I don’t know how long I drove or how I ended up where I did. This place was beautiful though. It was nothing but an open field. I stopped my car and climbed out. It smelled of baking wheat, a sweet nutty smell. I looked out and saw a man, an older man; he looked like Jace’s Dad. I walked toward him, but he disappeared. I saw a woman then; she looked like Jace’s Mom. I walked toward her and she disappeared too, just as I reached her. I walked to the middle of the field and just sat down, for some reason this was a comfort. I felt peaceful, angel spirits felt like they were surrounding me. I felt Jace’s presence. I thought I heard his voice on the wind, whispery,
“Just hold on, Lily, just hold on.”
I didn’t want to hold on. I wanted something to take me away, away from the hurt, away from the indescribable pain, away from existence.
Back home, they had sent search parties after me, but I didn’t know. The ones who found me were Dave and Ally. They saw my car off the side of the road, I was told later. I had fallen asleep in the middle of that field because I had not slept in three days. I guess I needed that sleep. I felt someone lift me and he was strong. It felt like Jace, but I was too out of it to know the truth, so in my state of mind at that moment that is who it was to me. I wrapped my arms around his neck and dreamed for weeks.
* * * * * * *
I didn’t fully wake up for several weeks; I guess you could say I was catatonic. My life had no meaning anymore. I must have eaten because I didn’t starve to death. Poor little Ally. Here I was supposed to be the big sister and had turned into the infant. Ally never left my side; she might have even been the one that made sure I ate or may have even fed me, I don’t know.
Dave would come by to check on me and Ally. Dave would come to my room and talk to me, just about things, nothing in particular; I really didn’t notice him except in a fog. I had never been in such a state before. I spent most of my days in bed, sleeping, because I didn’t know what else to do. Chelsea had come by to see me, but I didn’t know about it. Mom and Dad had withdrawn me from UM because they knew I could never go back there. Everywhere I would turn would be a memory of Jace. I still wore my engagement ring. In my state of mind, I still believed Jace was going to come back to marry me.
Dave had withdrawn from UM too, because he didn’t want to go back to the room that he and Jace shared. That was only part of the truth. He was going to pick up his classes for his senior year at UNA. Ally was supposed to start UNA too in a couple of weeks, as well as Dave’s little sisters. She was going to live in the dorms even though she didn’t want to live on campus, but Mom and Dad agreed that she needed to get away from the house that had become nothing but a mausoleum.
When it came time for Ally to go to college, I wanted to be there for her, so for the first time in several weeks, I came out of my room. Everyone was excited; they thought I had made a break through. Each. Step. Hurt. Each step jostled my heart until I thought it was going to turn to liquid and pour right out of my chest. I tried my best and I hoped my best was believable enough. Dave came and helped Ally and his sisters move in, they were in the same dorm. He saw me, but knew why I was there, so I could be there for Ally.
He made it a point to come speak to me though. He made conversation. “Well, hey Lil. It’s good to see you out.” All I could do was smile and nod, not feeling happiness that usually goes with a smile. I was trying, but the trying made everything hurt worse.
I kept myself calm; I wanted Ally to remember me as the sister that loved her, because I knew she loved me. I wrote her a recommendation letter for ADPi and let them know that she was a legacy and told them my chapter and University, I mailed it to the ADPi chapter there. She was going to go through rush with Dave’s sisters and a couple of her friends that had come from high school. We had her moved in and it was time for goodbyes. I had made some plans, so I knew this might be the last time I would see her.
I hugged her. “I love you, Ally.”
I think she knew. “I love you, Lily. I’ll see you when I come home in a couple of weeks.” Her look was pleading. It caught me off guard so I put my plans off, knowing I couldn’t do that to her right now. She had just left Connor and the loss of Jace affected her too. I couldn’t do that to my little sister. I rode back home with my mom and dad, with my head laid over against the cool window, eyes closed, silent in the back seat. They didn’t say anything to me either. I went back home and went back to my room and climbed in bed again. I had cried all my tears out I thought, but moving Ally in brought back a flood of the last year with Jace.
I curled up into a ball and let the pain have me. It was like receiving that horrible call all over again. Dave showed up, he wasn’t going to live on campus, so he didn’t have to move in. Mom and Dad let him in. I tried to keep my pain as silent as my tears, but Dave knew me, we had become best friends before Jace passed and part of that was still inside me somewhere, although the pain I was feeling at that moment had engulfed any ounce of happiness that I had left.
Dave walked into my room and kneeled at the side of the bed I was facing. “Lil . . ." He started smoothing my hair away from my face. “Lil, don’t do it. You’re my best friend, I can’t lose you too. Think about what Jace would do knowing you took your own life because of him. You can’t do that. Think about Ally. How would she feel when she came home one weekend and you were suddenly not here anymore. You can’t do that to her. She has stayed and nursed you and you would repay her by taking your life. That is not fair to her. Not to mention what it would do to your parents. Lily, don’t do it.”
I realize this is going to sound selfish and harsh, but I closed my eyes and didn’t want to hear anymore. He knew it. I turned away from him and turned off my emotions once more and with a kiss on my cheek, Dave left. He didn’t come back. Mom and Dad tried to get me to talk to someone, a shrink, a counselor. They even put me in the hospital for a couple of weeks. The doctor I had put me on some medication, like three different kinds, because I took three different pills every morning. Mom brought them to me before she left for work. Mom and Dad couldn’t stay with me, and Ally was at college. Dave was no longer coming around. That was August.
Ally had been accepted into ADPi; she had called me that week of Rush and told me with an edge of relief to her voice, because I had answered the phone. She came home the next week and she told me how much she was enjoying college. I tried to sound chipper. She told me about all the people she had met during Rush, and all the friends she had made, and that there were too many boys to count. September came and went. Everything kept getting worse.
