Updrift (12 page)

Kate’s interview went well; she was offered the job, and she accepted it. Dana warned her again she was unlikely to get any actual writing experience that summer; she counseled her to work to understand the publishing process and all that went into putting a monthly magazine together. Kate was to stay with her and Will for the summer, and via correspondence, she would continue chipping away at the courses Carmen and Michael were teaching her.

In March, after fifteen hours of labor, Cara gave birth to a healthy, eight pound, four ounce boy. They named him Everett, and with his first mewling cries, their family life was permanently transformed.

Kate was with her mother and John for the delivery, an experience that forever changed her understanding of what it meant to be a woman and of what it meant to be married to someone and have a baby with him. The theoretical consideration of birthing a child was obliterated by its physical occurrence, a bloody, painful, remarkable event that played out thousands of unremarkable times each day across the world.

Seeing her mom come through the experience as she knew most women did and watching her parents hold their little boy for the first time revealed a fundamental facet of human nature to her in the clearest of terms. The infant’s utter dependence on his parents, and the tangible emotional commitment reflected in their expressions appeared as the biological mandate it was. Kate remembered her mother’s comment to Dana about leaving her baby to go file books at the library, and she suddenly understood no job would outrank caring for Everett now, be it working as a librarian or leading a small country.

Kate also recognized the tenderness and exhaustion in her mother’s eyes, since she had seen these sentiments directed at her so often during her own childhood. She had a new appreciation for what her mom felt and did for her, for what it meant to her to be her mother. Kate was humbled as she slipped her little finger into the tiny hand of her new brother, and she knew the love and responsibility she felt for him was only a shadow of what her mom and John felt at this moment. But her big-sister heart still overflowed with love for her new family and the place she had in it; and with gratitude for the glimpse she’d been given of how much her mother loved her.

* * * *

Admittedly, she was a little jealous during the next months, because Cara and John really did not have time for her. She knew this was not a rejection of her, just a function of trying to have a house, a job, and a family all at the same time, with one member of that family crying, eating and sleeping in two-hour time chunks. Kate didn’t need anyone to make her breakfast, and so no one did. She had to remind herself this didn’t mean anything more than everyone was busy and she could make her own breakfast. She hid her petty feelings by cooking each morning, hoping to appear generous and helpful.

Although she helped care for Everett a little, her mother and John shouldered the bulk of the work involved in keeping him fed, clean, and dry. John tried to get up with the baby one night a week so Cara could get some sleep but she complained she woke up anyway and he shouldn’t bother.

“Someone has to be awake and function in the outside world for the next three months, and I’m not going to be able to cut it, no matter how much sleep I get on Tuesdays.” She smiled tenderly at her husband. “It’s only for a little while, John. I’ll be fine. You do plenty.”

The small amount of help Kate provided by making the occasional meal actually did help her feel better. She never made anything complicated but it was always nutritious and filling, and it met both the need for sustenance and her need to be relied on in some fashion during this period of their lives.

“You’re a lifesaver,” her mother told her, staring with reverence at the poached eggs over spinach Kate had made for her. Her eyes closed after her first forkful. “You put nutmeg in the greens, and I want to live again.” She sighed and ate more.

Fortified she’d helped substantively, Kate could better focus on her course load and contingent assignments, which nearly crushed her. She tackled each and every task each and every day, which made the school year pass by quickly indeed.

Of course she missed Gabe at the end of the year. Again, she couldn’t help feeling their parents orchestrated their segregation although she lacked evidence to confirm her suspicion. She left for her aunt and uncle’s the first week of June so she could begin her job at
Culinaria
magazine. Gabe, she heard, was staying at school an extra week to complete some unspecified independent study course.

She stocked the freezer at home with all manner of quick dishes and sauces, accompanied by notes on how to prepare them. She cried letting go of little Everett. “It figures,” she sobbed. “He’s just starting to sleep during the night and stay awake during the day. I’m going to miss so much this summer.”

John was the first to hug her goodbye. “We’ll send pictures every day,” he promised. He lightly punched her arm. “It’s gonna seem empty around here without you. Try not to get too fond of Philadelphia, okay?”

Her mother hugged her hard and kissed her forehead. “I love you so much, honey. Be careful in that big city for me, won’t you?” She told them she wasn’t likely to get out of the office long enough to get in any real trouble, so not to worry. And she was off.

Once installed at Dana and Will’s, she organized her things and leafed through the math book Michael had sent along for the course she was to finish that summer. She couldn’t wait to get that credit behind her, and she started the first assignment before going to bed that night.

The enormity of her endeavors hit her as she switched off her light. In the dark and without the sounds of her parents and baby brother around her, she felt an overwhelming loneliness. Why was she doing this? If she was successful, this effort would only take her more quickly away from the nurturing comfort of home, a home she wouldn’t have for much longer anyway if she followed the normal life’s path of people her age. She became plagued with self-doubt. From what Dana had told her, her new boss was a taskmaster with an eagle eye for errors and no tolerance for imperfection. Who did she think she was, she wondered? And what was she thinking, tackling a job like this on top of college coursework? She cried herself into a fitful sleep, missing her mother horribly, confident she would fail at her volunteer job. At least if she did fall flat on her face, she could go home.

She didn’t feel significantly better the next morning but she decided to wait and see if the worst would happen rather than expect it. Dana and Will were all business as they prepared to leave for work, each draining two cups of coffee and reading three newspapers while Kate made herself an egg and toast.

“Keep your head down and your nose to the grindstone,” Dana advised before breezing out the door. Something in Kate’s expression must have given her pause, although Kate wasn’t sure if she intended to comfort or scold her. Dana patted Kate’s arm awkwardly. “Buck up, now.” And then she and Will left.

