Ava XOX (6 page)

DEAR DIARY,

When Pip came home, I asked about her date, and she said it went great. I said, “
Date
and
great
rhyme.”

She ignored me and said, “But I'm starting to get really worried about the assembly.”

“What do you mean?”

“Do you think Tanya and I should pick a different artist?”

“Why?”

“Well, when Maybelle saw our
Mona Lisa
, she laughed. Remember?”

“She didn't
mean
to be
mean
,” I said, defending my best friend.

“I know, but maybe I should email Señor Sánchez and say we want to switch.”

I thought about all the time Pip and Tanya had put into their project. “You already worked pretty hard on Botero.”

“I know.”

“And it's normal to be nervous, right?”

“I guess.”

“It'll go great,” I said because I was trying to be supportive.

“I hope so.”

And I hoped I was giving her good advice.

AVA, ADVISING

DEAR DIARY,

I just put the bubblemint gum in the drawer of my bedside table and I felt really happy. But then I started wondering if Chuck bought me the gum at the same time as he bought Kelli the dino card. And if he did, which did he buy first?

Or let me put it this way: Why did he go to the store? Did he go to buy Kelli a card or to buy me the gum? Was one of us an
afterthought
?

AVA, AFTERTHOUGHT?

DEAR DIARY,

I've been thinking about the Aesop fable “The Fox and the Stork”:

A fox invites a stork for dinner. The stork arrives hungry, and the fox sets out a yummy broth in a shallow dish. The fox laps it up, but all the stork can do is moisten the tip of his long bill. The fox says, “What's the matter? Did I make it too spicy?” The stork says no and invites the fox to come to his house. The following week, the fox sees that the stork has prepared a tasty fish soup, which he serves in a tall jar with a narrow neck. The stork eats it cheerfully, but all the fox can do is sniff it. So this time the fox is the one who goes home hungry.

The moral? “Beware of neighbors who play tricks.”

I don't think Kelli was
tricking
us with the limbo party. But then again, I can't imagine inviting the whole grade over to play Boggle or do word scrambles or have a spelling bee. Just because you are good at something doesn't mean you should be a show-off about it!

Speaking of neighbors, the twins, Carmen and Lucia, who live next door and are in fourth grade, invited Pip and me over. We decided to dress in the same color since that's what
they
always do. (We picked green.) Pip is taking her Spanish homework with her so she can ask them a question. Funny that the twins can be homework helpers in Spanish even though they're years younger. Their parents are from Peru and always speak with them in
español
. I wonder if they'll think it's funny that we “copied” them by dressing in the same color.

AVA (AND AESOP)

DEAR DIARY,

When Carmen and Lucia answered their door, they were wearing green too, so we took selfies of all four of us in matching
verde
(that's green in
españo
l
). Then the twins did something immature. They stuck tennis balls under their shirts so it would look like they had B-O-O-Bs. Lucia said she knows a secret code where A=B and B=C and C=D, and if you write out the whole alphabet that way, our mom's name, ANNA, spells something inappropriate.

“What?” I asked.

“BOOB!” Lucia answered and cracked up. I laughed too. I couldn't help it.

One fun thing about hanging out with the twins is that we can all act silly sometimes. I mean, fifth grade can be very serious.

Back home, in Pip's room, I picked up Otto, the stuffed orange fish that stays on her pillow, and pointed out that OTTO inside out is TOOT.

Pip said, “
Inside out?
Ava, that's nuts.”

I said, “NUTS backward is STUN.”

Pip said, “Stop!”

I said, “POTS.”

Pip said, “I'm not in the mood!”

I said, “DOOM.”

Pip said, “Leave!”

I wanted to say, “EVIL,” but that's not how you spell “leave” backward, so I just stuck out my tongue and left. I'd wanted to ask Pip for some big-sister advice, but I could tell she was not in the MOOD.

BWB (THAT'S AVA IN CODE)

PS If you decode DIVDL, guess what you get?

DEAR DIARY,

Since there was no school today, I asked Dad if we could take a holiday from Meatless Mondays.

He said no. He says he likes having a weekly excuse to come up with a new vegetarian dish, and besides, Americans eat too much meat, and we should all eat more plants and nuts. I was going to say, “
That's
nuts,” but I didn't.

Instead I helped Dad slice the cauliflower, onions, and Brussels sprouts, and toss them into a bowl with salt, pepper, olive oil, and a spice called cumin. Then we put the vegetables on a cookie sheet and roasted them in a very hot oven until they were practically burned up.

