Backfire (25 page)

Michael pulled his wallet from a pocket in his turnouts and skimmed through the few pictures he had stuck in it.  There was one that he always carried with him of his dad, Casey, and him.  They were so young.  He estimated that it was a few years before their father had died.  They were out in the street playing football and their mom snapped the picture.  He considered it a form of luck to keep it with him.  A lot of good it had done him. 

He stopped on a picture of Eva.  It was a few months old, taken at one of the fire department dinners that the city held occasionally.  She was dressed up in a black dress and her hair fell loosely around her face.  The half smile on her lips made her appear that she was annoyed at having her picture taken, but was complying.  For as beautiful of a woman that she was, it always made Michael wonder why she always shied away from the camera.  Smiling, he turned the photograph over, forgetting that she had scribbled a short note to him.

To my Michael.  You are my heart.  I love you more than you could ever imagine, Eva.

A tear dripped from his nose, splattering on the ink.  He wiped the moisture away with his index finger and debated on whether or not to write a note back.  It wouldn’t do any good.  By the time they found his body it would all be burned up.  He put the wallet back in his pocket and studied his surroundings.  He was so tired and confused.  He finished off the small amount of water in the canteen that Trevor had left him.  He was beginning to lose the battle with his body.  All of this time it had warned him to get sleep and he decided to finally give in. Maybe he would be unconscious when the fire finally got to him.  Maybe he actually wouldn’t suffer through it all.  Was it true that people suffocated to death before dying from the actual fire?  Was that why he was tired?  He was slowly asphyxiating on the toxic air? 

Before losing full consciousness, Michael was able to ratt
le off The Lord’s Prayer and then
his world around him went black.

***

Eva was mad at everyone.  People were stopping by her apartment as if Michael’s funeral had taken place already.  They were showing up with containers full of food and gifts that she didn’t even ask for.  It got to the point that whenever someone buzzed her apartment, she didn’t answer.  She was glad Betty was there to help her with ushering people out. At least Betty could handle the formalities.  And to think, she was dealing with the possibility of losing her oldest son.  How could she do it?

Betty smiled at Eva, but she could tell it was forced.  The older woman patted her leg and handed her a glass of water.  “Everyone’s just trying to be nice, Eva.”

“I can’t take their kindness anymore. It’s like they can’t wait to get him in the ground faster.”  Tears fell down her face fast and she had given up any hope to try and not show her emotions.  “I just don’t know what to do, Betty.  What do I do? And please, don’t say pray. For God sakes, please don’t say that.”  She was a firm believer in praying when needing help, but it’s all she had heard all day from everyone and she couldn’t take it any longer.

Betty sat beside her on the couch and didn’t respond right off.  Tears welled up in her eyes as well and Eva suddenly felt guilty for lashing out at the one person who had stuck by her side through it all.  To make it worse, a woman who had every right to lose control more than she had. 

“I’m sorry, Betty,” Eva whispered, unable to make contact with her. 

“No need to apologize, hon.  I understand why you’re upset.”

“So what do we do?” 

Betty bit her bottom lip as her attempt to stay strong slowly faded.  It was the most Eva had ever seen her cry.  “We just gotta keep the faith in believing he’s alive.  Until they can show us proof that he’s gone, or until more time passes, there’s still a chance he’s alive. Right now it is all assumptions, Eva.  You have to keep telling yourself that to push through.”

Eva closed her eyes and felt more warmth stream down her face.  “You make it sound so easy.”

“Until we get closure, I’m going to believe that my boy is okay.  Right now where we are sitting, it’s really the only thing we can do.  I won’t hand you any more cliché lines about pushing through hard times.  You’ve heard them enough.  But at the same time, don’t forget them.  As stupid and redundant as they sound, most are true.”

Eva pulled Betty into a tight hug.  “I love him so much.”  Each word came out between whimpers and her body shuddered.  “I can’t lose him.” She wondered if Betty lost control when her husband died.  With how strong she was acting, it was almost impossible to imagine Betty breaking down like she had.

