Winning Me Over (17 page)

TWENTY-EIGHT

COLT

W
hen I get back to Aunt Callie’s, Mom is asleep on the couch. Her stringy brown hair falls limply over the armrest, and her mouth hangs open. Mascara smudges line her eyes, and the veins in her eyelids remind me of colorful spider webs. Her frame is still gaunt, her legs and arms bony. I stare at her wishing I could feel anything but irritation and anger. But my love for her seems to have gotten lost over the years, buried in some unknown location.

“Did you go see Paige?” Callie’s voice startles me.

I whip around. She’s standing in the doorway of the kitchen wearing a t-shirt and gym shorts. Her hair falls in soft, thick waves over her shoulders.

“Yeah.”
I nod.

“So things are good between you two now?”

I shrug. “I guess. I mean, other than the fact that I have to leave.”

Mom snorts from the couch. Callie’s gaze flickers over to her, darkening momentarily. “I didn’t know she was coming,” she says apologetically.

“She’s sort of known for showing up unexpectedly.”  I turn away from her, making my way down the hallway.

“Colt.”

I stop and peer over my shoulder.

Aunt Callie wears a pensive expression on her face. “Do you want to go back with her?”

“It doesn’t matter what I want,” I respond, and then continue back to my room. Well, it’s not my room anymore, I guess. Just the room I’m occupying until we leave. As I close the door I think about how happy I am that I never decorated, or unpacked for that matter. Paige had said that it looks like a hotel room, and I guess that’s kind of what it is. It’s temporary, just like everything else in my life. Then I remember my conversation with Paige. I guess I finally have something in my life that’s not temporary now.

“Colt?”
The door pops open and Zander peeks inside. His hair is sticking out all over his head and he wears his superhero pajamas.

“Hey, c
hamp. Come in.” I sit down on the edge of the bed as Zander pads across the room and jumps up next to me. The bed creaks when he lands.

“Do we really have to go home?” His lower lip trembles, and it kills me.

“Yeah. I’m afraid we do.” I tousle his hair with my hand.

“But I like it here. I want to stay with Aunt Callie.”

“I know, but we can’t. Mom came to get us, and we have to go home with her.”

He scoots closer to me, drawing his forehead together. “But Aunt Callie was going to take me to see a movie this weekend.”

My heart squeezes. “I’m sorry, buddy.”

His face drops. Then I remember that I still have some money left. I should save it to help feed us when we get back, but I can’t stand the thought of
Zander having to miss out on a movie when he was looking forward to it so much. “Hey, I’ll take you to a movie this weekend, okay?”

Zander
forces a smile. “Okay. But I still don’t want to go back, Colt. I have friends here, and Aunt Callie is so nice. We always have food, and Aunt Callie tucks me in at night and reads me stories.”

I swallow hard. What I want to tell him is that everything is going to be okay, but I know I can’t. It’s not fair to lie to him, to give him false hope. “I know it’s going to be hard,
Zander. I like it here too. And there are people here that I’m going to miss as well.”

“Like Paige?” He raises his eyebrows.

Just hearing her name causes my stomach to roll. “Yeah, like Paige.”

 
Zander tucks his hand in mine. “So, let’s stay then.”

“I wish we could, c
hamp, but Aunt Callie isn’t our mom. We can’t stay with her forever.”

“It’s not fair.” He sticks out his lower lip in a pout.

“Hey, we’re going to get through this. I’ll be with you, Zander, and I’ll take care of you just like I always do. And you want to know why?”

“Why?”

I inhale sharply, gathering courage to say what I need to. “Because I love you, Zander. Very much.”

He throws his arms around my neck. “I love you too, Colt.”

I wrap my arms around him and hold him close. His little body trembles against mine.

“Can I sleep in here tonight, Colt?” He asks.

I nod.

“Okay, I’ll just go grab my blanket and be right back.”

As he scurries from the room, I blow out a breath. He slept with me the first several nights we were here, but then he got comfortable and starting sleeping in the room across the hall. I hate that my mom came back. I hate that her presence makes Zander nervous and scared again.

When
Zander returns he crawls onto my bed, clutching his blanket tightly in his fist. He lies down, pressing his face into my pillow and drapes the blanket over his body. I strip down and pull on some pajama pants and a t-shirt. Then I flick off the wall switch and climb into bed next to Zander. Once my eyes adjust to the darkness, I stare at my little brother’s profile. His eyes are closed and his lips are parted. I stroke his hair until his breathing becomes even, and I’m grateful that he has slipped into his dreams. Dropping my arm, I lean back against the opposite edge of the pillow and stare up at the ceiling. I think about how great things were here, about how happy Zander and Bristol were. And about how different I was becoming. I wonder if going back to San Francisco will ruin all that. Will I turn into the old Colt again? Will I slip right back into my old skin as quickly as I had shed it here?

I picture our di
rty apartment littered with ashtrays, needles and pipes. My stomach clenches when I envision our empty fridge and broken appliances. Dad spends most of his time tweaking, and when he’s high he thinks he can fix anything. So he takes apart our appliances in an attempt to put them back together. Only he never finishes them. Eventually he crashes from his high, leaving the remains of his project strewn over the kitchen counters or living room floor. And it never gets cleaned up or fixed. We just learn to step over it and do without.

Since being here
I’d cleaned up my act, but it won’t be as easy back home. We’ll be hungry and alone again. I vow to find a real job this time in order to support Zander and Bristol, even if it will mean being away from them. That’s always the issue. I hate to leave them for hours at a time knowing they are neglected. But I know I can’t go back to my old ways. Not if I want to make it back here.

Zander
stirs beside me, and I roll my head toward him. How can I come back here and leave Zander and Bristol though? The thought rips at my heart. Will Paige wait for me for years? I can’t even ask her to do that, can I?

