Authors: Noel Merczel
“DO IT, BITCH!” Lisa screeched, shaking her beer bottle in Drew’s direction which caused the foamy liquid to splatter onto the
tile floor. “OR I’LL SHAVE OFF EVERY HAIR ON YOUR BODY!”
"Hey, Lisa! Try to stay in control!" I warn
ed
. "My dad said no parties."
Immediately, Andrea wished she
hadn't said that.
She sounded like a paranoid thirteen year old
.
"It's just that my dad is so super strict," she added lamely.
”
OOOO, POOR BABY!" Lisa cried out in a fake sympathetic tone
.
Even in the dim basement light, Lisa could
see Lisa puffing out her already puffy lips, attempting to imitate a sexy pout.
Duck lips. Trout pout.
Andrea despised that look; a favorite of so many girls on her
Facebook page.
"C'mon, Andy. You're
eighteen!" Patty said, siding with Lisa as
usual.
"You can stop acting like a little kid now, ya know."
"She acts like a little kid because she still looks like one," Lisa said, popping off the top of yet another Leinenkugel
.
Suddenly, Lisa stood perfectly still, attempting to arrange her puffy mouth into a thoughtful line.
"Do you think that's true?" she asked, addressing the girls with curious bloodshot
eyes. "That people act the way they look?"
"Oh my GAWD, look who's getting all philosophical here!" Drew cried, followed by a huge hiccup.
"My aunt Theresa is the crankiest bitch on earth," Lisa continued
. "And she has this hideous face that just goes into a big giant frown."
Patty laughed hystericall
y at that.
Andrea thought that Patty sounded like a demented hyena when she laughed, but she politely kept that thought to herself.
"No, I'm serious!" Lisa said
. "Even when she's smiling, which isn't very often, it still looks like she has a frown on her face.
All I'm saying, is maybe that's why she's so damn bitchy all the time. I mean, I would be, if I looked like that."
"Actually, that is a very insightful question," Drew remarked
.
Drew was always one to give credit where credit was
due.
That was just the sort of person she was.
"I mean, I look sort of geeky..." Drew offered.
"And you go to those Cosplay events dressed like Batgirl!" Lisa exclaimed triumphantly
. "See? I told you. It's true! Drew loves Batman...Drew loves Batman...."
"God, who sounds immature now?" Andrea asked, rolling her eyes.
"I do think Batman's sort of sexy," Drew admitted
. "Much sexier than Superman or Spiderman. I mean, he has the cave and the ears.....I still think Michael Keaton was the best Batman..."
"Spoken like a true geek," Lisa said, sounding like she was already bored with the subject
.
"You mean, I look young for my age, so that's why I act young?" Andrea asked, folding her arms over her
chest.
"That's exactly what I mean, babes!" Lisa exclaimed
. "Plus I think you make it a point to open your eyes super wide...trying to look
dumb and innocent, like a lil’ ole country gal!"
"That's ridiculous!" Andrea scoffed.
“Yea, really Lisa...”Drew said
. “What is your problem?”
Andrea was so over being told she looked young for her age....
usually by Lisa, with a nasty tone in her voice.
She couldn't help the way she looked
, okay?
Maybe she did have a
round face with big eyes.
Was that her fault?
Lisa was really pretty and she knew
it. So
Andrea couldn't help but wonder why Lisa felt the need
to put her down constantly.
She also couldn't understand why Lisa felt it necessary to call her dumb.
That
was a low blow.
After all, they'd been friends for years, with a history of birthday parties and clubs and trick or treating and summer camp, and one year, in sixth grade, Lisa even accompanied Andrea's family to Wisconsin for vacation.
Besides, in Andrea's opinion, she was
ten times more intelligent than Lisa. After all,
she had goals
. Real goals. Not some pie-in-the-sky dream of becoming a super
model.
Andrea was planning on going to college and getting her degree so she could
get a job as an art teacher.
Not only would she earn a great salary, she would also be encouraging young minds to be creative...not to mention, getting the whole summer off.
Now how
smart was that?
"Why are you such a goody-goody?" Lisa demanded, flopping down on the couch next to Andrea
.
Lisa rubbed Andrea's hair, deliberately messing it
up. Then she
lifted the electric blue pillow off the giant stain and plopped it down on top of Andrea's head.
"What a beautiful hat," Lisa sighed.
"Cut it out!" Andrea whined, immediately wishing she hadn’t.
Andrea took the blue pillow off her head and carefully placed it back over the stain
. Then
she smoothed her hair down while glaring at Lisa.
"Oh please!" Lisa huffed
. "Who are you kidding? We all know that stain is there
.
The question is, what caused it?"
Lisa finished off her bottle of Leinenkugel and slammed it down on the scuffed table, yet another Salvation Army purchase
.
"Sex, of course!" Patty declared
. "That stain was caused by
Andrea's parents during a mad passionate lovemaking session!"
"Oh my God, I feel sick," Andrea moaned.
Just the thought of
her parents having sex really did make Andrea feel sick. Nobod
y wants to think of his or her
parents having sex.
“The stain was there when we bought it, you weirdo," Andrea said.
"I think my eczema's coming back!" Patty suddenly announced,
flipping on the light switch and staring at herself in her compact. "My skin is so itchy
."
"You just have really sensitive skin," Andrea told her friend, which was
true.
Patty’s skin was always getting
mysterious red blotches all over it.
"Maybe you should use that hypo-allergenic foundation."
