Wishes (20 page)

* * * *

Kennedy knew something was up with Graham from the moment he walked in the door. The situation seemed utterly domestic. Nathan had already become excited when his father came home and would toddle over to him. Graham would scoop him up and blow kisses into the child’s neck. Nathan would shriek and laugh. Lois had been teaching him how to say “Dada, Dada,” and Kennedy hoped she would be around when the child spoke those words to Graham. Graham typically would then carry his son over to Kennedy, whether she was cooking dinner or curled up in a chair where she had been watching Lois and Nathan play. He would press a kiss on her cheek, and she would force a smile. Dinner would proceed with Nathan banging his spoon on his high chair and feeding himself with pride. Lois and Graham would compliment her cooking and then take Nathan off for his bath and bedtime routine. But tonight Graham was preoccupied. He cuddled Nathan but was fairly silent during the meal and insisted that she help Lois with the boy while he cleaned up. Nathan protested, and Kennedy distanced herself to let Lois calm him and get him organized for bed. Kennedy’s anxiety grew, and once Nathan was down for the night and Lois ensconced in their room in front of her favorite television show, she tracked Graham down to the bedroom.

“What’s going on?” she asked him.

“I saw Jennifer today,” he answered.

Kennedy’s stomach roiled. This couldn’t be good.

“I’m meeting with Stratton tomorrow, and there may be a way out of this without a custody battle or any involvement by my parents,” he advised.

“Oh, well, that’s good, right?” she asked.

Graham nodded, but his eyes were somber.

“What is it?” she asked. “Don’t think to leave me out of the loop, Graham. Don’t dare.”

“I don’t want you anywhere near Jennifer, honey. You set her off, and she might back out if she gets to thinking about you and me.”

Kennedy huffed. “There is no you and me, Graham, but I get it. I’ll stay clear. But I want to know what happens tomorrow and what the plan is.”

Graham said, “I won’t hold anything back, Kennedy. I promise.”

He looked so sad that Kennedy nearly put her arms around him. She didn’t understand. If there was an easier way out of this, wouldn’t that be great for the little guy? It would solve so many issues. And she could leave sooner and not have to pretend and suffer the way she had been. She had been learning about Graham over the past weeks, learning the whole man. He had dropped all of his defenses in Nathan’s presence, and she had seen his pain as he struggled to learn how to parent his son. He had initially been awkward and rigid, uncertain. Kennedy didn’t know any men who would allow a nanny to teach them about children. For Graham, who had been a dominant male in his own element at the club, it had to be a humbling experience for him to turn white-collar and parent a child, never mind maintaining the cover relationship with her. He offered up little snippets about his own childhood to Lois while Kennedy was within earshot, and it was hard to hear what he had to say. It made Kennedy want to scream in pain and rage at the neglect she, too, had experienced. She found herself liking Graham a little as she came to think that he was finally being real and openly honest. And she missed being with him, sleeping with him, having sex with him, if she was honest with herself. Her hurt and disappointment over how much of himself he had withheld from her had waned and seemed less important. She was caught in a trap of her own design. She had set a time limit and Graham had accepted it. He no longer tried to seduce her. He didn’t even look at her the way he used to, like he could have her for lunch. He had changed, changed for the better, or maybe just come into his own, and there was no room for her in his life. Once Nathan was safe there was no further need for her to stay. She had fucking mental health issues for certain, and Graham would be better off without her. On that happy thought, she locked herself in the bathroom to get ready for bed.

* * * *

Graham stared at the closed door. He thought Kennedy was going to open up to him. He had felt something from her, something different than the forced gaiety and arm’s-length attitude she had adopted over the past weeks. But she had visibly pushed it down and retreated. Well, as soon as he settled things with Jennifer, Kennedy was going to participate in a discussion about the future. He didn’t know if he could tie her to the bed and keep her there for as long as it would take without freaking Lois out, but maybe Lois could go shopping or something, take a little vacation for a day or two. He could both look after Nathan and talk Kennedy around. His son slept soundly and through the night. He would just have to plan things properly. It killed him to know that his woman was two strides away from him every night, and hiding it from her to spare her the pressure nearly did him in. The whole fucking thing was such a farce. Christ, he could roll over and onto her and into her! But not until he could ensure Lois wasn’t home. He didn’t think the nanny would understand.

George Stratton promised to look into the technicalities of Nathan’s trust fund, but cautioned Graham to stay out of it and let him handle things from there. A judge wouldn’t look favorably on Jennifer’s viable plan to access the fund, and Graham didn’t need to get painted in the same manner. Now all Graham could do was wait and hope.

Chapter Twelve

Kennedy sat with Nathan in her lap. She had cooked breakfast, cleaned up, and then cleaned the house. She was starting the laundry when Lois asked her to take care of Nathan so that she could have some time to herself. Kennedy suddenly realized that Lois hadn’t had a day off since they had moved in and felt terrible.

“Of course, Lois, how insensitive of me!” she exclaimed.

“It’s really not a problem, Ms. Johnson,” Lois assured her. “But I need to do a few things like banking and what have you, and wouldn’t mind not having Nathan attached to my hip while I do it.” The nanny laughed as she said it, clearly not being serious.

“Take the whole day, Lois, please, and if you would like to stay downtown overnight or longer, I’ll arrange for you to have a suite at my former boss’s hotel,” Kennedy offered. “Do you need time to go back to your home…”

Lois looked tempted for a moment and then shook her head. “Let’s see how Nathan does without me for a day. He should be fine, but his father won’t be home until later so…”

Kennedy heard the tone in Lois’s voice. She didn’t dare look at the nanny, concentrating instead on sorting the wash.

