Authors: Amber Garza
FOURTEEN
COLT
K
issing Paige is the single most exciting experience of my life. Never before has anything in my life been this amazing, this pure, this right. My existence up to this point has been a series of shitty experiences, all tripping over each other in effort to top the last one. But this moment just cut into all that, overshadowing all the pain and darkness with one colorful splash of light. I wish I could just hold Paige in my arms forever, to never stop feeling her lips on mine or her hands trailing up my flesh. If only I didn’t have to let go. If only this moment never had to end.
I squeeze her tighter, kiss her more firmly. Her mouth is like a soothing balm, her lips like a miracle drug, and her touch heals me from the inside out. For the first time in my life, I want to give of myself, to open up and trust another human being. I don’t want to run away
again. In fact, I’m still a little angry with myself for running off earlier. It was a stupid move. I can tell she thinks it’s because I don’t want to tell her about my parents, but that’s not it at all. Paige is the first person I can see myself sharing the whole crappy story too. No, the reason I ran off was because of the look in her eyes. There was so much tenderness and compassion in them. It brought up a well of emotions that scared the shit out of me. I couldn’t stay there another minute while she looked at me like that. It would break me, and I didn’t want to fall apart in front of Paige. But as I raced down the beach, I felt like a dick. She was just trying to help, and I pushed her away. What kind of guy does that? A broken one, that’s who does that.
But now I don’t want to go anywhere. I want to stay right here with Paige and see where this leads. And for the very first time ever, I’m not afraid. I want this more than anything in the world.
Frustration burns through me when Hadley and Tripp swim in our direction, interrupting. When Paige pulls away from me, unhooking her legs, I want to cry out. My body feels empty, lonely without her wrapped her around it. I’m grateful that she at least keeps her hands on me, that she doesn’t completely let go. At this point, I don’t think I can handle her slipping from my grasp. For one second, my breath escapes me, and I think I might pass out. The severity of the situation crashes over me, causing me to feel sick. Am I falling for this girl?
I think I am, and that’s never happened before. She makes me want to be different. She makes me want to change.
Only I’m not sure if it’s possible.
Even so, I plan to try.
When I glance at Paige I notice her sunglasses are askew on her face and her hair is spilling out of her bun. I chuckle, smoothing some of the strands back with my slick hands.
“Sorry about that,” I say gruffly.
Paige eyes me through the dark lenses and I catch my reflection in them. It’s then that I realize my hair is pretty messed up too, and sweat covers my face. “I’m not,” Paige says. “I’m not sorry at all. This is the best trip to the lake I’ve ever had. Hell, this is the best day
I’ve ever had period.” She winks at me. Just then Hadley’s head pops up from underwater right next to us.
Paige giggles nervously
, releasing her hold on me. “Hey, Hads.”
“
Watcha guys up to you?” Hadley winks, and Paige’s face colors.
Tripp’s head pops up next to Hadley and he draws her to him. Paige swims closer to me, circling her arm around my waist, and resting her head on my shoulder. Maybe this isn’t so bad after
all.
“You guys
wanna swim out to that buoy?” Tripp asks, pointing.
“Sure,” Hadley responds with a smile.
I turn to Paige with a wink.
She smiles
knowingly and then looks at Tripp. “Um…no. We’ll just wait here for you.”
“Suit yourself. Come on, Hadley.” Tripp glances at his girlfriend before ducking back underwater.
“Yeah, you better get a head start because I’m totally beating you,” Hadley calls after him before throwing her body into the soft waves.
The minute they’re out of sight, I pull Paige to me and crush my lips to hers once again. As her mouth melds to mine, everything around us falls away. All of my worries, fears, and pain dissipate. The only thing I can think about is this beautiful girl in my arms, and it causes something foreign to stir inside of me.
Even though I’ve never felt it before, instinctually I know that it’s hope.
