“I see she’s gone. That’ll teach her not to go after my man.” The fury was back in full force at hearing those words. “Now you and I can focus on our family. We’ll set the wedding for next summer after I’ve had the baby. I don’t want to look fat in the pictures.” I got closer to her as she was getting up from the couch. The fury must have been clear on my face. Her smile was wavering. I didn’t stop until we were almost nose-to-nose.
“You made a fatal mistake by going after the person I love. This, I will not forget. Prepare for a world of pain. Now, get out of my face.” I turned away from her and, without another look at her, I gathered my things and left the office in search of my girl.
On my way to the shelter, I drove by the marina and the pier, places I knew Lizzy liked, but she wasn’t there. I kept calling her cell, but she never answered. Max was already at the shelter when I pulled into the parking lot.
“Any news?” I asked him.
“Nothing yet. But it’s only been a little over an hour. Nothing at your house. Doesn’t look like she went back home. My guy is working on that trace. He’ll call.” I nodded then opened the door to the common room of the shelter. Marie was on the phone when we walked in, her eyes coming directly to me.
“Call me,” she said into the phone before she hung up and asked me, “What is going on? Where is Liz? She ran out of here with tears in her eyes and isn’t answering her phone. What happened?” She sounded concerned, which meant she had no clue where Liz was either.
Shit!
“I’m trying to find her. She misinterpreted a situation and ran without letting me explain. Do you have any idea where she would have gone?” Marie looked at me with narrowed eyes.
“What situation?”
“Marie, I don’t have time—”
“What situation?” This came from Jesse, who was standing behind Marie, arms crossed on his chest. I had to give it to him, he looked scary for only being sixteen. He was protective of Lizzy. I had seen that the last time I had been here.
Taking a deep breath, I explained to them about what had been going on with Courtney as quickly as I could, how I had hired Max to get her off my back, and how she had set Lizzy and I up this morning. I didn’t leave anything out. Not the photos, not the pregnancy claim, not my stupid decision of keeping Liz out of it and that leading to her believing Courtney’s lies. When I was done, Marie was crying silently and Jesse looked like he was going to blow.
“Now, do you have any idea where she might have gone?”
“No, Cole. I don’t know. She’s closed up pretty tight about personal stuff,” Marie said. Jesse shook his head.
“She likes to look at the stars,” a timid voice said from the sofa against the wall. It was Chloe, Jesse’s sister. Lizzy had told me about her, how they had bonded lately, how proud she was that Chloe was opening up to her. Jesse walked toward his sister and crouched in front of her.
“What do you mean, Chloe?”
“She told me about how she had this place, how when she was a child she would go there to escape her mother and clear her head or go into her head to not feel anything. She told me it wasn’t healthy to try and bury your feelings, that eventually, those strong emotions would always fight their way back out.” I closed my eyes and hung my head. I knew exactly what Chloe was talking about, had found her there time and time again.
“I don’t think she would go back there, Chloe,” I said.
“No, she wouldn’t. She hasn’t been there since she was seventeen. Some childhood friend had done something to make her hate that place, I don’t know what exactly.”
My heartbeat picked up at her words. She hated her cave? What happened? I was her only childhood friend. Had I done something to make her hate the only place she had always felt safe?
Chloe continued, pulling me out of my thoughts. “Anyways, she told me she likes to look at the stars now to calm herself down when her emotions and thoughts overwhelm her. And she likes the feeling of sand running through her fingers. She told me to find something or someplace where I can focus my thoughts, where I can forget about everything else around me and organize my thoughts and emotions when things get too much.”
“The stars and sand. Where could she find that? It’s the middle of the day. The planetarium? The science center?” Marie wondered out loud.
“The beach,” I said. “She went to the beach.”
Lizzy
Eight years ago.
Lizzy is seventeen. Cole is nineteen.
I’m on my way to a party. Even though I’m a junior now, I usually don’t go to these parties. I never get invited. Actually, this is the first party I’ve been invited to. So far, this year is shaping up to be the best ever, at least considering school. Cole has gone off to college in Boston, so at the end of the summer I had dreaded the next two years until I could follow him there. Then I met Katie; or rather she met me. She was new to our school and we’d become fast friends, something that is more than a little unusual for me. She lives on the rich side of town. That fact alone should have made her avoid me like the plague or, the other option, hate me instantly and make my life a living hell. Those were usually the only two reactions I got from people who know who my mother is, which is everyone in town.
At least when Cole was still here, I didn’t have to worry so much about all the assholes and bitches at school. Though I never told him what happened when he wasn’t in my immediate vicinity or worse, when he wasn’t at school. I never told him how they would taunt me, especially the girls. How they would call me names and shove me. How the queen bee especially, whom he had incidentally hooked up with more than once, would attack me when no one but her posse was watching. I didn’t want to become a burden to him. That was my biggest fear
—
that being my friend and protecting me would become too much for him and he would leave me in the dust and I would be all alone again.
I had dreaded the next two years without him at school, but at least my arch nemesis had gone off to college as well. Still, I hadn’t looked forward to going to school without him there. Katie had made it easier for me. Much easier. She doesn’t care that I’m from the wrong side of town, doesn’t care who my mother is. From the moment she sat beside me during assembly on the first day of school and smiled at me brightly, she had treated me like nothing but a friend. It’s new to me and I don’t quite trust it yet, but I’m getting there. I like being around her, talking to her, laughing with her. I realized that having a girlfriend made me feel more relaxed, more normal. Being at school is easier now, less threatening. I’m not sure if it’s my imagination, but people seem to treat me differently than they did last year. Girls talk to me now, and boys are smiling at me in the halls and sometimes Katie would tell me she caught them looking at me during class. I’m not quite sure what to do with that. I think she’s misinterpreting.
