Without Scars (17 page)

“On me,” I gasped out. He was still fucking me, and my words seemed to confound him. “Come on me,” I said louder. 

It clicked finally. Squeezing my inner thigh, Charlie pulled out and jerked his cock over me. He twitched as every drop landed on my sweaty stomach, our out-of-sync breaths filling the room.

His head hung for a beat. Then a satisfied grin spread across his expression. I was smiling, too. If things were going to get messy between Charlie and me, I was completely fine with it happening just like this.

****

I’d read the same line in Savoy’s Florida
guidebook maybe fifty times. Really, I was just grinning at the page. I couldn’t concentrate beyond knowing it was morning and I was naked in a disheveled bed with Charlie. I was restless and relaxed. Scattered and put together. A good burn flowed through my muscles. I knew how Charlie Dara fucked now. And I had no idea what to do with myself.

              “Hi, is this Rebecca?” Charlie’s voice vibrated from the back of his head and into my stomach. He pressed my thigh against his free ear. “Hey…this is Charlie Dara, from…yeah.” He laughed and flipped over, his breath skating over my navel. When I put the book down, the look in his eye—yearning…insatiable—made me shiver. “I’m just calling to let you know that you got the part in
Traitor.
Congratulations. Yeah…I’m glad you got it, too.” He screwed two fingers into me. When he curled them upward, I cursed in a whisper and bit my hand. “Great. I think we’re going to have a cast welcome party…” His chin brushed my lips, the ones closest to him. Then I remembered last night.

With a questioning stare, he stood up and watched me as I moved to the headboard. I put my back against it. The loss of his train of thought was immediate and obvious when I opened my legs. I pushed my fingers into my body. His jaw dropped. “What?” he said to Rebecca. “Oh, in a few weeks. Yeah. Our assistant will email you...what?” he asked again.
Don’t come,
he mouthed to me, maniacal urgency flashing on his face.

The thought of him having to restrain himself only heightened my arousal. I shoved my fingers quick and hard, as deep as the knuckles, and rubbed my clit with my thumb.
Stop me,
I mouthed back, showing him how wet my fingers were.
Payback for. Teasing me. For making me beg.
I moaned softly. Knowing I had to be quiet also fueled how great this felt. My breaths got faster. The pressure in my stomach grew.

Charlie’s eyes narrowed.
Wait. Come for me. Please,
he mouthed. “Awesome. Yeah. So, any questions? Concerns?” He threw his head back and mouthed
Fuck
at the ceiling. He paced. He swore quietly. Rebecca was a
talker
. Finally he said goodbye and scrambled onto the bed, rounding me, and pressed his chest to my back. He grabbed my boobs from behind, and I bucked against my own hand. Cupping under my chin, he tilted me back until the crown of my head hit his chest. “Come, baby girl. Come for me.” His mouth gazed mine. I unraveled, nails burrowed into his thigh, and crying out. More than once.

“I want you…” he said.

“Fuck me then. Don’t hold back.” I lay on the bed. With our hands clasped near my ears and our gazes fastened to each other, he did as I demanded. Still fucking me after I came and he came. Until our bodies had no option or strength but to be still.

After he pulled out he flipped us, putting my body on top of his. His fingertips slid up my back, from waist to shoulders. “All the times I slept on your couch, you were always prepped for the day by the time I woke up.” Charlie put his lips on my neck. “I really like naked and orgasm glow, though.” He was drawing imaginary lines on my body and lightly scraping his nails across my neck. I’d let him mark me last night, but in the most carnal way possible. It seemed like he’d found a more subtle way to do it again this morning. “You know what else I really like? That now I have to wake up and be better than everything else that makes you happy.”

I didn’t bother to search his eyes for anything that might make me hesitant; I believed him. Plus, there was a pretty convincing floaty feeling in my chest. God, I could see this getting addictive. He was going to get addictive. It was the worst word to use, but I really didn’t know if not having Charlie like this was something I could handle now that I had him. “A lot of my good days have been with you lately,” I said, kissing him.

“I’ll be here for the bad ones, too.”

“I know.”

