Without Scars (14 page)

We evolved into friendship right away, and we had never talked seriously about the possibility of being
more
, but it was getting harder and harder—pun fucking intended—to not think about having sex with her. And the fantasy of fucking Nikki was hot, but I was really starting to consider
us
in a major way
.
I wanted to protect her and take care of her, too. I wanted to be
home
for her. I wanted everything; that wasn’t friendship anymore.

“Let’s make sure we never become the kind of people who stop hanging out because one of them gets involved with someone else.” She hugged me closer, shifting to her tiptoes.

“Hey now, I was trying to leave some space between us this time,” I teased, kissing her temple. “Before you get scared again.”

“You think I was scared earlier on set when you got hard…? Really?” She stepped back from me, the intensity of her stare making my heart pound faster. Her suppressed laughter was barely hidden behind a mischievous smile. “Spiders scare me. Roller coasters scare me. Random noises in the middle of the night scare me.
You
getting hard? Did not scare me. Not one bit.”

“Can I be honest, then?”

“Be honest.”

I put my lips against her ear. “It was for you.”

“You couldn’t possibly think I’m naïve enough to not know that…”

Well,
fuck.

Her lips curved into a big smile when she pulled away from me. She didn’t break eye contact. Not even when the theater doors opened and the chaos of a hundred voices flooded the room. I was sweating—hot as summer asphalt under this suit. Muscles stiff. Dick like concrete.

After Nikki put on her shoes, we climbed down off the stage. Samira signaled me, and I tried to shift into work mode. She and I had to give an introduction with our show’s history, talk about the series, and remember to enthusiastically name the important people at Hillington. But ignoring Nikki was no easy task. Her voice rang so loud in my head I couldn’t hear myself at all while Samira and I spoke.

Eventually, I took my seat next to Nikki, and as anxious as I was to continue our earlier conversation, I decided to drop the topic for the rest of the night; this wasn’t really the place to have it. She switched gears, anyway, threatening to hold my eyelids open if I didn’t watch the episode. I thought tonight’s premiere was better than all of the episodes from last season combined, but I still didn’t know if it was what I wanted.

With my brain on a pleasure cruise, I managed not to nitpick everything, and ignored every urge to walk out of the room. Finally, my last voiceover came through the speakers: “
I couldn’t outrun the truth anymore. I couldn’t run, period. Sami Mitchell had become my prison.”

The episode ended to a round of cheers. Someone on the balcony started a standing ovation, and then a disembodied voice called for a toast. The auditorium cleared slowly, and we spilled into the party area. Samira and I walked to the center of the room, and a flurry of wait staff hurried in with uncorked bottles of champagne. Samira hugged my arm, and we exchanged cautious smiles, but a strange rush of exhilaration and then calm struck me right then. I decided to relish the moment. See the tears in the crowd. Maybe we’d actually pulled this off. Maybe Samira and I were on the cusp of something great.

And…Nikki.

We still had to talk.

But she excused herself without giving me a chance to stop her and didn’t return, so I had to wait until
all
the toasts ended before I went after her. I found her sitting on a sofa in the quiet lobby staring through the glass door entrance. “Hi, Mayhem…” I said and she smiled when she turned around, but it faded so quickly my chest tightened. Something was up. “Is this where you’ve been? You missed everything.” I walked over to her with a bottle and two champagne flutes.

Holding her hands up, she said, “Oh, Charlie, I can’t drink
any
alcohol at all. Not even—”

“It’s sparkling apple cider, you goof…” I showed her the label as I poured then gave her a glass. “What are you doing?”

She aimed a sad look up at the ceiling. “Just thinking…I guess getting the job today hit me all at once when I watched you get accolades in there.”

“Well, that’s why I came to find you. To toast to you. You deserve a little party, too…for your resilience. For not letting the end of SCB be the end of
you
,” I said and I lifted my glass, but she put hers down on the coffee table.

I caught the pulse in her clenched jaw before she stood up and strode outside. She kept walking until she was on the edge of the street. I followed her out, not liking the flat tone I’d noticed in her voice. “You know why people read books and go to the movies, Charlie. At least we get to pretend for a couple hours that there’s some justice in the world. And that things work out for good people. People who aren’t me.” She stepped into the crosswalk, just past the cars parked at the curb, but the crosswalk signal hadn’t changed. An Escalade made a right directly in front of her and she jumped. 

