Backfire (11 page)

Michael
laugh
ed
as he looked around the room.  It was amazing to see the differences in how they handled things, but the similarities were almost spot on.  The bunker gear wasn’t much different.  The space for the trucks seemed smaller, but then again, it was likely
that
they didn’t have ladder trucks.  “No, we don’t get too many wildfire calls up there.”

“Yeah, it’s interesting how there are differences in the way to fight the fires, but it all stems down to the same exact thing.” Lieutenant Harlan hung up some turnouts and sighed.  “Like I said, we’re always looking for help.  If you’re interested, here’s the stations card.” He handed Michael a card with all of their contact information on it.  “Even if you just wanted to do a ride along for a day or something, we’d
be more than happy to let you
.”

Michael tucked the card in his wallet.  “I really don’t know a thing about this type of stuff.  I’d probably be setting you guys back more than helping you.”  He had always wanted to learn more and broaden his experience, but now that he saw how bad things were, he was scared they wouldn’t even have time to show him the basics.  On the other side of the coin, he really did want to help. 

“We’ll put you through some quick training.  We have firefighter trainees out there right now working the Bastrop fire.  We’re seriously in that much need of manpower.” He patted Michael’s shoulder.  “We appreciate you stopping by.  I’m sure your time here in Texas is probably limited, so no pressure.  Just want you to know that if you decide you want to see what it’s all about, the door is open. It’s been a lifelong dream of mine to see how FDNY is operated, so it would be the least I could do to allow it for you guys.”

Michael shook his hand.  “Thanks for the offer. I’ll think about it, Lieutenant.”

***

             
Eva noticed on the drive back to the rehab facility that Michael wasn’t all that talkative.  In fact, ever since their session with Todd, he had been quiet and answered questions with one word answers.  His body language alone spoke louder than words.

She adjusted her seat belt and debated on whether or not to say anything, but his silence was worrying her and she wanted to know exactly what was going on with him.  She couldn’t blame him for being upset about everything they had talked about.  She just felt if he got things off of his chest it could be beneficial.

“Everything okay, Mikey?”  She eyed him from the passenger side of the car, hoping to be able to gauge his reaction. 

His fingers tightened around the steering wheel.  “I’m fine.”  He didn’t look at her as he concentrated on the highway. 

“You seriously thinking about doing a ride along with them?”

Glancing at her, he groaned deep in his throat. “Don’t exactly have enough time, do we?  Between counseling sessions I didn’t sign up for and meeting sex crazed women, I don’t guess I would even have time to think to do a ride along.”  His tone was sharp and for a split second, Eva thought about yelling back at him for acting like an asshole.  Instead, she didn’t respond right off, allowing the low murmur of the radio take over. It was obvious that he was still fuming from yesterday, just as she had suspected. 

“I understand that you are upset about yesterday, Mikey.  You just have to keep in mind that it was very helpful for Casey.  And today, neither he nor your Mom seemed too mad about it.  It was stuff that was better being brought up to the surface.” 

“I don’t care if it didn’t bother them.  It bothers me.”  She noticed that the car was speeding up.  “I’ve known for years that I brought Casey to where he’s at and yesterday was my rude awakening. It was my epiphany.  Before then I just swept it under the rug, denying it.  Something about it all changed in that therapist’s office.”

Eva wasn’t sure what to say.  She couldn’t say that she knew what he was going through because she had never experienced a
ny
thing like this in her family.  She had an older brother who joined the military right out of high school and stayed in for a career.  She rarely saw him now, and when she did, it was for holidays.  “I think yesterday was a huge leap in the right direction. That’s what I think.”  She was hoping it would calm him down. He was now speeding.

There was a rest area ahead and Michael finally slowed down as he pulled into t
he lane to stop.  It
was lined with some bluebonnets and had a map of Texas with a few historical markers next to it.  He put the car in park and turned to her, his brow creased.

