Urban Tantra: Sacred Sex for the Twenty-First Century (31 page)

I even learned how to die. I have explored death more than any other aspect of life on my orgasmic journeys in erotic massage. Far from being depressing or frightening, I have found the spiritual connection between sex and death to be profoundly peaceful and enlightening. I have found more peace and life-guiding revelations in these moments than in any other spiritual or sexual practice. My very first experience receiving erotic massage opened the door to this phenomenon for me.

In 1993, Annie Sprinkle and Joseph Kramer facilitated a workshop called Cosmic Orgasm Awareness Week. There were approximately thirty other participants, many of whom, like me, were coping with AIDS, death, and grief. The highlight and centerpiece of Cosmic Orgasm Awareness Week was giving and receiving what I later developed into the Erotic Awakening Massage. It was designed to raise sexual energy for the healing of whatever needed to be healed—whether or not we knew what that was.

Where Credit Is Due

Joseph Kramer—teacher, sex worker, masseur, therapist, AIDS activist, filmmaker, former Jesuit, and sacred intimate—combined what he’d gleaned from his years of study and practice in Tantra, the Tao, rebirthing, and massage into the genital massage technique on which my Erotic Awakening Massage is based. The original cock strokes were developed by Joseph; the original pussy strokes were developed by Annie Sprinkle and Joseph. (I am proud to say that I was the original crash test dummy for the pussy strokes, which debuted at Cosmic Orgasm Awareness Week.) To order instructional videos for these massages, see the resources section at the end of the book.

After several days of giving and receiving the massage, it was once again my turn to receive. I tried very hard not to have any expectations of what might happen. I tried to stay focused on my breath and on my body. My friend Rod a sensitive and skilled bodyworker, was giving me the massage. After a relaxing and sensual massage, Rod began the erotic strokes—specific strokes on my vulva, clitoris, and G-spot. The sexual energy built up in my body like steam in a pressure cooker. Soon I was approaching orgasm, but not any kind of orgasm I had ever felt before. I began to cry. It was so intense, it felt like if I took one more breath I would fly apart. I took the breath anyway. And everything stopped. There was no light, no sound, no touch—nothing. A blue velvet theatre curtain appeared, and it opened as I approached it. Suddenly I was pulled into a tunnel of blindingly bright light that ended in a vast black nothingness. As my eyes got used to the darkness, I saw stars—thousands of stars. Some of these
stars glowed more brightly than others. The brightest star began to speak to me. It was my brother Bill, who had died of AIDS two years before. The bright stars were all my friends who had died. Dozens and dozens of them. I felt myself embraced in one great group hug. “Guys, it is so great to see you all! God, you all look so good! This feels like a big celestial happy hour!”

The feelings of gratitude, fulfillment, and joy at being back together again were overwhelming. I bathed in the love and peace and compassion of my friends. After what seemed like a long time, I felt myself being pulled back and I began to cry again—I wanted to stay. My brother Bill told me what I already knew—that I could not stay.

“You’ve got too much you’ve got to do,” he said.

“What, what is it I’ve gotta do? I can’t take it back there anymore. It’s gotten so bleak and so stodgy and I’m so alone.”

“You’ll find out,” he said. “You’ll find out very soon. You’re on the right path.”

A powerful force pulled me back through the light, and the blue curtain closed when I was on the other side of it. I felt my body around me again. I was still crying, now harder than ever. Then Rod gently draped a sheet over my face and body. It was like being placed in a shroud and dropped into the ground. It was as peaceful and safe as the heavens had been. I felt like I was in the womb. The moment my mind formed this image, I realized I couldn’t stay there either. I had to keep going; I was not yet where I was supposed to be. I cried about that, too. Eventually I began to move my body. I became aware of my breath again. Then I felt my body from the inside out. I had arrived at the place I hadn’t known how to find. I still didn’t know exactly where I was headed, but I knew I had everything I needed to get there: body, breath, and faith. It was all I needed—that, and love. The rest would handle itself.

