Being Amber (5 page)

“Nope. You’re it. We’re the Sit-In Team and you’re stuck with us until our job is done.”

“Job?” Jaci shook her head. “I’m lost.”

“The Team helps new fallows from other zones adjust,” Caroline said. “I’m the Sit-In Team Leader.”

“We’ve got a lot of things to talk about today,” the woman in the corner said. “My name’s Hannah, by the way, in case you don’t remember from last night. You were pretty out of it.” She patted Jaci’s blanket covered leg.

“And I’m Jordan. We’re gong to be working together once you’re up and around.”

All of the women sort of looked alike. All had brown hair and brown eyes like she did. She would have to pay attention to faces more closely since virtually everybody designated as an Amber had brown hair and brown eyes.

Caroline had shoulder length straight brown hair with bangs. Her face was scrubbed clean which gave her appearance of being a bit plain.

After Jaci swallowed her pills, Caroline took a deep breath and spoke first. “Well, welcome to the Amber Zone.”

Jaci looked at her lap and then looked at the other women. “Thank you.”

They all smiled back at her with kindness. Or was it pity she saw in their eyes?

“Living in Amber is going to be different from what you’re used to. Are you up to talking now? Or do you want to hold off for a while?” Caroline asked.

“Now’s okay.”

“Good. Well, let’s see. Starting’s always the hard part.” Caroline looked up at the ceiling for a moment as if she was figuring out exactly what words to use.

“I’ve been doing this long enough to know you feel like you’ve lost everything, that you’ve been dumped here. I also know what the other designations think of us, that we’re stupid and diseased. Part of our job as the Sit-In Team is to help you understand that, for the most part, we’re just like you.” She took Jaci’s hand. “You’re already accepted as one of us and you never have to feel abandoned or alone.

Jaci looked down at their joined hands, feeling slightly weird about it. She hadn’t held another woman’s hand since she was a young girl reaching out for the comfort of her mother.

“The major difference about our way of life compared to the other classes has nothing to do with our eye color or IQ. Our zone is completely different though, better, in my opinion. But I need to fill you in on some of our social norms that are different from what you’re used to.”

Jaci’s mind latched on to the word better and didn’t track much after that. That woman actually thought life was better here? “Okay,” she said, as if she was asking what the punch line was.

Caroline went on. “Let me go back and tell you the history. It’ll help explain why things are the way they are. If that makes any sense.” She laughed.

“About twenty-five years ago, as a part of an agreement made with the Amber leaders at the time, the Gov researched and developed a program to help the Amber couples who were free of Automatic Disqualifiers raise their one and only child in a way that would reduce the suffering brought on by the Repopulation Laws. Doctors and other professionals determined that social support was the best way to cope with the sterilizations and other crippling conditions, as well as the restrictions Ambers have to deal with regularly.

“Back then, our parents were miserable, and they wanted their children to be happier than they were. Mandatory parenting classes were developed that taught new parents how to raise our generation so that coping mechanisms are developed and in place from birth. They went to the classes gladly. Every parent was desperate to have their one and only child live a happier life than they had. They were hopeful that this program was the solution, so they rigorously followed the recommendations and totally immersed us in an environment of unconditional acceptance and almost constant touch.

“Now, people who have been born and raised as Ambers, our generation, have a stronger connection with each other. We have built in coping skills to help us deal with the Repopulation Laws as well as all of the inevitable catastrophic illnesses that many of us were diagnosed with at our genetic testing.”

“Here in Amber, we don’t have the invisible don’t-touch zone around us like you had in Sapphire. Touching is no different for us than breathing,” Jordan cut in. “We just do it. We don’t think about it. It’s such an intrinsic part of our lives that many Ambers have difficulty going periods of time without the support of someone else’s touch.”

Jaci studied Jordan as she spoke. She was short-haired, petite and fit. Definitely a no-nonsense type of woman. Somebody who would fit in with a crowd of men as well, or maybe even better than with a crowd of women.

“You may not realize it now, but we’re helping you heal, emotionally and physically, with our presence, our touch and our support,” Emily said.

There was a lull in the conversation. The women let what they’d said sink in. For long moments, a relaxed silence filled the room. Jaci looked at the four of them surrounding her, touching her.

Jaci closed her eyes to escape the scrutiny of the women. Just yesterday, she would have preferred death to life in Amber. Maybe it wouldn’t be as bad here as she thought. A surge of hope took up residence within her. She did feel emotionally better today, surrounded by these women, than she did yesterday. Could it be true? Could she feel included, happy even, being Amber?

Jaci opened her eyes and looked at each one of them individually. She had the feeling they would sit there and wait for her, holding her, hugging her, raking their fingers through her hair as long as she needed it. Overcome by the depth of sincerity and acceptance she felt from these women, she nodded her head slowly in understanding.

“Let’s take a break. I have to pee, and I need some tea and food,” Hannah said, slicing through the silence. They all answered in murmurs of soft agreement, getting up from their places on the bed. Jordan and Emily went to the kitchen together.

When Hannah returned from the bathroom, she and Caroline helped Jaci from the bed to the toilet and closed the door behind them as they left.

After she went to the bathroom, Jaci took stock of herself. She noticed the removal of the mandatory birth control device that had been implanted in her arm since she was sixteen. She wouldn’t need it now. She poked at the two small stitches in her skin from the removal procedure. They didn’t hurt.

