Bang Gang (45 page)

Yeah, they’d heard us alright.

Darren didn’t even seem to notice, just clambered out after me and lit up a cigarette. We didn’t speak as we made our way back across the field, smiles bright as we rejoined the others. We sat apart, like everything was just the same, even though it wasn’t.

Nothing felt the same.

I couldn’t drink any more wine, just poured myself a glass of water instead. My belly felt unsettled, and I felt so old because of it, too old to be drinking like I was a teenager anymore.

I called it a night soon after, my eyes lingering on Darren’s as he held up a hand and said he’d see me in the morning.

Oh God, how I wanted him to stay with me.

I climbed into my sleeping bag and my toes were like ice. It took ages to warm up and as soon as I had I was blasted with cold air as Tonya bumbled her way through the tent. She crawled into a sleeping bag at my side.

“Shit,” she said. “I kissed Buck.”

I laughed, and it felt so funny, so right that other boundaries were being blown open in this place.

“Was it like kissing your brother?”

“No,” she said. “And if it was, then I’m an incest convert. It was pretty hot.” She groaned. “I’m going to be hanging like shit in the morning, drank way too much.”

I knew the feeling, even though I’d hardly had any. I felt so sick. Really sick.

Maybe this time really was a dodgy hotdog.

“What now?” I said. “Where’s it going?”

She sighed. “Jeez, Jo, I dunno. He was probably drunk.
I’m
drunk.”

“Would you want to do it again?”

“Wouldn’t say no.”

I couldn’t stop smiling. “I told Darren I loved him,” I whispered.

I heard her roll towards me. “No shit!”

“Yeah. I really did.”

“And what did he say?”

“He said it back.”

She gasped and hiccupped at the same time, threw her hand to her mouth, eyes like saucers. “You’re fucking kidding me?”

I shook my head, my grin hurting my face. “Scout’s honour,” I said.

“Oh, Jo,” she took hold of my hand. “And you smell of sex. Dirty mare.”

I felt my cheeks burning in the dim light, felt Darren still inside me. Then we both burst into giggles. She hugged me and I hugged her back.

“Tell me,” she said, “I’m all ears.”

But my tummy rolled and I fought back the urge to puke. “I’m really pooped,” I said. “Feel a bit sick. I need to sleep.”

“Cop out.”

“For real,” I said. “I feel like shit.”

“Yeah yeah,” she said. “Goodnight then, lovergirl.”

“Night night, brother-lover.”

I laughed as she jabbed me in the arm.

Darren helped us pack up the tent, giving Ruby a running commentary on the results from yesterday’s racing as he did it. I kept busy, but I was still hanging, the sickness in my belly was worse, and I’d actually thrown up first thing, managing to hold it back until I’d reached a hedge at safe distance.

No more drinking for me, ever.

Darren slapped the side of the car as we pulled away, and I beeped the horn as we drove out of sight. Ruby was in good spirits, but Mia and Daisy were sombre. I’d already told them I’d have to be reporting back to Daisy’s mum. That had gone down like a lead balloon.

We dropped Tonya first, and she grabbed her case with a groan. Seems she was feeling as bad as I was.

I kept things brief with Daisy’s mum, gave her the lowdown without too much drama. She tutted and scowled and told Daisy she should have known better than to be so stupid, and that her privileges of being
independent
were revoked well and truly.

It was gone lunchtime when we got home. I dumped the tent in the garage and dragged the bags indoors, but left them there, a chaotic pile in the hallway. I just couldn’t face any more of it.

Nanna was happy enough, reading the Sunday paper like we’d never even gone. She’d had fun, she said. Fresh meat to watch
Question King
with. It seemed she’d had easily as good a time as we’d had.

I wasn’t expecting the rumble of a truck outside, but Darren came round not long after we settled down for the afternoon.

He gave no explanation, and I didn’t ask, just welcomed him in like this was an everyday occurrence. I put the kettle on and told him we were having chicken and chips for tea.

“Sounds good,” he said.

I got on with it, leaving him chatting away to Nanna and the girls in the living room, but he joined me soon after. He took the peeler from me and got to work on the potatoes, making a messy job of it that was very much appreciated nonetheless.

“You alright?” he said. “You look washed out.”

“Tonya snores,” I said. “And I can’t drink anymore.”

“Thirty.” He smirked. “It’s the big birthday approaching. You’ll have to be teetotal from now on.”

“Seriously feels that way,” I said.