The Erotic Awakening Massage Has Unlimited Possibilities

It’s been years since I started exploring life, sex, and death with the Erotic Awakening Massage, and it still captivates me. One of its most endearing qualities is that it can be adapted for any style or type of erotic relating. This massage is as appropriate for people who have just met as it is for long-term couples looking for new ways to be sexual. It is especially good for lovers looking for new, creative options for safer sex. If you follow the safer sex protocol modeled in these exercises, you can do this massage with no risk of transmitting HIV or other sexually transmitted diseases.

Receiving the Erotic Awakening Massage makes a great alternative for a lover who is paraplegic or quadriplegic, because of the way that the massage combines breath and erotic touch. With the Erotic Awakening Massage, an erotic sensation that begins in a part of the body with no feeling can travel to and be felt in parts of the body that do have feeling.

The Erotic Awakening Massage can be done in a wide variety of styles, from soft and nurturing to hot and hard. Its effects are equally varied. I have seen people laugh with delight from the moment they begin to receive. I have seen people cry. Whatever the style and the immediate response, the Erotic Awakening Massage is capable of remarkable results. It can create greater intimacy between you and a partner. It can take the pressure off sexual performance, and it can take you to new heights and lengths of pleasure. It can release toxins and heal past sexual traumas. The Erotic Awakening Massage can take you deeper into yourself while stretching the limits of who you think you are. It can unite your sexuality and your spirituality. It is a completely new kind of sexual experience.

Sensual Massage

The first part of the Erotic Awakening Massage is sensual massage. Sensual massage is relaxing, opening, enticing, and educing. Eduction is a more generous form of seduction. When we educe, we draw out someone’s desire; when we seduce, we persuade them to do what we want to do.

The second part of the Erotic Awakening Massage dances to a strong sexual beat and culminates in waves of pleasure and orgasm. Nothing in this massage is intended to be therapeutic, so it is not your intention to fix anything. You don’t need to know deep tissue massage or shiatsu or any other formal massage techniques. You will not be attempting to realign someone’s spine or undo the knot in their shoulder. All you need is your breath and your hands.

The two parts of this massage can be done together or separately. You can also take bits and pieces of them and scatter them throughout your other Tantric rituals and sexual play.

Conscious Receiving and Conscious Giving

You need to know only three things to give a great massage: how to breathe, how to touch, and how to ask for feedback. Similarly, you need to know only three things to receive a great massage: how to breathe, how to give feedback, and how to consciously receive. We’ll talk about the most challenging of these first: conscious receiving.

Despite the advances women have made in the last century, most women are conditioned to nurture and give to others, and to put themselves last—so much so that many women actually get more pleasure out of giving than receiving. When they make love with someone else, they often deny their own pleasure by thinking they are taking too long to orgasm and that their partner must be getting bored. This massage can teach anyone of any gender how to enjoy the gift of a time and space that is all theirs, in which they might receive all the pleasure and love they can take.

It cannot be overstated that receiving is not a passive activity. As the receiver, you will be participating in this massage; it is not something someone is doing to you. When it is your turn to receive, it’s the giver’s job to ask what you’d like and how you’d like it, but it’s your responsibility to say “a little harder” or “a little softer” or “I’d like something completely different.”

When you are the giver, and the receiver gives you feedback—especially unsolicited feedback—you may feel that you have done something wrong. You haven’t. Don’t take it personally; simply honor their request. (Unless, of course, you are asked to do something you do not wish to do or physically cannot do. In that case, politely ask, “What else would you like?”) Say “thank you” in response to feedback. This honors your partner for naming their desire and encourages them to give feedback generously. It also gives you something to say besides “I’m sorry.” Sorry for what? Not being able to read their mind? “Thank you” is much more empowering for both giver and receiver.

How to Breathe

The Erotic Awakening Massage is not so much a massage with conscious breathing as it is a conscious breath process with erotic touch. Framing the massage in this way, it’s easy to remember that your breathing is the key to your pleasure.

