Authors: Lilly Wilde
“We’d be happy to,” he replied. I smiled for the camera, noticing the photographer was from The Boston Globe. Typically the same photographers stalked these events but I didn't recognize this guy. I would contact them tomorrow and get the picture before it circulated the media outlets. I didn't need any additional crazed wives popping up. I eased from Eric’s embrace immediately after the camera’s flash.
“So what brings you to Boston?” I asked.
“Business. I was meeting with the head of Boston International who invited me to attend tonight’s event.”
“What line of business are you in Eric?” I asked.
“Oh, that’s right. We never really discussed many personal details, did we?”
“No, we didn’t.” And this was precisely why, I thought to myself; to avoid situations such as this.
“I’m in commercial shipping.”
“Hmmm.”
“Being that Boston is the oldest continuously active port in the country, I’m in Boston at least twice a year.”
“I see. It was nice seeing you Eric. I see someone from work and I need to say hello,” I lied as I tried for an escape.
“Aria, wait. Any chance we can meet for drinks later? We had an amazing time last year. It would be nice to get reacquainted.”
“I don’t think that’s a good idea Eric. It’s best we keep the past in the past. Enjoy your evening.”
I walked away, grabbing a glass of champagne from the tray of the nearest waiter. I did the normal things one does at such events... shaking hands, small mentions of business, smiling and inconsequential small talk. The orchestra was playing softly in the background. It was beautiful. Aiden would have appreciated it; I was sure. I caught a few unwelcomed glances from Eric but managed to avoid him the remainder of the evening.
The dinner and the speeches were also very standard; however, my anticipation soared as we neared the part of the evening in which we could thoroughly enjoy the talents of the Boston Symphony. One piece was so beautiful and emotionally invoking that I bit my lip in an effort to suppress the well of tears that threatened to escape. The last selection signified that the evening was coming to a close; I’d hidden in the shadows of this event long enough. I said a few goodbyes as I made my way to the exit.
Arriving home after the charity dinner, I tossed on some PJ’s and grabbed a bottle of wine in preparation of reading my mother’s text, knowing that the wine would allow me to swallow her words a lot easier. After the second glass, I grabbed my phone.
Hello Aria,
I hope you’re doing well. I would have preferred to call but I know you’re always extremely busy and don't typically answer my calls. You’ve been in my thoughts so often these last few weeks. I know we aren't as close as we once were due to my issues but I hope to change that. I have made some significant long-overdue changes in my life that I wish to share with you. I'm hoping these changes will open the door to our being a real family again. Your sisters and I miss you terribly and hope to see you soon. Please call me. I love you. Mom
.
This was not what I had expected. I didn’t know how to interpret this. Over the years since graduating from college, my mother made an annual attempt to reach out to me to either make me more inclined to come home or to put my mind at ease regarding her mental state or maybe it was to redeem herself, whatever the case, I never bought into it. I think she thought that if I didn't perpetuate negative perceptions of her, I would ingratiate myself back into the family. Of course it didn't happen, I typically reached out to her in some aspect; however, by calling one of my sisters just to check that everything was ok or I would send a mass text to them all as a hello and how I was doing. In return they would tell me everything was great and that was the end of that.
This time it was different. My mother acknowledged that there had actually been a problem whereas in the past, she only made futile attempts to placate the situation. Had something truly happened to alter her view of reality? Was she finally coming back to us? I didn't dare hope as I was afraid of the disappointment that I would endure if I was inaccurate in the assessment derived from just a few words. Maybe I was reading too much into this because I needed something to hold onto before I crumbled.
I thought back to the unbearable days of my childhood. Every day began with heart-wrenching pain and it ended the same. Every day I watched Mom transform; sinking deeper into despair. Her grief and insurmountable depression took its toll on all of us. It hardened my heart. It also resulted in my resentment of her.
I had longed for the expressive, exuberance of the mother that departed shortly after Dad left but there was nothing. The one time I witnessed any passion at all was regarding the mail. I had checked the mail one day and she became extremely upset or maybe anxious was a better description. She explained that she had been submitting letters to publishers and preferred that only she check the mail. The letters very well could have been from publishing houses, but I strongly suspected that her rigid mail-checking had little to do with publishers and more to do with Dad. If that had truly been the case, she would have never mentioned that to us, especially me.
