A Tiger in Eden (10 page)
It’s not like we were getting on great or nothing. He was wanting to dip his wick into as many local girls as possible whereas I’d lost the appetite for that sort of thing with just about anyone. We’d shacked up in this shithole of a place in Prachuap which was basically a town with a couple of aul beaches on that dead thin strip of land right in the middle of Thailand not far from Burma really, though why any fucker would want to go there is beyond me. I was getting impatient with all this stopping and starting and I was thinking the best thing to do would just be to scoot right on up to the Bangkok where at least there’d be civilisation of some sort. I needed some company that wasn’t French for a change though I was learning loads of good words, I wasn’t bad at picking up the aul languages. I think maybe I missed my calling as a translator at the United Nations for yon fella Boutros Boutros-Ghali.
The room we had at the guesthouse was basically a big fucking cupboard and there was only one bed with an aul manky mattress, the locals must of thought we were arse bandits or something not that it would’ve bothered them ‘cos when we went for a walk down the main street there was loads of trannies doing the rounds and cooing at us. Olly thought it was dead funny until I pointed out that the only fannies he’d be looking up round here would probably be knobs sliced down the middle and turned inside
out. He didn’t like the sound of that but all the same he took some wee slip of a thing that was hanging around the guesthouse out for a drink somewheres. I mean she looked like a woman to me, she’d no big Adam’s apple protruding or broad shoulders or chiselled jaw line like yer man Judge Dredd in the comics, but sure you’ve no way of telling till you’ve got a mouthful of ball sack and if you get that far sure you might as well go the whole hog and admit you’re not bothered.
Anyway he was off on his hot date and after wandering round the docks for a bit getting wolf whistles from tons of ladyboys I headed on back to the room to read my book, sure Olly had got me a copy of this wee book called
The Outsider
by some French cunt, he said it was brilliant. I wasn’t sure at first but it didn’t take me long getting into it, yer man Camus knew what he was on about, sure it was like he knew what I was thinking. My life wandering about with no fucking purpose not even thinking about what I was doing or where I was going next was just like in some of them books, Kerouac and them ones, that’s what made me think maybe I should write it all down one day if I was banged up in the Maze or the Bangkok Hilton or somewhere, it might not be written as nice or nothing ‘cos I’m no good with words but you never know some cunt might want to read it if they’re bored as fuck on an aul long bus trip or something.
There was no sink or bog in the room, not even an aul squat toilet but then we were on the first floor so it’s
a bit of a long drop for your shite I suppose, anyway I wandered downstairs to wash my face in the sink and I left the door to the room open. I wasn’t worried ‘cos I could see the bottom of the stairs from the toilet, I’m dead paranoid but for good fucking reason. Sure enough it only took ten seconds for this cunt to appear out of nowhere and run up the stairs, he must of been watching me and thought I went out for a bit or was taking a dump. He took the stairs three at a time and hardly made a sound, just as well I seen him from where I was standing just inside the bathroom otherwise I would of been clueless, he was like a fucking ninja or something.
I waited for about ten seconds to give him plenty of time to get into the room and then quiet as you like I padded up the stairs after him. I had my shirt off ‘cos I was sweating, in fact all I was wearing was a pair of aul Y-fronts that’d seen better days but I was about three times his size. Butterflies started up in my guts at the thought of bursting someone especially an aul thief, sure there’s nothing worse.
When I got to the door of the room I could see him inside with his back to me and he was going through this aul leather bumbag that Olly usually carried on him, it had his passport and his bank cards and a load of money in there, the thief must of thought this was his lucky day. He was so absorbed in what he was doing he didn’t hear me coming up behind him.
I just stood there leaning on the door jamb casual as you like with my arms crossed watching him, there was
no way he was getting past me and no other way out of the room unless he smashed the window and jumped out into the alleyway but it was a bit of a drop like. He thought about taking stuff out of Olly’s bumbag and then decided against it and just threw the whole thing over his shoulder, smart move, that’s what I would of done if I was a piece-of-shit dumb cunt too. He started eyeing off my backpack and took a step towards it, greedy cunt I thought, you deserve everything I’m going to give to ye.