“It’s easy for you to think that, Eva.  It’s easy for anyone to think that stuff when they aren’t sitting here where I am, feeling all of the guilt that I do everyday when I think about all of the bullshit Casey and my mother have been through.  Yesterday was like the confirmation that yes, I’m the one who started it all.”

“But you got better.  It’s not your fault that it’s taking Casey longer.”  She hated seeing the pain in his eyes.  She reached out and clasped her fingers in his.  His palms were warm and clammy.

“You just don’t get it, Eva.  You’re not getting it.” He shook his head.

“Enlighten me then, Mikey.  Help me understand.” Cars on the highway whizzed by, all of them appearing to travel faster than the seventy mile per hour speed limit. 

“I am Casey’s big brother.  I should have never led him to drugs and addiction in the first place.  Yeah, I got better and he is taking longer, but it never should have happened at all.  I failed him in that regard, so really, what recently happened with Viper was something I think I deserved.”

Eva swallowed and fought hard not to cry.  She felt tears gather in the corners of her eyes and blinked them back, feeling the sting crawl up her face.  “I think you’re wrong, Mikey.  I hope one day you’ll realize that you’ve been a damn good brother.  We’ve all made mistakes and what is important is that you’ve gotten better and didn’t continue to make them.  That’s what matters, whether you believe that or not.” She prodded her finger into his chest, feeling angry and sad all at once.  “I hate that you allow all of this to sit so heavily on you.  No one deserves that. No one.”

Michael stared at her with a scowl on his lips, and then checked the traffic in his mirrors as he reached for the gearshift.  “I’d love to be able to stay down here and help these guys out.  I just don’t think it’s a reality.  But to answer your question earlier, yeah, I’m really thinking about it.  We had people come help us during nine eleven.  While this isn’t near the caliber that it was, they still need more help than I ever thought before actually seeing it with my own eyes. I’d love to be able to give back somehow.” 

He merged the car back in to traffic, and the change of subject was abrupt, but not surprising to Eva. This was how Mikey got when he had a lot of things on his mind.  The things he talked about changed as if someone were controlling him with the remote control to a TV.  She had mixed feelings about him helping out with the fires down here, but it wasn’t her place to say that.

“If you feel that’s what you need to do, then go for it Mikey.  I won’t stand in your way.”

***

“You two have fun doing more exploring?” Casey asked as they all sat by the pool.  The sun was so hot out that even the swimming pool water felt warm.  Michael felt as if he were in an oven, and with the thin haze of smoke overhead, his lungs weren’t enjoying it much either.  He leaned back in the lawn chair and put his shades on, feeling the sun broil his bare chest, questioning his own sanity as to why he was out in the afternoon heat.

“Yeah. Stopped by the firehouse over in Manor.  I know you mentioned the fires and shit on the phone, but damn man, you realize that the entire city of Bastrop is being threatened?”

“It wasn’t that bad until just recently.  It just sparked up quickly,” Casey replied as he put more sunscreen on his face.  A big blob of white was caked on the bridge of his nose.

“And here we are, sitting by the pool,” Michael muttered, feeling horrible about taking time like this when so many were out there suffering. 

“Don’t sweat it, Mikey.  You’ve busted your ass and deserve a little mini vacay!” Casey tossed him the sunscreen bottle and Michael caught it right before it hit him in the face.  Sitting up, he watched Eva as she walked to the end of the diving board, admiring how her body looked in her swimsuit.  He had treated her like crap earlier when all she was just trying to be supportive.  He didn’t take his eyes off of her as she dove into the water.  It looked refreshing.

“All of those people out there working to protect these towns around here deserve some time too, Casey.  You don’t get it, and that’s fine.”  He put the sunscreen down and dove in the water, meeting Eva on the opposite end.  Even though the water was warm, it was better than where he was sitting two seconds ago.

He walked toward her, pinning her body against the wall of the pool.  Leaning in, he pecked her on the lips as his arm wrapped around her lower back.  “I’m sorry about what happened in the car today.”