Shit.

“Nik, what the fuck are you doing?” I called out as my stomach tightened. “You can’t—”

“If life were
really
fair, I would have third-degree burns. Or a punctured lung. Blindness. Some permanent injuries. Anything!” She moved a little farther into the street. Someone honked angrily. “
I
should’ve lost my leg or…or hit my head so hard I couldn’t remember how to dance. But maybe the universe will get it right this time. Because it hasn’t…”

“Nikki, what the fuck!”

“Seriously, I’m invincible, Charlie...” She backed toward the other side of the road, and another car steadily honked as it went by. “See? Don’t worry. Maybe that’s my punishment. To causing suffering and never have it happen to me…” She trailed off when I ran to stand at her side. Nikki’s eyes rounded, terror cracking the methodical expression on her face. “Get out of the street, Charlie,” she demanded. 

“Nope.” My shoulder went back when she pushed me.

“You’re making me care about you getting splattered all over the road. I only have room for my own self-destruction right now. I don’t want to be responsible for another person getting hurt.”

“Then, stop.” I lifted her before she could fight me off and carried her back to the sidewalk. “This isn’t the way to fix what you’re feeling…what the fuck?”

She sighed, looking defeated. “I know. I wasn’t trying to do…
that
. I’m just frustrated. I was just thinking about what it would really be like to have
all
of it taken away, you know? I wanted to know what that fear was like for them. Sometimes I think I should suffer, too. I thought I’d feel better about
finally
getting something amazing. But I’m only who I am right now because of what happened that night, Charlie.
I had to hurt other people to heal.
I think about all of it so much that I want to drink.” She stared at me pointedly, her voice rising. “Does that sound like someone you want to know? Because I want to drink so badly some days when I really think about what I did. I would black out happily.
Other
days I’m one minor incident away from just wanting to crawl back into bed and spending the rest of my life there. And I’m not a victim or a survivor. I’m not resilient. Or brave. Or strong. I am the
perpetrator.
I am the bad guy. And I don’t see anything victorious about overcoming the damage
I
caused.”

“Go inside and drink your apple cider.” My voice came out strained, and maybe meaner than intended, but my fists were shaking. My anger was coming from helplessness. I couldn’t fix her pain. I couldn’t extract it and put every beautiful part of the universe there instead.

But I would try.

“Charlie, I—”

“Come on…” I took her hand and pulled her back into the lobby. The bottle of cider and the glasses were right where I’d left them. “Drink it.” I folded her fingers around the glass. Nikki nodded slowly, keeping her eyes on me as she raised the rim to her lips.

She’d told me that she’d walked away unscathed after the crash. But she had actually showed me scars that night we talked; the same ones she was revealing now, which were in places that almost never healed. I’d always thought that Nikki wasn’t guarded but I was wrong. Her armor was just harder to see.
This
was it. She exposed herself; she hid nothing. Dumping everything on you—fears, flaws, and pain—so she could take the blame and make it easier on
you
when you walked away. But also make it easier on
her
to not get attached if you weren’t going to stick around.

This was survival.

“Okay, I drank it,” she said in an uncertain tone. After picking up the bottle and my glass, I took her hand again, and we went back outside.

“
Hey, excuse me,” I said, yelling out to a couple walking by, “this is my best friend, and she just landed a job at SoBe. You know that burlesque place in South Beach? She’s part of it now. She’s spectacular. She’s a ballet dancer, too. Trained and all that shit. And when she dances, it’s like it’s just you and her in the room. It’s pretty cool. Please come see her dance. She won’t be wearing much.”

Nikki snorted and doubled over. “Oh God, cider’s coming out of my nose…” Suddenly, she was hugging me but also backing me away from the guy and his girl. “Ignore him. He’s…he’s…”

“The word is ‘awesome.’” I kissed her on the cheek. “But the judges would’ve accepted ‘amazing,’ and either of those with ‘fucking’ in front of it as well.”

The woman approached us, curiosity beaming in her eyes. “But you got the job, though, right?” she asked.

“I did,” Nikki said, laughing. “
I did.
”

“Congrats. We’ve been there a few times. Maybe we’ll see you next time.”

