Xtreme Manly Man Force of Intense Badassery: Book One: The Fountain of Testoserone (22 page)

“Yeah, now get a bath, Swordsman. You
smell,” UDGD tells SISY, who is covered in all kinds of different
internal organs.

“Yeah... yeah, sure thing!” he answers
as he walks past the four to go find some water elsewhere in the
tower. Just as he gets to the steps, IMRM raises his
hand.

“Wait,” he says with a simple warning.
Everyone looks at him.

“Eh, robo-nerd, they’re dead. What’s
the problem?”

“We may have killed that one force, but
they are now preparing to fire.”

“Fire? What the hell do you mean,
fi-”

ENGAGE!

UDGD’s question is drowned out by the
sounds of explosions coming from the island. The tower is pelted
with several large shells, smashing through the reinforced walls at
the legs of the great moving keep. The right leg is obliterated by
the artillery strike, and all five of the men are overcome with the
horrific feeling of instability when at great height.

“Hang on!” UDGD yells as he swings his
axe straight into the rock floor for leverage. Pieces of stone are
flung off the side as the tower tilts off to the side and then the
left leg is broken out from the weight.

“GET READY TO JUMP, SLOWBIES!” Mr.
Honkers cries at the controls as he does his best to tilt the tower
forward, reaching the arms towards the floating island. The right
arm just barely grips the base of the floating fortress, pulling
itself towards the island for just a split-second long enough to
leap from one to the other.

“Go!” UDGD yells as he, SISY, and DTO
rush off and jump. The three soar for a moment as the tower behind
them plummets to the ground hundreds of feet below. DTO, turning
his head just a moment to look behind him, can see Mr. Honkers
jumping off the controls, and IMRM, that mystery, standing right
next to him. Only a second passes before the tower tilts, the arm
loses its grip, and the two plummet down out of sight atop of the
doomed fortress.

UDGD catches his breath as the sound of
the tower behind them crash into oblivion.

“Everyone good?” the axeman asks to the
swordsman and the more-wimpy swordsman.

“YEAH, THAT WAS SWEET!” SISY yells with
an excited fist pump in the air, still covered in blood.

“And you, Dick?”

“Uh, I’m good, but what about the other
t-”

“They’re dead.”

“Yeah, had to happen
sometime!”

“They were also assholes. You c’n lead
us and we’ll be fine,” UDGD says unceremoniously. He doesn’t look
phased in the slightest.

“Eh... yeah, yeah, we’re fine,” DTO
says, gulping down the terror of being alone, with only his
disguise staying between him and UDGD’s axe. It’s only him, Death,
and the idiot-crazy swordsman now; either he acts before they find
out that he doesn’t know the way to the ruins, or he’s a dead
man.

“First thing first, friends, we need to
brutally slaughter everyone on this ship,” SISY says with a grin as
he brandishes his blade.

“You mean: ‘go straight to the leader
and kill them, then have the men drive us to the temple ruiny
thing,’” UDGD corrects, not finding SISY’s constant lust for blood
all that practical to his goal. SISY shrugs.

“I’ll take what I can get. LET’S DO
THIS!” SISY cries with an enthused roar. DTO nods, and the three
men rush forward to the great gates of the castle on the floating
island.

CHAPTER TWENTY ONE: ULTIMATE MANLY
FRIENDSHIP FORCE (AKA: SOUNDS GAY, REALLY EFFICIENT)

The coal-skinned, white-painted user of
the greataxe, Ultra Death Graveman Death Death Death, sprints with
his two comrades for the shining gates of Smashland’s only floating
island keep.

The Subspace Orchestra fires up with an
intense drumming. A dozen percussion instruments of a dozen
varieties begin smashing in rhythmic time with the strides of the
warriors, and as they approach the gate, all could hear the
distinctive distortion of a bass guitar strumming with angry,
intense anticipation. UDGD, SISY, and DTO get the feeling that this
is going to be their manliest, most badass fight yet.

UDGD’s not afraid, DTO is
half-terrified, and SISY, for a quick moment, thanks his beloved
goddess, Ree the Bloodless, for this wonderful day of violence that
she has given him.