She lifted up the front of her hospital gown and took off the dressing covering her incisions. The two horizontal cuts in her skin were an angry red with vertical strips of tape keeping them closed.

That’s it. It was done.

Jaci’s emotions plummeted. Like falling through thin ice, cold anguish enveloped her. The quickness and magnitude of the plunge caught her off guard. She groaned aloud and fell to her knees, bracing herself on the edge of the tub. “Oh fuck, fuck, fuck,” she sobbed almost imperceptibly.

It didn’t matter. None of the things the women told her today mattered. It was a distraction, giving her false hope that her future here in Amber was going to be tolerable. Her life was not a fairy tale, and she wasn’t going to find happily ever after here.

Jaci laid her cheek on the cool surface of the rim of the tub as she cycled through the physical and mental assault of her new life.

There was a tap on the bathroom door before it opened. Caroline entered and closed the door gently behind her. “I shouldn’t have left you alone. I’m so sorry. I should have known better.” She rubbed Jaci’s back and combed her fingers through her hair, hushing her and whispering encouragements.

It took several minutes before Jaci pulled herself together and straightened her spine. “I’m okay.”

“Let’s get this redressed.” Caroline helped Jaci up and grabbed the box of surg patches sitting on the counter next to the sink. She placed a fresh one on each of Jaci’s wounds. “They’ve definitely perfected this procedure over the years. You’ll be feeling pretty good by tomorrow,” she said unfazed as if she always found women in crumpled heaps on their bathroom floor.

When they finally exited the bathroom, she found that the other women had laid tea, bagels, and muffins on a tray in the middle of the bed. They helped Jaci in, propping her on pillows until she was comfortable and sitting up enough to eat.

They ate in relative silence with only snippets about the food and tea breaking the quiet. It gave Jaci time to process the information from the morning and stabilize her mood.

“So, do the men take advantage of this touching thing? You know, sexually? I mean how do you know if a man is touching you because he likes you or just because it’s what everybody does?”

“Now that’s the question isn’t it,” Emily said, laughing. “I like the way you think. The mind seems to travel right to the guys, doesn’t it? Doesn’t matter if you’re an Amber or a Diamond.”

“You especially are going to have countless people, both men and women, touching you a lot,” Caroline said.

“Why me especially?”

“Because you’re a fallow. Women who’ve been sterilized before having their baby, the ones that had the choice to have a child totally taken away from them, are honored members of our community. Ambers have been raised to give special attention, support and acceptance to fallows. You’ve made the ultimate sacrifice. Your loss does not go unnoticed here. It’s a part of our culture, and I think defines who we are as a community. We’re always trying to make life easier to live.”

“That’s part of the reason why there was a u-com sent about you to the building yesterday,” Hannah said softly, looking with kindness into Jaci’s eyes. “Every woman here will be sterilized eventually, but after we’ve given birth to a child. There are fewer women identified with Automatic Disqualifier genes, resulting in less fallows than there used to be and even fewer from different zones like you, so you’re a big deal.”

“And the info gets around. The coms about your arrival yesterday were flying. Plus, people talk. Pretty much every woman in the building tried to stop by last night. I had to have Xander drive them away at the door,” Caroline said.

“Xander?”

“Xander’s your roommate.” Emily piped in.

“I have a male roommate?”

“Yeah, we all do,” Emily said. “Except for Caroline. She hasn’t had a roommate for how long now Caroline?

“Over a year.”

“How do they keep managing to skip over you?” Jordan asked.

Caroline shrugged.

“Anyways,” Emily went on with a wave of her hand. “All single Ambers are paired up boy-girl.”

“It’s like having a built in big brother,” Jordan said. “Well, at least that’s what I think having a big brother would be like. It’s reassuring to have some built-in family. None of us has siblings, and a lot of our parents are sick or have died already. Our roommates take care of us. It’s expected.”

“I’m pretty sure the boy-girl pairing started as a result from the Gov studies,” Caroline said. “They showed that supportive touch from the opposite sex affects a person more positively and with increased strength.”

“I agree,” Emily said, smiling with an added eyebrow wag.

“Leave it to Emily to jump into a conversation as soon as it gets anywhere near the subject of sex,” Caroline said drily.

“There are some roommates that end up hooking up and sometimes even get married. But more often than not, they’re our protectors and best friends. Nothing else,” Jordan said.

Jaci glanced between Emily and Jordan and immediately decided that she liked them both, especially Emily. If somebody could be that happy as an Amber, she wanted to get to know them better. Maybe some of that effervescence would rub off on her.

“Anyways, we’ll be staying with you for a while, until you…well, won’t freak when Xander wants to be touching you. You know, when you’re both home, sleeping and stuff.” Hannah said.

Jaci felt disconcerted by the thought of some guy she didn’t know sleeping next to her, touching her.

“That look, right there,” Caroline said, motioning to Jaci. “We’ll stay with you until you don’t have that look on your face when you’re thinking about other people touching you all the time.”

Jaci tried to wipe whatever look Caroline was talking about off her face.

“It has been hard for some women from different zones to adjust to the different culture and to being a fallow,” Caroline said.

Jaci noticed the split second glances the women exchanged with each other, but before she opened her mouth to ask about it, Jordan quickly changed the subject.

“Believe it or not, the last twenty-four hours have been hard on Xander. Nobody knew you were here until the u-com was sent. You were already at the Sterilization Center by the time we found out about you.”