Who I Became (Who I Was Book 2) (2 page)

“I have a flag like this from his father’s funeral.  He would have wanted it to go to the woman who had his heart, just like his daddy’s did.”

That’s when I lose it. What strength I pretended to have, breaks and I cry so hard I can’t breathe.  Parker lifts me out of my chair, and I drop the hand of the person next to me before being rushed to the car.  Parker gives me another pill to calm me down and since I can’t breathe through the pain I have in my chest, I accept it and lay down waiting for it to take me back to the dark.

CHAPTER TWO

LILLIAN

It’s cold when I wake up again, but I am no longer in the house I was in last night.  It’s dark in the room but there is a monitor to my right showing my heartbeat.  Right next to it is an IV pole with multiple clear bags attached.  I follow the tubes coming from the bags to see the line in my right arm. The noises I heard before come back.

Beep, Beep… Drip, Drip

Beep, Beep…Drip Drip

Then I hear snoring in the corner toward my left and I turn to see Park sleeping in a very uncomfortable chair.  I wonder what happened after the funeral. I go to speak but my throat is too dry and I can’t seem to get any words out. It’s just a scratchy gargle.  However, it is enough to wake him up, because before I know it Park is sitting at my side looking into my eyes, searching them. I point to my throat and try to talk again and he gets the hint.  He pages the nurse to get me something to drink.

Time seems to drag.  Not a minute passes after Parker hit the call button that two nurses and a doctor rush in.  They examine me and ask me a bunch of questions.  Most of which I don’t have the answers to. I am becoming very drowsy when they finally decide to leave us so I can rest, promising they will be back soon to check on me. I am about to close my eyes when Parker appears sitting next to me again.

“Hey, you.”

“Hey, back.” I croak.  My throat is still very hoarse. 

“So, you don’t remember much huh?”

“No Park. I mean I still don’t remember what happened before the funeral and I don’t remember anything after.”

He looks at me for a long time, obviously considering what to say before he says anything.  He opens his mouth and then closes it a few times before finally speaking. 

“Lilbug? What funeral?”

What does he mean, ‘What funeral?’ He was there, right next to me the whole time.

“Parker, what are you talking about? We were at Braxton’s funeral before I ended up in here. What happened? Were we in an accident? Did you hit your head?”

“Lillian, hun? You have been in a coma for 2 weeks. We didn’t go to a funeral.”

Just when I go to respond, my eyelids get too heavy to support themselves and close.  The darkness enveloping me once again—it never lets me down when I need it the most.  Then the pictures start to slowly go through my head, like a slide show. It’s as if I am watching my life from the outside—watching my life pass before my eyes, remembering what had happened.  These memories bring forth what my brain was trying to shield me from.  All of the fear, distrust, betrayal, love and heartbreak return. Hitting me stronger than ever as each emotion is hitting me, one right after another.  I struggle to wake up, needing to be free from everything that is rushing through me, consuming me.  It is all too much, too soon. 

I was telling the truth when I said I wanted to know, but I couldn’t handle it right now.  Why is my brain betraying me and pushing all of this back onto me at once? I have lost so much and I know that there is more to come.  I now remember everything from before I ended up here in a coma. I remember what those words that have been haunting me mean. The words that finish up my memory slide show.  The words that mean my life will never be the same.  I have lost so much in my life but this, this is more than anyone could handle.  I don’t want to remember.  I refuse to remember.  I push my eyes tightly together, trying to prevent the slideshow from rewinding and starting over, preventing it from being put on repeat.  As the dark black turns to a red from the pressure of my eyes, those words come back like a slap in my face.  Telling me I may choose to ignore, but it won’t change what happened.

“One of the officers didn’t make it. It doesn’t look good for the other one, either.”

“Braxton or Wesson?”

“I don’t know.”

“I have a 20-year-old female en route.”

“Losing lots of blood.”

“Miscarriage.”             

It doesn’t matter which one it is.  I lost them, it was all me. It is all my fault.  On top of losing one of the most important people in my life, I lost my baby. MY BABY! One that is a product from the love that Wesson and I have for each other, or had.  I refuse to lie here and let those who are responsible for their death get away with it.   I don’t know how or when, but someone will pay. I will make sure they all pay.

  Finally, the words stop and I am able to drift off in the first peaceful sleep since the last night I woke up with Wesson by my side.

***

I wake up with the sun peaking in through the windows and remember how beautiful the light was in my dream. I can feel the warmth on my face and just peak through my eyelashes to catch a glimpse.  Then I hear voices and I shut them closed. I don’t want them to know I am awake, not yet. 