“I love him a lot too, Eva.  And I’m sure he knows that.”

The buzzing of the intercom echoed throughout the room, jolting Eva out of Betty’s caring embrace.  Wiping her lower eyelids with her index fingers, her sadness transitioned to anger.  “Damn it, who could it be now?”

“Take the hospitality while you can, Eva, even if you’re at your breaking point.”

Composing herself, Eva pushed the button to see who was down at their stoop, wishing that she could just disappear from all of this. 

***

“Michael?
Hey Michael, can you hear me?
McGinnis?”

The voice he heard seemed far away and was echoing.  He felt numb and was unable to move much.  Who was yelling for him?  Where was he?  Why was it so hard to breathe? 

“Mikey?”

He tried his hardest to answer back, but his body wouldn’t respond at all.  What was going on?  Opening his eyes, it felt like thousands of nails were being hammered through his skull.  He could see people over him, but couldn’t tell who they were.  Had he died?

“He’s not responding, but he’s got a pulse. It’s weak and his breathing is labored. We need to get a move on now.  The fire is right on us and I’m not sure how long he’s gonna last.”

Michael could hear everyone and could make out their conversations, but still could not interact with them himself.  Frustration boiled within him.  He wanted to sit up and say he was fine.  He wanted to walk out of hell on his own.  Why weren’t his legs doing what his brain was telling them to?  It was like he was stuck in quick sand. 

“Wha?” His own voice was loud to his ears. He had intended on asking what was going on. At least he got some noise to escape from his throat. 

“McGinnis, it’s me, Lawton.  I got you some help and we’re gonna get you out of here, okay?  It’s not too far from here and we’re gonna have to carry you out on a gurney.  Are you with me?”

A sense of relief flooded over Michael.  Just the sound of Lawton’s voice relaxed him.  “Uhh,” was all he could force out before someone else applied an air mask over his face.  His gut reaction was to pull it off.  He didn’t want to hog it. 

A hand quickly pushed his arm back. “Keep it on, McGinnis.”

Too tired to fight, he nodded his head.  He felt people working over him, all in a rush.  He felt his body lift off of the ground.  He was being jostled around, but it didn’t matter.  He was so tired that he was oblivious to the majority of what was going on around him.  He caught bits and pieces of the conversation and again, his vision went black. 

***

Casey didn’t want to be left alone.  After his near use situation, it was like he was on the edge, ready to fall off at any change in routine.  That was the great thing about having sponsors and roommates. They were all there for instances just like this.  It felt as if he was being babysat, and in the midst of reality, that’s exactly what was happening.  They were there to make sure he didn’t have another lapse in judgment and escape again. 

Time was passing so slowly.  He wanted to go back to New York to be with his mother.  There was no telling what she was going through.  He had even suggested getting a leave from the program to go make sure things were going okay, but it was very frowned upon among all of the counselor and administrators of Austin Recovery. 

“I really wanna get back up to New York,” Casey said, repeating it several times to his assigned sponsor for the night. “I’m not doing any good here.”

“You might not feel like you’re doing good, but you are.  New York is shaky ground for you right now.  Your old stomping ground isn’t a good idea, especially with everything going on with you.”

Casey gritted his teeth and tried not to get angrier.  “What did you say your name was again?”  He had never really interacted with the guy, but had seen him around the center. 

“Josh.”

“Well, Josh, how could you know anything about what’s going on?  I don’t even know you. Now that my brother is gone, I’m all that my mom has.  What good am I to her down here in Austin?”

Josh leaned back in the chair and clasped his hands together.  “What good are you to her if you go back to New York and relapse? Think about it, Casey.”

Casey nodded and stared out of the window.  The man had a point, but he surely wasn’t going to admit that out loud to him.  Another question arose.  “What if they have a funeral for Mikey?  Would I be allowed to leave then? That would be bullshit if I missed my own brother’s funeral.”