I feel tears of frustration burning at the back of my eyes, but I blink them back. I will not cry. I will not let my parents do this to me. Anger burns through me. Why did she have to come back here and ruin everything?

I’m certain we will be leaving tomorrow. Mom won’t be able to stay here very long. She’ll feel the pull of the drugs, and when she does she’ll be itching to leave quickly. It’s only a matter of time. Quietly, I slip off the bed and walk to the desk in the corner. I’ve never used anything on it, but the first night I was here I opened the cabinet and saw paper inside. Now I open it and pull out a few fresh pages. I locate a pen and sit down. With only the moonlight as my guide, I start to write.

I start with
Dear Paige
and then stop, wrinkling my nose. I crumble up that piece of paper, toss it aside and pull out a new one. On this I start with
McAllistor
, and then I just let the words flow. Writing has always been the easiest way for me to express my feelings. When I was younger I used to write poems and stories in order to deal with my pain. Tonight I just want Paige to know me. I want to leave her with something. And my words are all I have to give.

“Alright, kids, get your stuff together. We need to get home.” Mom speaks in her raspy voice.

“You’re leaving today?” Aunt Callie looks shocked. “What’s the hurry? Why don’t you stay a few more days? Maybe the kids can show you around town.”

Zander nods desperately, and I can tell he’s hoping Mom will agree. My chest tightens at the gesture, because I know exactly what Mom will say.

Mom waves away her words.
“Nah. Adam is waiting for me. We have to get back.”

Zander’s
shoulders slump. I place my hand on his back, irritated with Mom for using Dad as an excuse to go back when we all know the only thing she cares about is drugs.

“I’m sure Adam will understand.
I know my brother. He can endure a few days alone. Besides, it’s such a long drive and you only just got here,” Aunt Callie pushes and I wonder why she’s doing this.

Mom’s face hardens. “No. We’re leaving today and that’s final.”

“Fine. But I have to do something before we leave.” I pat the letter that’s tucked inside my pocket and start walking toward the front door.

“Colt,”
Zander cries out, running behind me. He tugs on my arm and I turn to him. “You’re coming back, right?”

“Of course.”
I kneel down in front of him. “What did I tell you last night?”

“That you love me.”
Zander smiles, and it makes me feel so bad that I didn’t say it sooner. I should have.

“Yes, I said that. But I also said that I would take care of you. Remember?”

He nods.

“I won’t leave you.” I look pointedly at Mom who just shakes her head as if this whole thing is just a little too melodramatic for her liking.
Well, screw her.

“Thank you, Colt,”
Zander whispers as I stand up.

“See you soon, c
hamp.” When I reach for the door, my gaze lands on Callie. Her bottom lip is quivering and there are traces of tears in her eyes. It throws me. Shouldn’t she be happy to finally be rid of us? Without thinking on it further, I thrust open the door and step outside. By the time I reach the curb I spot a car racing down the street. When I take in how badly the driver is swerving, I know that it’s Paige.

I step back on the curb as she pulls over and cuts the engine. She hops out of the vehicle and rushes me, practically knocking me over. Her arms circle my neck and she kisses me fiercely.

“Oh, thank God you’re still here!” She nestles into my neck, still gripping me tightly.

“I wasn’t going to leave without s
aying goodbye to you.” I speak into her hair. Ever since I told her I like it down she seems to wear it like that a lot. The observation reminds me of how much I’m giving up by leaving. If only there was a way to stop this from happening I’d do it. I’d do almost anything to stay here with Paige, with Aunt Callie, in a place where Zander feels safe and happy.

“When you told me that your mom was impulsive I was worried. I thought maybe you wouldn’t have a choice but to leave without saying goodbye.”

“I wouldn’t let her.” I brush the hair from her face and kiss her cheeks gently. “There’s no way I could leave without kissing you one last time.”

“One last time?”
Panic ravages her features. “I thought you said you were coming back.”

“I will. I just don’t know when. I have to make sure
Zander and Bristol are okay before leaving them.” I run my fingertip along her chin.

“When do you leave?”

I sigh. “Today.”

Biting her lip, she nods.

“I have something for you.” I take a step back and pull the letter out of my pocket. “We don’t have a phone at my house. We don’t really have anything that cuts into my parents’ drug money.” Paige’s face darkens at my words, and then I wish I hadn’t said them.  “So I thought we could write each other. Here’s my first attempt.” I thrust the paper into her hand. “My address is inside.”

“A letter, huh? How old fashioned.” She smiles.

“I know. Sorry. That’s just the way it has to be right now.”

“No. I was just teasing. I love it.” She steps forward, reaching for me. After drawing me to her, she holds me so tight I can barely breathe. “I’m going to miss this so much.”

“Me too, McAllistor.”

“Whoa. What’s going on here?” My mom’s husky voice cuts into our moment.

I whirl around, irritation surging through my veins. First she comes back here forcing us to leave, and now she can’t even give me one moment alone with Paige to say goodbye? “Mom, this is Paige,” I say through gritted teeth. “My…” Glancing over at Paige, I thread my fingers through hers. “My girlfriend.”

Mom looks stunned. Not that I blame her. I never had a girlfriend back home. “So she’s the reason your brother’s all worried you aren’t coming back with us.”

Anger ignites deep in my gut. “No, Mom, the reason Zander is afraid is because he’s used to people he loves abandoning him.”

“Grow up, Colt.” Mom digs a pack of cigarettes out of her pocket. “No one abandoned him. I’m right here.” She drops a cigarette into her palm, sticks it in her mouth and then yanks out a lighter.

“Yeah, for now,” I say, unable to stop. I’m so angry I can’t even see straight. “But what happens next week or next month? Will you lose your freaking mind and unload us on someone new?”