beans,” Emily said.

Caroline gasped. “Oh my God. Where did you get chicken?”

“Sid from the restaurant knew I volunteered for a sit-in and made it special for us,” Emily said.

Xander watched as Jaci looked back and forth between the two women in confusion.

“Man, I haven’t eaten chicken that hasn’t seen the inside of a can for almost year,” Caroline said. The thrill of the treat electrified the air as everybody looked at the small plate of chicken Emily brought from the restaurant she worked at.

“I’m missing something. What’s the big deal about chicken?” Jaci finally asked.

“Fresh meat is hard to come by in the Amber Zone,” Hannah said. “We’re bottom of the food chain. There’s always plenty of fruit, nuts and veggies, but meat is usually canned. Milk is usually powdered, and some things are almost impossible to get, like chocolate and coffee.”

“Well, chocolate and coffee are hard to get in Sapphire too, but it sounds like Amber suffers more from the shortages than the other zones,” Jaci said.

Jordan rejoined them, slipping into the apartment just in time to get a small portion of chicken. All the women ate together on the bed and filled Jaci in on some of the characters that lived on the fourth floor, trying to give her the lay of the land. Xander didn’t eat the small plate of food Emily sat in front of him on the dinette table. He watched Jaci, tried to read her, tried to figure out how much he still had to worry about her. His heart lurched at the look of trepidation that flashed over Jaci’s face as Hannah stood. “Are you ready to do this? You don’t have to, you know.”

“I guess.” Jaci shrugged and then turned her head to look at Xander as if to make sure he was still there. “Might as well get everybody’s curiosity out of the way.”

Caroline got up from the bed and gathered the remnants of the dinner. Hannah straightened up the sheet and blanket, brushing off a few crumbs here and there.

Emily walked to the door, her curly springs of hair bounced with her steps. As soon as the door was opened, the immediate buzz of voices told Xander the hallway was packed with curious neighbors, just as it was the night before.

An endless stream of people visited Jaci while he brooded. Finding her rolled into a ball in the bathtub wrenched his feelings from their hiding spot, and the breakdown that followed tied his heart into knots. He was more worried about her after seeing her fall apart. He was sure the depth of hurt she felt was barely tolerable. It was hard not to be affected by it, not when standing there staring it down face to face. It took him several hours to pull himself together, and even though various people sat and talked with him, it wasn’t until Rock came in that Xander started to tamp down the thoughts and emotions that sprung up from his time with Jaci earlier in the night.

Emily introduced Rock to Jaci, and then he crossed the room to sit next to Xander. The two of them spent the better part of the evening casually pretending that they weren’t conducting the most intense stake out of their careers.

The apartment was loud and crowded by the time Gwen arrived. She grabbed Xander’s hand the moment she got close enough to touch him. He registered an instant of surprise at the concerned look on her face. He thought he’d been hiding his turmoil well. “Somehow, I knew this would be hard for you,” she murmured. “Are you okay?”

Xander glanced over to Rock who nodded, and then excused himself.

“It’s fine,” he said with the most convincing smile he could muster. But they grew up together. Gwen was his family, his adopted sister. She knew him. With a glance, she knew.

Gwen’s mother died a few weeks after Xander’s dad, leaving her young and parentless. Their mothers had been best friends, so it was a no-brainer for his mom, Allie, to take her in.

Having a sibling in the Amber Zone was an anomaly and a blessing. The two of them grew up together, sharing the common ground of knowing what it felt like to lose a parent. She always seemed to know what was going on inside him, probably because similar things were going on inside her. They were close, and he couldn’t wait for Gwen to meet Jaci. He wanted to know Gwen’s initial opinion of her. She was a good judge of character, and suddenly it was important for her to like Jaci, to give her stamp of approval on the woman. But tonight would not be the night to find out. The place was a madhouse.

Gwen sat and held his hand for over an hour. Then she left with plans to stop back to meet Jaci when there weren’t so many people around.

The evening was excruciatingly long for Xander as the majority of people living in the vicinity paraded in to pay their respects to the new fallow of the building. He watched every person who walked into their apartment closely for some indication of stalking behavior, mental instability or even overfriendliness. He noticed nothing unusual from the visitors, but learned a lot about his new roommate.

Jaci handled the steady stream of people sitting and laying on the bed well. Every single person that came in the room that night touched her. It was obvious this was like nothing she’d ever seen or experienced before. She looked self-conscious at first when both men and women kissed her cheeks, caressed her arms, and ran their fingers through her hair. She seemed extraordinarily surprised that, to them, she was important. Special.

She was approachable, and even though she felt terrible, she made the effort to get to know people and return their touch. She got it. He was impressed.

Whenever anyone asked how she was feeling, “Good” was always her response. He knew she didn’t feel good. But her strength of spirit, her pride, would not let her show her personal pain. It didn’t look like she was feeling sorry for herself and she didn’t want others to feel sorry for her either, and that made her all the more endearing.

Because he’d been watching the visitors so closely, Xander caught the play of emotions on their faces when they interacted with her. This was upsetting for many of the men, women too, he guessed, but probably more in a thank-God-it’s-you-and-not-me kind of way.