“It’s okay, but please just know that yeah, I might come from a pretty sheltered life, but I can still be here for you.”

“I know that.  I won’t do that again.”

“You better not.” She tried to dunk him but he caught her off guard and flipped her over his shoulder, laughing as she let out a small yelp before being engulfed in the water.  He tried to force himself to have fun, but all his mind would allow him to think about was what Lieutenant Harlan had to say about manpower.  Eva finally swam up to the surface, but her grin dissipated.

“What’s wrong?”

“This just doesn’t feel right, Eva.”

She arched her eyebrow. “What?”

“We’re having fun here at the pool when I could be out there, helping out.”  He grabbed the ladder and pulled himself out of the water.  “I think I’m done swimming for today.”  He pulled his towel around him, suddenly feeling the urge to be alone.  He had some thinking to do, with no one around to ramble their unwanted opinions at him. 

“Mikey! Where are you going?”

He didn’t answer because he didn’t even know where he was going.

Chapter Eight

Michael went back to his room and took a quick shower.  The warm water stung against his sunburned skin.  So many thoughts raced through his mind.  He wanted to help out with the fire departments here, but at the same time, didn’t want to neglect his own.  Even his boss wasn’t expecting him back, so were they really hurting for manpower as bad as everyone down here was?

Stepping out of the shower, he inspected his face in the mirror.  His cheeks and nose were red from swimming for so long.  Maybe he should have caked on the sunscreen like Casey.  Ridiculous or not, at least his brother wouldn’t look like a lobster. 

He took a long glance at himself, not liking the person who was staring back at him.  When did he become so negative?  Why was he suddenly acting like he had the biggest sob story in the world?  God bless Eva for taking the brunt of it all.  If someone treated him the way he had Eva, he would’ve been long gone.  Seeing the fires and misfortune that many people in Texas were going through really put it all into perspective for him.  Even though he had seen his fair share of bad luck, extreme fires, and horrible emergency situations, Michael couldn’t even fathom the idea of having to evacuate his own home, leave all of his stuff behind, only with a small shred of hope in returning to it still standing.  And here he was, fretting over things in the past that could never be changed. 

After toweling off and getting dressed, he sat on the edge of the bed and stared at the blank TV.  Would FDNY really hurt if he took a leave of absence?  In his personnel file it had been suggested that he do just that.  Would it be okay if it were to help out another fire department?

“Mikey, you worried me when you just up and left the pool.  Are you alright?” Eva’s voice pulled him from his thoughts, and he felt the bed shift as she sat beside him.

“Just thinking about some stuff.”

“About the ride along?” She had a towel draped over her shoulders and her hair was damp and wavy. 

He nodded and kissed the back of her hand.  “Sort of.  I don’t want to just do a ride along.  I kinda wanna…” Michael trailed off and began pacing at the foot of the bed.  “I kinda wanna help out.  Maybe possibly stay down here for a while.  At least until they get control over some stuff.”  

Eva arched her eyebrow and adjusted the towel.  “But hon, that could take a long time.”

Sighing, he finally sat down next to her again.  “I know.  I just feel like back up in New York it’s like everyone is walking on eggshells with me.  No one wanted me to come back to work yet, so I don’t really feel that they are going to hurt much from me being gone.  Down here it seems like I’d be more beneficial.
Maybe this is a way I can cope with the PTSD bull crap.
”  He tried reading Eva’s body language.  She kept eye contact with him, but her face was blank with emotion.  “Nothing to say on the matter?”

She cleared her throat.  “Well, I can tell you’ve put a lot of thought into it by how you’ve been acting since we talked to the Lieutenant.  You sure you’d be ready to take on this type of firefighting without any experience in it?”

“That’s a good question,” Michael replied.  “It’s one of the many things I’ve been mulling over.  Honestly though, I think I could learn it.  We are always teamed up and don’t split up.  There are tons of guys out there, learning as they go.  Why wouldn’t I be able to?”