Where did your heart go? (The Heart Trilogy Book 1) (53 page)

Chapter 63

As Saturday dawned, bright and clear I lay in bed for a little while and drank in the silence of the house around me. Then pulling my dressing gown on I wandered downstairs and into the kitchen and as the coffee brewed I turned on my laptop. Checking my emails I found one from James, so after I had filled my mug I put the radio on and sat down to open it.

              “Dearest Stephanie,

This is a bit like today’s version of the letter’s that we used to send to each other, just much quicker!
Also you don’t have to decipher my awful writing!!

It was lovely to talk to you last night. Once again I am sorry if it felt like I was pushing you to make a decision which I know is obviously going to be difficult for you in such a short space of time.

Ever since the night I walked out of your life I have regretted it every day and I have quite often over the passing years thought about you, wondering what you were doing? And whether you still thought of me. Sadly I must have mislaid the St Christopher you gave me and believe me I have searched long and hard for it.”

I paused and took a sip of my coffee as I re-read the first part again. It was easier to read typing than his writing and his comment made me smile. Then when he mentioned the St Christopher I knew that although he might have thought he had lost it he probably knew that Felicity had removed it. He still didn’t know that I knew exactly where it was. I had worn it for a while and then when my relationship with Mark had grown from friendship I had removed it. It was safely wrapped up in a small piece of material, white with black hearts on it.

             
“So this Rock on the River event sounds great and a lot of hard work for you for the next week so I will try my best to back off and keep things friendly. I still work for the Fire and Rescue service and I still love it, even after all these years. Do you remember that comment you made about ‘fires to put out, people to save and cats to rescue’ well there have been a lot of all of them and I hope to tell you about the cats some time. I have managed to have a quick chat with Darren but he has other things on his mind at the moment so not sure whether it has really sunk in.

Anyway, your wonderful daughter is currently in the garage with my son, dancing as seems usual (the garage has been converted into a studio by the way) but I’m going to drag them out later for a family dinner to celebrate Darren’s good news. I do wish that you were here but there I go again trying to push t
oo hard.

Take care

All my love James x”

I finished the email and got up to refill my mug and pop some bread in the toaster. Then I read my other emails and turned to the electronic copy of the plan I had ready for this afternoon. Mark, Ian and Paul were heading over as well as Jack and Mr Ford, whom I hadn’t seen for years, well ever since Mark’s death. I still hadn’t risked a visit back to that place for fear of the memories lurking there.

I had a few hours to kill before we were due to meet down at the pub. As I cleared up and was about to head upstairs Paul announced the following song.

“This song is from Stephanie’s secret admirer who has returned from his absence last week, today he has chosen ‘Valerie by Steve Winwood’ just substitute the name for Stephanie from your secret admirer who is counting down the days until Saturday”

As the song played I sat down and did just that as I listened to the lyrics and tried to see if there was a clue here, the only one I could come up with was

             
“I’m the same boy I used to be”

Could it be someone from my school days? I still had no idea as I dropped Paul a quick text asking him to play ‘
Too Shy by Kajagoogoo’

As I dredged my mind back to school and college I thought of Gareth who I had turned down, I had no idea where he had ended up. Apart from that no one else had really tried. Suddenly a thought struck me, what if it was James pretending to be my secret admirer? Now that would account for the choice of song and possibly some of the other’s that he had picked over the previous weeks. But how could I find out for certain? Or did I just start to choose some songs that would hint that I had guessed.

After a quick bite to eat for lunch I decided to walk through town the long way. I picked up some flowers from the market and ended up in the churchyard. I picked my way along the path and found the grave. Despite the sun I felt a slight shiver run down my spine as I reached the stone. Placing the flowers onto the ground, I moved the dead ones away ready to drop in the bin on my way out. Reading the inscription again etched into the stone.

“Mark Eden

Loving Husband and Father

To Stephanie & Charlotte

Suddenly taken from life

24
th
November, 1968 - 17
th
April, 1995”

The whole funeral had
passed by without me fully taking part. I remember standing there in the church, holding Charlotte tightly but no tears fell. I guessed that everyone else probably thought I was still numb with shock, but I had never really cried that much. I had told myself that I needed to get on with my life for Charlie’s sake. In truth he had been a fantastic friend and I owed him my life in the truest sense of the word. He had deserved better than me, a broken shell of a girl. Standing up I felt the guilt inside of me like a large stone weighing me down. As I walked away I heard my phone ting.

“Hi Steph, it’s a lovely morning. Just checking you received my email? Hope you have a good day and I’ll give you a call later, just let me know the best time x”

“Yes thanks, busy already but I’ll send you a reply later x”

Even in his grave Mark could not escape the spectre who had shared our marriage. Walking down to the river I started to imagine what it was going to look like in a week’s time. We were expecting nearly five hundred people and with the various bands and performing artists the numbers would probably be over a thousand on the actual day. I spotted Jack sat on one of the benches outside the pub and walked over.

“Hi Jack” I said

“Hey Steph” he replied, standing up to pull me into a hug “How are things?”

“Good thanks, really looking forward to next weekend” I replied. A car pulled into the car park and I spotted Mark, Ian and Paul get out and head towards us.

“Is this everyone from our lot” Ian asked.

