Where did your heart go? (The Heart Trilogy Book 1) (33 page)

Chapter
41

The tears were rolling down Charlotte’s cheeks just reading what her Mum had written. She hoped that when her Mum set eyes on James again next weekend the sparks would fly again and reunite them. She flicked through a few more pages of entries, some dates were just let blank, and some just had a miserable face drawn onto them.

Saturday 24
th
December, 1988

It’s Christmas Eve and usually a time of year that I enjoy, but not this year, not now that I am alone. After a lie in I headed to Hereford for my radio show, realising that at least I would be at home with my family unlike the many children who were spending it on a ward. It cheered me up to think that my music was reaching out to them, comforting them from the pain and trying to make being in hospital a fun time and not a sad time.

Jack was still trying to cheer me up as once I had let him know that I had split up from James he seemed to be trying so hard to fix me up with various friends and acquaintances. Even though I had told him that I needed space and time to recover, even though in my mind I knew that I would never recover; this was terminal. Before my show ended Mark popped his head in.

“Hi Jack, fancy a
pint after work?” he said, he spotted me and continued.

“You can come too if you like Stephanie?”

“Sounds like a great idea” Jack said

“I’ll pass thank
s I need to get home” I replied, knowing that my company would hardly be cheerful today.

“Ok catch you later Jack, have a good Christmas Steph” Mark finished.

“You know I believe that Mark quite likes you” Jack said, turning to me

“Get out, anyone would think you were cupid” I said.

“I might ask him later in the pub” Jack finished.

“Well carry on as you know m
y answer will be no” I finished, as I gave his arm a playful punch.

Once I was home I walked in to find an envelope on the hallway table for me, it looked like James’ handwriting so I opened it to find a Christmas card inside, nothing special, no girlfriend emblazoned on it. Not even a Love James at the bottom, just Fond Regards….what was fond regards supposed to mean? They were nothing but words on a page. I ripped it up and put it in the bin and then headed for the shower.

Even under the stream of water I couldn’t let go of my memories as I remembered the times we had spent soaping each other, giggling and laughing until the suds were everywhere. His fingers on my body, mine on his. I shook as the emotions filled my body and wished again that my life had turned out differently, that perhaps one day he would change his mind and come running back into my arms. As the shower spray fell on my face it was joined by more tears. Trying to be cheerful and normal all the time was really exhausting, all I wanted to do was climb into bed and go to sleep and wake up when everything felt better. Or better still not wake up at all. The darkness of my depression was like a stormy sea threatening to drown me at any moment if I stopped treading water.

Sunday 25
th
December, 1988 (Christmas Day)

My grandparents were staying for the weekend so it was great to wander down into the kitchen in the morning and find my Nan making the coffee and Gramps reading the newspaper.

“Morning love”
Nan said “Merry Christmas” she finished as she reached over and dropped a kiss on my cheek.

“Is that gorgeous boyfriend of yours going to be here?” she asked

“No Nan, we split up, I thought Mum had told you” I replied

“He was such a nice young man”
Nan finished, as Gramps looked up and just smiled at me

“It’s ok Steph, your Mum did tell her but she seems to forget things really quickly these days” Gramps said, before he returned to his paper.

The day passed in the usual manner, large roast dinner, the Queen’s speech, followed by presents from under the tree, a walk down the road and back before more food and a game of monopoly. When I could I left the rest of them downstairs and headed for the security of my room. I sat down on my bed and put the mix tape into the stereo it was kind of comforting and at the same time painful to listen too. But listen I did as the memories of the past year filled my head as I lay down and gave into them. I took out the letters from my drawer and re-read all of them, except the last one he had sent. It was all I could do to stop from crying but perhaps eventually all my tears would dry up?

Saturday 31
st
December, 1988

Well it’s the last day of this year and what a year it has been. In most parts it has been the best year of my life and I should be looking forward but all I can do is remember the past and what I have lost. I am going out with Sarah, Chris, Jack and his new boyfriend Simon and also Mark. It has only been these guys who have kept me going since my break up with James in November. Everyone has been so kind so even though I don’t really feel like partying I am going to try my best to enjoy this evening and move on.

I headed down for breakfast and spotted a familiar cream envelope on the hallway desk and it was addressed to me and the writing looked like James’. We had agreed to stay friends but we had only managed a couple of letters since. I have struggled not to continually write the same things; that I still love him that I wanted him to come back to me but all to no avail. I grabbed the envelope and headed back upstairs. I still felt that excited buzz of anticipation that maybe he had changed his mind.

Carefully I opened the envelope and pulled out the thick card, as I did the St Christopher that I had given him slipped out and fell to the floor. It glinted in the weak sunlight that shone through the curtains and then I turned the card over and sank to the floor, as my legs crumpled beneath me. In my hand was a wedding invitation to the marriage of Felicity and James. I felt dizzy with grief as I just let go of my emotions and screamed and howled from the pain. I thought my heart had already left, the moment that James had driven away but the hole left now ached so much it was unbearable.

I must have lay on the floor of my bedroom for over an hour, the pain disabled me and the tears just kept rolling down my face as they soaked the carpet. Then Mum shouted that Sarah had arrived so I quickly gathered up the invitation and the necklace and pushed them under the pillow. I just had to get through tonight and then tomorrow I could break apart.