I had gone astray when I finally accepted that my father wasn’t coming back. I began skipping school, hanging with other rebels and basically giving mom a very difficult time. She didn’t have a clue as to how to deal with me other than forcing me to meet with a school counselor twice a week, which yielded less than desirable outcomes. The only thing that reached me and began my cycle of redemption was another loss; Vicky had committed suicide. She and the other group of kids that I’d befriended were all from broken homes. Vicky had it worse than any of us, she was being severely abused and she felt she had no way out. I never thought she would end her life; but when she did, it had been a wakeup call for me.
After Vicky’s death, I had made every possible effort with counseling. I was able to recover from the grief and deal with the reality of living in absence of my father and to a lesser degree, my mother. It also afforded me the strength to be there for my sisters in a way that my mother couldn’t. I think a part of me hated her, at least the person she had become because of a man. She was the source of the conviction that I carried with me from then until now- that men were only good for one thing. I vowed to never give my trust or love to a man. I would never place myself in a position to allow life to take chances with me. I would create and follow my own path, not one that I was forced to follow due to the actions of others like my mom or Vicky had to.
My pain had been a powerful motivator. I had refused to let love alter my view of reality because as I saw it, love could only result in one of two outcomes: empty and pathetic like mom or dead like Vicky. Therefore I focused all of my energy on me; I became a focused, determined, controlled being and nothing had ever caused me to falter my stance until now. I couldn’t understand how Aiden’s presence could affect me so distinctly but it had. Would he be the one to destroy me? Was this karma for cutting my family out of my life? For my contemptuous view of my mother?
Without further thought, I tapped the phone icon to dial my mother. She answered on the third ring.
“Aria?” The questioning in her voice was understandable as this was my first attempt calling her in years.
“Is that you sweetheart?”
“Hi Mom, yes it's me.”
There was silence.
“It's so great to hear your voice Aria. How are you?”
I’m fucked up. I did the one thing I said I would never do.
“I'm great Mom,” I lied. “So, I read your text and wanted to call and see how you were doing?”
“I'm fine Aria. Actually I am better than fine.”
“Really? Well, that's great! You sound ...uh...different.”
She laughed. “I feel different Aria.”
I couldn't clearly recall the last time I had heard Mom laugh. The sound was nostalgic.
“I'm not sure I understand,” I said.
“In short, I guess I would say that I’ve awakened from my deep depressing sleep.”
“Well, yes that is a short recap,” I added smiling to myself. “But what happened ... I mean I'm so happy for you but I'm also curious as to what prompted it?”
“Seeing life Aria. My eyes were closed to it for so many years. Yes, I woke up and got out of bed, most days anyway, but I was empty inside. I stepped out on life, on my children. For that, I will never be able to forgive myself.”
“Mom if you are really okay, there is nothing to forgive and no need to blame yourself. This is not your fault. It's Dad's.”
“Aria I'm responsible for myself...not your father, not my children…me.”
“You still haven't said, what happened?”
“Well, it actually all began one day in the park. The girls had urged me to get out of the house and I didn't have any idea of where I could go and continue to be alone, which is what I preferred. I just wanted to be alone. The first place I thought of was the pond where I used to take you girls. I thought I would feed the ducks in solitude and then get back home. I was sitting there, not really thinking of anything, just focused on feeding the ducks.”
She continued. “The sound of a child's laughter pulled my attention toward people sitting nearby. I looked over and saw…well, I guess you can say I saw happiness. I just sat there and stared at them. I actually couldn’t stop staring at them. They looked to be a family; a mother, father and three adorable little girls. As I looked at them, I noticed the tender glances between the man and the woman. I saw how they looked at their kids and they were all smiling and laughing. I must have stared at them for a half hour or so and then something in my heart broke. I began to sob and someone sat down beside me and asked if I were okay. I pulled myself together and talked to this stranger revealing the depths of my soul. He opened his wallet and pulled out a business card and told me to use it. It was the name of a therapist. He said that he had seen her many years ago after losing his family and that she was someone who had brought him out of the same pit I had been dwelling. One day, I worked up the nerve to call and scheduled an appointment and I have been on the path to me every since.”
I was quiet; taking in all of this unforeseen information.
“It was very difficult. There were days where I wanted to crawl back into my shell but the therapist would call and check on me or the man I had met in the park would send me an inspirational text and I forced myself to continue with the therapy. I’m now finally able to face what I had put you girls through. And I am so sorry Aria. I know I am the reason you never come home. I am the reason you are out there alone without a family and I want to change that.”