“I hope so. Thank you! Thank you so much!” Nikki called after them.

“Excuse me, ladies!” I yelled to four women who had just jaywalked to our side of the street.

“Oh my God, Charlie!” Nikki buried her laughter in her palm. “Don’t mind him,” she said, waving them off.

I topped off our glasses with cider again and when we clinked them I said, “To you.” 

“To me.”

“
You
are entitled to your happiness and your goals and aspirations. Nothing gets better if
you don’t
. If you feel like you have a long way to go to make up for driving drunk and hurting Camryn and your dad, I get that. If you feel like you still have something to prove to yourself because you’re not with So Cal Ballet anymore, I get that, too. But you lived in spandex for weeks so you could practice those damn routines whenever you got a chance—not that
I’m
complaining. You’re always so sore you climb stairs like my goddamn grandma. You earned a spot with that show, Nik.
You earned it because you’re a great dancer.
So, just stand here and plan to keep getting embarrassed because I’m telling people about you. All of Miami gets to be your tears in the crowd tonight.”

Chapter Eight

Nikki

“You don’t have to come. I completely understand,” I told Lea after she sighed on the phone for the millionth time. “It’s going to be a crazy night and everywhere is going to be crowded.” I put the call on speaker and set my cell on the bathroom countertop. Applying my makeup for my first Sinners & Saints show required all my motor skills right now. I replayed the steps to tonight’s dance numbers in my head. Anxiety gripped me. I’d been experiencing it at varying levels all day. When I got this jumpy I also got parched for the one thing that always relaxed me. It was the first time I’d had a craving this intense in months.

Lea groaned softly. “I want to be ready but—”

“Goddammit!” I drew a crooked black line nowhere close to my lashes. “Sorry, continue.”

“I didn’t even think I was going to make it through the
How to Fuck up a Friendship
viewing party. I just don’t know. I’m so terrible with people. Anyway, how have you been handling everything this week?”

I had learned so much choreography I was pretty sure I had to unlearn a few other things to make it all fit. Like putting on eyeliner, apparently. “Talking to Judy.” She was my sponsor. “I called her three times. I’ve been coming home
after
two A.M. every night.” On top of my regular job and the musical. “Hopefully, it’ll all pay off tonight. And I don’t have to go to the after-party. We could go get burgers or go to the beach—”

“No. Stop. It’s your big night. You need to bond with the other girls, and you’ve been playing it off all week how much you miss Charlie.” The eyeliner line I drew the second time was even worse at the mention of Charlie. “You want to see him, not babysit me all night.”

“It wouldn’t be babysitting…” Charlie was on a college tour promoting
How to Fuck up a Friendship
. He’d miss the performance tonight because
of the last tour date. But he was coming straight to the after-party at Sonar once he was back in Miami. We hadn’t spoken much. Our individual free time didn’t mesh well while he was away. Even my hectic schedule couldn’t trick me into believing I was too busy to be bothered by his absence, though.

“You’d be worried about me the entire time.”

“It wouldn’t be babysitting,” I repeated.

“But it would be getting in the way of you hanging out with Charlie tonight. Have you talked about what happened at the viewing party? About how he’s dedicating boners to you?”
It was for you.
A chill ran up my back at the thought and I shivered. From thrill. From…lust. Those words were Body Wand material this week. But even before Charlie’s admissions or the way he’d performed his scene with Samira, I’d known he thought about me sexually. It was the way he touched me sometimes. And the way he looked at me. Like he wanted my clothes off.

Like he wanted
me
.

And it turned me on so much.
It was for you.
I couldn’t shut the words out. No matter how many orgasms I had. I wanted Charlie to make me come. Okay, it was gross to be letting myself get so horny with my best friend on the other end of the phone.

“Um, hello?”

“I’m here.” I patted on gold glitter eye shadow.

“You can’t hang out with me tonight because you’ve been miserable this week.”
I miss you, Nik
—that’s how Charlie had ended all our text conversations. But the voicemails were my favorite. “
Fuck. I hate voicemail. Anyway, today was good. Samira’s boobs got a lot of cheers. Lots of people showed up. Wish you were here to see. Or I was there. Not that I’m not having fun. I just miss you. Samira says hi. Bye, Nik. Call me. I really miss you.”
Heart, meet stomach. I’d only listened to the messages fifteen…million times. Misery? Ha! I was Edgar Allan Poe. What he was doing to my emotions was far worse than what was happening to my pussy.