“Hi Sarah” I said, trying to hide my red, puffy eyes. Being a true friend she just pulled me close and hugged me and let me cry some more.

“I know tonight is going to be hard for you but you never know it’s the start of a new year and perhaps you will be able to move on” she murmured softly.

“I know” I mumbled, clinging to my best friend like she was the only piece of driftwood in the swollen river of my tears
.

Eventually she let me go and I headed for the bathroom to shower and wash my hair. Sarah put the radio on and filled the room with happy sounds and waited for me to return. I let Sarah tie my hair up and apply my make up as I had no feelings left in me at all; I was just an empty shell to be painted upon. Who would want me ever again? I thought as I looked into the mirror in front of me and saw my lifeless eyes staring back, my make up was a mask that I could hide behind all night. I slipped into a new dress that Mum had bought me for Christmas as it held no previous memories and then I sat on the bed whilst Sarah sorted her hair, dress and make up out.

“Steph, what’s it like when you don’t see someone every day?” she asked, as she sat down next to me on the bed.

“It fucking hurts like hell” I said “Why?”

“Chris is going into the army and leaves for basic training on the 2
nd
January” Sarah said “How am I going to cope?”

I bit my lip wanted to be sympathetic and tell her it would be ok but how could I? I was so jealous that she still had someone to love and care about whilst I was alone.
Lost and abandoned.

But Sarah was my best friend and I knew that good friends were hard to find

“It will be difficult but just write letters and make plans for when you are together and believe me the times when you are together keep you going through the times when you are apart” I said, reaching over and squeezing her hand.

“We’re going to have a great time tonight” she said

“The best” I said, trying to inject some enthusiasm into my
lifeless voice.

“Come on then” she said pulling me up as Wham’s ‘Wake me up before you go-go’ came over the speakers as we danced around the room and for a brief moment I felt alive again.

We heard Chris’ car pull up in the driveway and after a final application of lipstick we were on our way into town to meet the others for drinks before we hit the club. The town was buzzing and I tried to hide my pain behind a smile. Jack grabbed my hand as soon as we joined them and propelled me off to meet his new man Simon. Mark soon joined us and offered a round at the bar as we all got infected with the end of year vibe. Then a
fter a few different bars we met up with other friends who tagged onto our group as we headed to the club.

Once in the club I ducked into the ladies and spent ten minutes sat in a cubicle so that the tears that I had been holding back could fall again

“Steph, Steph are you ok?” I heard Sarah shouting.

“Yes I’m ok” I sniffed “I’ll be out in a second” I finished, as I wiped the tears away and came back out into the open.

“This club is pumping tonight” Sarah said, grabbing my hand and propelling me through the crowds and onto the dance floor. I let the beat flow through my body and closed my eyes and danced until I was exhausted. After a quick break Jack pulled me back onto the floor with him as we giggled and laughed together as we danced.

Then as the clock ticked down to midnight it was impossible for our group to be on the dance floor so we joined hand around our table and did the count down and then Auld Lang Syne. After a few more pumping tunes the DJ changed to slower songs and suddenly I was left at the table with Mark
.

“Would you like to dance?” he asked, extending his hand towards me
.

“Ok” I replied, as he led me onto the floor and pulled me close.
As he held me in his arms I thought about all the differences between Mark and James. Mark was shorter so my head came to his shoulder, he had green eyes and he just felt different.

Chapter 42

Suddenly the familiar strains of ‘Take my breath away’ surrounded me and I started to shake. Looking up into Mark’s face he must have mistaken my trembling for something else as I watched in slow motion his lips heading towards mine. As they touched it was all that I needed to realise that I couldn’t do this, no now, not ever, it was too soon, it was too much to bear. I pushed him away and turned and ran. I grabbed my coat from the cloak room attendant as the lyrics hunted me down and seemed to echo through the cold night air

“Through the hour glass I called you, in time you slipped away

When the mirror crashed I called you, and turned to hear you say

If only for today I am unafraid

Take my breath away”

I slipped out of my heels and picked them up and ran bare foot down the street. I pushed my way through revellers already homeward bound as the hurt inside me thumped in time with my heart. All the way home I just ran and cried, the tears just would not stop and I knew that at home all that awaited me was the invitation and the returned St Christopher. I fumbled with the key in the door as my parents were out for the evening and then pushed my way through.

Stopping for a moment I leaned against the door and then made my way through into the dining room to the drinks cabinet. Momentarily I was distracted by the Christmas tree that still stood resplendent in it’s glory. The baubles twinkled under the fairly lights and I walked over towards it and reached out for one of the glass ones hanging there. I plucked it from the tree and held it in my hands, noticing the fragility of it, just like my life at the moment. I was the bauble and James was the hand as slowly I crushed it and it shattered into a million pieces that twinkled even more vibrantly as I threw them back into the tree. Looking down my palm was scattered with red dots of blood and it was at that moment I knew what I had to do.

I found a bottle of vodka and took that up to my room thinking that I might need it to numb the pain and hurt and anger inside of me. I put some music on and took a long slug of the vodka. I wasn’t much of a drinker so it burned as it went down and I almost threw it back up, but by the third mouthful it was starting to take effect as my room swam around me. I listened to George singing ‘Where did your heart go?’ such a mournful lament but so true to the way I was feeling. When it finished I stood up and replaced the needle so it started again and then again and then again. All the time I was staring at the invitation, the necklace hung in between my fingers.