“Does that scare you?”

“Only if I didn’t have that,” I admitted.

Charlie smiled. “You know what scares
me
? All the shitty restaurants I’m gonna have to pretend to like now, so you’ll keep sleeping with me.”

I laughed. “You’re an asshole.”

“And
you’re
pretty. Okay, say something else about me now,” Charlie teased. He kissed my shoulder. “I want to take you on a date today. No dinner and a movie shit, though. We do that every day on our couches. Want to go to the Museum of Contemporary Art, and then hang out in Sunny Isles? Maybe go to the beach over there?”

“I love MoCA! It’s fine.”

“Fine?” Charlie grunted. “I want more than fine. I want this to be better than our friendship, Nik. I want to make the effort and all that.”

“Me too. We will. It’s barely been a day. Stop worrying…” Swinging around, I set my feet on the floor and walked around the room. The Savoy was stunning in daylight. I hadn’t noticed last night at all, for obvious reasons. The King room was draped in ocean blue hues and warm lighting. There were French doors at the balcony, quirky furniture pieces that could double as art, and wood flooring. We’d devastated Charlie’s credit card. It had been worth it, though, because Lea was crashing at my place, and we would’ve had a bigger audience at Charlie’s.

I took the pen from the desk and carved a small heart into one of the French doors. Sex had turned me into a vandal. I just wanted someone to see it and know something good happened in this room.

Charlie and I started here.

As I picked up our strewn clothes and put them on the chair, I spotted Charlie’s pills at my feet. Worry pushed through my bliss. I grabbed the baggie. I was tempted to just throw it away, but it wouldn’t be that simple. He’d think he lost it, and then go get more pills from wherever he’d gotten them.

“I could literally stare at your butt all day,” he said. I looked over my shoulder. He’d rolled onto his stomach, a smile between adorable and mischievous stretching across his face. “I’ve thought about your ass a lot.”

“That was the plan,” I joked.

“So…is that like the forbidden temple or…?”

My face blew up with heat. “Charlie Dara, refer back to two minutes ago: it’s barely been a day!”

“Hey…if you can’t be adventurous with your best friend…” He winked.

I held the baggie of pills tight in my fist. “So…can I still talk to you like a best friend?” I asked.

“Yeah. Of course. What’s up?”

“These…” I walked back to the bed and sat with my back to him. I slid the baggie across the mattress and felt his hand land on mine. “I can’t encourage this, but I don’t want secrets between us. I don’t want you to feel like you can’t talk to me about things.”

“Okay.” He sighed and I decided not to find out if it was out of embarrassment or irritation. “I want Hillington to keep working with us, and it’s a lot of work making sure
How to Fuck up a Friendship
is done well. It’s a lot of long nights and stress. And I’m adjusting to what this new professional partnership means. But I’m being careful…”

“About the illegal purchasing part or the taking a drug that’s not yours? Whose pills are these, anyway?”

“A girl my sisters go to school with; her name’s Fallon.”

“And what does careful mean? You said you are being careful…”

“It means I’m not stupid.”

“
Oh…
like me.” Post sex euphoria was rapidly approaching nil.

“No, come on, Nik. That’s not what I meant. I’m telling you what I would say to my
friend
.”

“How many do you take?” I turned around.

Hesitation hardened his features. “Depends. Try not to do more than two or three at a time.” He grunted. “I know what I’m doing...”

“You’re making it sound simple. Like it’s an on-and-off switch.”

“I know about tolerance, dependence, and withdrawal and all that, Nik. This isn’t a forever thing…”

“Look, honestly, I just don’t like it. Maybe it’s selfish or hypocritical. But I just don’t like it.” Kissing. Fucking. Disagreeing. All in the span of a few hours. Charlie and I were moving at warp speed. Like some real version of the Game of LIFE. Tomorrow we’d be married, and by Thursday I’d land on the square for twin girls.

“I’ll be fine, okay?” He sat up and pressed his lips to mine. To shut me up, clearly.

“You do this with all your friends?” I asked, pulling away. “Kiss them when you don’t want to argue?”

