29 - Monster Blood III (4 page)

In the corner, Dogface let out a loud hiccup.

“See how you’ve upset the dog?” Kermit’s mom called to Evan. “You’ve given
poor Dogface the hiccups!”

“But—but—” Evan sputtered again.

As Evan struggled to find words to defend himself, Kermit and his mom
disappeared up the stairs.

Two hours later, Andy and Evan wearily headed for home.

“What a mess,” Evan moaned. “Look at me. I’m covered in chemicals.”

“Two hours,” Andy muttered. “Two hours to clean up the basement. And Dogface
stood there watching us, hiccupping the whole time.”

“Kermit is such a little creep,” Evan said, kicking a stone across the
sidewalk.

Andy shook her head bitterly. “Do you have any more cousins like him?”

“No,” Evan replied. “Kermit is one of a kind.”

“He’s such a little liar,” Andy said.

“Hey—you stuck up for him,” Evan accused. “You said he was a genius,
remember? You were so happy that he did your math problems for you, you thought he was
wonderful.”

Andy shifted her backpack onto her other shoulder. A smile crossed her face.
“I forgot all about the math problems,” she said. “Kermit may be a little creep—but he’s also a genius. I’m going to get an A in math!” She let out a happy
cheer.

“Winners never cheat, and cheaters never win,” Evan muttered.

Andy gave him a playful shove. “Did you just make that up? It’s very catchy.”

“Give me a break,” Evan growled. He turned and made his way up his driveway
without saying good-bye.

Andy called him two nights later. “Your cousin Kermit is a total creep!” She
shouted so loudly, Evan had to hold his phone away from his ear.

“Do you know what he did? Do you know what he did?” Andy shrieked.

“No. What?” Evan asked softly.

“He did all the math equations wrong,” Andy cried.

“Excuse me?” Evan wasn’t sure he heard correctly. “The genius got everything
wrong?”

“On purpose!” Andy declared. “He got them wrong on purpose. He made up
answers for all of them! He didn’t even read the problems. He just wrote down
stupid answers.”

“But why?” Evan demanded.

“Why? Why? Because he’s Kermit!” Andy screamed.

Evan swallowed hard. Poor Andy, he thought. Now she will fail in math.

“What a mean, rotten trick!” Andy shrieked into the phone. “Mrs. McGrady
called me up to her desk and asked me to explain my answers. She asked me how I
could possibly be so totally off on every single equation.”

Andy sighed bitterly. “Of course I couldn’t answer her. I just stood there
with my mouth open. I think I drooled on her desk!”

“After we left his house, Kermit probably laughed his head off,” Evan said.

“That brat has such a sick sense of humor,” Andy wailed. “We have to pay him
back, Evan. We really have to.”

“Yeah. We do,” Evan agreed.

“We have to get out the Monster Blood,” Andy urged. “We have to use the
Monster Blood to pay him back.”

“Yeah. We do,” Evan agreed.

Evan called Andy back later that night. “I changed my mind,” he said. “I
don’t want to use the Monster Blood.”

“What’s your problem?” Andy demanded. “Kermit deserves it. You know he
does.”

“Monster Blood is too dangerous,” Evan told her. “It turned Cuddles the
hamster into a giant, roaring monster. I don’t want to turn Kermit into a giant,
roaring monster.”

“Neither do I!” Andy exclaimed. “I don’t want to
feed
it to him, Evan.
I just want to slip a tiny bit into one of his mixtures. He thinks he’s so smart
and can do anything. I want to see Kermit’s face when his mixture goes berserk!”

She laughed gleefully.

What an evil laugh, Evan thought.

“It’ll be awesome!” Andy exclaimed.

“Forget about it,” Evan insisted. “I have nightmares about Monster Blood
almost every night. I don’t want to see that stuff again, Andy. I really don’t. Leave it locked
up—please!”

“But you
said
we could do it!” Andy pleaded.

“I made a mistake,” Evan told her. “Don’t take it out of the closet, Andy.
Leave it safe and sound in its can—okay?”

Andy didn’t reply.

“Okay?” Evan demanded. “Okay?”

“Okay,” Andy finally agreed.

“We’re going to play outside today, Kermit,” Evan said firmly. “It’s a
beautiful day, and we’re going to go out and not stay in the stupid basement.
Get it?”

It was a sunny, warm Thursday afternoon. Golden sunlight filtered down
through the dust-covered basement windows up near the ceiling.