He understood the Gov’s desire to eliminate the genetic anomalies, reducing and eventually eliminating the diseased people who burdened the social systems that are only now functional again. Amber society helped themselves feel better by assigning the fallow a place of honor within the community. They patted themselves on the back, telling themselves it was enough and moved on. The truth, the fact that the fallow suffered in silence throughout their whole lives, was dismissed. Despite the questionable circumstances of the last three fallow deaths, statistics showed a significantly higher rate of suicide for them compared to the rest of the Amber population. Xander silently vowed Jaci would not be one of them. She would make it through all of this. He was going to be sure of it.

The evening wound down with no obvious suspects standing out. It was late, and Caroline was saying goodbye to the last of the stragglers. Rock, who’d been sitting with him again since Gwen left, nodded his goodbye to Jaci and left with Emily. Caroline closed the door after the last visitor left and met his gaze. Jaci had already rolled over onto her side and seemed close to sleep.

“You can go,” Xander said. “I’ll take care of her overnight.”

Caroline stood looking between Jaci and him for a moment.

“She’ll be fine. You’ve done enough for the day. Go.”

With a sigh, Caroline picked up her purse. “Com me if you need me. I can be here in two minutes.”

He nodded and ushered Caroline through the doorway, closing and locking the door behind her. He walked through the apartment, turning off lights and throwing away cups left behind by their visitors.

He got ready for bed in the bathroom, brushing his teeth and stripping off his jeans and t-shirt. He was excited to be back in his own apartment, his own bed again. This would be the first good night’s sleep he’d have in weeks.

Coming out of the bathroom, Xander turned off the light and walked around the foot of the bed to get to his side. It was dark, but not so dark that he couldn’t see. The moon cast a faint blue light in through the window, and he easily saw Jaci’s face once his eyes adjusted to the dark.

He pulled back the blanket and slid in next to her. She faced him and was obviously fast asleep. He studied her face. She was lovely. The blueish light from the moon illuminated her. She was an angel with an aura of peaceful grace surrounding her. She looked less troubled than in her earlier sleep. He sighed with relaxation and relief.

“Jaci?”

“Hmm?”

“Roll over to your other side.”

Jaci cracked an eye open. “Not enough room?”

“It’s not that. I can’t get up next to you if you’re facing me. Unless you want to switch sides if that’s better for you.”

Without answering, Jaci rolled over so she faced away from him. She took a deep breath and settled back to sleep as Xander pressed his body against hers. The wall of his abs cradled the curve of her spine. The bare skin of her legs brushed up against his. He slaked his hand up her side, encountering the material of her panties and the yellow silk nightshirt. He clenched his teeth, wanting so badly to go underneath the shirt instead of over. Her hair brushed his face, smelling like vanilla and tickling his nose. He smiled, she smelled sweet, too. He gingerly let his hand fall around her, on the outside of her shirt, his elbow at her waist, his hand cupping her breast.

“Okay?” he whispered.

Goose bumps raised on her skin and the nipple under his palm hardened.

Xander chuckled. “I’ll take that as a yes.”

* * * *

Rock faced away from the two women in his bed, listening to Journey ask all about Jaci and the goings on that evening. He loved to listen to them talk when they thought he was sleeping. The voyeuristic quality of eavesdropping, of hearing the side of a person they don’t intend you to know, the secret side of them, was compelling.

Earlier, Journey had been petulant when he’d left for Xander’s apartment. She was mad because he wouldn’t let her go too.

But even now, he stood by his decision. Journey was a different kind of woman than most. She was small, shy and easily affected by others. In other words, the complete opposite of Emily.

He’d been clueless on how to handle this skittish woman when she’d moved in almost two years ago. It looked like she was about to cry from the sight of him alone. Rock assumed she’d probably gotten that way from years of moving from place to place after her parents died. It seemed like she wanted to make as little noise and take up the smallest amount of space she possibly could. He was so completely blessed to have Emily in his life back then. She embraced Journey with open arms and acted in Rock’s place many times when he was clueless as to what to do because his mere presence intimidated the tiny mouse of a woman. Emily helped him soothe Journey regularly back then.

He felt fortunate his girlfriend and his roommate got along. He’d known many men who’d had to get rid of their girlfriends because they didn’t get along with their females. Not Emily.

Journey had come a long way since her arrival at his apartment. What at first seemed to Rock like an impossible pairing, quickly became exactly right for him. She needed a strong protector and he was very good at the protection thing.

He was all she had, and he’d move mountains for her if she needed him to.

Rolling over, Rock met Emily’s gaze over Journey’s head. She was spooning Journey with both arms wrapped firmly around her. Journey looked over at him. Her eyes widened and her chatter suddenly dropped off when she realized he wasn’t asleep.

“If I let Emily console you, do you think you’ll be able to get rid of your hurt feelings and wake up tomorrow with a better attitude?” Rock asked.

He glanced back up at Emily. She smiled at him, and her eyes glittered with desire. He was well aware Emily loved soothing Journey. He didn’t let her do it often. He didn’t want Journey to become dependent on either one of them for touch or sexual gratification. She needed to learn and become comfortable with the process of making new benefriends. Which, he had to admit, she was.