Who I Became (Who I Was Book 2) (5 page)

I can’t believe the words coming out of his mouth.  I see what she liked in him.  He is a good guy after all.

“What?” I squeak.

“You might be in it.  I know she is probably hurting knowing I’m in here. She is one of my best friends and always will be. She is too caring, to a fault almost. So I know, just like you, she will be blaming herself. So that may suck but nothing would hurt her more than you being in this bed or not and being six-feet under.  However, that’s not even the worst thing, if your actions weren’t in the order they were in, if you tried to change anything... If you could get in a time machine and change any of those what-if’s flying around in your head, she may not be in her bed either.  I may not like you right now, but I think I could. I trust you and respect the love you two share. So you did everything you could and YOU. ARE. NOT. TO. BLAME.”

I stay stunned silent.  It helps a little. Does his speech help with all my doubt? No.  Will I always regret how this panned out, bringing us to this moment no matter how it all turns out? Yes. However, that being said, I can sleep a little better knowing he doesn’t blame me. 

“Why would you try to make me feel better?”

“Because, I need you focused. As focused as you can be because the battle has just begun.  You are going to have to go to the front lines for our side.  It is going to get ugly, and dangerous. I need you one-hundred percent able to keep her alive.”

“Thank you.”

“Now, I am tired, and need my rest or so they keep telling me so get out.”

I do as he asks without hesitation, and I go straight to her room.  I am so relieved when I step in and see her beautiful smile laughing with Parker.  That smile has been hidden for so long.  Her face is so bright with it on there, the yellowing from her bruises almost gone and that smile—shit, it’s the best thing I have ever seen.

CHAPTER SEVEN

WESSON

The next week is both the longest week of my life and the quickest to pass at the same time.  I am anxious and yet excited to be getting us out of here.  Parker and I each have taken turns leaving the hospital for random things here and there. Neither of us feels comfortable to be away at the same time, leaving her alone or to be away for long periods of time.  Vanessa says she has been spending her time off stocking up the cabin.  We will forever be in her debt for everything she is doing for us.  I spend the rest of the time in or right around Lillian’s room.  Surprisingly, she hasn’t kicked me out yet or gotten annoyed that I am always around. I am extremely grateful for that.  However, at the same time she doesn’t remember. I think that she wants to but she just can’t.  So we just spend the time getting to know each other.

Our last night at the hospital, Parker heads out to get some of the last minute things ready with Vanessa.  I stay. We are sitting in her room watching TV and eating dinner.  She leans back after finishing and looks over at me, watching me.  I glance at her and give her a smirk, so she knows she’s been caught.  That’s when I see the tears in her eyes.  I rush closer to her and get right in her face but she just shakes her head to clear the tears and to tell me she is okay. Bullshit.

“What’s wrong? Don’t be scared love, we got this.”

She smiles, it’s forced but she does. Her eyes are less moist and she continues to search my eyes.  She takes a deep breath, getting ready to say something.  As she takes her big breath, I hold mine.  I am sure she is going to tell me she remembers.  This is it.

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay baby, it’s okay. Please you have nothing to be sorry for.”

We are just barely above a whisper and inches apart.

“I do, I am sorry I don’t remember you.  I am sorry we are in this mess. I am sorry about Mia.”

“How do you know about Mia?”

“Well-” She starts then scoots back a little so she can see me better.

“I have been stuck in this hospital room for a long time.  People talk, almost forgetting that I am here.  That and you had a few nightmares. I can tell you love her. I know she is with Lucas now. I am sorry he took her and not me.”

Fuck me. There is no right way for me to say this. Of course I don’t want my sister in those bastards’ hands but if I say that, it sounds like I would be okay with her being with him.  That couldn’t be further from the truth.  If I say I am glad she isn’t with Lucas then it’s like I don’t care about Mia.  They are the only two women in my life that I love more than anything.

“Please don’t be sorry. You are not at fault okay? This whole situation is fucked up.  I would hate either of you being with him. Neither of you being with him would ever be okay with me. Do you understand?”

“I don’t, but again, I am sure that’s because I can’t remember. So I can’t understand right?”

It’s like she was asking herself as much as asking me.  I hate this. I hate we aren’t able to communicate on the level we used to.

“You will love, and when you do, I’ll be here.  We will be getting Mia, and then it will all be over with.  What I want, no, what I need is for you both to be safe.”

She smiles at that. I think it helped her to know she is important to me. I know that I have told her over and over and there is no way she knows the full extent of how much I love her.  She couldn’t but she is starting to understand.  She continues to stare at me and I watch as her tongue comes out, wetting her dry lips.  Being in a coma does that to you.  I don’t care how dry they are though, that movement makes me want to kiss her.  I have an idea.  I am probably going to regret it but things could hit the fan tomorrow and I am desperate.  I am desperate for her.

“Do you trust me?”

She smiles before responding.  “Well, I don’t know you, but on some weird level yes, I do. Parker seems to trust you, there is no way he would leave you alone with me if he didn’t and I trust Parker.  So yes, I do trust you.”

“I want to test something.  I can tell your body remembers me.”

Her cheeks get red and she looks just past me so she doesn’t have to look me in the eyes.

“So maybe if I can get your body to remember more, maybe your brain will start to remember also.”

That brings her attention right back at me.  Her eyes are so wide right now and she looks so innocent that my heart literally melts for her. She also looks a bit apprehensive so I know that I will need to explain more before going in. 

“I just want to give you a kiss.”