Standing behind his lab table, arranging his jars and bottles of chemicals,
Kermit muttered something to himself.

“No argument,” Andy added. “We’re going outside even if Evan and I have to
drag you out.”

“But I have a mixture I want to try,” Kermit whined.

“You need some sunshine,” Evan told him. “Look how pale you are. You look
just like a white mouse.”

Kermit was wearing a huge olive-colored T-shirt over baggy brown shorts. With
his white-blond hair, beady eyes, and buck teeth, he looked more like a rat in human
clothes.

He frowned, hurt by Evan’s description.

“Okay. I’ll go outside with you,” he murmured unhappily.

“Yaay!” Andy whooped. It was the first time Kermit had ever agreed to leave
his basement lab.

“But first I have to have a drink,” Kermit said. He stepped out from behind
the lab table and made his way toward the basement stairs. “You want an orange
soda?”

“Yeah. Sure,” Evan replied. He and Andy followed Kermit up the stairs to the
kitchen.

“I can’t believe he agreed to go out and play,” Andy whispered. “Do you think
he’s sick or something?”

“Maybe he feels bad about the mean tricks he’s pulled,” Evan whispered.

The kitchen phone rang. Evan answered it. It was the wrong number.

He hung up the phone. He and Andy stepped up to the counter. Andy was wearing
pink jeans, a yellow sleeveless T-shirt, and bright orange high-tops.

Kermit had already poured out three glasses of orange soda. The soda was the
same color as Andy’s high-tops, Evan noticed. They all drank the soda down
quickly.

“I was really thirsty,” Kermit said. Evan didn’t pay any attention to the
strange smile on Kermit’s face. After all, Kermit
always
had a strange smile on his face.

“This orange soda is very sweet,” Andy commented. She made a face. “Too
sweet! It makes my teeth itch!”

Kermit laughed. “I think it’s good,” he said.

They set their glasses down in the sink and stepped out the back door. Evan
found a red Frisbee on the back stoop. He flipped it to Andy.

Andy trotted across the backyard and flipped it back to Evan. “Let’s play
keep-away from Kermit!” she cried.

“Hey—no way!” Kermit protested. “Toss it to me!”

Andy sent the Frisbee flying over Kermit’s head to Evan. Kermit made a wild
grab for it, but it sailed out of his reach. It hit Evan’s hands, but Evan
dropped it.

Andy started to laugh.

“What’s so funny?” Evan demanded.

Andy shrugged. “I don’t know.” She let out another giggle.

Evan flipped the Frisbee to Kermit. It bounced off Kermit’s chest.

This kid is a real klutz, Evan thought. It’s because he never plays sports.
He never comes up out of his basement.

Andy uttered a high-pitched laugh.

Evan started to laugh, too.

Kermit picked up the Frisbee. He tried to toss it to Andy, but the Frisbee sailed way over her head. It hit the side of the
garage and bounced off.

Evan and Andy both laughed harder.

Evan trotted over to the garage. He sent a sidearm toss toward Andy. She
missed, and the Frisbee flew into the low hedges at the side of the yard.

Andy didn’t chase after it. She was laughing too hard.

Evan laughed even harder. Tears ran down his cheeks.

What’s happening to me? he wondered, suddenly feeling frightened.

Why can’t I stop laughing? What’s going on?

Kermit grinned at both of them.
That
grin!

Evan laughed even harder. So hard, his stomach hurt.

Something is wrong, Evan realized. Something is terribly wrong.

“K-Kermit—why are we l-laughing?” he stammered.

Andy wiped tears from her eyes. She held her sides and laughed some more.

“Why are we laughing?” Evan demanded.

“I gave you my laughing mixture,” Kermit told them. “I put it in the orange
soda.”

Evan tossed back his head and laughed. Andy giggled so hard, she choked. But
she kept on laughing.

This isn’t funny. This is scary, Evan thought. But he let out a shrill
giggle.

“How—how long are we going to laugh like this, Kermit?” Evan managed to
ask.

“Probably forever,” Kermit replied, flashing his famous toothy grin.

Evan took a deep breath and tried to hold it. But the laughter burst out of
him so hard, his chest ached.

Laughing giddily, Andy made a grab for Kermit.

Kermit ducked out of her reach and went scampering toward the fence at the
back of the yard.

Evan shook his head hard, trying to shake off the effect of the laughter
potion. But it didn’t help. He laughed until tears rolled down his face.

Andy chased after Kermit, laughing shrilly.