“She woke up? Why didn’t you get me?” My breath hitches and my eyes water when he speaks.

“There wasn’t time. She wasn’t awake that long.  Honestly, when she was though… Listen you need to know, she may be worse off than the doctors thought.”

“What do you mean?”

“She doesn’t remember, at least not that I can tell. However, she remembers things that didn’t happen.  She was talking about going to Braxton’s funeral. So yes, she has memory loss like they thought, but it seems she has memories of things that didn’t happen.”

The other voice, the one talking to Parker, causes goose bumps up my arms, making me want to sit straight up and run over and climb in his lap.  I also have warmth in my heart and feel horrible because of it.  I don’t get to feel warm and fuzzy, not when I have caused so much pain. If that voice is here, then I know the one who is gone—the one that because of me, has lost his life.  I don’t deserve to feel happy and no one deserves to suffer because of me anymore.

I remember what Park just said about me not remembering what happened, and I vow that until I am able to finish this, I will continue to not remember.  It will hurt too much to tell him that we can’t be together, way more than it will hurt to tell him that I don’t remember.  I am sure that he is hurting just as much as I am, especially since we lost our child, but all I can do is give him hope. Hope, that maybe we will be okay when I do remember.  Basically, I am a fucking chicken and can’t take anyone else hurting because of me anymore.  There are silent tears that fall down my cheeks while I prepare myself to see Wesson’s face. 

The last drops fall and dry just as he comes around the room to the window I was staring out of.  He looks out of it and just seeing him again is almost enough to make me break.  It is just his back but it is enough to bring back the feeling of love that filled my heart the last time we were together.  I am just about to close my eyes, chickening out, when the door closes with my traitorous brother leaving us alone. Wesson turns, looking me straight in the eyes.  It reminds me of when he looked into the window of the hotel, like he was hoping to see me standing there so he could get a glimpse.  Right now, he is looking at me with so much emotion.  His eyes start to tear up and he smiles, rushing to my side and grabbing my hands.  The hardest thing I have ever done was pull away from him.  I don’t know how long I can keep this up and it has just started, but when I look into his eyes again, I remember that it is for the best.  He deserves so much more than I have to give him.  I am broken and need to fix the mess I caused. If after all of that and he still wants me? Then and only then, will I be able to love him with my full heart, which is the only way he should be loved.  Time to try my skills at acting, in the biggest performance anyone has ever had to do.

I scurry up the bed as I pull away from him.  I put as much distance as possible between us.

“Who are you?” I whisper. 

I can’t use my voice because it will crack.  I look toward the door, praying someone will come in and save me before the tears start.  Taking an extra deep breath, I turn toward him but don’t look at him. Well I tried not to look at him but I am captivated by his blue eyes.  I look into them, begging him to understand without telling him anything. Praying that this won’t hurt him, but knowing that it will.

“Sweetheart, it’s me. It’s Wesson.”

“I assure you I am not your sweetheart, and I don’t know anyone named Wesson. I am two seconds away from hitting my call button so if you were sent here by Gessati then I need you to leave or kill me.  If not, I beg you to get me my brother.” I whisper that also and while talking, I reach for my bedside remote that has the button to call the nurse. 

I gasp as he reaches to grab the remote and our fingers graze each other.  He flashes his face back to mine, searching mine to see some form of recognition.  This will be harder than I thought as my body starts to call to him immediately, even from the slightest touch.  I look away so he can’t see the internal battle between my soul and my brain. 

He lets go of the remote before heading to the door.  I watch his every movement.  The way he walks, begs me to go to him, to beg him to stay.  To ask him to crawl into this bed with me and just hold each other. Instead, when he turns around and looks at me again I don’t say anything.

“You don’t remember me at all?” I shake my head no, unable to speak.

“I’ll go get Parker.” He says before turning around and walking out the door.

I just nod and watch him walk out of the room, another tear falling down my face as he goes.

CHAPTER THREE

WESSON

I knew there was a chance she wouldn’t remember me, she was hit so hard on the head.  She was in a coma for two weeks; she has a history of forgetting...I knew all of this before she woke up—I was told to expect it. Yet to hear the woman I love say she doesn’t remember me, there was no preparation.  I leave the room, leaving my heart and shut the door behind me.  I can’t move, I can barely breathe. Instead, I slide down the door, lifting my knees to my chest and bury my head into my arms resting on my legs and I weep.

