Winning the Right Brother (17 page)

“I won’t,” Holly said. “I want to see him now.”

Will looked terribly young on the hospital bed, with an IV in his arm and some machine beeping on the table next to him. She stood there watching him, breathing when he breathed, for a long time. At some point a nurse came in and said they needed her at the front desk to fill out some more paperwork.

It was while she was doing that, her hand shaking as she tried to manipulate pen on paper, that Alex came up behind her.

“Holly, I’m so sorry.”

“It’s not your fault,” she said without looking at him. “It’s mine.” She finished the last page and pushed the clipboard across the counter to the medical receptionist. Alex took her arm and turned her gently to face him.

“Holly, there is no way you can blame yourself for this. If it’s anyone’s fault it’s mine. I let Will start that game even though he’s only fifteen—”

“He wanted to play. You couldn’t have stopped him.”

“I could have taken him out before that last series.”

“Why? Are you clairvoyant? Did you think that kid was going to hit him after the whistle like that?”

“Of course not, but I—”

Holly shrugged and started to walk away. “I told you, Alex, it’s my fault.”

“Holly, that’s insane! How can you possibly think that?”

“Because it is.”

“Holly, listen to me—”

“I have to go back in to Will.”

“Holly, wait. Before you go in there and start telling your son how this is all your fault, which is not what he needs to hear right now, take one minute and talk to me.”

Holly stopped walking and turned to face him. “Fine,” she said, her voice empty of emotion. They were in a quiet corner of the waiting room and Holly sat down on another hard plastic chair. “What do you want me to say?” she asked.

Alex stared at her for a moment and then sank down into the chair beside her.

“Tell me how this is your fault.”

Everything in her felt tight, and hard, and hot. “Because I let my guard down.” She met his eyes, and focused on
him for the first time. “Sitting there in the stands today, I realized that I’m in love with you. And I felt happy. Really happy, like a child feels, without—without reservations. As if everything was beautiful and wonderful and safe.” She took a deep breath and pressed her hands together in her lap. “And then look what happened.”

Alex leaned toward her. “You think Will got knocked unconscious because you realized you love me? Because you let yourself feel happy for two seconds?”

“Yes!” she said passionately. “This is what happens when you let yourself go. The first time, I got pregnant and my parents kicked me out of the house. The second time, I got drunk and hungover and I let our house burn down. And now this.”

Alex was staring at her as if she were speaking a foreign language. Suddenly it seemed very important to make him understand.

“It’s like a bargain I made years ago,” she said, and although she didn’t realize it, her voice was a little higher than usual, like a young girl’s. “I can have Will, I can keep him safe, but only if I—if I—you see, if I’m good, nothing bad will happen. If I don’t try to be happy, Will can be happy. And then I broke the bargain. I thought about myself, I let myself love you, and—oh, God, Will!”

Alex put one hand on each side of her face, gently. “Holly, that’s crazy. If you listened to yourself you’d see that. You’re talking like a frightened little girl, not a grown woman. You—”

Suddenly he stopped. “I get it now,” he said, half to himself. “I finally get it.”

Holly’s face was wet with tears again, and she brushed a hand across her eyes. “You get it, huh? What exactly do you get, Alex?”

He sat back and looked at her. “When you got pregnant. You were young and scared…still a kid, really. Your own parents were ashamed of you. You weren’t their perfect little girl anymore. You weren’t Brian’s perfect girlfriend anymore. The baby you hadn’t asked for took everything else away. And you took his side, fought for him against the whole world.”

He took a breath. “That’s one of the thousand reasons I love you, by the way. You gave birth to Will, and loved him and cared for him, and made a life for him without anybody’s help. Still, the loss of your old life had to hurt. You’re human. But you couldn’t blame Will, could you?”

Holly felt sick to her stomach for some reason. “Of course I couldn’t! Blame Will? He’s the best thing that ever happened to me!”

Alex nodded. “I know. I know he is. You couldn’t blame Will—so you blamed yourself. You still do. That’s why you’re not allowed to be happy. You’re still blaming yourself, even for things you have no control over.”