***

LILLIAN

A kiss? I can’t kiss him.  I know it was stupid to bring up Mia.  However, the nightmares are lasting longer.  He seems to have it put together during the day but at night, his subconscious takes over and it’s breaking me down little by little.  His nightmares always start with Mia and end with me.  So the thought of kissing him right now is probably the best idea in the world.  My ears have never heard of a better idea.  My heart is jumping for joy. My lips are practically begging him. Thank goodness for my brain or what I have left of it, because it shuts down my ears, heart and lips.

Well it would have but apparently I was taking too long to come to this decision because before I could reply his lips are crashing down on mine.  He isn’t being rough; in fact, I would say this is the softest kiss he has ever given me.  His lips completely closed just pressing against mine without too much pressure.  I think he is worried I am too sore or something.  However, I am not and I love this kiss. 

I have loved every kiss we have shared. Each kiss making me love him more than the previous one. They have been intense, passionate and life altering.  However, this little kiss?  This kiss will forever outweigh any other kiss.  There is no mistake in his intent.  He is pouring every ounce of love he has for me into this kiss.  He doesn’t move to deepen the kiss and I appreciate it.  I give in, kissing him back for just a second before pulling away from him.  He looks me deep in the eyes, hoping for me to remember something, anything.  I can’t let him know, not yet.  I need to fix the things I have broken before I can let him know.  So I shake my head no and give him a small smile.  I turn away so I don’t see the disappointment in his eyes, but I don’t turn away quick enough and I catch a glimpse.  It hurts.

***

WESSON

I know it was a long shot.  It was also more than I could handle when we sat there and even if I didn’t think that maybe it would help her remember, I wouldn’t have been able to hold back kissing her.   I know she can tell I am upset. I hate that, I don’t want to add to her stress any; I can’t add to her stress.  I put my hand on hers and give it a little squeeze then turn toward the show, hoping she understands I am okay with this.  I know it will take time. I have lots of time.

We fall asleep just like that and I am being shaken awake.  Parker is standing over me and I can tell something is up. I unhook my arm from hers and head straight for the door. I know that whatever he is about to tell me, isn’t for Lillian to hear.

“What’s happened?”

He starts pacing and looking around.  The officer who is supposed to be guarding Lillian’s room is asleep at the end of the hall, fuckwad.  Parker gestures for me to go with him just a bit further away, just in case he isn’t as asleep as he looks.  We head to the end of the hall where there is a coffee machine and vending machine and we get some coffee. I don’t want any and he doesn’t want any but we think this looks like this is a normal thing for us to be doing. 

“You need to start talking Park.”

“He says he wants to stay.”

“What? Who?”

“Braxton.”

“What? What do you mean he doesn’t want to come? It’s not like he can just stay.”

“He thinks he can, he thinks it would be better.”

“We can’t leave him Park.”

“This is why I woke you up.”

“What made him change his mind?”

“Honestly? I have no idea.  We were joking around in his room, talking about this or that. Watching TV when all of a sudden he turned off the TV.  He said he is too much of a hassle.  He doesn’t want to be a burden on us.”

What? No, just no.  I turn and head toward his room.  Parker is right behind me.  I stop and turn facing him then glance at the good for nothing guard who should be awake guarding Lillian’s door.

“Don’t leave her Park. I’ll be right back.”

He looks where I was looking and agrees, turning around to head to his sisters room.  I wish that was where I was. I wish I could go back to when we were sleeping with our arms tangled.  It isn’t as close to her as I would like to get but it is what I can have—I will take it.

Pissed off that this is happening, the night before we leave makes me walk faster to Braxton’s room.  I notice Vanessa and she glances at me shaking her head.

“He said you would come.”

“What is he thinking?”

“I agree with you, yet I agree with his points also.  Maybe this will be better.”

I ignore her as I head into his room, not knocking before entering.  He glances in my direction but doesn’t look at all surprised.  I guess Vanessa was right, he knew I would come.

“You are going with us.”

“No, I think I should stay.”

“What could even come close to an acceptable reason for you to stay here?”

“I will hold you back. If I stay, I can get stronger, continue the physical therapy.  I will know what’s going on as Vanessa is going to be keeping track of you guys as well as me.  I will not be in your way at finishing this.”

That’s not the only reason.

“She doesn’t remember me Brax.”

He closes his eyes.

“I know, I know that. I hate that the thought of seeing you two together still pisses me off but it does.  I may be mentally ready to accept that she is yours but my heart isn’t there yet.  I think this is the best way. For now. I can always catch up with you guys in a little while, after I have healed.”

He makes me think about her, wondering if moving her tomorrow is too soon.  She is still weak.  She is still recovering. Maybe this is too soon.  However, if we wait until she is completely better, that is when they will try to put us under again.  We need to beat them. 

“I don’t like this. I think we should all stay together.  When they got separated last time that was when it all went south.  I think we would be stronger with bigger numbers, more heads in the game.  With that said, I understand.”

He smiles at me and I smile back.  I am glad I don’t hate him anymore.  I exit his room without saying anything else and grab Vanessa’s arm, pulling her gently away so I don’t have to say anything in front of his door. If she can hear what is said in the room from the hallway, the opposite is probably true.

“You can’t let anything happen to him.”

She smiles at me and laughs a little.

“I won’t.”

I know she won’t.  I know she has some deeper feelings for him. I can see it. When no one is looking she looks at him, the way I used to look at Lil, some days I still do look at her that way, at least recently. It’s a look of longing. She turns around and heads back to his door, taking her place and I head back to my girl.

When I enter the room Parker wakes up. I don’t think he was fully asleep as I don’t think either of us could ever completely fall asleep right now but I still feel bad that he had to wake up.  We have been exhausted for weeks. I shake my head no at him, letting him know I had no luck with Brax either.  Then I head back right to where I was with her before he woke me up. I kiss her head before sitting back down and wrapping my hand around hers.

I hope we are doing the right thing.