“I’m sure we’ll manage, Lois,” she answered, fighting not to let any emotion color her response.

“Ms. Johnson,” Lois ventured carefully, “I know it’s really none of my business, but I feel a huge responsibility for Nathan and I will have to talk to the judge, too. You are a really nice person and so kind, but you seem to want to keep your distance from the little guy.”

When Kennedy shifted and turned away, Lois hurriedly added, “Not that you aren’t good to him, don’t get me wrong. It’s just like you don’t want to get too close to him, and it makes me wonder if you really want to be his mother.”

“Nathan has a mother, Lois, even if she apparently isn’t interested in him,” Kennedy said quietly. “And Mr. Alexander truly cares for his son. I assume that you are going to stay on for some time, so Nathan doesn’t need yet another person totally involved in his care, and I have no intention of replacing his mother.”

Lois didn’t respond other than to say, “I’ll take you up on the offer of the little car and be back after dinner to say good night to Nathan.”

Kennedy let the laundry sit while she read to Nathan, enjoying the feel of his little body in her arms and his excited utterances at the pictures in the book. He leaned into her trustingly, and she fought tears, but not successfully. The child touched her face in wonder and wrinkled his own. She sniffed her emotions back and laughed for him until he settled against her again. They played with his assortment of toys, and he willingly ate the lunch she provided then went down for a short nap. Kennedy threw the laundry into the dryer and wished for the moon. She wished for Graham and Nathan to be her family. She wished for another baby to complete them. She wished to stay in the nice suburban house even if the fence was redwood and not white picket. She wished she were dead so that she didn’t have to feel this way.

Nathan loved his stroller ride to the park, and Kennedy sat with the other young moms, all watching the children work out the pecking order in the sandbox. Kennedy so wanted to feel included and let herself pretend for a little while. Nathan didn’t really call her anything, although he cried out for her when a little girl took his shovel, reaching up with his little arms. The other moms asked curious questions, and she fended them off without offending anyone, but it strained her. Time slipped by, and Kennedy realized that she would never make it home in time to make supper. She bundled Nathan into his stroller and experienced a mini Graham temper exchange, but they were on their way without too much fuss. Graham’s SUV was already in the driveway, and Kennedy had a brief moment of panic, knowing that he would be wondering if something had happened. He met them at the door and took Nathan from her arms without comment, hugging his son and taking him off for a change and wash. Kennedy resigned herself to a quiet evening and opened the freezer to try and find something to feed them.

“We’ll go out to someplace that kids can eat at tonight, Kennedy,” Graham spoke from the hall, setting a struggling Nathan down on his feet.

Kennedy managed to stop the toddler’s charge before he slammed into her and lifted him to head to the fridge and find him some juice. She sat him in his high chair with a sippy cup and offered a cookie. Nathan immediately began to chew on the biscuit and then managed the cup with both hands.

“I’m sorry I was late getting back and didn’t leave a note, Graham,” she began.

Graham shrugged. “Lois called to say she would be late, so I figured you had Nathan out somewhere.”

“Oh, okay. Well, you take Nathan and go then. I have laundry to fold and some ironing to do.”

“Get your fucking purse, Kennedy.” He growled. “Enough of avoiding me, of avoiding Nathan.”

“Graham!” she gasped. “Nathan will repeat that word. You know he will.”

“I don’t know anything of the kind because you won’t talk with me about him. You are putting off those parent classes. You’re playing at being his big sister or some such shit.”

“’hit,” Nathan said cheerfully around a mouthful of cookie.

* * * *

The expression on Graham’s face nearly made Kennedy laugh, but she restrained herself.

“Get your purse.”

Kennedy meekly accompanied Graham and Nathan to the vehicle. Graham strapped Nathan into his car seat, ignoring the child’s protests, and then distracted him with a stuffed toy. He drove in silence, his stifled emotions pouring over her. Graham pulled into a mom-and-pop restaurant that was attached to a child’s play zone. Kennedy didn’t even know those things existed, but they were apparently quite popular to judge by the number of vehicles in the lot.

They found a place to sit and ordered their meals, and then they took Nathan to the bouncing tent, full of multicolored balls. He moved in to sit with the other children fearlessly and was soon throwing balls and rolling and bouncing with the best of them.

“He’s going to be cranky tonight,” Kennedy observed.

“Why?” Graham asked flatly.

“Because he played hard at the park after his nap and he’ll be overtired,” she explained.

“Well, I guess we’ll just have to manage it,” Graham replied.

Kennedy bit her lip and avoided looking at Graham. He seemed upset and hostile. She wondered what had happened.

“Did you hear from George today?” she asked.

“No.”

Kennedy waited, but there was nothing else forthcoming. She moved to rescue Nathan from a tumble and gently chastised him when he pushed at her. He was already overtired, and she didn’t look forward to the meal.

Nathan didn’t like the food he was offered. He refused to try to feed himself and refused to be fed. He squirmed and writhed in this high chair and threw whatever he could reach. Graham looked more and more like a thundercloud, and Kennedy didn’t know if she should intervene or just let him figure it out. Graham hadn’t seen his son in anything other than a sunny mood because Lois and even Kennedy both knew how to head problems off with a good routine and had the luxury of a well-ordered household to do it in. She ate her meal quickly and watched Graham’s patience grow thinner.