Kate’s first day passed at light speed, became her first week, and then her first month before she could take a breath. She followed Dana’s advice and kept focused on her work, which proved to be the only path to survival as an employee—even an unpaid one—at
Culinaria
. Her supervisor, Vicki Simons, deserved her reputation as a fear-mongering workaholic. Kate stayed on top of her assignments and out of Vicki’s way.

Still, work was pretty much her whole life that summer. Aside from happy hour interactions with her coworkers, which made her job almost enjoyable, her only other social activity that summer consisted of texts and e-mails with Gabe and Maya. Gabe didn’t seem to have the same restrictions during the summer as he’d had during the school year but neither was he as warm and intimate as he’d been with Kate in person. She considered the possibility he was policed, which felt ridiculous, or that he no longer hoped they would become involved, which seemed more likely.

She decided not to think about it anymore. From her current vantage point as a young woman working for a college degree and basic career skills, she wasn’t going to be available, especially with Gabe at his school and her at hers. She stopped herself from remembering their exchange in the garden last August, and with the insulating factors of time and distance, decided she didn’t feel so sure she would one day be with him.

But she reveled in her bantering exchanges with Gabe and Maya, which made her cry with loneliness even as she laughed at what they wrote. Dana and Will travelled for business two to three days each week, and their beautiful home felt especially cold and empty when she was alone. When she traded missives with Gabe and Maya, she felt her friends’ camaraderie wrap around her like a security blanket, helping her retain a sense of herself she would otherwise have lost. At work, she had to be careful not to presume or make mistakes; she felt drained of her personality, as if she was merely a picture of herself. Writing back and forth with her friends reminded her who she was and delivered a measure of comfort she desperately craved.

By the end of the August, she had completed another college course and managed to survive her pseudo job at
Culinaria
. And while Vicki Simons didn’t send her off warmly, she handed Kate her business card and told her to call next spring. “You were more a help than a hindrance this summer, and that’s refreshing in a new person. The staff liked you too. Call me next March, and I’ll see if I can find a place for you.” Kate thanked her nervously and all but ran out of there.

Her aunt was delighted with Vicki’s parting comments. “Good work. That bodes well for you for next summer.” Having barely made it through this summer, Kate couldn’t bring herself to feel excited about doing it all over again next year. She smiled wanly at Dana and excused herself to pack.

She was ecstatic to get home. Everett was an entirely different baby by this time, smiling, grabbing everything and trying to hold himself up on all fours. He’d started sleeping through the night sometime in the middle of the summer so Cara and John seemed a little less exhausted than they had when she’d left. They both hugged her tightly when she arrived, telling her again and again how much she’d been missed.

“You’ve matured,” her mom commented approvingly.

“I sure feel like I’ve been gone a lot longer than three months.”

Maya was away at a volleyball clinic when Kate returned, and she wasn’t able to see her until a few days before school began. The two jumped up and down at their reunion, giddy to be in each other’s company again. Maya was taller and leaner and…something else Kate struggled to define. She settled on self-possessed. Maya reminded her very much of Solange now, her bearing and confidence stronger than she remembered.

Gabe, predictably, had been sent to his boarding school two weeks earlier. The only hint Kate received he still thought about the two of them came in August in the form of an e-mail on Luke and Solange’s anniversary. “Happy anniversary, Kate,” was all it said. She quelled the butterflies she felt in her stomach, unwilling to think about his touch, kiss, and the emotions she’d experienced that night. When they next saw each other, would she still feel the same way? Would Gabe’s companionship seem as magical to her? She tried very hard not to think about it.

* * * *

Her senior year was an almost identical copy of her junior year, although she had no interest—and little participation—in the normal social dramas of teenage society. With the exception of Maya, her classmates were at best tolerant of her and at worst dismissive because she was such a flaming all-work-and-no-play achiever. She nursed some level of resentment related to this situation, although her loneliness was less profound than it had been in Philadelphia. With everyone’s encouragement, she stayed the aggressive academic course she was on and generally felt superior to her classmates with active social lives. She told herself she would leave for college in a few short months, and she didn’t care if she wasn’t a part of anything here.

Maya protected Kate somewhat from her self-imposed isolation, because Maya
was
popular and integrated into various cliques, and with her sponsorship, Kate was included, without any particular enthusiasm on her part or that of her peers, in group activities from time to time. And while she disliked the constant worry she had over whether these activities were worth the social awkwardness and the time away from her studies, she enjoyed giving the appearance of normalcy, to her family and perhaps most of all to herself.

She graduated at the top of her class but declined to give the valedictory speech. Who honestly wanted to hear what she had to say about a collective high school career where she wasn’t really part of the collective? She felt proud of her small rebellion, deferring to the class salutatorian to speak instead, arguing he had a better-rounded experience and a stronger rapport with the student body. Dana disapproved of her decision.

“You shouldn’t shy away from an opportunity like that, Kate. It’s a nice thing to mention to people you want to impress.” Kate silently but vehemently disagreed. She couldn’t imagine a conversation where her telling someone she’d given a speech in high school would make them want to spend any time with her whatsoever.

Her mother backed her up, both in private and with the school. “These last two years have been too hard on you. I can’t stand how sad and lonesome you seem. I don’t want you to give a speech you don’t want to give. In fact, I don’t want you to do anything more you don’t want to do.”

“Does that include going to college?” Kate teased, expecting her mother to revert back to her
you’re almost done
encouragements. She instantly regretted her comment when her mom’s eyes filled with tears. “I honestly don’t care if you wait to go. We need help at the library; you’re already two years into your degree. Please take a break if you want.”

Kate had already agreed to another summer internship at
Culinaria
, an opportunity Dana assured her many aspirants would give up a kidney for. Kate avoided her mother’s gaze to escape her concern. She just couldn’t consider what Cara offered, although she appreciated the sentiment behind it.