I sipped at my water and took a seat at the kitchen table, and he carried on peeling, flashing me an occasional glance over his shoulder.

“About last night,” he said. “Did you, um, did you mean it like?”

My cheeks prickled. “I… um…”
Yes, I meant it.
“Yeah… I guess I did…”

“Righto,” he said.

I could have smacked him over the head with Nanna’s newspaper if I had the energy.

I waited but he didn’t say anything else.

“And you?” I prompted. “Did you, um… mean it?”

“Yeah,” he said. He dropped the last of the potatoes in the bowl. “I guess I did.” He sat down at the table alongside me. “We need to work this out, Jo. I don’t know what the fuck’s going on like.”

I sighed. “Me neither.”

“I just don’t wanna get it wrong.”

“Me neither.”

“Alright,” he said. “So we talk, yeah?”

I nodded. “Yeah, we talk.” I looked into the hallway, it was clear. “When the kids are in bed.”

He tipped his head. “Good, yeah.”

It seemed to take fucking forever for the kids to go to bed.

Dinner time seemed more chaotic than usual, but it was probably just down to me feeling off. Mia had homework she’d mysteriously forgotten about through the half-term break, and Ruby was on a mission to watch a film instead of
Question King.
Nanna took some convincing. I told her she’d have to watch the re-run on
catch up
, and she relented enough to settle down to watch Ruby’s choice with the rest of us.

Considering it was Ruby’s choice she didn’t last long into it. Too little sleep, for both girls, they were both flaked out on Darren’s shoulders by halfway through.

When they were clearly out for the count, and Nanna was dozing in her chair, I flicked the TV to standby.

I nudged Mia gently and told her to make her way to bed. She moved on autopilot, giving us token hugs before she disappeared upstairs.

Darren lifted Ruby from the sofa and carried her up to bed. I followed and stood in the doorway to watch him, loving how tenderly he lowered her onto her mattress and tucked her in.

I was as pooped as they were, I told him so.

“I’ll go then,” he said. “We’ll do it another time, no bother.”

I reached out for his hand as he made his way towards the stairs. He stopped, stared at me, eyes widening as I led him along the landing to my bedroom door.

I’d have fucked him if I’d had the energy, but all I could
do was ditch my clothes and slip into bed.

He undressed without words and climbed in beside me, and he was tense, nervous. It was unlike him.

“What is it?” I said.

“Just this…” he replied. “It’s just… weird.”

“Bad weird?”

He pulled me close, and I felt him shake his head. “No, not bad weird.”

We lay there for ages, wrapped up together. His fingers stroked my hair, his shoulder so solid under my cheek. Just like old times.

I drifted in and out of sleep, but every time I moved he was right there, awake.

I guess he didn’t sleep at all.

I heard Nanna climb upstairs and head into her room. I heard the neighbour’s car pull up after her late night pub shift. I knew the time must be getting on by the time Darren nudged me from half-sleep.

“Am I staying, Jo?”

I mumbled something incoherent.

“I mean it,” he said. “If I fall asleep then this is for keeps. The girls… if I stay, they’ll…”

“They’ll know,” I said, suddenly wide awake.

He nodded. “This has to be for real, Jo. We have to be sure.”

“I know,” I said. “For the girls.”

And for us
.

He said nothing, just stroked my hair. The words were crammed in my head.
What about Bang Gangs? What about Stacey’s ring in your drawer? Do you really love me, Darren, or are you saying it because you want to come home to your girls every night?

“So?” he said. “Am I going or what?”

“We’ve so much to talk about…” I said. “There’s so much to work out…”

He sighed. “Righto.”

He kissed my head before he left me. I felt so horribly bereft that I pulled my knees to my chest, listening in horror to him pull his jeans on and buckle the belt. He sat on the bed, reached out and squeezed my arm. “Don’t get up,” he said. “I’ll let myself out.”

“This isn’t a no, Darren, it’s a we need to talk first.”

He didn’t say anything.

“Get some rest, Jodie, you look fucking spent.”

I nodded, even though he probably couldn’t see me. “Night, Darren,” I said.

“Night, Jo.”

It took me less than a minute to change my mind and rush onto the landing to call him back.

But he was already gone.

I listened to his truck pull away from the drive and knew I never wanted to hear that sound again.

Not the sound of him leaving us.

I wanted him back home for good.

I spent Monday morning throwing up, thanking the hangover for the fact I had a legitimate reason to avoid
ladies who lunch
.