I hear Parker walk up and I notice he isn’t alone. There are two pairs of blurry feet when I glance up and try to look through my tears.  I look up and see that Parker is anxious with the doctor looking just as worried. 

“What happened?” Parker speaks first. 

“She umm-“I clear my throat. “She woke up and it’s just like you said, she doesn’t remember me.”

The doctor looks down at me and I see pity in his eyes—I hate pity.

“I told you Wesson that this could happen. I told you when she woke up last night she didn’t remember.”

“You did. However, that doesn’t change the fact that no matter what I was told, I had hope that she could never have forgotten me.  I know it’s ridiculous and I know she has no control but I need to take care of her more than I need anything in my life and I can’t because she has no idea who I am or what we had.”

They both nod their understanding and the doctor goes in to examine her.  We both sit on the ground next to her room and wait.

“Parker, I hate to ask but she will listen to you. Do you think you can tell her who I am?”

“Wesson, I know you love her. If I didn’t believe that you wouldn’t be here.  I know that because you love her so much that you are good for her.  Even with all that, I can’t tell her everything that you meant to her.  We can’t do that, she won’t understand.  What I can tell her is that you are a good guy. That you will be around… a lot.  Let her get to know you again and we can ease into it.”

“What about telling her about-”

“No!”

“Why not? That may make her remember? It may change everything for her and me.”

“I talked to the doctor after I left her Wes. I explained that she is experiencing the memory loss, but more importantly, she has memories that don’t exist.  He explained this can happen. Her body and mind have been through enough stress and are continuously going through more stress.  If we bring that up, it may cause her to go further into shock. It could harm her.  It could be too much.  He suggests that we avoid that topic until she is healthier in every way.”

“She has to know. Eventually we have to tell her.”

“I agree, just not yet.”

I get up and walk away, punching the elevator button.  I have to walk away and get air before I do something that I would regret.  Just before the elevator arrives, Parker runs over.

“Hey, there is a meeting in room 212 with Chief to go over things some more. They are closing in on some things on finding Mia and they wanted to talk to us.”

“Why do they want to talk to you?” I growl, needing to be away and away now. The anger welling up, becoming more than I can control.

“Because, I was with Mia while being kidnapped.”

“Gessati is dead.” I snap

“Yes, but Lucas isn’t and they think that he has her, if there is anything that I may be able to help with, things that I might remember, they want me there.  Look, I know you’re hurting, I am too.  She is my sister.”

“Yeah well, she is the love of my life and my sister is missing so I am not sure you know exactly what I am feeling.”

The elevator is getting ready to close and I stop it so I can get in.  I reach around to hit the button to the lobby so I can get out.  I don’t bother to turn around and look at him because I know I am being a dick.  He has been more than understanding with me being involved, more than I could have ever asked for and here I am being a douche.  Right before the elevator closes, I hear him mumble under his breath.

“I feel more like you than you think.”

***

Even though I was upset, even though I had no words for the ridiculousness of how I felt, even though she had no idea who I was, I couldn’t stay away too long. I know that she will remember soon and I want to be there when that happens, I
need
to be there when that happens.  So after I finish my pity session, I head back into the hospital.  I was just about to go back to her room but remembered about the meeting and debriefing that was going on in the other room. I change my direction, angry that I have to be away from her even just for this short amount of time. 

I get to the room and wave to Vanessa, the officer who is standing watch.  She doesn’t make eye contact but nods in my direction.  Hospital rooms, even the biggest ones, are fairly small and so it is pretty packed in this room.  I glance over to the bed and see Braxton with all the tubes and wires coming from him.  I think back to that night and how it could have all been different.

It should have been me there but when we came across Mia, I was in shock.  She was supposed to be dead. I tried to continue on with him and Johnny but as we were headed out toward that main room, our backup showed up.  I was pulled back to head out with Mia. I have been told, over and over, that it wasn’t my fault.  However, I know damn well that it was. I made him come with us, I practically kidnapped him. I am the one who was a chicken shit and didn’t go all the way in there.  I should be the one in that bed fighting for my life.  If it wasn’t for Vanessa, he would be dead.  She felt the pulse that was missed by Officer Sharp and spent the whole ride to the hospital straddling him to stop the bleeding.  She is his guardian angel as she continues to do so by guarding his room. 

I am shaken out of my memory by Park coming up next to me.  He looks at me then to where I have been staring at and shakes his head before heading over to the other side where Chief is.

“Okay, well here are the updates.  We have great news today, Lillian woke up this morning!” He says full of elation, the room quietly clapping and happy.