Bout ye, I says, I’m from pest control. I hear there’s a wee vermin problem. The cunt near jumped out of his skin. He threw Olly’s bumbag down on the floor and took one step toward me then thought the better of it and stepped back, he was looking all round the room for a way out but he must of known he was trapped. I just stood there waiting for him to work it out. No trouble no trouble, he says, I just checking room make sure you okay, he was agitated as fuck as you would be like seeing a big cunt like me standing over ye and knowing you were going to get a right aul hiding.
I like a bit of verbal sparring before getting stuck into someone just to see what they come up with. I wasn’t expecting much from this one but I thought I’d give him a chance all the same, sure I felt a wee tiny bit sorry for him, not much like but you know it’s a dangerous profession he’d chosen.
So explain to me what you’re doing exactly, I goes, you could see his mind racing at the thought he might just be able to talk his way out of the situation if only
he could find the right words.
I work for hotel, he says, not stealing come to check see if you okay when I see door open I think you forget and better take valuables put in safe to stop thief very bad, you be more careful sir lot of thief here.
Not bad, I was thinking. That’s very kind of you looking after your guests like that, I goes, I’ve never seen such excellent service, what’s your name pal I’m going to say something to the manager and recommend you get a pay rise. He was a bit confused by this, it was kinda cruel really, sure I was just toying with him. Not necessary sir, he says, part of service happy to help I love
farang
, where you from England very great country Manchester United Eric Cantona.
I put my fingers up to my lips and made like to zip them closed, he shut the fuck up then. You were doing all right there, I says to him, until you got to the bit at the end, sure I fucking hate Man United that’s a Fenian team and I’m a Liverpool man, you just insulted me big time. I was just rolling the muscles in my neck ready for a bursting when I hear Olly coming up the stairs behind me muttering to himself.
Just in time, I goes, sure we’ve got a guest, how’d your date go, did she have a big knob? Olly looks at me confused then he sees yer man quaking in his boots next to the bed.
I didn’t know you went both ways, he goes, do you want me to give you two lovebirds fifteen minutes?
I laughed then and pointed to Olly’s bumbag lying on
the ground. He put two and two together pretty quick, you have to hand it to him he was sharp as a tack our Olly.
Oh I see, he says, nice as you like with a big smile, that sort of guest, well don’t be so rude Billy close the door and let’s make him welcome. The whole time he was cracking his knuckles, the Thai fella pissed himself when I shut the door. I knew ‘cos it was that familiar aul smell of fear, it took me right back so it did.
Olly wasn’t too keen on splashing out on one of them luxury air-conditioned coaches but I insisted like, even if we were going to freeze our nuts off. Sure I was sick of the aul local buses, they were dead hot and if you didn’t have any food on ye you were fucked, they’d pick these scrawny fuckers up by the side of the road and they’d walk down the bus with a big stick over their shoulder with all these wee plastic bags hanging off of it. I don’t know what was inside, sure it looked like sick or something, loads of wee bits floating around in there but they were selling it anyway and the locals always snapped it up and sucked it down with an aul straw. Near turned my stomach so it did but sure if you’re starving you’ll eat anything. I was worried about getting a dose of the runs, it’s not like there’s service stations with lovely pristine
toilets every ten miles it’s more a case of squirting out your lunch in a festy ditch with all the people on the bus watching ye. Best avoided really.
Under duress the Frenchman agreed to take a flash coach up to the Bangkok, it was good so it was, sure they had TV screens and everything and they showed a film
The Nutty Professor
with yer man Eddie Murphy in a fatsuit. I overheard one of the backpackers on the bus saying fuck me that hasn’t even come out yet in Europe, I suppose the Thais had a pirate tape of it or something, that seems to be their way. It was a load of aul shite but my eyes were glued to the screen sure I hadn’t seen a film in about six months, it’s funny how quick you forget about the so-called civilised world when you’re hiding out on some wee island doing nothing but shagging backpackers and eating green chicken curry and getting hammered on Chang.
