Authors: Unknown
“I’m happy for you,” he said as he reached out and embraced me.
I reciprocated and curved my arms around his back, giving it a squeeze. “I’m happy for
us.
”
Poor choice of words. I reproached.
“I just meant… I’m happy that we are both moving forward into a better place in our lives.” I attempted to fix my statement up a bit hoping I hadn’t made things more awkward than they already were.
Josh placed a gentle kiss on my cheek and said, “It was good to see you Erin. I’m glad you’re feeling better. Stay in touch, okay?” Before he turned to walk away, I saw the look on his face. Though he tried hard to hide it, I could see he was heartbroken and a knot formed in my stomach.
“I’ll be in touch soon Josh. It was good to see you too.”
Josh headed in one direction toward his car and I headed in the other to where Amber and her family were waiting. They had invited me to brunch and at this moment I was grateful I had politely declined. The ride home wasn’t nearly as quiet. Apparently they liked to keep things calm before church so the kids wouldn’t be rowdy but after church was a free for all! Todd cranked up the radio and they all sang along to Katy Perry’s
Roar
. I joined right in. It was fun being a part of their mini-chorus. Even the little ones chimed in. After the first song, they all just sang along to whatever song came on the radio. Before I knew it, we were back in my driveway. Although the clamber had initially taken some getting used to, as I got out of the SUV the thought of my quiet home brought with it a trace of sadness.
“Thanks for inviting me Amber.” I stuck my head back in the truck and said, “Bye everybody. I had a great time.” Amber gave me a hearty hug and held it just long enough to make it awkward before she let me go and waited for me to step inside my house.
I do love that odd little lady.
I thought while I waved to the family as they backed down the driveway.
Ok, now what?
I had no clue what to do next since I didn’t have to prepare for a shift or for a date. It was still ridiculously early in the day and there was next to nothing on my agenda.
Creeping thoughts were urging me to call Mike. I knew he could keep me occupied and would put me to bed properly. I ignored my inner yearning. True Mike would end my bout of boredom but having him over would begin a plethora of other issues.
I have got to find something to do with all this down time before I get myself in trouble that will have me back at square one. I need a hobby!
*****
After cleaning my house from top to bottom, getting my running clothes ready for the following morning, doing some much needed grocery shopping and leaving a message to schedule my follow-up therapy session, I finally sat down to do some of the work my therapist had assigned me. Under normal circumstances, this would be the time where I popped the cork on a bottle of Merlot, but tonight I was having green tea.
Dr. Stevenson had asked me what might be the reason there had been no relationship prospects before I decided I wanted any. I thought briefly about a book I’d read on the laws of attraction. It said something about whatever you put the most thought energy in, is what is drawn to you. I could honestly say that I had whole-heartedly put significant energy into not being in a relationship. I’d avoided them like the plague. Thinking back, I could recall cutting off men who I thought got too close or wanted to know too much about me. In fact, at present, Josh knew more than most people in my life with the exception of Angela.
Truthfully I enjoyed the seductive part of dating. I liked men being attracted to me and making them show me how far they would go to prove their affection. At the same time, once I had them jumping through hoops and fawning over me, I bailed. Some might dub me a “relationship tease.”
I sat back and thought about why I would go through all of the motions to gain a man’s interest knowing I wasn’t interested in a relationship. Instantly my father came to mind. He had never been there. Inside there was a torn little girl who wanted to be loved by her father, but there was also the woman scorned who wanted revenge on men for what Grayson had done to her. That woman didn’t trust men and made sure they didn’t get too close. If they did, they smacked into an iceberg where there should have been my heart. Yes, the woman scorned had protected me well all these years. She was the one who allowed the little girl to seek her fill of admirers in hopes of filling the void her daddy left, but there was a strictly enforced “hands off” policy when it came to her heart. There had been only a handful of people who had permeated beyond the iceberg to warm the heart that rested at the core. Those were the people who caused the spontaneous warming sensation in my chest when I thought about family and love. Among that group was Grayson, who had been painfully plucked out and left a keloid scar in his place. Angela was still deeply imbedded in my heart-space and was truly the only person thus far other than my sister who had genuinely earned a place there. Josh had cracked the surface and given me that warm feeling that came with being genuinely loved and accepted. Sadly, the woman scorned had gotten in the way of that and had even been trumped by the young girl’s need for affection and acceptance. Yes, Josh’s chances had been ruined with his rejection to sexual advances.
Mike held the smallest space in my heart. He had barely chipped my icy barrier because he hadn’t done anything profound that would indicate a relationship, yet he had given me the affection I needed when I needed it. He held a fairly neutral place at the moment and I needed to keep him there. I wasn’t ready to let him in, but something in me wasn’t ready to just up and let him go either.
After hours of racking my brain about how I’d gotten myself to my present place, I concluded that Little Erin and Angry Erin had been dictating how I would live my life, but I was ready for Grown-Up, Happy Erin to take over. The church message from earlier came back to mind. I recalled the part about being able to forgive people for their humanness and forgiving myself for the same because being human came with imperfection.
I’ve definitely lived a life that was far from perfect.
I had hurt people and even used them for temporary satisfaction. Who was I to judge my father or Grayson or anyone for not being perfect or for doing what they knew to do at the time? Hadn’t I done the same? Had I not made the very same choices in that paper gown on that table so many years ago?
At that moment, I was certain that if I was ever going to forgive anyone else I needed to start with forgiving myself. I committed to forgiving myself for the decisions of my past and vowed to work daily to forgive others, as well.
I hopped up and made my way quickly up the stairs. Forgiving Grayson seemed like a logical place to start. I climbed into bed and pulled out the drawer in my nightstand. It was still exactly where I’d left it. I pulled it from the drawer and finally, after ten years, I broke the seal and pulled the pages from the envelope. My heart began to race as I unfolded the letter without allowing my eyes to focus on the words.