Josh pointed his finger at Casey. “Don’t jump to conclusions before the scenario actually occurs.  Tonight we need to focus on getting you past this sudden, extreme urge to go out and use.” 

Casey sat on the edge of the bed and raked his hand through his hair.  “I’m not gonna use, damn it.  If I were, I would’ve done it today when I was out on my walk.  News flash, Josh.  I passed the drug test.” What he was saying wasn’t true.  If Josh left him unattended, he wasn’t sure what would happen.  He just hated feeling so vulnerable and helpless, especially in the presence of someone he really didn’t know. 

“You think I’m that stupid?” Josh asked as he laughed.  “You think that this whole drug recovery thing is new to me?  I’ve been doing this a long time.  You’re unstable.  And you know what?  You have every right to be.  I’m not judging you for this.  The news of something like this would make even a non addict want to go out and get totally shit faced.”

Casey was thrown off by his honesty, but respected it. “Are you trying to make me feel better, because if so, you totally suck at it.”

“I’m being truthful.  All I ask in return is that you be truthful too.”

Casey leaned against the wall.  All of the emotions and drama had drained him.  The best thing he could do right now was sleep.  It would keep him out of trouble and let him escape from reality for a while.  The only problem was, with all of the worry and concern on his mind, sleep would be next to impossible. 

“Wanna know something funny” Casey asked, trying to feel the silent void in the room.

“Sure.”

“There was this time back when Mikey and I were kids.  He was like fifteen and I was almost twelve. It was about a year after our dad had passed away and we were all still trying to adjust. Anyway, that’s beside the point.” He waved his hand, unsure of why he was suddenly opening up to Josh.  “We had just gotten out of school and were walking home.  I had this bully that always picked on me.  He was older than even Mikey was. I wanna say he was a junior in high school.  One time Mikey got fed up with it all and beat the shit out of the bully. Chased him down right in the middle of the street and just went crazy on him.  And I kid you not. He probably outweighed Mikey by like twenty-five pounds.  Sent the kid to the ER and everything.” 

Josh laughed.  “Yeah? Sounds kinda like what happened on
A Christmas Story
with Ralphie.”

Casey shook his head yes and smiled.  “Yeah, it does.  The point of that, I guess, was just for me to point out how tough my big brother was… is. Hell, I don’t know whether I should use past or present tense right now.”  He stopped talking to try to keep himself from crying.  “He’s always had my back. Always.”

“Use present tense.  Nothing is certain yet, Casey. And thinking about all of those memories is good.  That’s beneficial for you.”

He ducked his head and avoided eye contact with his sponsor.  Thinking about all of the childhood memories and things they had been through only made him want to get his hands on a substance so he could numb all of the bad feelings.  At least the conversation was passing the time, and each minute that passed was a minute that he wasn’t using.

***

Since Michael had been declared missing, Eva was finding it hard to sleep.  Tonight was no different, so she complied with Betty in taking a sleeping pill to help.  Part of her anger and horrible moods were heightened by her lack of rest.  Betty had given her the Melatonin around nine PM and left around nine thirty.  She had to get back home and take care of some things, but assured Eva that she would be back in the morning to help out with more visitors, if any should stop by.

Eva decided to stay on the couch.  The bedroom was the sharpest reminder of Mikey.  It didn’t really matter where she was in the apartment, her mind was constantly on him, but for some reason, the bedroom was the worst.  She snuggled up under a blanket and kept the TV on low as she dozed off, finally allowing her mind to slow down for a bit.  She relaxed into the cushions and felt herself drift off.

A loud buzz snuck into her vague dream.  It continued and only got louder the more she ignored it.  Finally awakening, she realized it was the intercom going out of control.  Glancing at her cell phone, she took note that it was a little after midnight.  It felt like she had just dozed off right after Betty had left earlier in the evening.