“We’re not arguing! I promise it’s all good.”

I’d made promises once, too. But I smiled, determined to have faith in him. Charlie
wasn’t me. Just like my brother wasn’t me. As I strolled to the bathroom, I saw him put pills in his mouth. I got in the shower and turned the water to the warmest temperature I could stand.

Chapter Ten

Charlie

I didn’t care what anyone thought; I liked being this guy.

Hand on my girlfriend’s thigh as she drove me to my office, sitting at an angle so I could stare at her. Her skin was flushed and her brow was scrunched. Nikki was deep in a rambling story about rivalry at her job. One of those stories women told that could’ve been wrapped up fifteen minutes ago, but she had to tell it circuitously, with every detail and each side conversation. I listened, though, because it was
her
,
and I was so fucking drunk on Nikki: the way she looked when she was asleep or just humming to herself in the kitchen or on her knees in front of me. And her skin. Her smile. Her pussy. Her laugh. My name on her lips. Fuck it; it was everything. I wasn’t religious at all, but I could’ve worship her. I
was
worshiping her.

She was like this, too. If she hadn’t been driving, her hand would’ve been linked with mine, like always. We’d been official for a few weeks and maybe we wouldn’t be this way forever but, right now, I think we’d crawl up inside each other if we could.

When she pulled my car up to the curb, I popped a few pills while she was distracted, the last of my supply. The truth was, I wasn’t
really
working toward giving them up. At least not yet, anyway. I just had to keep Nikki oblivious until I was ready to be done for good. She had found out about the baggie and not the third of a bottle I’d had left back then. I was out of those now because I had upped my dosage to maintain the buzz I liked. I wasn’t sure when the change happened exactly, only that four pills a day were doing what two had a few weeks ago. Of course, I was self-aware enough to know that my tolerance was higher now. I was hoping to stabilize for a while, and then stop using completely before it went up again.

Nikki leaned over to kiss me on the cheek. “I know you have a lot going on at SoBe this weekend. Keep the car today and tomorrow. Drop it off on Sunday. Whatever,” I offered. “I’ll make Samira drive me around and borrow from one of the roommates.”

“But what if I want to come over later?” She trailed kisses along my jawline. “And then on your tongue?” My cock twitched and heat swarmed my legs. My girlfriend was so fucking filthy, and she was perfect.

“Like you even have to fucking ask. You’re gonna come until you don’t even want me to fuck you.”

“Mmm.” She smiled and bit her lip. “God, you’re hot.”

“Hot enough for a quickie…?” I slid my hand up her thigh, moving it until it was under the hem of her dress.

“Good
bye,
Charlie.” Laughing, she reached over and opened the passenger-side door, squealing when I grabbed her tit.  “Get out. Go!”

“Oh, I see. Get me all worked up then kick me out of my own goddamn car,” I said, leaning in the window. “Kiss me goodbye.”

Nikki groaned with an amused look, unbuckled her seatbelt, and leaned over the passenger seat to peck me on the lips. I held her head and kissed her harder. Nikki moaned softly and her nails dug into my biceps. It was an obvious delay tactic on my part. I’d been doing it one way or another every time we had to be apart. Sue me. I liked my girlfriend. And Nikki was the calm to a lot of my chaos right now. We’d had a fun morning: marathoning
The Walking Dead
and looking up frightening, rare disorders on the Internet.

“Text me nasty pictures when you’re free?” I asked.

“Like
you
even have to ask.” She puckered her lips and moved back to the driver’s seat. “Bye, babe.”

“Drive safe.”

“Um…” Nikki put the car in gear and giggled, rolling her eyes. “Can’t drive anywhere while you’re in the window, Charlie. Aren’t you supposed to be smart?”

“Fine. Geez.” I stood and watched the car disappear down the street before I went into the building. We were holding an audition for
Confessions
today, and a large group of twenty-something women was assembled inside our office. We were trying to find our Tara. Hillington was letting us narrow it down to our top three, but they would get the final say. One of the things we’d lost control over was casting, but Samira and I refused to specify a race or ethnicity for the lead in the treatment, so it was cool to see diversity in who had come. Hillington was probably still going to pick the one who was most “marketable,” though.