The party I’m headed to is her party, kind of like a Welcome Party her parents are throwing for her. Cole is supposed to be there as well. It’s Thanksgiving weekend and he said he would come down from Boston for the holiday. For weeks, I had been looking forward to seeing him again. I had turned seventeen in the summer. It wouldn’t take long now until we could be together.
Only one more year.
Less than that even.
I walk faster, impatient to see him.
Katie lives just one street over from Cole’s house, her house also backing onto the woods, so I know my way through the tress without needing a flashlight. I’m close to passing my cave when I overhear a couple making out. I try to make out the shapes in the darkness and realize that they are right there, just about twenty feet ahead, just a couple of feet away from my cave entrance. I had been so lost in thought that I had almost run into them. Not wanting to be rude, I try to skirt around them when the voices I hear make me freeze mid-step.
It’s Cole.
And Amanda.
One of my classmates.
We are friends. Kind of. She’s one of the girls who had started talking to me lately, sitting with Katie and me at lunch sometimes.
She’s three weeks younger than me.
And Cole is making out with her right by my cave.
The cave where Cole had found me two weeks before my tenth birthday.
Our special spot.
In that moment, my whole life comes crashing down around me. Everything I had hoped for since I had met him was disappearing right before my eyes. My heart is in so much pain I can’t breathe and sink down to the ground, wrap my arms around myself as tightly as I can, and try to shut it all out.
How could he do that to me?
What is happening?
It doesn’t make any sense!
Here I thought that he had never made a move on me because I was too young and he was waiting for me to catch up to him. But that had been just silly old me hanging on to a dream that would never come true.
Clearly, he didn’t have any romantic feelings for me. He’s making out with one of my classmates, who is almost exactly my age, so clearly being with someone two years his junior is not a deterrent for him. It’s just as all those girls had been saying all my life.
I’m a pathetic little girl whom Cole feels responsible for and nothing more.
I’m sitting on the ground for a long while, trying to be as quiet as possible, afraid that if I try to leave, they will hear me.
I can’t face them.
Not like that.
Not while they are making out.
I would completely lose it.
No matter how hard I try, I can’t shut out the noises they make, or their words as they start talking again.
“You sure Lizzy won’t be mad at me? She really likes you, Cole,” I hear Amanda ask in between kisses.
“Why would she be mad at you? Don’t worry, sweetheart. Lizzy and I are just friends. She’s like a little sister to me.”
A knife straight through the heart.
That’s what his words feel like.
The pain that I had thought couldn’t get any worse multiplies by a million and explodes in my chest at hearing those words.
My whole body goes rock solid.
Everything around me disappears as I drown in anguish, grief, and heartache.
My heart is broken.
Obliterated.
Shattered into a million pieces.
I have experienced a lot of pain and hurt in my life, but I know that this is something that I will never completely recover from.
Those words and what they mean will be burned into my soul forever.
I don’t hear anything or see anything after that. I try not to feel anything either. I have to shut it down. I’m good at shutting down my feelings, have had seventeen years of practice. It takes me a while, but I eventually manage and bury everything deep down inside me while I focus on the stars above me.
They are pretty.
So very pretty and peaceful and quiet.
And mesmerizing.
Exactly what I need to get myself under control.
I must have sat there for a long while because when I finally come out of my trance, Cole and Amanda are gone. I have no choice but to still go to the party. Katie is expecting me. And so is Cole. As much as I don’t want to see him right now, I know that if I don’t show up, he’ll come after me, probably worried I got waylaid by my mother or one of her friends. And anyways, I don’t have much of an alternative. Going home means locking myself in my room and listening to the disgusting noises coming from the living room since my mother was having yet another man over. No, that would be too much right now. I can’t deal with anything else tonight.
So I get up and trudge the rest of the way until I can see the lights through the trees. The party is in full swing. The crowd of people in Katie’s house is spilling out into the backyard, where a big campfire is blazing.
As good a spot as any to sit down and pretend.
A few boys and girls are sitting there already, talking, laughing, drinking.
I sit down across from them and keep to myself as I stare into the fire.
Lucky me, Cole finds me only a few minutes later. He immediately knows that something is wrong and keeps asking me what happened and if I’m okay.
No, I’m definitely not okay. But I will never tell him that I heard him with Amanda.
That will make me look even more pathetic than I already am.
He sticks close to me for the rest of the night and walks me home after a few hours. When we say goodnight, he holds my face in his hands and looks deep into my eyes. I almost can’t stand that the hands that only hours ago touched Amanda are now touching my skin. I can’t hide the pain in my eyes that comes with that thought, and being so close, he sees it and swears,
“Fuck! Don’t listen to her, Lizzy. She’s a loser who doesn’t deserve to have you as her daughter. Less than two years and you’re out of here and joining me in Boston. You promised me you wouldn’t let anyone break you. Don’t let her get to you now.” He assumes that something happened with my mother and her friends and that’s why I’m so upset.
I don’t tell him any different.
I nod, say goodnight, and head inside, leaving him standing on the sidewalk. I intend on heading to bed and trying to forget all about this day.
I should be so lucky.
Before I can make it to the stairs, my mother calls from the living room. I hang my head and sigh then go and face the music. If I don’t, she’ll just come after me until she’s done spewing her venom. Better take it now and escape after. It’s the lesser evil.
When I turn the corner I’m surprised to see that she’s alone. What I’m not surprised to see are her glassy eyes. She’s high. And the empty bottle on the floor tells me that there’s a high chance she’s drunk, too.
“You better get out while you can,” she slurs, her eyes pointed to the window.
What? Is she kicking me out now?
“That boy will never be what you want him to be. The likes of us aren’t good enough for the likes of him. Get out now before it’s too late and he breaks your heart beyond repair.”
Her words hit too close to home.
I flinch but say nothing.