What Were You Expecting? (39 page)

Lathering the strawberry shampoo into her scalp, she let more tears fall as certain truths began to assert themselves. What if she let go of Nils, whom she loved as she’d never loved anyone in her life? What if she found someone else—Beck, Paul, anyone—and married them only to find out they were unable to father children? She’d be giving up the love of her life in exchange for something uncertain.

Blow drying her hair, she stared at her face in the mirror, thinking about his words:
We could adopt. A little redheaded girl. Like you.
It made her wince with pain and tenderness at the same time. She could adopt someone just like her. A baby who needed a home as she had. Some other woman’s unwanted child whom she and Nils could love. And perhaps Maggie was even uniquely qualified to parent such a child. She would know all of the right things to say, all of the ways to soothe the aches and pains that were inevitable in the life of an adopted child.

Her eyes were dry and clear as she made her way down to the café, sucking in a deep breath of fresh air as she rounded the building. It’s not that she wouldn’t have to grieve the demise of her own deep-seated dreams and desires, but as she unlocked the café door, she knew that her decision wouldn’t be as difficult to make as she’d originally imagined. In fact, deep down, she’d known all along what her decision would be.

Nils finally belonged to her.

There was no way she’d be giving him up. Not for anything.

***

Nils led the way down a familiar trail with a group of six young couples following behind, but he was distracted by his thoughts and his usual nonstop commentary felt somewhat stilted.

“Mr. Lindstrom? Did you say there were wolves in this area?”

He looked beside him to find an attractive blonde falling into step beside him.

“Yep. My brother’s been tracking them.”

“Well, we’re not in any danger, are we?”

Nils shook his head, glancing at the way her breasts spilled over the top of her skimpy shirt. He felt for the canister of pepper spray hanging from a belt loop at his hip. “Nope.”

She reached out and touched his arm, giggling conspiratorially. “So, we’re all trying to figure out…are you married or…not?”

He furrowed his brows, looking down at her upturned face. If he wasn’t sure before, he was now. She was flirting with him. He glanced back at the man she’d arrived with; he was a good deal smaller than Lars, and huffed along like the trail was more exercise than he was used to. Nils gave her a look.

Giggling again, she continued, “It’s just that we’re out here in the woods for a couple of nights and I thought…”

“You’re here with someone.”

She batted her eyes and shrugged. “Andy? We have an…understanding.”

“Well, I don’t.”

“Oh. So, you
are
married. You don’t wear a ring,” she pouted.

“Ring doesn’t mean anything.”

“To your girlfriend or your wife?”

He let her words tumble around in his head before answering. Either? Neither? His heart was so heavy, he didn’t know how he kept putting one foot in front of the other. Maggie deserved so much—she deserved a baby that looked like her, was as beautiful as her. She deserved the family she’d always wanted. She didn’t deserve some damaged bastard who’d never be able to give her what she wanted more than anything, who’d already had his shot at fatherhood and lost it.

And yet.

The idea of giving her up made him want to die. It was that simple. After knowing the sweetness of holding her, making love to her, reaching for her whenever he wanted to, life wouldn’t be worth living without her in it. It’d be a marginal existence living in shadow and sorrow, so what was the point?

“Wife,” he answered gruffly, hoping to God she still wanted to be.

“Just my luck,” said the blonde, shrugging before falling back to walk with one of her friends.

***

Maggie had spent Thursday evening cleaning the small, sparsely furnished apartment beside hers that hadn’t been used as someone’s permanent residence since Jenny Lindstrom had vacated it a few years ago. She’d used it for café storage and the occasional visitor to Gardiner, but it would be a nice little place for Gingy. She could keep her eye on him without compromising her own privacy.

On Friday evening, she made a trip up to the Target in Bozeman for a new loveseat slipcover, small flat-screen TV, fresh linens and towels in a deep, masculine forest green, and a few small decorations to make the place feel homier. While the timing of his visit wasn’t terrific, she couldn’t deny how glad she would be to have her cousin near her again.

Unlike the rest of her dark-haired family, Gingy’s hair was a shock of red he’d inherited from his father, not wholly unlike Maggie’s strawberry blonde, and they were both covered with freckles from head to toe. People could easily assume she and Graham were, in fact, blood relations, and it had always drawn her to him in a special way. It was probably part of the reason she had felt so close to him, closer than she did to anyone else in her adoptive family. That and she had spent a good deal of her early adolescence caring for him after her father’s death, his toddler antics cheering those dark days. She would always have a special place in her heart for him, though she didn’t fool herself that he wasn’t trouble.

Which made her wish Nils was home so she could talk to him all about Graham’s visit. He’d offered, a while back, to take Gingy under his wing, and Maggie realized what a relief it was to know that she wouldn’t be alone in his care. Her husband could help her figure things out, and according to their plans, she and Nils would be “dating” by then, so there wouldn’t be a need for secrets or sneaking around.

And at no point during these thoughts did Maggie’s eyes well up with tears or did she feel the sharp sorrow she’d felt on Wednesday night when she realized she’d never have a child with Nils. Sometime between then and now, she’d come to terms with her decision to adopt with him, and though she’d always feel a little wistful about not having a baby of her own, she’d never regret the man standing beside her, so strong, so tender, so loving.

“Penny for your thoughts, Mags,” Paul said on Saturday evening, sidling up to the bar and sitting down.

“Mine are dead dull,” she responded, checking her watch. Eight o’clock? Where had the day gone? Her brows furrowed. Nils’s tour should’ve been back a couple of hours ago, yet he hadn’t stopped by yet. She tried not to read too much into that. She’d been the one to ask for space, right? “Penny for yours instead. How’s Miss Mystic?”

Paul shrugged. “Good, I guess.”