Evan followed, gasping for breath. I can’t breathe, he realized. I’m laughing
so hard, I can’t breathe.

“K-Kermit—!” Evan choked out. “You’ve got to s-stop it!” A high giggle burst
out of his throat. “You’ve g-got to!”

“I don’t know how,” Kermit replied calmly.

Andy and Evan laughed in reply.

“It’s awesome—isn’t it!” Kermit declared happily. “The mixture works
perfectly!”

Andy made a grab for Kermit’s throat.

Again, Kermit ducked away.

Andy and Evan laughed a little harder.

Andy picked up the Frisbee and tried to heave it at Kermit. But she was
laughing too hard to control it. The Frisbee sailed over the fence.

“Hey—get that back. That’s mine!” Kermit demanded.

Evan and Andy laughed.

A familiar face popped up on the other side of the fence.

“Conan!” Kermit cried.

Conan peered first at Andy, then at Evan. “Are you looking at my yard?” he
asked Evan.

Evan struggled to hold it in. But he let out a high, shrill laugh.

“Didn’t I warn you last week about looking at my yard?” Conan demanded.

Evan laughed.

“Conan, give me back my Frisbee,” Kermit whined.

Conan leaped over the fence. Evan saw that he had the Frisbee in his left
hand. Conan quickly hid the Frisbee behind his back.

Andy and Evan laughed. Andy wiped tears from her eyes. Her whole body shook
with laughter.

“Give me back my Frisbee,” Kermit insisted.

Conan ignored him. “What’s so funny?” he asked Andy and Evan. He balled his
right hand into a fist.

Andy giggled.

If we keep laughing, he’ll pound us! Evan realized. But he couldn’t help
himself. He let out a loud belly laugh.

“Hey—I want my Frisbee!” Kermit whined.

“I don’t have your Frisbee,” Conan lied, keeping his left hand behind his
back.

Evan tossed his head back and laughed.

“Yes, you do. It’s behind your back,” Kermit said. “Give it back, Conan.”

“Who’s going to make me?” Conan demanded in a low, menacing voice.

Evan let out a high giggle. Andy laughed, too.

“They are!” Kermit replied to Conan. “They’re going to make you!” He turned
to Evan. “Make Conan give back my Frisbee.”

Evan laughed in reply.

“What’s so funny?” Conan asked again.

Andy shook her head. “Nothing. Nothing’s funny,” she choked. Then she burst
out laughing.

“I don’t like people laughing at me,” Conan said.

This is horrible!
Evan thought. One more laugh—and Conan could explode!

Evan let out a long hyena laugh.

“I really go ballistic when people laugh at me,” Conan warned.

Evan and Andy laughed some more.

“I have to
hurt
people who laugh at me,” Conan threatened.

Evan and Andy laughed in reply.

Conan turned to Kermit. “Why are they laughing like that?”

Kermit shrugged. “Beats me. I guess they think you’re funny.”

“Oh, is that right?” Conan shouted angrily, turning back to Evan and Andy.
“You two think
I’m funny
?”

Evan and Andy held their sides and laughed.

“Give me my Frisbee!” Kermit shouted.

“Okay. Go chase it.” Conan flung the Frisbee across the hedges. It sailed
over two yards and disappeared in a clump of evergreen shrubs.

Kermit went running after it.

Conan scowled at Evan and Andy. “I’m going to count to three,” he growled.
“And if you don’t stop laughing by the count of three, I’ll
make
you
stop!” He raised both fists to show them
how
he would make them stop.

“One…” Conan said.

Evan laughed. Andy pressed her hand over mouth, but couldn’t stop a giggle
from escaping.

“Two…” Conan counted, his face twisted in anger.

I’ve
got
to stop laughing! Evan told himself. I’m in serious trouble
here. Serious.

He opened his mouth, and a booming “Hahahahaha!” burst out.

Andy had
both
hands pressed over her mouth. But it didn’t stop the
snickers and guffaws from pouring out her nose.

Kermit came jogging back into the backyard. “I can’t find the Frisbee,” he
complained. “Somebody has to help me. I can’t find it anywhere.”

Conan turned to him. “You
sure
you don’t know why they’re laughing
like that?” he asked.

Kermit shook his head. “They told me they think you’re funny-looking,” he
told Conan. “I guess that’s why they’re laughing.”

I don’t believe this! Evan thought, so angry he wanted to explode. That
little creep! How can he do this to us?