There was a couple of all-right-looking western girls on the bus, I heard a Scottish accent and even an American one, sure you don’t see many of them ones they mustn’t travel or something. Olly wasn’t interested of course, too much trouble for him having to act like he gave a fuck. I wasn’t fussed either to be honest, I was too busy getting my jollies with all the wee comforts like a flush toilet and a seat that didn’t smell like someone’s armpit.
Olly had run out of batteries for his Walkman and sure mine had gone the way of the dodo after the ants got to it. I’d have to buy me a new one in the Bangkok
or maybe splash out on a CD one except I’d no CDs but that would be easy remedied by a trip to the Khao San Road, sure you could buy anything you wanted there and even some stuff you didn’t realise you wanted yet. There was nothing else for it but for me and the Frenchman to have a yarn.
Do ye ‘member, I says, yon time your pals in Algeria who got us those guns wanted six cars as payment instead of cash that was weird wasn’t it, whatever happened to them?
Olly grinned then and sat up straight, Yusuf and his crew, yeah I remember we had some good times down in Marseille me and him but fuck he was mad you know he had eight sisters in Chlef not a pretty one amongst them and he was always trying to find them husbands, fucking hell he offered me twenty kilos of hash just to take one off his hands.
Pimping his sisters out that’s charming that is, we could never work out what he wanted the cars for with all the money they had could they not just buy their own cars, they wanted dead specific makes too not even that good.
They were for his sisters, I think. He didn’t want them to have BMWs that would draw too much attention.
Right, I says, that makes sense but still what did he want cars from us for unless maybe they’d be harder to trace or something.
Yeah maybe, Olly goes, I don’t know, I didn’t ask too many questions, I’ll tell you what though they were
a bitch to get over there without arousing suspicion, I had to rent a shipping container and bribe about a dozen customs officials it cost me a fortune and I had to use up a couple of favours, it was easier getting the guns to you boys.
Aye well I suppose nobody says boo if they see an army truck driving around with a bunch of Armalites in the back but half a dozen Ford Fiestas are a bit harder to disguise like. Is Yusuf and them ones still in business?
Well he got shot in the leg and the last time I saw him he was on crutches but I didn’t use him after that, the fucking cops were all over him for the turf war in Marseille, it was a bad scene and I didn’t want it to lead back to me. He’s either dead or in jail now I suppose.
Aye most of our ones are as well. Same for me too if I hadn’t come out here.
Olly just nods. I’ve been meaning to ask you, he says, why are you out here anyway, I mean with me it’s just a case of avoiding debts basically and saving my own skin it’s not like I’m on the ten-most-wanted list but you and your crew up there well don’t tell me anything I can’t deny in court later but you had a civil war going on, correct me if I’m wrong.
Aye, I laughs, thinking it’s not very funny what the fuck are you laughing for, that’s just a front though, I says.
Oh come on, he goes, you’re just saying that because I’m Catholic, tell the truth, Billy, everyone knows it’s a religious war between your boys and ours it’s all over the news.
Oh aye? I says. You tell me what it’s about then.
He was a bit defensive then, like I’d offended him or something.
Well, he goes, all slow and careful, as far as I know the Catholic minority want a united Ireland so the IRA are fighting to get the English to leave but your side wants to stay part of the UK. That’s about the size of it,
non?
Nice and simple isn’t it, I goes, and maybe that’s how it was at the start a long fucking time ago but let me burst your bubble here by telling ye a wee story. Every fortnight me, my brother Mark and my boss Big Jim Gallagher would have a meet at a nice wee café down the city centre, cappuccino and a caramel slice sort of thing. You know who would join us? Three lads from the other side of the wall, this dead funny cunt called Liam, I loved him so I did he was great craic, Declan was another one, he was the muscle like me so he never said much, I always wondered if I could take him but never found out, and the third one was their boss man Shay, he was the brains fuck he was smart just like Big Jim sure the two of them got on like nobody’s business. They’d both been to Queen’s University when they were younger sure that’s where they met.