Holly breathed in through her nose. “That’s crazy,” she said tightly.

“I know it is. But it’s true. That’s the ‘bargain’ you were talking about. You’re punishing yourself for making a mistake when you were eighteen years old. A mistake that led to Will, who you love more than anything in your life. But you’re still to blame for being irresponsible, for letting your guard down. You think if you do it again, something else will be taken away. Like Will. Especially Will. So you don’t dare let yourself be happy.”

Holly’s head was pounding. “You’re nuts,” she spat out. “I’m not going to sit here and listen to this.”

“Fine. But you’ll have to grow up sometime, Holly. If you want to be a whole person, you’ll have to grow up.”

“Grow up? Damn it, Alex, I’ve always been grown up! I was
born
grown up!”

“Not really. Growing up means letting go of the past. Realizing that life is complicated and that people make mistakes. Realizing that bad things happen, and that you can’t prevent them by bargaining with your happiness. Growing up means knowing there are no guarantees, and still having the courage to risk your heart.”

Alex leaned toward her again, his hands gripping the arms of his chair as if he were trying not to reach out for her. “Not that it would have been such a risk with me. I love you, Holly. I’ll never love anyone else.”

Holly drew her knees up against her chest, wrapping her arms around her legs as if to protect herself. “But why?” she said. “Why do you love me? I don’t understand it. All I’ve ever done is push you away.”

He smiled a little. “Yeah, well, I’m not saying it’s been easy. In fact it’s been a major pain in the ass. But if you want to know, I’ll tell you.”

He drew a deep breath. “I love you because you bug me. Because you’re the most exasperating woman I’ve ever known. Because you got under my skin when I was sixteen years old, and worked your way into my heart.

“I love you because you gave Will the gifts you never had. Gifts I never got, either. You were mother and father to him, and put him ahead of everything else, and gave him all the unconditional love and support you never got from your own parents.

“I love you because underneath your mask you’re like a force of nature. You make love like that, you know. With passion. With everything you are. I think
you could love a man like that, too—if it was the right man. If you let yourself.”

He took another breath. “We belong together. I look at you and I know I’m home, because there isn’t any other place in the world I want to be.”

He stood up. “But I can’t keep asking you for something you can’t or won’t give. I can’t keep offering my heart when it’s the last thing in the world you want. It hurts too much, Holly.”

He looked toward the wing of the hospital where Will was. “If Will wants to see me anytime, day or night, call me and I’ll come.” And with that he was gone, pushing through the swinging doors that led outside to the parking lot.

For a long time after he left Holly just sat there, unable to move. Finally she struggled to her feet and went down the hall to Will’s room, and the sight of him sleeping peacefully was reassuring and terrifying at the same time. Alex’s words came back to her, and she knew that he’d been right, right about everything.

Suddenly, without warning, she slid down to the floor and started to cry.

She cried for what seemed like hours, and as the tears kept coming and coming and the sobs racked her body, Holly felt something deep inside her start to release. Something hard, and tight, and poisonous. Something that had been there a long time.

Eventually the tears slowed. And after a while she was quiet again, feeling empty and drained and oddly peaceful.

“Hey, Mom, please don’t cry. The doctor said it’s a mild concussion. I’m totally fine.”

Holly scrambled to her feet and looked at her only son, who had woken up and was smiling at her.

Her heart soared. “Will!” She knelt down at his bedside and smoothed his hair away from his face. “I wasn’t crying over you,” she said, giving him a watery smile. “I was crying over me.”

“Well, I like that. What kind of mom are you? I’ve got the IV and the beeping machines and a really bad headache, and you’re not crying over me?”

“Nope,” she said, kissing him on the forehead. “Because you’re totally fine. The doctor said so, remember?”

Will gave a dramatic sigh. “Years from now when I write my memoirs this is going to be a major chapter.”

Her smile turned into a grin. “Will it be as major as the chapter where your mother marries your high school coach?”

Will’s eyes widened. “Maybe I’m hallucinating. I think you should repeat that last thing.”

“You heard me.” Her smile faded. “Or at least, you’ll be able to have a chapter where your mother proposes to your high school coach. I’m not so sure he’s going to say yes.”

