Waking Up (27 page)

I sit at one corner of the couch, tucking my feet up Indian style, while he sits at the other, throwing his arm over the back of the couch, one leg resting on the couch, the other stretched in front of him.  He looks so relaxed, but all I can focus on is his arm and how I’d like to cuddle into it.  It seems like we’re sitting so far apart and I wish I hadn’t sat down first. If I move now, he’ll know it’s only because I want to get closer to him.  Trying to rein my thoughts in before I blush and give my thoughts away, I look around the room.  Anywhere, but at him.

He’s watching me, waiting for me to start.  The ball is in my court, but I’m not sure where to start.  There’s so much history between Alex and me.  So many happy times.  So much I want to talk about.  I take a minute to breathe, happy that I have this chance to remember Alex and share him.  The best part of my life.

For a moment, I find it hard to breathe.  
He was the best part of my life.
  Now the memories are.  And I get to share them with someone.  

Locking eyes with Tucker, I find it hard to breathe for an entirely different reason.  His blue eyes, such a contrast to his black hair and olive skin, pierce all the way to my soul.  I swear he sees everything I’m thinking.  Feeling.  I know that’s ridiculous.  He can’t.  But, those eyes…

“There’s no pressure, Adriana.  If you’re not ready to talk about Alex, you don’t have to.  But when you want, I’ll listen.  We can talk about anything else.  Like… when’s your birthday?”

He thinks I don’t want to talk about Alex.  He has no idea how much I want to, but maybe a few questions first will ease some of my tension.

“September 27
^th
.”

“Oh, coming soon.  How old will you be?  Oops, not supposed to ask a woman her age.  Scratch that question,” he says with the most adorable smile on his face.  I didn’t think it was possible to describe such a gorgeous man as adorable, but Tucker just proved me wrong.  Sometimes he comes across as kiddish, but right now he’s… well, he’s adorable.

“I don’t care about that.  I’ll be twenty-six.  How about you?  When’s your birthday, and am I allowed to ask your age?  I guess I could go look it up online if you really don’t want to tell me,” I joke.

I meant it as a joke, but his playfulness has left him and I can’t describe the Tucker in front of me.  He appears hesitant, unsure of answering the question.  It’s weird because I can find this information out myself.

“Uh… I was born Christmas day and I’ll be twenty-four.”  He sounds so sad.

“That must have been a sucky birthday growing up.  How many times did you get stiffed presents or have the two combined?”  I’m trying to sound funny.  Trying to lighten the mood.  He’s so somber all the sudden.

“You would think so,” he says with a small smile.  “But, sick or not, my mom always made sure that I had an amazing birthday and Christmas was her favorite holiday. She put together the most wonderful dinners even when she couldn’t eat them and decorated the house.  She made Christmas and my birthday special.  Grams tried, but it wasn’t the same.  She couldn’t.”

I can see him struggling to find the words.  Not sure if he should say what he’s thinking.  I slide across the couch and grab his hands just like he did for me earlier.  Offering comfort the only way I can think to.

In a soft voice, he says, “She couldn’t give me the two things– people I wanted most.  My birthday and Christmas lost the joy they were supposed to hold.”  He sat there staring at our joined hands, sadness shadowing his face.  I can’t take seeing him this way.  This larger than life man that normally exudes confidence, demands attention, is now sitting before me lost in his past.  So defeated.

Without thinking, I rise up onto my knees and place a kiss to his lips. A gentle kiss, nothing sexual or leading.  I need to offer him more comfort.  I can feel his body tense and I see the shock on his face when I open my eyes.  It takes me a second to open them, lost in the feeling of my lips touching his.  They barely brush across his, but it’s enough to feel how soft his are.  I guess I didn’t expect anything about him to be so soft or tender.  

In a voice barely above a whisper, I say, “That’s for all the birthdays and Christmases you wished for something you couldn’t have, Tucker.”  The audible gasp breaks my heart for the pain he is obviously still feeling all these years later.  He pulls me onto his lap and into his arms.  Normally I would fight this much contact, but it feels nice to be in someone’s arms.  To have the warmth of another person pressing against me.