“Turn yourselves in! If not, you’re
dead!” A voice booms out of the magical loud speaker of sorts as
they approach the gate. The awesome music must have alerted the
soldiers of Smashland to their presence.

“Go straight for the leader, plow
through everyone that gets in our way,” UDGD says as he picks up
speed a tad, heading right for the gate of the keep, opening now to
release the guards.

“GOTCHA!”

“A-alright!” the other two respond in
their own distinctive ways.

A group of about fifteen guards rush
out, looking far less cool than the fully-armored dragoons from
before, but still salty enough to be capable fighters.

“There they are,” a guard at the side
says as they rush forward, spears bending to impale their targets.
DTO’s eyes widen when he sees the massive line of sharp objects
heading their way.

“Shit! Guys, there’s no way we can
charge into that many spears. We’ll be torn apart before we even
get close!” DTO says to the other two as he slowly loses speed to
encourage a stop. The other two keep running.

“Guys!... Gu-”

“IT’S CUTTIN’ TIME!” SISY yells over
DTO’s pleading. DTO stops cold and leaps back the moment the
spearmen get in striking range.

ENGAGE!

UDGD and SISY throw their weapons
across smartly from the center to the sides, smashing through
several of the spears at both sides, considering their wooden
construction, they break with surprising ease. The counter is far
from perfect, however, and three spears get through. One shears at
UDGD’s cheek, flaying some crimson blood onto his dark face. One
cracks unceremoniously into UDGD’s heavy piled armor. The final
spear goes into SISY’s abdominals, only penetrating about an inch
before it is slowed by his horrifically well-packed musculature.
SISY churns his abs with absolutely zero hesitance, breaking the
tip into his body, and splinters the spear in half.

UDGD grasps the spear that hit his
cheek, the only one still unbroken, and lifts his axe. Suddenly
UDGD is met with an orchestra of strikes and punches from the
responding guards, quickly entering his space, gripping the axe at
equal bounds as he, and smashing his nose, effectively breaking it.
UDGD only needs to thrust his free hand forward once to
incapacitate two of the guards. Four still remain on his end, but
they will prove little problem. UDGD continues by punching his free
hand up into the elbows of the guards holding the axe back,
snapping two of the three arms withstraining it, proving the last
guard easy to overpower. UDGD wins back his axe and gets back to
work.

SISY pulls the wrested spear tip out of
the wound and steps back. He throws the guards into a fury of
confusion as he swings his monumentally-large blade across the
small crowd, splitting through about half of the group. As a wave
of blood flies up in the air and splashes on SISY, one guard steps
back to regain his thoughts, and the other two dash up to kill him
with fists. The first one is met with the tip of the spear right
into his eye, piercing through his pupil and causing for a
most-pleasing display of screaming and pain for SISY. The man falls
over and squirms on the ground as the other one wails his fists
weakly on SISY. It’s obvious this guy has lost it. With a precise,
instant movement, SISY seizes the man’s jugular, tightens his grip
on it, and tears it out with a laugh. The man falls over with his
comrade, gurgling up all sorts of gross stuff. SISY turns to the
man whom he impaled with the spear tip, now frozen in pain on the
ground, and decides he might as well finish him off as well. Amidst
the dying screams of the men at UDGD’s side, SISY raises his boot
and sends it right into the tip of the spear against the man’s
skull, forcing it in all the way and splitting his foe’s head clean
open.

UDGD and SISY raise their weapons from
the crimson wreck of bones and flesh before them, and look up to
the last guard who stepped back, eyes wide in unexplainable shock.
DTO steps back up to the others, humbled and
embarrassed.

“The hell was that, Dick? Why’d ya’
run?” UDGD asks, turning his head just a bit to have both the
terrified guard and DTO in his field of vision. DTO breaks into
fierce cold sweat.

“Ugh, I thought it wasn’t... tactical,”
DTO says, averting his gaze like a weak little weakling. UDGD
raises a brow in suspicion.

“Your family must be big on
strategies... that’s just what your brother would’ve
said.”