Maybe I was starving, but to tell you the truth (T-T-Y-T-T), dinner tasted way better than it looked. It was actually pretty good. If it were a P-O-P quiz, I'd give it an 85.

While Dad and I were cooking and Taco was sleeping in a block of sunshine, I told Dad that in FLASH, Ms. Sickle said that one out of
three
American kids is overweight or obese, and that this was “dangerous” because obesity is linked with serious health issues. Dad said that it takes a lot of money and time to make salads and good-for-you dinners, “whereas fast food places are everywhere and you can buy junk food in every convenience store.”

“You mean junk food is almost
too
convenient?”

“Exactly.”

He also said even most juices have too much sugar in them, but supermarkets are not really in business to provide people with “healthful food”—they're in business to make money.

“I never thought of it that way,” I admitted.

AVA, NAIVE?

PS Dad also told me a funny sentence. Ready?

“You can tune a piano but you can't tunafish.” Hehe.

PPS It's weird that Brussels sprouts has a capital B. I mean, you don't write “Lima beans,” and Lima is a city too. (There's a Lima in Peru and in Ohio.)

DEAR DIARY,

Last night I looked online for more tips for Tanya. There's a lot of dumb stuff about miracle pills that can help you drop twenty pounds in a week (which doesn't sound safe or possible). And sites that say that eating bacon can reverse diabetes (which can't be true).

But there are also good suggestions. Like: “When you go to the movies, order a small bag of popcorn, not a tub.” And: “Don't weigh yourself every day.” And: “Avoid late-night snacks.”

All the experts say to eat less and exercise more and that vegetables are good for you (and not just on Monday).

Bea would say that common sense is good for you—and not just on Monday!

Anyway, I worked on the tips and wrote some rhymes, and when I went to bed, I was cold, so I kept my socks on. Taco jumped up and joined me. I should have left him well enough alone, but I tried to get him to go inside the covers, and he ran away. And after that, he wouldn't come back at all.

This made me think of a metaphor: feelings are like cats. You can't always control them.

Example: I never meant for my best guy friend to become my hush-hush crush, but that's what happened.

AVA, WITH CONFUSING FEELINGS

PS I want to ask Maybelle or Pip or even Dad or Mom about this, but I feel a little bad about liking someone else's boyfriend.

PPS Then again, I don't feel thaaaat bad. Should I feel worse? Or should I feel bad about not feeling thaaaat bad??

DEAR DIARY,

Last night after dinner, Pip practiced her Botero talk once for Mom and twice for her mirror. She's obviously anxious. The presentation is seventh period, so on the way to school, I let her practice it again for me.

Now I'm in the library. Two eighth graders, Rorie and Valeria, are at the next table. I know who they are because Valeria is in choir and Rorie is the one who is big and scary and friends with Loudmouth Lacey.

Both girls are staring at their cell phones, and Rorie just said, “Did you like the photo?”

Valeria said, “Not really.”

Rorie said, “
Hello!
I don't care if you
like
it. I want you to
Like
it!”

Valeria mumbled, “Oh. Okay. I Liked it.”

“What about this one?” Rorie said. “Should I post it?”

Valeria said, “Sure.”

Rorie said, “You'd tell me if I looked fat, right?”

Valeria looked too afraid to tell Rorie anything, but she nodded.

Rorie said, “Okay. It's posted. Now Like it.”

Valeria touched her screen.

Rorie said, “Last night when I posted the picture of all of us, everybody Liked it
except
you.”

Val searched in her cell phone. “This picture?”

Rorie sneered. “Duh.”

Valeria said, “Okay. I just Liked it.”

“About time!” Rorie glanced over and saw
me
! She gave me a nasty glare and said, “What are you staring at?”

“Nothing,” I mumbled. I could feel her eyes burning a hole in my head, so I went back to writing in you and decided not to even look up at all until they both left…

Which they…

finally…

finally…

did.

Confession: I'm glad I'm not on Facebook or Instagram or anything. Face-to-face life is hard enough! Plus, my neck would hurt if I looked down at my phone all day.

I “Like” that when I write in you, it's just for me.

AVA, EAVESDROPPER

DEAR DIARY,

Brace yourself.

Remember how I told Pip her presentation would go great?

It did
not
go great!

It went
terribly
!

The entire middle school filed into the auditorium, and I sat in the third row between Maybelle and Zara. I was right behind Kelli, who walked in front of a bunch of people so she could scoot in next to Chuck. I was tempted to say something about the silvery sequins on her headband, but I didn't. (I may
think
rude things, but I rarely say them out loud. And yes, I know I sometimes
write
mean things in you, but that's different, because I'm the only one who ever sees them.)