I tell myself that I’m staying in his lap because he needs the comfort.  That when he wants me to move, I will.  This is how I’m dealing with the guilt of knowing Alex can see me.  So much of me wants to jump off from Tucker’s lap and run to my room to talk to Alex.  Apologize for being so needy.  For needing this contact.  But, that’s just it.  I need this contact, too.  I need to feel a connection with someone living.  And I’ve been pushing everyone else away.

Because they all remind me of Alex.  

Tucker is squishing me to him, running his hand down my hair.  His chin is resting on top of my head.  I wish there was something else I could do to take away the pains from his past.  If holding me for a little while helps him, I’ll sit here until he’s ready to let go.

He has no idea how much he’s helping me too.  Helping to mend some of my broken.

“I cried the whole day before I went to first grade.”  He starts to let me go, but I snuggle into him.  Now that I’m going to start talking about Alex, I find it easier if I’m not looking at him and having him hold me adds an extra layer of comfort.

“I was scared to start school and mom told me a few days before that Adrian and I were going to be in different classes.  Adrian was so much better at making friends than me.  He was funny and outgoing and he liked to play sports.  Kids flocked to him.  Me, I was shy and quiet.  I would hide behind my mom and dad.  I kept crying that no one would like me if Adrian wasn’t there to help me.”

He must have felt the tension telling this story brought on for me because he squeezes me tighter, continuing to run his hands down my back and through my hair.  

“Adrian was brilliant.  Even that young he knew what to say to calm me down.  After hours of me crying, he told me that because we had been in Mommy’s belly together that we shared a piece of each other, so part of him would be in class with me tomorrow.  Thinking back on it now, I wonder how a kid so young thought of something so profound, but I got what he meant and I stopped crying.  I was still nervous, but I was able to breathe.”

I move the inch closer to Tucker that I can, not wanting any space between us.  I’ve forgotten what it feels like to feel… safe, comforted.  Being this close, I can feel the hard wall of muscle that makes up his chest, his arms all muscle, too.  Alex was toned, but he wasn’t solid like this.

I shouldn’t keep comparing them like this, but Alex is the only man I can use as a reference.  He was the only boyfriend I ever had, the only man I was ever with.  He was the only one for me.  My only one.  He was so different from this man holding me.  

In my head, I know it’s wrong to find so much comfort from a stranger, but for the first time in too long, it doesn’t ache to be with another person.  Can’t I have that?  Just for a little while.

“Walking into the school, my dad held one of my hands and Adrian held the other.  My two heroes,” I say smiling into Tucker’s chest, remembering how much I loved my dad.  “When we got to my class, Adrian told me to be a super star and he’d see me at recess.  He squeezed my hand and gave me a hug before walking to his class with mom.  I wanted to cry and beg him to come with me, but I couldn’t.  I couldn’t embarrass him.  I loved him too much.  So I looked at my dad who was smiling at me and we walked into my class.”

I can feel Tucker’s arms tighten around me.  It’s like he knows I’m about to tell him about Alex and he’s already comforting me.  I close my eyes, relishing the moment, feeling the warmth of Tucker’s body, letting the memories wash over me, taking me back to a time when it was simple and I was happy.

               ****************

“Are you ready, Peanut?” Daddy asks me with an encouraging nudge toward the door.

I shake my head yes even though I’m trembling and not ready at all.  I really want to run after Adrian and beg him to come with me.  The kids will like him.  He’s much more fun than me.  I don’t want to go to school.  Why didn’t Mommy make them put us in class together?  I’m so mad at her.

“It will be okay, Peanut.  I’m right here with you,” Daddy says, squeezing my hand and smiling at me.  He’s walking me into the room.  I close my eyes as we enter, scared to see everyone looking at me.  Daddy squeezes my hand again and I open my eyes.

I see bright green eyes, the greenest eyes I’ve ever seen on this blonde boy looking at me from across the room.  I think he’s looking at me.  He’s smiling a really big smile so he must not be looking at me.  He doesn’t know me.

I look around me and Daddy, but there’s no one near us and look back at him.  He’s still looking at me, smiling.  I point at myself and he shakes his head yes.  He is smiling at me, but I don’t know why.