Samira was giving each woman a number. The assistant, Josh, shadowed her, collecting resumes and headshots. Lux was also following her mom, but getting into everything at the same time. She dove for my feet when she spotted me, and hopped around until I picked her up. “Hey, Boog. How’s my favorite girl?”

“Really, Sweets? Forgotten that easily, huh? It’s okay…I’m
just
the person who feeds you and wipes your butt.
Whatever
,” Samira joked as she approached me. “I set us up over there. I was thinking we’d have them read in groups of five…” Samira kept talking, but it was Fallon Gregory who stole my attention. She was the only person in the entire room who looked young enough to play an actual high school student. She tapped her bag twice and my heart raced. “Okay?” Samira concluded whatever she was explaining to me, kissed Lux on the nose, and walked away.

Lux got antsy almost immediately so I put her down and she wandered off, but I kept an eye on her. She toddled over to where Fallon had been standing. Fallon waited until Samira was on the other side of the room before she walked over to me. “She doesn’t seem to like that I’m here. I couldn’t really give her a good reason.”

I wasn’t intentionally trying to be reckless, but this was the only time she could meet. “Well, the reason you’re here isn’t good…”

Fallon laughed. “No, I’m getting paid. The reason is awesome.”

“Don’t remind me about the payment part.” I glanced over at Lux. She was squatting and about to put something in her mouth.

Fuck me.

“Hey, Boog, come here…come here, baby…” I called out, but I was already walking toward her. She ran to me happily, and I opened her hand. There were three pills inside.
Pills.
My heart was thundering as I plucked them out. “What the fuck, Fallon. These are yours!” I whispered angrily.

“Oh. Oh God…” she said.

“Fuuuuuck.”

“They must’ve fallen out when I was…okay, look, I didn’t know there would be an effin’ baby running around,” she said, getting defensive. She pulled tissue and hand sanitizer from her purse. Thank fuck the office was so busy, and I was able to clean Lux’s hands unnoticed.

“Are only three missing?” I tried not to panic. Oh my God. Samira would never fucking forgive me if…no. I couldn’t even fucking think it. “How many are fucking missing?” I whispered over Lux’s head.

Fallon rummaged through her bag, mumbling, before she looked up at me. “Uh…five. Oh shit.”

Oh my God. Fallon and I marched over to where Lux had found the pills, but there weren’t any more on the floor. She’d put them in her mouth before I saw her? Oh fuck. I steadied myself on the wall. “What the hell are those, Fall?”

“Oxy,” she whispered. “It’s Oxy.”

“Oxycontin?” She nodded once. Oh God. What the fuck had I done?

“Yeah…it’s…it’s a new addition to my stash…” Fallon was shaking, and she rubbed her forehead. “This is bad.”

I stared at Lux and wondered how long we had before it took effect. Two pills. She’d taken two. Was that enough to do serious damage? To her tiny body…yes. What were you even supposed to do in the case of a drug poisoning? I remembered something about milk. Was that what you were supposed to do? I gently squeezed Lux’s mouth open, searching for residue. She looked fine now but maybe not in a few seconds. My breaths got short and I couldn’t hear much over my heartbeat anymore. My vision was blurring. Lux whined and tried to push my hand away. “Hold on, baby doll.”

“Do you see anything?”

Fuck, I could barely
see
. “Give me your phone. No…shit…call 911.” Fuck. And now I had to tell Samira…Fuck!

“Wait!” Fallon gripped my shoulder just as I took a step. “I didn’t count right. Only three.
Only three.
It’s fine, Charlie.” She was pale but looking immediately relieved, and taking deep breaths in.

“Are you sure?” Lux was fidgeting and clearly annoyed by my poking and prodding.
“Are you absolutely sure?”

“Yes. I swear. I miscalculated the first time because I was fucking scared I’d hurt her. They’re all here. I’ve counted twice now. Look, I’m sorry. I have a lot of crap in my bag. Those three must’ve fallen out when I was taking things out trying to find my phone earlier. Probably didn’t close the bottle tops all the way today. I was in a rush. I’m really sorry.”