Early evening, Paige drives me home. The car smells like fish and lake water and my skin is chapped and a little burned. Still I wouldn’t change a thing. My chest tightens when we pull up in front of Aunt Callie’s house. The reality hits me that the day is over and sadness falls over my shoulders like a thick blanket. The front curtain opens and Zander’s little face presses against the glass, his nose upturned like a pig’s snout.
Paige g
iggles, clicking the car to idle and cranking up the AC. “He really loves you.”
“Yeah.
A little too much. Poor kid.”
Aunt Callie appears, yanking
Zander out of the window and the curtain falls back into place. I’m grateful that I still have a few moments of privacy with Paige. I’m not quite ready to say goodbye yet. This whole day has felt a little too good to be true. I want to believe that tomorrow will hold the same thing that today did, but I’ve never been very optimistic. And a part of me feels like this will all disappear the same way a dream does when I wake up in the morning.
“Is there really such a thing as loving someone too much?” Paige asks.
I glance at her wet hair and fresh face. “Yes, there is.”
She grabs my hands, threading her fingers through mine. “The way I see it, love is a gift. If someone loves you they’re giving you a gift and you should treasure it.”
“They’re also giving you their heart and that’s a scary thing, because a heart can be broken.” I swallow thickly. “Zander has had his heart broken too many times. I don’t want to be the reason it happens again.”
Paige nods. “Then don’t be.”
“If only it worked like that.” I smile sadly.
She
runs a fingertip over my palm. “I don’t think Zander will ever regret loving you, Colt. I can see in his eyes that he adores you, and it’s obvious that you’ve done something to earn that.” Leaning in close, she says, “So stop selling yourself short. You’re a great guy.” She angles her face toward mine. This time she takes the initiative and before I can register what’s happening her soft lips are over mine. Reaching up, I touch her face, tracing my fingertips up her cheeks and then running them through her hair. Our lips part and she breathes deeply. “I don’t want this day to end.”
“Me either.” I look into her eyes. “But it has to.”
“I know.” She drops her gaze.
Tucking my finger under her chin, I lift her face. “Thanks for today,
McAllistor. I had fun.” I kiss her swiftly on the cheek and then reach for the door handle.
“Colt.”
I turn to her.
“What are we?”
“You mean, other than human?” I joke.
“No, I mean,
how do we define our relationship? What can I call you? It seems weird to call you my friend at this point. Can I say that you’re my boyfriend?”
“No way.”
Her face falls, and I wish I could shove the impulsive words back into my mouth.
“
McAllistor.” I reach for her hand, snatching it up. “I didn’t mean it in a bad way. It’s just that I don’t believe in labels.”
“Wow.
Labels, angels and promises. I’m going to have to get a list going,” Paige teases me.
“I really am sorry about earlier,” I say softly.
She shakes her head. “Hey, I get it. In fact, I’m sorta glad you don’t make empty promises. I remember when I was little my mom used to promise me that she’d always be here for me. The first time she got sick I got so angry with her. I felt like she was breaking her promise, you know? I mean, the cancer could kill her and then she wouldn’t be here for me. So maybe you’re right. Maybe promises are impossible to keep.”
It makes me feel sad that she understands; that she’s jaded like me.
Paige nudges me. “But I can’t wait to hear what you have against the word ‘boyfriend’.”
She says it with a smile, but I can hear the seriousness underneath and I know I’ve hurt her. I have to make sure I explain this right. “It’s just that labels
don’t mean anything. Look at my mom. Does the fact that she gave birth me really make her a mom? And my dad. The most fatherly thing he ever did was put his name on my birth certificate. And then there’s poor Aunt Callie. She’s stuck with the three of us just because of the “aunt” label.”
“I don’t think she feels stuck with you. From what I saw I think she really loves you guys.”
Her words sink into my heart, and I desperately want to believe them. “I just think that putting a label on what we have will cheapen it. I don’t want to call you my girlfriend because then it will be like I own you or something - like we’re obligated to each other. You’re not my friend or my girlfriend. You’re my only.”
“
Your only?”
“Yeah.
The only girl I’ve ever really connected with. The only girl I’ve ever kissed or held. The only girl I want to be with, and certainly the only one I notice.”