“You guess? Trouble in paradise?”

“Mystic’s a long way away.”

“Aye. It is. You want coffee?”

Paul nodded. “Espresso, please. Holly’s so amazing. In a million years I never thought I’d meet the girl of my dreams on the internet. It feels like it should be impossible that I have feelings this strong for her without ever having met her in person.”

Maggie slid the piping hot mug to him with a smile after fashioning a heart in the foam with a butter knife. “There isn’t one right way to fall in love with someone. Sometimes the route is long and windy. Sometimes it includes a proxy marriage or a secret plan to escape an ex-boyfriend. Or meeting someone on the internet. Meeting someone like Miss Mystic.”

He grinned at her as the front door opened and a young woman dressed in pajama pants, a Boston College t-shirt and a baseball hat stepped into the café. After looking around for a minute like Alice in Wonderland or Dorothy in Oz, she eased onto a bar stool two down from Paul. Turning to face them from under her cap, her eyes looked tired…and a little wary.

“We have a visitor, Paul,” said Maggie lightly, catching the girl’s attention. “From Boston, no less.”

It turned out her name was Jane and she’d just spent the day with Lars, getting ready for a magazine photo shoot in Yellowstone next week. She was, in fact, the personal of assistant of Samara Amaya, the famous supermodel, who, in an unexpected twist, was her cousin, too. After exchanging pleasantries about her job, Paul shifted the conversation back to his love life, which made Maggie wonder about her own. She checked her watch again then glanced at the front door, as though wondering about Nils’s whereabouts would suddenly make him appear.

Jane suggested that it was time for Paul to visit Connecticut and Maggie jumped back into the conversation, not wanting to appear distracted. “Aye, the lass has some good advice, I think.”

Deciding that she’d be distracted by Nils’s absence for the rest of the night if she didn’t go find him, Maggie signaled to Bethany, who was cleaning tabletops.

“Do you play euchre, Jane?” she asked the visitor, thinking that it was time to reinstate their Sunday and Thursday night games, and add some normalcy to things again. “With Lars workin’ so hard on your group we need a fourth tomorrow.”

“Who’s the third?” she asked.

“Lars’s brother.” Maggie felt the flush in her cheeks as she said his name. “Nils.”

“His brother?”

“Aye. ’Twill be fun. Tomorrow night. Seven-thirty, and all the warm milk you like.”

“Thanks, I’ll be here,” said Jane, hopping down from her stool and waving good-bye.

Bethany set her spray bottle and rag on the bar and Maggie turned to her. “Can you close tonight? I thought I’d head home.”

“Sure, Miss Campbell.”

Maggie smiled at the young woman, taking off her apron and folding it quickly. Last time Nils came back from a tour, he had raced to her side. They hadn’t been able to keep their hands off each other. She was starting to feel worried that he hadn’t come to see her. Maybe he was putting some distance between them?

Well, she’d be damned if she’d let that happen. She’d waited too long to be with him. She wasn’t losing him now.

“You think she’s right?” asked Paul, as Maggie passed him on her way to the door.

She stopped and turned to face him. “About what?”

“You think I should do it? Buy a ticket? Go visit Holly?”

She shrugged. “I think you have to follow your heart.”

And then she sailed out the door, determined to take her own advice.

***

When he’d peeked into the Prairie Dawn, she’d been chatting with Paul and a tourist at the bar, looking warm and relaxed, and suddenly Nils couldn’t approach her. Couldn’t watch her face change from easy to fraught. He’d arrived back in town hours ago but had purposely avoided the Prairie. He couldn’t bear the idea that she’d had some time to think and might have decided that her life would be better off without him. It made for the possibility of such a stark and terrifying future, it was actually making him reconsider his choices.

Was there any way to honor the loss of Veronica and Jens while still having a baby with Maggie? Was there a doctor good enough to guarantee her safety? He half hated himself for even considering it, but he couldn’t help it. She’d called him
a scared, guilt-ridden, grieving kid
who’d made that promise, and her words had resonated with him. But did his age or mental state at the time make his word any less binding? It didn’t. Not to mention, his fears for her health and safety were looming and large when he even considered getting her pregnant.

That said…entertaining the fantasy of having a child of his own? With Maggie? That had been a slippery slope, too. Once the idea had settled into his mind, it was more viscerally appealing to him than he could ever have guessed. Despite what had happened to Veronica and Jens, despite his promise to them, despite his very real fears that his child could hurt Maggie as it had Veronica, there was a small part of him that fell a little bit in love with the idea of a child that was half his and half Maggie’s. So much so, that even now, sitting on her stoop, waiting for her to come home, he could feel a slight shiver of longing down his back before shutting down his thoughts and turning them in another direction.

“Nils?”

He looked up to see that direction standing in front of him.

“What’re you doin’ here?”

His heart fell as he stood up, towering over her. Did she not want him here?

She searched his eyes then stepped closer to him, slipping her arms around his waist and resting her cheek against his chest. “Why didn’t you come into the Prairie to let me know you were home?”

His eyes fluttered closed as he put his arms around her, pulling her closer, his relief so overwhelming that he forgot to breathe and finally gulped in a bucket load of air to make up for it.

“I didn’t know if you’d want to see me. I didn’t know how you’d feel, after—”

“I don’t have all the answers yet. But I know this for certain, Nils Lindstrom…” She leaned back and looked up at him, the setting sun over the river making a halo around her head. “…I love you. We stay together. You’re my husband…” She searched his eyes and it dawned on him that she was waiting for him to respond, to finish their self-created vows.

He clenched his jaw and his voice was full of emotion as he murmured, “We stay married.”

Maggie smiled at him, her brave smile, as her eyes brightened with tears. “That’s how I feel.”