Being Amber (10 page)

As it turned out, the rush back to her apartment was for nothing. It was empty when they got there.

“You need to talk to your mother. It’s been too long already,” Jordan said as she settled into one of the chairs at the cafe table in the corner.

Jaci sighed and fell silent, trying to think of another good excuse that would fend off this push to call. She couldn’t think of one.

Originally, she’d been avoiding the call because she was embarrassed and ashamed of her designation to Amber. She didn’t want to admit that to Jordan and she didn’t feel that way anymore anyways, but she knew her mom would. She was hiding from her mom’s reaction, from her pity. She couldn’t hide forever. “Okay,” Jaci said, shaking her head.

Jaci spent about ten minutes reassuring her mom that she was okay after telling her about the Automatic Disqualifier. Then, she gave instructions on what clothes and personal items needed to be sent. She ended the conversation promising that she would com again soon.

As Jaci touched her ear bud to disconnect, she knew she’d lied. She wouldn’t be calling again soon. She’d made her mother too upset and to be honest, it made her upset, too. It felt good hearing the sound of her mom’s voice, but it was also a harsh reminder of what she’d lost and of what other people think about her now. She was still the same person, but somehow the Amber label changed her in other people’s eyes.

She and Jordan talked about life and the curves it threw until Xander got home and then Jordan took off, stating she had her own plans for the evening.

Xander had invited Rock and Emily over for a series marathon. Gradually, more and more old programming became available to watch through the video feeds. Some of the shows were so old it was like watching history. She looked forward to hanging out and watching the shows together, marathon style. She’d done it with friends in Sapphire and it was always a blast laughing about the language and clothes and drooling over the food people enjoyed back then. Plus, spending time with Emily always seemed to make her feel better, lighter inside, and that feeling was one she’d craved since she arrived in Amber.

When Emily and Rock arrived carrying food and drink, a storm of activity arrived with them. Emily sported a devilish smile, as always, and Rock oozed intimidation with his size, tattoos and rough, throaty voice. It took a lot to overshadow Rock’s presence, but Emily did it easily.

They settled in quickly with all four of them sprawled on the bed, and started watching
Sex in the City
. The series was about the opulent, narcissistic lifestyle of women of the early twenty-first century.

When they paused the marathon so the men could get some food together for all of them to munch on, Jaci tried to gauge whether she and Emily were still within earshot. The men were in the kitchen making snacks, drinking beer and totally engrossed in their conversation.

Jaci had enough of a buzz to ask Emily the questions she’d been holding on to. They’d moved to the small round table on the other side of the bar, dangerously close to where the men were. But curiosity won out and Jaci went for it.

“I need to pick your brain,” she said, leaning in toward Emily.

“Shoot,” she said loudly. Jaci’s subtlety was lost on her.

“When Jordan took me around the building today, there were some apartments that had groups of people having sex and some with other people watching them have sex like it’s no big deal. This is totally new to me. You need to fill me in. Jordan said it was normal. No big deal?”

“It’s not a big deal, not in Circle City anyway. I don’t think it’s that common with the married couples in Amber outside of Circle City. Most couples quit the group thing, if they were even into it in the first place, especially after they’re married.”

“Do you and Rock?”

“Once in a while we’ll do something different than only the two of us. Actually, it’s the only thing holding me back from saying yes to Rock’s marriage proposals. I’m not sure I’m going to be satisfied with one person sexually right now, or for the rest of my life.

“Oh, my wounded heart,” Rock cut in.

Emily looked up with a smirk and a fiery twinkle in her eye as she locked her gaze on her boyfriend.

“I’m going to get you to say yes this year, Em, so get your last flings in while you can.” Rock’s voice softened. “Plus, baby, you know I got more than enough in my repertoire to keep you going for the rest of our lives together.”

Emily rolled her eyes and ignored him. “Where were we?”

“Group sex,” Xander prompted in a gravelly voice.

Jaci’s cheeks burned with a rising blush. “Okay, so I just walk in…and join them? Even if I don’t know them?”

“Yeah.” Emily shrugged.

Jaci was silent for a few moments, trying to fully process the information. “And it’s totally no big deal?”

“No.”

“What part are you hung up on?” Xander asked.

“Every part. The whole perspective on sex here is completely contradictory from the way I was raised in Sapphire. You guys are so, ‘It’s a biological need. It’s totally natural.’ While the attitude about sex in Sapphire is more like ‘wait for the right person and don’t be easy or they won’t respect you.’”

“I’ve heard that from other people who’ve come from there. You’ll like it better here. I guarantee it.” Emily beamed.

“That’s what Jordan said. She also said that the men here are better lovers.” Jaci took another swig from her beer and knew that her face was full on flushed with embarrassment as she continued, “That they, you know–know what they’re doing.”

“We should. We’ve had lots of practice,” Xander said smugly as his hot gaze traveled over Jaci’s body and back up to her face. He searched her eyes as if he were trying to gauge her reaction.

It was the first time he’d done anything at all that could be interpreted as sexual and it flustered Jaci so much she looked away. “Well, I’ve had…I’ve had not as much as you.” She lifted her chin. A conspicuous silence followed her comment and she felt compelled to fill it. “I’m not a virgin,” she announced, trying way too hard to not sound like one. “But the experiences in Sapphire were,” Jaci paused, “less than gratifying. It made me wonder what the big deal was about.”

Xander and Rock flashed incredulous glances at each other.