“I can live with that.” She smiles.
“You deserve someone much better than me. You deserve a guy who can give you guarantees and promises. I can’t do that. I can only give you right now, this moment.”
“I’ll take it.”
“You will?”
“Colt, I’ll take whatever you can give me for as long as it lasts.”
“You’re crazy,” I say, tangling my fingers in hers.
“No, the crazy thing would be to walk away from this. We’re perfect for each other, Colt. I’ve known it from the first moment I saw you.”
A teasing smile spreads across my face. “No, the first time you saw me you thought I was a criminal.”
Paige chuckles. “Wrong. The first time I saw you I was incredibly attracted to you. It wasn’t until I was robbed a few minutes later that I thought you might be.” Our gazes collide. “I’m so glad you proved me wrong. What kind of girl would I be if I was falling for a criminal?”
Her words catch me off guard, slamming into my gut like a sucker punch. I pull my hands away from hers and scoot backward until the bac
k of my head hits the window. “Um…I have to go. Thanks again for today.” Reaching behind me, I fumble for the door handle. When my fingers light on it, I yank the door open and step outside.
“Colt?”
Paige’s eyebrows are knit together.
“See
ya later,” I call as I hurry up the walkway. Without looking backward, I shove open the front door and slip inside the house. It’s not until the door is safely closed behind me, that I allow my chest to expand. I take deep heaving breaths. Everything had been going so well, and I foolishly allowed myself to believe that it was okay. I started to allow myself to believe that this thing between Paige and I could work. But then with one statement she reminded me that it can’t. Not like I’m surprised. A girl like Paige isn’t going to be satisfied with a guy like me. It’s just like I told her – she deserves better. She just doesn’t realize it yet. Right now, I’m just the exciting new boy in town. The one with the tattoos and piercings who is mysterious and has endured enough pain that I can empathize with what she’s going through. But in the end she’ll learn the truth, the whole ugly tale, and she won’t want anything more to do with me.
It’ll be just like all the other times.
FIFTEEN
PAIGE
I
drive home from Colt’s house feeling super confused. Why is it that every time I’m with him I feel like I’ve endured whiplash? His emotions are all over the place. I wish he’d trust me enough to let me in on whatever is swirling around in that head of his. He’s clearly been hurt significantly, and not in the same way that I have been. No, he’s been hurt at the hands of someone else, like neglect or abuse. And it’s made him question his worth.
It’s funny because when I’m with him, I feel so special. He has a way of making me feel important, like I’m the only person in the world. And he is a good guy even if he doesn’t think he is. He’s incredibly kind and loving. If only I could make him see that. If only I could help him believe he’s worthy and special. Then maybe he’d let me in.
When I get home I have a text from Hadley.
Hadley: Things are pretty hot and heavy with u and Colt, huh?
A half an hour ago, I would have agreed. Now I’m not so sure.
Me: Sort of.
Hadley: It l
ooked that way from what I saw.
Me: It’s complicated.
Hadley: Like I said, be careful with that one. I don’t want u getting hurt.
Me: I know. I will.
I shove the phone back in my pocket, and wonder when Hadley became my mom. The thought causes my stomach to clench. I don’t need anyone else to mother me. My mom is still here, and hopefully she will be for a long time. I’m not ready to lose her yet. As I head inside the house, the scent of cookies baking permeate the air. Even in the summertime my mom can spend hours in the kitchen baking in a hot oven. I hear the ball game playing on the TV in the family room, so I know that’s where Dad is. Following the heavenly smell, I walk into the kitchen. Mom is prying chocolate chip cookies off of a cookie sheet with a spatula and depositing them on her cooling rack. For one moment, I can pretend it’s just a normal Saturday afternoon and Mom is still in remission.
I take a few steps, my flip flops slapping on the hardwood floors. Mom’s head whips in my direction.
“There you are,” she says with a large smile. After wiping her hands on the apron tied around her waist, she picks up a warm cookie and approaches me. “Fresh from the oven just the way you like.”