When you are receiving the massage, I recommend you use either the Heart Breath or the Circular Breath (see
chapter 4
). Breathe in and out of your mouth through slightly parted lips. Keep your neck and jaw relaxed, and your breath easy
and unforced. Put your concentration on the inhale; let the exhale just fall out. As the energy builds, your breath will get fuller and faster. That’s perfect. Just make sure you’re not forcing it.

When you are giving the massage, it is equally important that you keep your breath conscious. I recommend using the Circular Breath. Also, try to match your breath to your partner’s. It will help you stay at their Resilient Edge of Resistance.

Whole-Hand Touching

The secret of great touch is whole-hand touching. When you touch with your whole hand, it feels like an embrace, as if the touch is actually coming straight from your heart. Many people touch less with their hands and more with their fingertips. This can feel more like poking. Occasional fingertip stroking can be delicious, but massage with fingertips is often symptomatic of fearful touch and is more likely to produce a tickle response. Alight touch is not the same thing as a tentative touch. Alight touch is the conscious use of less pressure; it is intentionally light, not tentatively light.

Let’s try it. First, find the little indentation in the middle of your palm. That’s the heart of your palm. Now touch your thigh or arm, making contact with the heart of the palm first, and then letting the rest of your hand relax around it. That’s whole-hand touching. Whole-hand touching massages the hands of the giver as well as the body of the receiver—a lovely bonus.

Gliding
. The first stroke we’ll do with whole-hand touching is called
gliding
. Try it on your own body. Place your hands on your lower leg, hearts of palms first. Let the fingers just relax around the curves of your leg. Allow your hands to conform to the contours of your ankle and calf. Then slowly pull your hands toward you, allowing your fingers to trail behind. Follow the shapes of the muscles and bones underneath the skin. When you are massaging someone else, you can glide from your partner’s shoulder all the way down their back, over their buttocks, down their leg to their foot, and back again with one long gliding stroke. Don’t lift your hands. Go
slowly
. I have never heard anyone complain that a massage was done too slowly. The secret to gliding is to keep your hands relaxed and pull them toward you; don’t push them away from you.

Kneading
. This is a great complementary stroke to use with gliding. Using your whole hand, press into the muscle, and then suck the flesh into your palm, the way a kitten kneads its mother’s belly to get the milk to flow. Knead with your palm, and let your
fingers follow. This stroke can feel embracing and relaxing or deep and stimulating, depending on your intention. Stay at your partner’s Resilient Edge of Resistance.

Vibrations
. Vibrations are a great way to get muscles to relax. Vibrations can go very deep, but they are not invasive. Try it on your thigh. Place your hands, palms first, on either side of your thigh. Let your fingers relax. With alternating side-to-side motion of your hands, begin a rather fast vibration of your thigh muscles. Feel the resilience in the muscles and skin. Adjust the speed of your vibrations until you feel a natural wave in the muscles of your thigh. If a muscle is tense, it will take faster vibrations to make that wave. As the muscle relaxes, you can slow down. Ideally, you want to use a vibration that’s as effortless and as slow as possible. Vibrations feel particularly great on the buttocks. Try vibrating both cheeks in sync with each other, then out of sync, then in sync again. It feels great, and it’s silly fun, too.

Lifting and holding
. Lifting and holding an arm or a leg can be a lovely way to release tension and practice trust. When you want to move an arm or a leg, be sure to support the joints, holding them with the same whole-hand touch you’ve been using for the other strokes. You can gently pull a limb away from the body and then replace it. Remember, this is not therapeutic massage. Your intention is to help your partner relax and drop into their body.

The Resilient Edge of Resistance
. A sensual massage should not be so soft that it tickles your partner or puts them to sleep. Keep in mind the Resilient Edge of Resistance. Go as deep as you can while still finding resilience. If a muscle becomes rigid, you’ve gone too far. If the muscle feels flaccid, you haven’t gone far enough. Play with the elasticity of the flesh and find the edge where there is both resistance and resilience. That’s where your touch will be the most aware, awake, and pleasurable.