“You’re such a dope.”

“You know, Alex says the same thing. If I’m such a dope, why would he want to marry me?”

“Honestly, I have no idea. Maybe he thinks you’re cute.”

Holly ran a hand through her tangled hair. “Not right now, I’m not. I think I should wait a few days before I make my move. If my looks are all I have going for me…”

“Oh, no, you don’t,” Will said, looking stern. “Look, they’re going to kick you out of my room before long, and, anyway I need to rest. I do have a concussion, you know.”

“A mild concussion.”

“Okay, fine. The next time I want a little sympathy I’ll break both my legs. The point is, you could sit out there in the waiting room all night, or you could go to Alex’s house and ask him to marry you, so we can wrap this thing up and move on to living happily ever after. I expect to see the two of you here at my bedside tomorrow morning, hand in hand. I’ve waited long enough, and so has Alex.”

Holly raised one eyebrow. “Since when do you tell me what to do?”

“Since now. This is it, Mom. You’ve taught me everything I know about guts and courage and going after what you want. It’s time to practice what you preach.”

“All joking aside, Squirt, there’s a chance Alex will turn me down.”

“I suppose there is. Are you going to let that stop you?”

He was looking stern again, and Holly couldn’t keep the smile off her face. “No, I’m not,” she said, bending down to tuck the covers more closely around him and straightening up again. “Got any ideas on how I should propose?”

When she pulled up in Alex’s driveway, the only light in his house came from his bedroom window. She slipped in through the front door as quietly as she could, turning on one small lamp and moving silently through the living room as she looked for the CD she wanted.

Before she played it, she gathered all the candles she could find and lit them, scattering them around and lighting a pathway from the living room to the stairs. She looked terrible, her jeans and Wildcats sweatshirt stained and a little damp, her hair wild and her eyes still
red and swollen, but she couldn’t help that. And, after all, Alex had seen her look even worse.

She took a deep breath. Okay, she was ready. She walked over to the stereo and hit the play button.

And then Marvin Gaye’s voice was filling the house.

She stood in the middle of the living room and waited, and before long Alex was coming down the stairs, past all the candles she had lit, until he stood just a few feet away from her.

“What’s going on?” he asked, his voice carefully neutral. He was wearing a pair of gray sweatpants, barefoot and bare chested, and it was so good to see him again she felt tears pricking behind her eyes.

She took a deep breath. “Will sent me here,” she said, and then shook her head. “No, I mean, I wanted to come. I wanted to tell you—to tell you—” She paused, biting her lip, while he just looked at her.

Damn him, anyway. Why couldn’t he back her up against a wall again?
Make
her say it? What if she didn’t have the courage to say it on her own?

She took another breath. “What I mean to say—what I want to say—”

Alex folded his arms across his chest. “You’re terrible at this.”

“Shut up. What I want to say—what I mean to say—okay, you’re right, I suck. Dammit, Alex, I—I love you. I want—that is—will you dance with me?” she asked, holding out her hand.

Alex was still for a moment. “That depends,” he said finally, and Holly’s hand dropped to her side. Alex took a step closer, and then another, until he was right in front of her. For a long minute they stood like that, and then Alex took both her hands in his. “Will you marry me, Holly?”

She took two quick steps backward. “What? No! I mean, I was supposed to ask you! I thought I’d ask you to dance first, you know, to sort of work up to it, but then you jumped the gun and—”

Alex was grinning now. “Will you marry me, Holly?”

She came close again, her eyes meeting his. “Yes,” she said, and joy flooded through her, unadulterated by any doubt or fear. She knew Alex could see all that joy, burning through her like sunlight, and then he was kissing her and that burned too, and Holly wondered how she’d ever been able to walk away from this. At least that was one mistake she’d never make again.

“We have to tell Will,” Alex said, when they could finally pull away from one another.

“Visiting hours are over. We can’t see him till tomorrow morning.”

Alex thought about it. “Want to make out in the hospital waiting room?”

For some reason that made Holly burst into tears. “Yes, I do,” she managed to say, throwing her arms around Alex. “I really, really do.”