“No, this is on me. Go to your mom, Boog. Go to Mommy.” I set Lux down and pointed out where Samira was. Samira gestured for her when she saw her coming, but she turned suspicious eyes to Fallon.

“Do you want me to go?” Fallon asked.

“No…no.” I sighed. “Close call but nothing happened, right?”

“
Right,
” she breathed out.

“So, how much?” I asked, my voice still shaky as we moved to a corner of the room.

“Twenty-five.”

“Shit. Really? After almost poisoning my goddaughter?”

“That’s a discount, Charlie. I’m charging college students up to forty right now, and thirty-five at school.”

“Okay, we’re striking a new deal. What’s your senior project?”

“Trying to build a mobile app; they’re letting us do group projects this year.”

“What kind of app?”

“It’s supposed to be a location-based study group app. Users plug in their classes and rate themselves on how well they’re doing in each one. Then see who else has taken the class or is taking the class at any nearby schools, and try to form groups, find tutors, or people who need tutoring. It’s subpar right now. Crashing a lot.”

“Okay. I’ll work on coding with you, but I need enough shit to get me through the next few days,” I said. I’d find amphetamines in Silicon Valley easily while Nikki and I were out there
.
“I’ll do it for ten a pill. And it has to stay at ten whenever I want to buy.”

“Okay. Deal. I can only sell you like six right now, though.” Fallon plowed through her purse, and I shifted my eyes between her and Samira before I pushed the money into her hand. Lux waved at me and blew a sloppy kiss my way. Was there anything purer than children’s feelings? They liked you or they didn’t, and it was that simple. Lux may not have understood it, but she knew what love was. And she did love me. So did Samira. I didn’t want the people who cared about me to know about this. If I had to be so sneaky about a part of my life, maybe I shouldn’t have been doing it, period. For the first time since Nikki nearly caught me at my apartment, I felt like shit.

But.

Fallon gave me the pills. No baggie this time. The rush of anticipation kicked up my heart rate. “I can get you a few more, maybe, but I want something else, too…”

“Okay…”

“I have way too much weed and Oxy. You know anyone—”

“Fuck no…”

“Come on. Sell it to your friends. Keep ten percent.”

“I’m not a dealer.”

“I’m not asking you to move pounds of it. Just sell it to your friends. Agree now and I’ll call this kid who wants to fuck me, Elliott. He doesn’t really sell his ADHD meds, but he’s on this time-release stuff.” When she looked away to secure the payment, I put two pills in my mouth but pretended to shove all of them into my pocket when her eyes were on me again. “The kid takes four-hour exams in two and a half because he’s
that
focused. Once I get more, it’s ten forever, okay? We have a deal?”

Yes. No. “Yes.” I didn’t take it back. “I’ll sell your shit. But just the weed and just this once, Fall.”

“Maybe just bring up the Oxy, too?”

“No. And after this don’t ask me to do it again…” I couldn’t believe I was agreeing.

“Fine. Geez, golden boy. It’s a one-time thing. Sell all of what I give you and then never again.”

“Swear.”

“I swear,” she said in a whiny tone. “Still mad at me?”

“Nope.” All my anger was directed at myself.

“Good! So tell me about the cool
Confessions
storyline you wanted to run by me.”

“Fine. Tara meets this street dealer and they don’t get along at first, because she’s selling in his territory, but he buys the last of her stash, after her competition gets busted and she’s scared. They connect. It’s going to be a love triangle. He respects her hustle.”

“But Cody’s her soul mate, right? Part of me wants to believe that our hearts are drawn to the people who make us want to be better. Even if we don’t know it right away. Or I’m sort of hopeless that way.”

“Yeah. When Cody finds out about her dealing, he gets that she’s a good person doing a bad thing. He exposes her client list and puts her out of business for good. Can’t trust a dealer without discretion. But that’s how he saves her. Creates a whole lot of problems in season two, but that’s how he saves her.” I squeezed her shoulder. “You want to stay and consult on Tara?”