Mom drops the cookie into my hand and it warms my palm. Chocolate sticks to my skin. “Thanks, Mom.” I pop it into my mouth and savor the chocolaty goodness.
“Looks like you got a little sun.” She touches my shoulder.
I peer over at the little bit of pink rising on my skin. Usually I’
m so anal about reapplying sunblock. I guess I was too preoccupied with Colt to remember.
“Did you have a good time?” She’s hardly wearing any makeup and I’m struck with how young and vital she looks. It’s so weird to me that she can be sick and yet look so healthy.
“Yeah, the best,” I answer honestly.
“Really?”
Her eyebrows jump up. “I can’t wait to hear all about it.” She points to the beach bag over my shoulder. “Go shower and put your stuff away. I’ll pour you some milk and get the rest of the cookies out of the oven and we can chat.”
“Okay.” I smile. “I’ll be right back.” When I head out of the kitchen, I pass the family room. Dad waves from his recliner. I wave back and then bound up the stairs.
After throwing my bag in my room, I walk across the hall to the bathroom and step inside. Taking in my reflection I notice that my face is a little burned as well. But it’s not bad, and the truth is that it makes me look alive. Thinking of Mom waiting for me downstairs, I whirl around and turn on the shower. I tell myself not to think about the future or what Mom’s illness holds. I force myself to focus on today, on the fact that I get to go downstairs and share cookies and milk with her. That I get to tell her about my day and exchange jokes and stories.
It’s like Colt says. All we can promise each other is today, this moment. And I’m going to savor it, not ruin it with thoughts of tomorrow.
After a hurried shower, I change into shorts and a t-shirt and a run a brush through my wet hair. As I skip down the stairs the scent of my floral shampoo wafts from the soaked strands. Mom is waiting at the kitchen table, a plate of cookies and two glasses of milk in front of her. Smiling, I take the seat across from her and reach for a cookie. Even though we haven't had dinner yet I know Mom won't care if I eat more than one cookie. In fact, when my sister and I were younger sometimes we would have backwards night. That's when we would eat our dessert before dinner. Only I would stuff myself so thoroughly with dessert and never have room for dinner. It never bothered Mom, though, since her first love is baked goods and sweets.
"So, tell me why this day was so great, Paige?" Mom leans forward, her eyes alight with curiosity. The sun is going down in the window behind her and the sky is awash in bright pink. The colors circle her head like a halo. "By the way you've been acting I suspect it has to do with a boy. Am I right?"
Despite my best efforts to keep my mouth neutral, I feel the corners curve upward. Usually I tell my mom everything, but since she's sick again, I hadn't talked to her about Colt. Now I feel kind of bad about it. I take a tiny nibble out of my cookie and then swallow it down. "Yeah, I did sort of meet someone special."
"He must be special if he makes you smile like that." Mom reaches for her own cookie. Then she dunks it in her milk. "Tell me all about him."
"His name's Colt. He just moved here a few weeks ago. He actually works with me at the coffee shop."
"What does he look like?" Mom pulls her cookie out of the milk. It drips on her hand as she takes a bite.
"He's cute. Really cute." My parents don't care about piercings and tattoos the way a lot of parents do so I know that Colt's won't bother them. They've gotten used to my eccentric style over the years and now they don't even bat an eye when I come home with a different hair color or new piercing. They have put their foot down about tattoos, but only because of my age. Once I turn eighteen they've said I can do what I want. "He has dark brown hair and dark eyes. He's tall but not lanky. He's actually pretty built." My cheeks flush when I remember touching his chest at the lake. "He has a lip ring, a tongue bar and some tattoos."
"So what you're saying is that he's perfect for you?" Mom laughs around a mouthful of cookie. "Speaking of which
, what color is your hair right now?"
I hold a strand in between my fingers and glance down. "Not sure. It was supposed to be purple streaks, but they turned out a little darker than I wanted."
Mom's hand juts out, covering mine. "Whatever it is, it looks beautiful."