“Oh, uh, yeah. Our... Ma’ taught us to
use our heads.”

“Well it’s stupid. Stop it.”

“Okay,” DTO says, finishing the short
conversation between the two. The two turn back to the guard, who
is still standing perfectly erect in fear, and SISY, who is doing
that creepy laugh of his after he’s killed a bunch of
people.

“Hey, kid,” UDGD says to the guard,
notably younger than the others.

“Y... ye-yeah?” he slowly forces out,
his eyes like perfect doorways to display his fear. SISY chuckles
with demented pleasure hearing the guard respond. He slowly raises
his blood-covered face to view him.

“Lead u-”

“HAVE YOU BLED TODAY?!” SISY
interrupts, stealing UDGD’s cool one liner moment, and replacing it
with his own. The guard boy writhes in horror as SISY leaps
forward, sword poised high, and splits through him next perfect
grace. The slash went only halfway through the guard’s torso,
giving SISY the opportunity to pull the blade out and cut across,
sending three giant chunks of departed human flailing about, rather
than the common two.

UNNESSCESSARILY- GORY
VICTORY!

“HA! HAHAHA! HA-” SISY laughs on with
maniac excitement as he smashes his broadsword into the pile of
corpses again and again, each time sending a new wave of red warmth
about. UDGD sighs, and DTO begins wondering which of the two men
would be more dangerous. UDGD would probably kill DTO were he to
find out his secret, but at least he’s not completely
insane.

“Swordsman, idiot. What the hell were
ya’ thinkin’ killin’ that guy?” UDGD says as he rests his large axe
on his shoulder. SISY tastes his blood covered hand for just a
moment, and turns to UDGD with a wide grin, stretching across his
entire face.

“DAMN! NOW THAT’S WHAT I
CALL-”

“Volume.”

“Uh, friendship spirit! That was
awesome, and we all did our part, too!” SISY says with an
obliviously-positive expression. UDGD scowls.

“Dick did nothing. Didn’t cha notice?”
UDGD says as he motions for the three of them to enter into the
gates. The three step inside and look around.

“... No, I guess I didn’t. I was too
excited to fight I guess.”

“That’s pretty damn obvious. Anyway,
you can’t jus’ kill folks like that. I w’s gonna get ‘em to take us
to the boss,” UDGD says with a low brow, squinting to show both his
displeasure and his surprise at his companion’s
unnecessarily-violent disposition. SISY looks a bit mixed on UDGD’s
words.

“Well, I dunno, friend. He could have
totally turned his back on us, and he also tried to kill us
earlier, so it’s just fair,” SISY explains, waving his finger with
an astute pride, under the impression that he is using good
logic.

“Yeah, but it’s impractical. Just stop
fighting when they do, steada’ doin’ that crazy shit back there;
got it?” UDGD instructs with a stern scowl. A rare frown forms
across SISY’s face.

“Yeah, sure,” he says.

“Good, now let’s go.”

The three make their way through the
center of the keep, watched by several terrified onlookers from the
various windows and walls surrounding them. UDGD points to the
central building, a tall, gaudy structure, presuming that it
contains whoever’s in charge, and advances with the mysterious
rapier user and the insane greatswordsman. The next pair of doors
guarding the keep open before the three. From the entryway several
armed figures are pushed out of the doors, which are promptly
closed back to defend the interior. This group consists of about
five women, each with drawn shortswords. UDGD frowns. The attires
of these females are obviously those of cooking, cleaning, nursing,
and the like. DTO looks at the scared women with
confusion.

“Girls? What the hell?” DTO says as he
seriously considers sheathing his blade. There’s no way he’s going
to kill women, especially ones that don’t want to fight.

“What a bunch of pussies,” UDGD says
outwardly, realizing how cowardly the men are to force
non-combatants to their death.

The front most woman, hearing the
chorus of threats coming from behind her to march forward and fight
for the cowards hiding in the keep, slowly takes her first step.
SISY is the only one of the three who seems pleased by this
saddening display, and stops along with the other two to rest a
moment.