I notice a boy standing next to him.  I don’t know how I missed him.  He’s got brown hair and brown eyes and he’s tall, much taller than the green eyed boy.  He’s smiling at me, too.  Do I have something on my shirt or a booger on my face?  I quickly look at my shirt.  Nothing there.  I turn my back to them and wipe under my nose.  Nothing there.  What’s going on?

I turn around and they’re walking toward Daddy and me.  I squeeze Daddy’s hand, nervous.  I don’t talk to people and the one boy, the brown haired boy, is so big.  He can’t be a first grader like me.

They stop in front of us, the green eyed boy still smiling, his hand extended toward me.  “Hi.  I’m Alex.  What’s your name?”

I shake his hand and try to answer him, but I can’t find my voice.  I open my mouth several times, but nothing comes out.  I know my face is turning red.  I feel it getting hot.  I forget what Mommy calls it when it does that.

“Her name is Adriana,” Daddy says for me.  “She’s a little shy.”

The tall boy steps in front of me.  “Hi, Adriana.  I’m Preston.”  He has a very friendly smile.

Before I can stop the words, I say, “You’re very big.  You can’t be a first grader.”  I cover my mouth, embarrassed that I said that.

He laughs and says, “I hear that a lot.  Some of the kids call me Pencil.  Stupid name,” he jokes.  “I’m in this class with you and Alex.”  He looks at my dad and shyly says, “Is it ok if Adriana comes with us?”

My Daddy has a big smile on his face as he shakes his head yes.  When the parents leave, Alex and Preston ask me to sit with them at the table they picked out.  At ‘get to know a new person’ time, I tell them I love rock music, football, and Superman.  They tell me they love all of those except they love Batman and he is so much better than Superman.

At recess I introduce them to Adrian.  They don’t understand that a boy and girl can be twins at first, but Adrian and I explain it just means we were both in our mommy’s belly at the same time.  They knew that’s what twins were, but they had only seen two girls or two boy twins before.  The four of us play on the swings and slides all recess.

I had so much fun.  

“I told you everything would be okay,” Adrian says as he pushes me on the swing.  He was right.  Everything was okay.  I had made two friends.  I made them without Adrian’s help.  I made them without doing anything.  They’re nice.  I like them.

The recess bell rings and I have to say bye to Adrian again.  It isn’t so bad now because I have my two friends.  I walk back into class and back to our table.  I’m smiling.  I’m not nervous.  I’m not shy.  I don’t need to be.  I have friends.  My own friends.  Not kids who play with me because they like Adrian.  Alex and Preston are my friends.

The teacher has us fill out papers all about ourselves and we color a paper doll to look like us.  I really want to give my girl purple hair because it’s my favorite color, but then it wouldn’t look like me.  I like mixing colors, but Mommy told me this morning to do what the teacher said to do.

At the end of the day, I’m sad to leave my new friends.  The day had gone too fast.  I’m putting the papers for mom to fill out in my backpack when Alex walks over to me, smiling.  I smile back.  I can’t help it.  I’m so happy to have friends.  

“Me and Pres want you to be our new best friend.  Do you want to be?”

I shake my head yes, not able to answer I’m so excited.  I have never had a best friend besides Adrian and now I have two.  I can’t wait to tell Mommy and Daddy.

“Good.  Best friends are forever.  That means we always look out for each other.  See you tomorrow.  Bye, Adri.”  He waves and walks away with Preston waving at me and walking to their bus next to him.

Adri?  I have a nickname now, too.

       *****************

Eyes misted over, but with happy tears this time, I lift my head up and look at Tucker.  I feel my lips split into a huge grin.  The joy spilling out of my heart from sharing that memory can’t be contained.  I had forgotten that Alex was the first person to call me Adri.  

Tucker has no idea the gift he gave me.  He still has his arms around me.  I’m still in his lap.  I know somewhere in me that I shouldn’t be, but I can’t find it in me to care.  For the first time in a long time, I had a full memory of Alex without losing it.  No panic attack.  No urge to stop breathing.  I’m so happy I feel like I could explode.

I want to tell him what this means to me, but there are no words to describe it.  Nothing I can say that will capture the euphoria I’m feeling.

“Thank you, Tucker.  Thank you so much,” I say, never breaking eye contact.  The smile never leaving my face.