Suddenly it was October. I was left alone and sunk deeper into the worst depression I had ever been in; I refused to take my ring off. It was the only thing I had left of him. Then I remembered his jacket. I moved off my bed and towards my closet. I remembered it smelled like him, but when I found it the only thing I could smell was my perfume.
Everything about him was gone with the wind. The title of my favorite book became like daggers stabbing me over and over. Jace was like a force that blew through my life and left me with unfathomable pain. I still had my ring and the lavaliere and at that moment I wanted to die. The pain was entirely too great for me to handle anymore. I wanted to be with him and the only way I knew how was to make myself be with him, forgetting that suicide is a coward’s way out and if he was in Heaven, which I could not believe otherwise, I would not be there with him. My mind wasn’t firing correctly though and God knew that. I prayed before I left. “Dear Lord, I’m coming home, please help me not be afraid and help me to know that my family will no longer suffer because of me. AMEN.”
I wrote Ally a letter and left it on her bed. She was coming home that day. She had made a ton of friends. I was glad for that. Maybe they could be to her what my friends had always been to me. Mom and Dad were at work. I left them a letter too. I climbed in my car and drove to this place I knew, rightly called Lover’s Leap. I used to not understand what drove people to commit suicide, but now I did.
It took a little while to get there. I parked and climbed out of my car and walked to the edge, but God heard my prayer and knew I one day wanted to be in Heaven and made sure I had a way to get there. I looked down over the edge; it was beautiful to see the city from there. Everyone that ever jumped from there saw that as their last sight before they took their lives and I was about to become one of the number. I stood on the flat shelf rock and spread my arms and just started leaning, feeling myself about to fall; from behind me I heard someone yelling and running—I didn’t care.
“LILY DON’T! DON’T DO IT!!” I stopped myself because that sounded just like Jace and then suddenly I was snatched back from the edge and fell to a crumpled heap on top of someone, and their touch felt just like Jace and their cologne smelled just like Jace and they were muscular just like Jace,
but wasn’t Jace gone?
That thought was a shock to my system. I held my breath as reality sunk in and the fog lifted from my eyes and the knowledge of everything finally hit home. The person holding me that just saved my life—was Dave. God gave me a way out, in more ways than one. All of a sudden I felt things again and it hurt. It hurt worse than I ever thought imaginable, because I finally had to let everything go. Dave sat right there on the ground with me and just let me cry, he made me feel things again, even though I didn’t want to feel them again—his touch would not let me stop—it was like he was holding the floodgate opened. His arms were wrapped around me and he held me tight as I fell apart. “It’s okay Lily, just let it go. Just let it go.”
I did. Every emotion, every feeling—I spoke through tears. “Why . . . why did he leave me? Why did he allow me to love him? He knew . . . he knew it would not be forever, but he made me believe that it would be forever. How could someone lie like that?”
Dave stroked my hair; there was strong emotion in his voice. “He loved you Lily, more than words could ever express. He loved spending time with you and being anywhere with you. It was you Lily, all along.”
“But . . . he . . . left me. He had no right to make me believe him!” I wailed and screamed. The pain was so great and so deep.
“Lily, look at me.” I did and his eyes were full of life, somewhere I longed to be—full of life. He placed my head on his shoulder as he rocked me and held me until I could calm some. Dave’s touch was soft, gentle, his fingers combed through my hair. Gently he tried to help me see Jace’s perspective. Quietly he spoke. “Are you saying he had no right to be happy?” I had calmed some. I answered him whispering.
“No . . . everyone has the right to be happy.”
“And Jace was happy with you, would you deny someone happiness, whether it cost you something or not?”
“No . . . I would never deny anyone happiness.”
“Lily, were you happy with him?”
I started crying again. “Yes . . . I was happy with him.”
“Do you regret anything you had with him?”
“No . . . but it was so short. He left too soon.”
“Shhh, Lily, I’m going to tell you something that a friend of mine told me one time. Sometimes an amount of time we spend with someone we care about was given to us for a reason and we are supposed to make the most of what time we are given and 99.9% of the time it makes us a better person. It may teach us to love better or be a better friend or it may just give us a taste of what our true love will be like.” Dave smiled, he has a great smile.
(Looking back now, all I could say to that was, “Wow.” He quoted that, word for word. Those were exactly the words I said to him when he came to me that day he and Brianna broke up and to have my words turned around on me like that was surreal, but very true.)
The tears slowed and then just became drips. I began wondering something. “Dave, how did you find me?”
“Believe it or not, by accident. I took the scenic route home from UNA for a change and saw your car. I knew what this place was and I knew what you were about to do. I had to stop you.”
“Why did you stop me?”
“I already told you that back in August. You’re my best friend, and I can’t imagine what it would do to Ally or your parents. Did you think about that?”
My breath hitched and sputtered. “No . . . I haven’t really been thinking about anything . . . except ways . . . to stop the pain.” My tears started falling again and my voice began to rise. “I want the pain to go away . . . I can’t stand it. It hurts to breathe . . . it hurts to move . . . everything hurts.” Dave comforted me. More tears fell.
Dave reached to wipe them away. “Lil, if I could take this away from you I would. I can’t stand to see you this way. I have an important question to ask you though. If I let go of you are you going to run back to that rock and jump?”
“No . . . I promise I won’t.”
“Good, now let’s get you home. Don’t think about taking any detours either. My main goal right now is to get you home.”
Dave made sure I was in my car and he followed me home. I pulled up in my driveway, he pulled in right behind me, blocking me in, and Ally was already home. I remembered the letter I left on her bed. I wondered if she had read it yet. If she had, I felt horrible. I walked into the house and Ally met me in the den as Dave came in behind me.