“Hello…” Lea said in a raised voice.

“I’m here.”

“Maybe it’s not love
yet,
but you’re into him as more than a friend.”

“I am.” Fake or not, I’d been ready to beat the shit out of Samira, a happily married woman, whom I really liked, after watching them in that scene together. I was territorial...and irrational. But the bottom line was, friends didn’t orgasm to other friends. Well, maybe not the way I was, and I had been coming
all week
to Charlie.

“And you’re thinking you want more…”

“Maybe.”

“Oh, this is going to be so great! He’s obviously crazy about you. He’s gonna build you a
shrine
of boners.” Lea giggled. “Okay, wait…only a serial killer would do that.”

I burst out laughing. “Well, I did think he was one for about a minute or two. When was the last time I had someone in my life who was just so…Charlie?”

“Um…fine as hell and into you? Always, Nikki.” But that was usually before the “I got drunk and almost killed people” convo.

“You know what I mean. I don’t want to shake things up while they’re so good.” Except maybe I did. A knock sounded on my front door. “Lea, someone’s here. Talk to you later.” I belted my robe and walked out of the bathroom. “Who is it?” I yelled. A bouquet of red petals was on the other side of the peephole.

Then it vanished. Charlie. He was here, and my insides dissolved into a puddle. I collapsed against his chest the minute I managed to collect myself enough to open the door. “Oh my God!” He lifted me into a hug after dropping his bag and the flowers. In an instant my nerves were settled, my heart soothed.

He was home.

“You’re supposed to be driving back right now. You lied to me, you jerk,” I whispered against his neck. He was holding me so tight it hurt. I didn’t care. What I’d felt when he wasn’t here was far worse.

“Yeah…but after our presentation, it was either stay or drive back right away.” They were in Pensacola last night. Nine and a half hours away.

“Did you sleep at all?”

He shook his head. “It was worth it, though. I knew where I wanted to be.”

“Well, you’re not…allowed to disappear again,” I told him, taking his face in my hands.

He smiled. “Sorry…” His lips hit my cheek and I held my breath. Charlie did it again and inhaled against my skin. His mouth glided just above my jawline, his lips slowly parting the closer he got to my mouth. I closed my fist around the back of his shirt. Every hair on my arm was upright, electricity just beneath the surface of my skin. Sparking. Jolting all my nerve fibers. I didn’t breathe again until the contact ended. I hated that his mouth wasn’t on me anymore.

Charlie was looking at me. So focused, so unflinching. Leaving me completely
disarmed
. Which was a
great
substitute word for dizzy, stupid, and tongue-tied. “Well…so…um…are you…hungry? Hungry, yes. You have to be hungry. Your mom brought me tostones and mofongo. It’s still here. She made a lot.”

He still hadn’t put me down. “You know what this means, right?”

“She’s thanking me for taking her to the beginner class at SoBe.”

“You took my mom to a burlesque class?” Charlie frowned.

“She
asked
me! It was fun. Then she brought me food. And kept bringing me food.”

“My mom cooking for you means she’s crazy about you. She only does that for people whose well being she honestly believes will be affected if she doesn’t bring them food. And don’t worry about me; I’ll eat later. Tonight is about you…and right now you are beautiful.”

“The gold isn’t too much?”

“Gold what?”

“Eye shadow!”

“I just told you you’re gorgeous. But if you’re worried, I’ve seen what you’re wearing; no one will be looking at your face.” He shrugged as he put me down. I punched him in the stomach. “I have something for you,” he said, swatting me away easily. After rummaging through his bag, he pulled out a box with Apple’s logo on it. There was an iPod inside. “Read the back.” I was tearing up before I could.
For the girl who’ll never need wings to fly,
the engraving said. “I’ve been building you a music library for weeks. I tried to put some of the songs you lost—”

“Thank you.” It didn’t matter what was on it.  “Thank you so much.”

“Are you excited?” he asked.

“Yes…but…I haven’t performed for anyone like this since L.A. But this is what I’ve worked for, right? The show is sold out. It’s going to go well, right?” I made a futile attempt to gulp down the sudden panic rising in my throat. I paced a few steps. “Because a lot of girls wanted this job, Charlie. We were all good. And that makes me replaceable. Easily.”