Anyway, the seventh-grade French students went first. Two by two, they talked about artists and showed their homemade posters and other paintings
.
We saw kids by Renoir, lilies by Monet, and a circus made of dots by Seurat.

Next, two boys talked about Manet and showed a painting called
Luncheon on the Grass
. Well, that made everyone laugh. Why? Because it was of people on a picnic, and one of the women was totally naked. And that's the
naked
truth! (Get it?) I was shocked that the teachers let us see this, but maybe some art is supposed to be shocking?

I also noticed that MONET and MANET are spelled the same except for one little vowel.

After the French teacher said, “
Merci
,” the Spanish students took their turn.

Isabel and Nadifa showed a poster of melting clocks based on a Salvador Dalí painting. Bea and another girl showed a poster of a deer with a woman's face based on a Frida Kahlo painting. Two boys showed a poster of Aesop (looking old and tired) based on a painting by Velázquez.

Finally it was Pip and Tanya's turn. Pip talked too quietly into the microphone, but last fall, she would not have been able to talk in public at all, so I was proud of her. She was talking about Botero's life and saying he was born in Colombia and lived in lots of countries and got married three times.

Tanya went next, and her job was to talk about Botero's
art
. And everything was going fine until they showed their poster and some of Botero's famous paintings.

Maybe by then, everyone had been sitting for too long. Or maybe people thought it was okay to laugh because they'd laughed at Manet's picnic painting. Or maybe middle school kids just aren't good at being mature. (
I'm
not that good at being mature.)

Anyway, when the fifth, sixth, seventh, and eighth graders saw Pip and Tanya's chubby
Mona Lisa
and Botero's chubby
Mona Lisa
, chubby king, chubby dancer, chubby bullfighter, chubby cat, and chubby dog, they burst out laughing. They didn't even try to hold it in.

What really got them was Botero's painting of a naked lady from behind. You could see her…
behin
d
! And it was
jiggly
!

It didn't help that Tanya was going on and on about Botero's “passion” for “volume and proportion and corpulence.”

One boy yelled, “Just say it. He likes FAT PEOPLE!”

“And BIG FAT BUTTS!” another boy added.

A third boy made piggy sounds and said softly, “Like yours!”

I couldn't believe he said that!

A fourth shouted, “WIGGLE WIGGLE WIGGLE!” which is a line from an annoying but catchy song.

Everyone started
losing
it! Everyone except Pip and Tanya. They just stood there
frozen
.

Should Señor Sánchez have seen this coming? He
is
the teacher. But it's his first year. And what was he supposed to have said? “Tanya, given your size, perhaps you shouldn't present Botero”? He
couldn't
say that, could he? If he had, her mom might have called the school to complain—or sue! I guess he could have
removed
Botero's name from the hat, but would it be right if
nobody
at Misty Oaks School ever got to learn about Botero?

Should
I
have seen this coming? I now realize that Pip was right to have worried, and I was wrong to have encouraged her not to switch artists. I was trying to be nice, but would it have been better if I'd kept my big mouth shut?

While Pip and Tanya stood there mute, more and more kids were laughing. Not Maybelle or Chuck. But it makes my blood boil to report that even though Kelli was in the second row, she was giggling. She was also elbowing Chuck, and I heard her whisper, “Tanya could
model
for Botero! Wiggle wiggle wiggle!” Chuck didn't answer, but here's the awful part: Tanya heard every word.

Her eyes got shiny, and I could tell Pip had no idea what to do. Fortunately, Señor Sánchez raced onto the stage and nudged Pip and Tanya to the right. Then he turned to us and said, “
¡Basta!
Enough! Presenters,
muchas gracias
. Students, please exit in a quiet orderly fashion and report to your eighth-period class. Now! Now!!” His eyes flashed with rage.

Tanya was trying to hold back tears. And she was doing pretty well. But then all of a sudden, she wasn't. She was crying—just
crying
. It was like she was having a mini breakdown.

I was glad they were off to the side, but to be honest, it wasn't the quietest mini breakdown anyone had ever had, and I felt terrible for her, because I think a lot of other kids heard her too.

Pip was talking to Tanya—probably trying to convince her that people were laughing at the
paintings
, not at
them
.

But Tanya wasn't buying it, I could tell.

She was hurt.

No. Worse.

She was
devastated
.

AVA, ANGRY AND ANGUISHED