“They also will be reducing Braxton’s medication over the next 24 hours.  The doctor says his heart is healed enough to try to let his body work on its own, so they will be watching his progress closely.” Again, you can feel the excitement in the room. 

“Now for some news on Lucas; he was spotted with Mia heading into Washington State early this morning. I know we thought he was further away by now but we have to remember that he was one of us and that will make it hard to track him; however, he did screw up and was spotted on a cam outside a gas station.”

“Lastly, once our two wounded are able, we will be moving them again.”

What? This perks my interest, not that I wasn’t interested in what he was saying before, but that was all stuff I knew as they seemed to frequent Lillian’s room and I was never too far from it, but they never once mentioned moving them again.

“What do you mean move them? They are recovering from serious injuries and she is going to need continued medical care.” Park moved over closer to me while I was talking, trying to calm me down. I didn’t notice how loud my voice had gotten.

“What I mean is; this is what we need to do to keep everyone safe.  We can’t let them be sitting ducks, Wesson.”

I start pacing, trying to calm myself before I do something that will jeopardize everything.  The logical part of me understands what he is saying.

“Who is going with her?”

“Wes-”

“Who?”

“Well, we aren’t splitting up anyone anymore that may be associated with Lucas.  It will be best to keep all of those who are involved in this situation together.”

“Okay, I agree you shouldn’t split up Parker and Lillian—I never thought that was a good idea anyway.”  I wanted to shout at them to get to the point.

“Yes, well at the time it was what needed to happen.  However, now, I have to hide four people.”

Four people? Who else? I knew he looked stressed but is he seeing double? My face at his statement must have given me away. 

“I don’t understand.”

“Wesson, you and Braxton are both in danger now as well.  Yes, the unit will be hit since Lucas knows most of us but you four are all connected and were involved. You will all need to be put into protection.” 

The rest of the meeting goes by in a blur.  Everyone shuffles out, headed to where they are assigned. I am staring at the door, debating with my soul who is calling to her and my heart who can’t take her not remembering. I hear someone step up next to me and glance to see Parker, I wasn’t aware anyone else was still in here.

“She will remember.”

I turn away, unable to look at him.

“I know.”

I hear his footsteps retreat to the door and listen to it opening and closing.  I decide to sit by Braxton as no one else is in here and I need time to deal with everything that I have been hit with this morning.  I’m not sitting long when I hear the door open again and I look up and see Vanessa coming in, shutting the door and standing at attention directly in front of it.  She tries not to look at Braxton but I watch as her eyes dart to him than back at me.

“Has something happened?”

I go to stand up but she waves me back down.

“No, nothing has happened. Not yet anyway.” 

“Is there something I can help you with?”

She shuffles nervously and glances out the small window in the door before speaking.

“No, there is something you need to know, then maybe something I can do for you.”

I nod, encouraging her to continue.

“I have been part of Braxton’s detail since he has been in here, as you have been waiting for Lillian to wake up, it seems that Chief Robinson has used Braxton’s room for his headquarters due to the fact that you aren’t in here much. Anyway, I am able to hear fairly well in the hallway.  I overheard the plan for you and the rest. They plan on putting you back into protection all together and all the while they don’t seem too concerned with Mia or if she ever gets found.  It sounds like they are just most concerned with getting you guys out of the way.  They do plan on getting to Lucas but it seems they feel that Mia can be collateral damage.”

I suck in a deep breath, none of that should at all surprise me.  That is what I expected when they hadn’t started looking for them as soon as they ran. However, again, what I know doesn’t make it easier to hear.

“Why are you telling me this?”

This time when she looks at Braxton, she doesn’t try to hide it.

“I went to the academy with him. I felt that his dad was an amazing chief and had great respect for him.  I don’t want to see him go into protection just to keep you guys quiet. I think that they aren’t handling this correctly.  I know that Lillian and Parker were close to Braxton’s family and they have been through so much.  I just want this whole thing to be over. I thought if you knew then you may be able to say something?”

“I will do my best. I don’t think anyone is listening to me anymore, but my sister is not collateral damage. I won’t let them do this. Thank you for telling me.”

“You’re welcome. I hear Lillian woke up today?”

I hear the pain in her voice mixed with excitement and I know why it’s there. It is the same that would have been in mine if it was the other way around.

“He will be okay; you did a great job at saving him.”

She blushes slightly before turning around and going back to her post.  I sit with him for a bit longer before deciding that it may not be easy for her to remember me if I continue to avoid her.