“Nope. We’re not gonna do this. You’re not gonna drive yourself crazy. Come here.” Taking my hand, he led me into my bathroom and lifted me to sit on the countertop. He walked out and returned with a small black bag. Then Charlie pulled out a razor and shaving oil.

“Wait…you want me to…you’re trusting me to shave you?” I asked as he handed the razor to me. “Like, put a sharp instrument on your neck…where your pulse is beating. Blood flowing—”

“Yes. I have to get ready. And guess what you won’t be worried about while you’re worried about possibly killing me?”

I laughed. Fair enough. “You want everything gone? I really like when it’s like this…” I cupped his face just to feel the stubble on my palms.

He smiled. “Okay. A little five o’clock shadow this time. But we
gotta
handle the neck beard.” He wet both his hand, pumped out shaving oil, and slathered it onto his neck. Then Charlie put his hands under my knees. I froze. “You probably need to get a little closer…” With a gentle tug, he slid me to the edge. A blaze of desire burned inside my chest. He pushed my knees apart next, spreading my legs, and then moved his hips between them.

His gaze hit my robe’s wide-open V for a second, and I didn’t even wonder what was showing. I wanted him to look. “Ready?” He put two of my fingers on his Adam’s apple. “Everything below here…on a curve from ear to ear.” Charlie flattened my palm on his collarbone. “That should help stabilize you a bit.”

He tilted his head back. His arms flexed at my sides as he leaned forward to balance his weight on his hands. My thighs were tight against his thighs. He flinched when I moved even closer, dipping his head down to lock eyes with me. Charlie’s gaze continued down my chest—seriously, God, please free one of my nips right now.

“
With
the growth, right?” I asked, barely above a hoarse whisper as he tipped his head back again.

“Yup…with the growth.” Holding the bottom of his neck, I drew the razor down in short meticulous strokes on one side and worked my way to the other. He placed his hands on top of my thighs. Charlie was wrong. While I wasn’t as scared about performing tonight, not killing him was sliding down the scale of importance. “Leeward released the final list of the panelists for their new media forum,” he said. Charlie was going back to his alma mater as one of the guests at an event, and hosting some workshops at another university as part of a huge tech summit in Silicon Valley.

“You’re aware that I have a blade over your jugular? Shut up so I can concentrate.”

“Yeah, well, I need to
not
think about you killing me,” he said with a nervous laugh. “You should see the names, Nik. These are guys I admire and look up to.” When he turned his head and pointed at the hair I still had left to shave on the side of his face, I caught worry in his eyes. “Heavy-hitters in tech. Me and my little web show. And I won’t have Samira with me. She refuses to fly cross-country with a toddler.”

“Aw, my little baby is going out into the world alone,” I teased.

“Shut up.”

I poked his abs. “You’re smart and people always like you. You were made for that forum.”

“You’re obligated to say this, Nik. Best friend and all.” After I finished up with the shave, he checked out his face and said, “Awesome job. Better than me on most days.”

“All those years of nearly bleeding to death trying to shave my legs prepared me for this exact moment…” I joked but I wasn’t amused at all. Charlie didn’t need me to shave him, so I was touched by the meaning and effort behind this. It was my comfort that mattered to him. Charlie was so good to me. He was
so good.
I’d let myself settle into the security of his kindness having no bounds. But there was taunting fear that one day I would storm face-first into its borders. Because my darkness would come out. He’d see my dad’s injuries. Or he’d have a long enough conversation with Camryn to discover the gaps I’d created in her mind. Or I’d pick up the bottle again. Then everything would change. If that day ever came, I knew the pain would be unbearable. Especially now that my feelings were so invested. Now that they had changed so much.

He cupped my face. “What’s that look? I’m not hemorrhaging on the bathroom floor. Wasn’t that bad, was it?”

“Not at all,” I said, holding his wrists. But it
was
intimate and couple-y. For a moment, I imagined waking up together and sharing the bathroom as we got ready. And Charlie Dara getting in the shower with me. Damn. How excited was I that I’d get to see him naked on the show eventually? There was not a word in existence to properly capture my feelings just yet.