I swallow down the unwanted emotion bubbling up in my throat. "Thanks," I croak out.
"And I can't wait to meet Colt. Invite him over this week for dinner."
"Okay." I pause, thinking. "But can you really handle that? I mean, when are you starting chemo again?" It's not where I wanted the conversation to go, but I have to know. I can't invite Colt over if Mom's going to be sick the whole time he's here.
"This week. Tuesday. But I'll be fine, honey. I've done it before and I survived, remember?"
I nod, wanting to believe her words so bad I can't stand it. Lowering my hand, I drop my half eaten cookie on the table, unable to take another bite.
"Paige?" She raises her eyebrows.
"Okay. I'll invite him over," I say to appease her.
"Good." She smiles, pulling her hand back. "Now I better make some dinner. Dad wants something more than just cookies tonight." She waggles her eyebrows. "Why did I ever marry that man?"
I giggle, knowing she's joking. She and Dad love each other so much.
"Why don't you go call Colt about dinner this week and I'll start cooking." She pushes her chair back and stands up, signaling the end of our conversation.
"Alright."
As I head back upstairs I wonder if Colt will want to come over for dinner or if he'll hate meeting my parents the same way he hates labels and promises. As I sit on my bed, cell phone in hand I feel anxious. I've already pushed him away twice today. Do I really want to do it again?
My fingers hover over the touch screen, trembling. Finally I decide to just
wait and talk to him when I pick him up for work tomorrow. Then I realize that I only know he's working because I checked his schedule during my last shift. Seriously, can you say stalker? Ugh. I'm totally turning into one. I fling my body down onto the bed, my hair fanning out around me. As I lie down staring at my ceiling, my mind wanders to my kiss in the lake with Colt. It was amazing, better than I ever imagined. I run my fingers over my lips, remembering how his lip ring felt against my mouth and how his tongue bar felt sliding over my tongue. I close my eyes, picturing the intense look on his face, the way he stared into my eyes like he was seeing the sun for the first time. I know Colt cares about me, even if he sometimes acts distant. And I care about him. A lot.
He may seem so broken and lost, but he's helped me so much. He's already taught me more about life than almost anyone I've ever met. And he makes me feel alive; incredibly alive. I don't want to lose him. Not now.
Maybe not ever.
There's no way I'm letting him walk to work early in the morning so I have to call him. If I just show up he'll know I checked his schedule. I sit up, giving myself major head rush. After stabilizing, I dial his number.
"Hello," his aunt answers.
"Hi, Callie.
It's Paige. Is Colt around?" I hold my breath as she goes to get him. The way he ran off when I dropped him worries me. I hope he wants to talk to me.
"Hey,
McAllistor."
I release the breath I'd been holding the minute his sarcastic tone comes on the line. "Hey."
"What's up? You didn't get enough of me earlier?"
"Nope.
Not at all," I say honestly.
"I
t's the tongue bar, isn't it?"
"You got me."
"Uh oh. So does this mean I have to worry about you mauling me at work to get another taste of it? Because I have to warn you that I take my job very seriously."
"Says the guy who chased me around with a towel on his first day."
"I really think that says more about your training technique than my work ethic."
I giggle, so happy that we
are bantering like this. "I hardly think that's true."
"Either way,
I'm happy to give you a sampling of my tongue bar when you pick me up in the morning."
My stomach flips. I wipe my sweaty hands on my plush comforter while holding the cell between my face and shoulder. "How do you know I'm picking you up?"
"Isn't that why you're calling? I mean, I know we're both working the same shift tomorrow."
"How do you know?"
"I sort of checked yours," he answers softly.
"That's okay. I sort of checked yours too," I respond. "I guess we're both stalkers, huh?"
"Speak for yourself. I just wanted a ride."
A laugh launches from my throat. "Oh, I'm so not picking you up now."
"Yes, you will," he says.
"What makes you so sure?"
"Because I'm guessing you can't wait to see me again as much as I can't wait to see you."
"You can't wait to see me, huh?"
"I'm seriously counting down the minutes."