Tears were falling down my cheeks. My mother actually sounded like my mother. I hadn't heard the sound of life in her voice in over ten years. I had blocked out so many memories and thoughts for fear of facing more hurt. Sitting here now, on the verge of what could be life altering, frightened me. I wiped the tears and forced myself to swallow the rest of them.
“Mom that sounds amazing. How are Lia and Bianca?” I asked.
“They’re great. They’re actually out with some friends. They had an overnight and they haven't come home yet. They’ve been wonderful. We've had so many special moments lately and the only thing missing is you. We want to see you Aria.”
My heart accelerated at the thought of going back home. The thought of the hurt and loneliness I felt there would be too much to bare.
“Mom, it would be great to see you all too but I don't think I’m ready to come home. Maybe we can meet and have a family weekend.”
“That actually sounds wonderful Aria. Do you have any ideas?”
Immediately a location popped into my head. I smiled. “How about the happiest place on earth?”
“The happiest place on earth? Wherever would that be?” she asked.
“Disney World Mom!”
We both laughed.
“You know, that would be perfect. The girls and I have never been and I think we would all have a wonderful time.”
“Check with the girls and let me know which days would work and I’ll work out the flight and hotel arrangements and I will call you in a few days with the details.”
“You don't have to pay for this Aria. I can cover the cost of this trip.”
“Mom, it's ok. I want to do this for us.”
“Okay, but only if you’re sure.”
“I am. I’m actually quite excited.”
“So am I. I can't wait to tell the girls.”
“Okay, tell them I said hello and that I love them. I’ll talk to you soon.”
“Okay, I love you Aria.”
“I love you too Mom.”
I hung up the phone with a myriad of feelings: hopefulness, fearfulness, happiness, amazement, excitement. Like most people who run from memories, feelings or relationships – deep down the desire to face those demons is there. And I, like most people, was eager to make an attempt to restore my relationship with my family. Although somewhat hesitant to admit it, I missed them deeply. I needed them. And they needed me.
I grabbed my laptop and began searching for information on Disney vacations. After seeing the many family package options, I decided it best to contact my travel agent and let her arrange it all. I located her name in my phone, typed a quick email to her detailing what I wanted and possible dates.
I tapped the send button and smiled to myself. I was actually more excited and happy than I dared hope. I quickly found myself wondering if this was a good idea. Was this all going too fast? Maybe I should check in with Lia and Bianca to get a better read on the situation with Mom before committing anything further. After a few moments of deliberation, my head was beginning to ache and I was frustrated. I decided to stop analyzing and just go with it. But then again, the last time I didn’t analyze something and just “went with it”… I exposed myself to the bullshit that was Aiden Wyatt.
Where the fuck was he anyway and why had he made not one attempt to contact me? I missed him. I wanted to hear his voice, to see him, to be in his arms and in his bed. I swallowed those desires and went in search of another bottle of wine.
The next two weeks of work were starting to feel like work again. Not the place I went to play games with Aiden. I still hadn’t heard from him. It had been three weeks and not one word. If I didn’t know it when he first disappeared, I definitely knew now that he was done with me. The thought of this, of course, hurt but I was determined to view it as a learning experience and not give any more thought to him or my pain. He was just another broken piece of me, a piece that I sealed away in the box with the others.
I had been talking to Mom, Lia and Bianca more over the recent weeks. Mom was still happy and…well just Mom. It felt really good. I was even considering a trip home later in the year.
We were headed to Florida Thursday. Due to the state of the company I couldn’t be out of the office for more than two days and even then I was questioning the timing. We had yet to hear of the status of the company’s direction. Just that his son was assuming some type of leadership that would be formally announced in the near future.
*****
The Disneyworld trip was amazing. My mom, sisters and I had such an enjoyable time that we hated for it to end. We said our tearful good-byes at the airport terminal with them making promises to visit me in Boston within the next couple of months.
I had work the next day and hadn’t checked my work email very much over the course of my vacation. I did see one or two emails announcing that Mr. Raine’s son, Wyatt had assumed leadership of the company. I would imagine that the announcement did quiet much of the upheaval and from what Blake had shared with me; Wyatt was a force to be reckoned with. He had been visiting several of the company’s, along with his restructuring staff. There was a fragment of worry in regards to that. RPH had been very successful over the last few years but we were not on target with Mr. Raine’s strategic plan. I wonder if that meant RPH would be restructured and what that meant for my job.