"I do. It doesn't help," Patty sa
id
. "Oh wait a minute. It's not eczema, after all. Just a dumb old mosquito bite. Damn, it's fucking huge
!
Like it
could win a contest! I had a dream about a mosquito bite like this once...."
"TURN THAT LIGHT OFF!" Lisa ordered
. "I CAN'T SEE THE GLOW STICKS THIS WAY!"
The girls were all wearing their glow bracelets and glow necklaces from Maybelline’s.
"Your parents make marijuana juice, Andy?" Patty asked, inspecting a bottle of E-juice from the counter. "Is that legal?"
"LET ME SEE!" Drew cried, bouncing over to where Patty was standing. "It says Mary Jane, and has a picture of some hot woman posing in a giant marijuana plant.
Ew gross, did you dad pick this picture?"
"Oh brother," Andrea said,
inwardly groaning.
Once again, Andrea wished her parents could have a normal business.
Why E-juice? It d
idn't
seem like the proper product for people their age to be selling. It
was just so embarrassing.
”
It's not real marijuana," Andrea explained
. "It's just supposed to taste like it. It's dumb...like a novelty product. My dad thinks it'll appeal to hipsters."
"Do you ever smoke any of that stuff yourself?" Patty asked.
"You mean vape... not smoke," Andrea corrected
her. "It's water vapor. Sometimes I vape the zero nicotine, just to try out a flavor. But it's
kinda dumb, since I don't smoke any
way, you know? It's really more for people who want to quit cigarettes."
"What's your favorite flavor?" Drew inquired.
"Peach Ring is pretty good," Andrea answered, as Lisa marched dramatically over to where Patty and Drew were
standing.
Then she flipped off the light switch.
”
That's rude!" Drew cried.
"Let's play America's Next Top Model!" Lisa declared
. "Who wants to be Tyra?"
"ME! ME!"
Drew.hollered, twisting her super long fly-away tresses into a side ponytail.
“Hey, is that guy Nick still taking your pictures?” Patty asked Lisa.
“Yea, and he wants to poke me,” Lisa said with a giggle, like she liked
the idea. “He got a hard
-on the other day, out in the yard.”
“Ew!” Patty said, squishing up her wide flat nose
. “How old is he, like forty?”
“NO!” Lisa yelled
. “Maybe thirty…”
“Still gross,” Drew pointed
out. “I mean, he’s that old and still lives at home. Can you say
...
loser
? Okay,
excuse me folks.
I have to go be Tyra now.”
Drew pranced around the gray tile floor in an exaggerated cat-walk style.
"So ya wanna be ON TOP?" she purred, imitating the opening song from the
TV show.
Andrea couldn't help but smile at her friend
pretending to be Tyra Banks. Drew couldn't look more opposite than Tyra if she tried.
"Smile with your eyes, people!" Drew growled
. "I want you to look fierce!
Grrrrr!"
Drew clawed at the air while baring her teeth.
Lisa ran her hands down her body in a suggestive way.
"I wanna be on top!" she purred.
"Tell that to Nick!" Andrea exclaimed.
"Oooo, I wanna be on top!" Patty said, munching away
on a handful of Cheese Doodles.
"Put that snack food away!" Lisa admonished
her. "
Models don't eat that crap and you shouldn't either!"
Lisa took a big swig of yet another Linenkugal and burped.
"Oopsie," she said, swaying slightly.
"Models don't burp, either," Andrea reminded her.
"They probably do," Patty said
. "They probably do all sorts of disgusting things when no one's looking, like
fart and pick their nose....."
Patricia, put that snack food down!"
Lisa ordered again. "
Fluff up your hair! Get your model on! You too, fairy princess!"
Andrea sighed and stood up. She shook
her head, causing her long thick honey colored hair to bounce all around her
face. Okay, so maybe
she was doing that for Lisa’s benefit.
She caught Lisa tossing her hair an annoyed look
.
Andrea felt pleased about that for some reason, like she had won....won what, though, she wasn't sure.
Patty put
the bag of Cheese Doodles down. Then all three of
the girls assembled next to each other and stood expectantly in front of Drew.
"Did I mention that I saw a homeless woman behind Maybelline’s tonight?" Lisa suddenly asked.
"A real homeless person?" Andrea queried
. "How did you know she was homeless?"
"Because!" Lisa exclaimed
. "You could just tell
.
She looked all gross and ratty, and she was just wandering around back there, looking weird and drunk off her ass...."
"Ew," Patty commented.
"Yea, that's kind of disturbing," Andrea agreed
. "I didn't think this was that sort of town."
"I was once homeless, myself!" Drew declared, in an overly dramatic voice, transforming herself, once again,
into Tyra Banks. "But I overcame that! I gained strength and discovered my inner lioness! And you can too. Oh, yes! I know you can!
"
Now listen up! We're playing for a fantastic prize package this time! A life
time contract with Wilhemena Models....a seventy year contract with Cover Girl Make-up...."
Patty and Andrea giggled appropriately
. Lisa
just looked annoyed.
"A three year contract with Reptile Magazine...."
"Come on, Drew!" Lisa complained
. "Be serious."
"TYRA MAIL!" Patty shouted.
"YAY!" the girls screamed, imitating the would-be models on the show.
Lisa took a piece of printer paper off the computer desk and folded it
up. Then she unfold
ed the paper and pretended to read.
"For this challenge, you must channel your inner lioness…"
Lisa was interrupted by a super loud THUMP on the basement window.