No matter what it says, I will read it to the end.
I took a slow, deep before I read:
My Dearest Erin,
I know you’ll never believe the words I’m about to write, but I feel like they are owed to you and I want to give you the respect I didn’t give you in our relationship. First, let me start by saying I apologize. I know that I hurt you in a way that is not easily repaired, and I regret having been the person who caused you such pain. I don’t want to make excuses because there aren’t any valid ones to make. I do want to be clear that who I am and what I’ve done has nothing to do with you. I am a man with his own issues and problems. I came to you contaminated and in turn, contaminated you. I apologize for not being better; for not being the man I should have been to you. The truth is you deserve the greatest love anyone could ever know. I have never met anyone whose heart was so genuine and pure. You love hard and deep and it has been a gift to experience even an ounce of your affection. What I did to you can never be undone and I will have to live each day knowing that. I have caused you to make choices you would otherwise never have made. Yes, I know about the baby and I can only blame myself for putting you in a position to make that decision. I know you did what you believed was best. I hope that one day you can forgive me and forgive yourself because I know you will bear the brunt of the burden. I wish you a life of happiness, fulfillment and success and I’m sorry that it won’t be with me. That will forever be my loss. I love you always.
Sincerely,
Grayson
I wiped the tears from the letter where they had fallen and re-read it countless times after that. I fell asleep with letter in my hand and the feeling that finally seeped into my heart.
It wasn’t my fault. It didn’t end because of me. I. Am. Okay.
Chapter Sixteen
I’d managed to make my run with BGR and left only slightly disappointed that I didn’t run into Mike there. Now I was home, showered and surfing the web for flights to Miami. I was in search of some reasonable prospects since, in my mind, it was only fair that I pay for tickets and accommodations for me and Angie.
After all, I am drafting her for all sorts of mayhem.
I thought as I dialed Angela’s number. “Hey Lady! I have some flight options here, but I need to know what dates may work for you.” She’d answered on the first ring and I was too excited to offer the usual pleasantries.
“Considering the fact that we just came back from Vegas, I’d say give it at least few weeks. Will it still be warm enough down there to get naked in November,” Angie asked.
“I suppose so. Besides, a little chill is only bad for the men!” I giggled. We agreed on a date in November and I hung up the phone to get to work on our travel arrangements. Booking the hotel and flight were easy enough. I opted to wait until closer to our departure to arrange for a rental car in hopes of getting a last minute deal. I’d made all the arrangements thus far through my AAA account when it dawned on me that I hadn’t utilized all my resources.
I love a deal. This isn’t personal, it’s business.
I told myself, but I wasn’t convinced. Still, I picked up the phone and texted Mike to ask if there was any way I could get an additional discount or if he could get credit for my purchase.
Shortly thereafter, I felt the vibration of my phone. Mike’s name illuminated the screen. I felt a skip in my chest. I was good with texting him but hearing his voice was a different story. The phone shook again and I answered before the call rolled over to voicemail. I tried to sound breezy as I said, “Hello.”
“Yeah, it was easier to call you than to text. If you’re planning a trip and you want a discount greater than what you get under your basic membership, I can get you an additional five percent off if you want it.” I was relieved that he was giving me his professional voice. It made it easier to act like I was on a call with a random customer service rep.
“That would be great! Does that apply to the hotel and rental car as well?”
See, he’s a professional. We can totally have this conversation without things going… south.
I smirked to myself before Mike’s tenor's voice forced me to focus.
“Yes,” Mike said. “It would include any additional accommodations. Let me have your travel information and I’ll set it up under my employee ID number. The only drawback is when you get there everything will be in my name but just call me if you have any problems.”
I gave him the information. “So I’ll just wait to hear from you regarding the status of the arrangements. Thanks so much for your help. I appreciate it.” It was good to know that he was willing to help me without any expectations.
“You know you’re welcome to this and
much
more,” he inferred. “How’s the preparation for the half marathon coming?”
Ok, this is light personal conversation. I’m good here.
“Well, I ran this morning with my group and I survived. It was better than the first day… No Charlie Horses. Did you oversleep this morning,” I queried.
“No. I didn’t have anyone to sit with my son this morning. Mother had some plans of her own today, so I slept in this morning with my little guy. I don’t get to run every day, but I do it when I can. Were you looking for me?” In my mind, I could see his lips curling into that sexy, seductive grin. The one he gave when he wanted me to say things he already knew. The one I had dubbed in my mind as “The Panty Dropper.”
Since backpedaling wasn’t an option, I feigned nonchalance. “Not really, since I didn’t have a Charlie Horse or anything. I had no need for an escort.”
“Ok. Well, that’s good. That means you won’t miss me while I’m gone for the next month.” My heart sank. That wasn’t the response I was expecting. Maybe he was joking.
No way to find out but to ask.
“Are you serious? You’re going to be gone for a month? What if I hurt myself? What if I actually
do
need to be helped to my car or decide I want to join a band or something?” I attempted to cover my disappointment with dramatic humor.
Mike replied, “Yes, I’m really leaving for a month. If you hurt yourself, the women you run with will help you and if you want to join a band, I told you, I’m saving a spot just for you. You let me know when Ms. Erin. I will have the microphone ready.”
Shit he was smooth!
“Alright. Well, don’t get into any trouble or do anything I wouldn’t do.”
Corny, SO corny.
“Careful now, you and I both know what you are capable of when you start feeling ‘care-free'” he said, with a mischievous chuckle.
I laughed too and said, “Fine! Do whatever the hell you want!” I felt no real obligation to Mike and knew he wasn’t resigned to any with me. “Thanks again for all your help. Have a nice trip… wherever you’re going.”