“Yes, just waiting for the technical guys and Mr Ford the Hospital Director” I replied. Grabbing some drinks we all enjoyed the sunshine as we waited.

Soon everyone had arrived and we walked along the river bank to the large area we had been allocated.

As Mark talked to the technical guys about power for lighting and sound I watched them stride around and spoke to the company supplying the stage and dance floor. Jack and Mr Ford went through all the advertising hoardings with Paul and Ian. After a couple of hours it seemed that everything was in place. As I lived the closest I would meet the guys on Wednesday morning for the start of the set up and also be their contact at the end of the day too. From Wednesday onwards it was going to be slightly manic but on the whole I was looking forward to it.

Bidding goodbye to the technical guys and Mr Ford I turned to the others.

“Do you want to stay for a drink here or I’ve got some in at home and I can rustle up some food too” I offered.

“Your place sounds like a great idea, we can have a final look through the running order too” Paul said. Jack gave me a lift back in his car and the other’s followed as we adjourned to the back garden.

“I’m really looking forward to meeting Rick” I said, he’s been an idol of mine for quite a while. Only second to George Michael” I laughed.

“God you and George, I’d stand a better chance with him” Jack joked.

“Yeah, you’re definitely more his type” Ian said.

“But are you looking forward to meeting your secret admirer?” Paul asked.

“I guess so” I replied “I think he’s trying to give me clues in the songs as to who he is” I finished.

“Any idea yet?” Mark asked.

“I have my suspicions but I’m not 100% sure yet” I replied, feeling a blush rise to my cheeks.

Eventually the guys all headed home, except for Jack who had decided to have a drink and stay over. Whilst he headed out to get us some pizza for supper I picked up my phone and
dropped James a text.

“Jack’s here at the moment and staying over so I’ll give you a call tomorrow morning instead when I’m alone. You remember Jack; I used to work with him on Hospital Radio”

James replied with.

“Ok, I do remember Jack; he’s the gay one right so I don’t have anything to worry about”

“That’s right, he remembers you too, fancies you and all”

“I’ll bear that it mind if things don’t work out with us. LOL”

When Jack returned I had changed into my comfy clothes and poured us both another beer as we settled in for a night on the sofa and a film. In my thoughts I was preoccupied with James and in a way I wished that he was sharing this evening with me instead. Climbing into bed later I grabbed my tablet
pc and started to type a reply to his earlier email.

             
“Dear James,

Sorry for the delay in my reply but today has just flown by so quickly. All plans for next Saturday have been finalised so it’s just roll on and deal with any last minute glitches which undoubtedly there will be!!

I have still managed to spend a fair amount of time thinking about us. Your email this morning made me smile. If this technology had been around when we got together we would have probably sent each other lot’s more emails and texts!! Yet writing an email is almost the same as a letter and sometimes it’s easier to write down in words what you are unable to say in person or over the phone.

Since I handed my diary from 1988 to Charlie I have been doing quite a lot of
soul searching regarding my past. Although with my visible scars I guess I never really escaped from it, if the truth be told. As you said, when we met, you don’t want to be alone again and I can whole heartedly agree with that sentiment. You have the easy side of things just falling back in love with me. It is harder for me as I never truly fell out of love with you I just suppressed my feelings and tried to mask them with happiness either forced or induced.

Even though Charlotte is a real joy to my life (and I wouldn’
t be without her now) the circumstances around her being here hold enormous pain and I now need to reconcile myself with the fact that I managed to screw up someone else’s chance of true happiness. Unfortunately I can’t just tell them I am sorry for never loving them. That is why you need to be patient with me and don’t give up if I seem to swing one way and then the other. All I can be certain is that it’s going to take time to un-break my heart.

Keep in touch this week, it brightens my day immensely.

Love Steph”

I read it back through and hesitated with the delete button over the last paragraph but in the end I just closed my eyes and pressed send. Feeling my eyelids getting heavy I switched the tablet off and fell asleep. This time I dreamed about Mark. I was there as the faceless stranger attacked him and stabbed him over and over again. I tried to run and help but I was glued to the spot as his attacker seemed to sense me in the dark shadows. Turning to remove the Balaklava that hid the identity. Long dark hair tumbled loose and I found myself staring at the bitch as she started to head towards me. She was laughing and telling me that I would never be happy, she had robbed that from my whole life. I woke up with a start as I felt hands on my shoulders, looking up it was Jack I saw.

“Steph, wake up” Jack said softly “You were screaming” he finished, as I continued to stare at him not quite knowing what was going on as reality came into focus again.

“Sorry Jack, I must have been having a bad dream” I said, struggling to sit up.

“Do you want to talk about it?” he asked, settling back on the covers.

Sitting silently I tried to clear the image from my head before I spoke
.

“No its ok I think I can deal with it” I said “Although you could go and get me a glass of water” I finished. Jack hurried out and downstairs which gave me the chance to
turn the bedside light on and banish the dark shadows from the room. I pulled open my bedside cabinet and found one of my pills and quickly swallowed it before Jack returned. Handing me the glass he sat down once more.

“If you need me to stay in here I can” he offered.

“Thanks but I think I’ll be alright now, I might just read my book before I go back to sleep” I replied.

“
Cool, just call, I’m only next door” he finished. Leaning over he dropped a kiss on my lips “Night Steph” he said.