“Don’t worry about it. The guys do all the work anyway,” Emily said, looking at Rock with arousal flaring in her eyes.

“I’m not worried,” Jaci lied. “I’m actually kind of excited that maybe it will be better here.”

“Jaci, it is definitely going to be better here.” Emily winked at her. Then to Jaci’s mortification, she continued, “Are you comfortable being naked? Because you’re never going to be able to come if you’re feeling self-conscious.” She looked at Jaci expectantly as if she’d asked whether she liked the color blue or if she had read any good books lately.

“Uh, not particularly.”

“I can help you with that particular problem,” Xander said. He was obviously amused by the turn the conversation had taken.

Jaci looked over at Xander as he made his amused offer for help. Then Emily said something, but her voice receded. Jaci wasn’t listening. Her gaze was locked with Xander’s. He wasn’t smiling anymore. He looked her over with X-ray eyes. She actually brought her hand up to check her shirt. Then her heart skipped a beat when his scorching gaze traveled there. It made her wet, and from the look on his face, he knew it.

Jaci spent the rest of the night confused. As they progressed through the marathon, she was hyper-aware of every miniscule movement, every changed facial expression from the man sitting next to her on the bed. All of a sudden, it seemed like she had to try extremely hard to keep her eyes off him. She was fucking losing it.

They all drank heavily and laughed hysterically at episode after episode of what Jaci could only describe as ridiculous clothes and mindless problems.

At some point, she’d fallen asleep and barely reached consciousness when Xander woke her up to get her under the covers.

She woke in the middle of the night curled up, as always, in Xander’s arms with his hand gripping her wrist. When she opened her eyes, she was staring into Emily’s sleeping face. Rock lay curled around her with his arm in a tight hold around her waist. The video feed was paused, frozen on a close up of the main character of the series they’d been watching.

She was surprised to see Emily and Rock were still there. She’d assumed that they would leave at the end of the night. This place was so fundamentally different from the Sapphire Zone that it was hard to anticipate other people’s behaviors. She was constantly revising her expectations of what others would do or say.

Lying there in the still silence of the night was about as close as she got to having time to herself. For the most part, she didn’t mind the absence of solitude. This way, she didn’t have time to dwell on the negative. But she also didn’t have time to make sense of the influx of new information about the Amber Zone. Jaci unpacked all of the tidbits that she’d tucked away so far. She needed to put them together and reason through everything in hopes of getting a better understanding of all the differences. She was beginning to understand her new Zone in its most basic form and the thought processes that drive the people here.

She figured Rock and Emily didn’t leave because, as far as they were concerned, they belonged in this apartment just as much as anywhere else in Circle City. The whole city was theirs. It belonged to all of them. They all owned the same things, had the same furniture in their apartments, earned the same number of credits, and all of them worked for the good of the rest.

All supported all. She was hit with an ah-ha moment. This place was a commune, a society that lived, worked and loved each other without boundaries. Nobody was better than anybody else. There was no mine or yours, only ours. They recognized that every single Amber here needed everybody else in order to survive, in order to meet the physical and emotional needs of one another so that they all could cope. They worked together to confront and solve their problems because everything else worked against them.

“What’s wrong?” Xander murmured from behind her.

God he was tuned into her. He knew she was awake even though there was nothing she did to alert him to that fact.

“Nothing,” she whispered. “Go back to sleep.”

He grunted and squeezed her wrist for a second before they both settled back into sleep for the rest of the night.

The following morning, Jaci was happy to see Rock and Emily leave early. She loved starting the day alone with Xander.

Now, she luxuriated in the comfort of his arms. The morning sun bathed their room with cheerful contentment as she listened to the even paced breathing of Xander’s slumber. She thought about all the changes in her life since she’d arrived in Amber. She smiled to herself remembering the fun she’d had the night before and the friendships she’d made since arriving. So far, things were turning out better than she could have ever imagined.

She still missed her life in Sapphire. She was still sad, but the sadness was bearable now. She took a deep breath. Yes, it was bearable. She took advantage of the private moment to allow her mind to wander to the life she left, to touch upon the dreams she’d held close, of teaching and being a mom. She let her heart feel the loss. This was something she didn’t often do. It wasn’t productive. But, from time to time she let herself feel it. She couldn’t pretend her grief didn’t exist. It was still such a fresh pain.

A steady stream of tears rolled from the corner of her eyes, soaking into the pillowcase as she allowed herself to dwell on her losses. So many times she’d been forced to restrict the amount of time she let herself think about them, feel them. She always restricted herself, stopping before the pain turned into an anguish that overwhelmed her. She thanked God for the extraordinary gift she received when she landed here in Xander’s arms. It helped more than she could even put into words.

When Jaci’s nose began to run along with her silent tears, she slid out of Xander’s clutch to get a tissue. When she returned to the bed, Xander was awake and studying her face as she got back under the covers.

“What’s wrong?”

“I was thinking about my family. Sometimes I can’t stop myself from feeling the loss. It sneaks up on me. It still hurts so bad. I wish the pain would go away, leave me in peace so I can move on with my life.” Her voice wavered. “I don’t want to feel it anymore.”

He circled his arm around her waist and pulled her toward him.

“I’m not going back to sleep, Xander,” she said as she resisted the pull.

“Relax.” He pulled her tightly against his body and wrapped his arms around her. “We don’t have to be sleeping for me to hold you.”