Untangle Me (24 page)

Landslide

I kept fucking everything up. How did I let my life become ruled by alcohol? The one person I cared about more than anything in the world—Sophia—I had placed on the back burner. I had become selfish and thought only about myself. She is my happiness, and I focused too much on what had gone wrong, instead of all the wonderful things that had fallen into my lap unexpectedly. I finally had something to look forward to for the first time in weeks—Sophia had booked a flight.

She would be here tomorrow, and the place was a mess. I was a mess. I needed to clean the apartment and stay sober—I could do it for her. I wouldn’t choose the bottle over her. My phone chimed and I ran to look at the message.

Sophia: What are you doing baby?

Me: Starting to clean. This place is a pigsty and the guys haven’t bothered cleaning up after themselves.

Sophia: Not going to lie in bed and wallow in a bottle today?

Ouch. Fuck.
I deserved that, she had no reason to believe in me anymore. I would have to earn her trust again.

Me: No, Soph. I’m staying sober… done drinking. It hasn’t solved any of my problems, just seemed to cause more. I need to start coming up with a plan for my future—our future.

Sophia: That’s a good attitude. Hopefully they aren’t empty words.

I meant every word I spoke to her. I needed a plan, but somehow the bottle always called me, filled with false promises.

Me: I know you don’t believe me, but I’ll prove it to you. Just don’t give up on me, don’t leave me.

I spent all day scrubbing floors, vacuuming, and cleaning the bathrooms. I went to the grocery store and purchased all her favorites, I dumped out the bottles of liquor that I had in my bedroom and moved my roommates’ bottles into their rooms. I couldn’t stare at their bottles and have the temptation in plain view.

Sophia: I’ve missed you.

Me: I’ve been here all along.

Sophia: You haven’t been the man I fell in love with. You’ve been noticeably absent in my life.

Me: I’m back, Sophia. I can’t even explain how happy I am that you’ll be here tomorrow. You’re the most important thing in my life.

She is everything to me, she made me feel whole. I had been acting like a fucking fool and a selfish prick. I’d be devastated without her. A job is just that—a job. I could find another job or line of work. As long as I had Sophia by my side, I could do anything. I wanted to be worthy of her love.

I don’t think Sophia had experience with an alcoholic, she wouldn’t understand what my body is currently battling. I’ve been going through withdrawals all day and I prayed they stopped before she arrived. I looked like shit and felt even worse. My body shook uncontrollably. I knew a drink would take the edge off, but I couldn’t take the chance of falling down the rabbit whole. I needed to deal with the effects of withdrawal naturally and not with a Bloody Mary.

Goodbye NOLA

I needed to touch him—remind him of what he had to fight for. We’re made for each other and brought together at this moment in time for a reason. I need his passion and Kayden needed a constant. Our experiences have molded us into people that fit perfectly together. He couldn’t throw that away, and I sure as hell wasn’t going to allow him to do it either.

My heart raced, almost bursting through my chest, as I walked through the airport. Walking through security I could see Kayden waiting for me. Leaning against a wall, he looked nervous and a little worn down. He smiled sweetly when he saw me and looked handsome as always in jeans, t-shirt, and sandals. My pace quickened, I couldn’t wait another second to be wrapped in his arms. I inhaled him and was bombarded with a mix of smells—stale vodka and the man I love.

I looked up into his beautiful sad green eyes. “You haven’t been drinking today, have you?” I couldn’t help but ask, scared to get in his truck if he had. I held my breath waiting for him to answer.

“Not today, baby doll,” he replied. Squeezing me tighter, I could feel his body shaking.

“You’re shaking Kayden. Are you all right?”

“I’m great. I’m just so excited and happy to see you,” he said smoothly.

Bullshit.
He’d never shook before; no less excited this time than he had been before. I knew the symptoms of withdrawals, his body craving alcohol. He needed it. My heart sank with the knowledge that he had been experiencing physical pain. Was he a full-blown alcoholic—always been an alcoholic, or had the last couple weeks just taken a toll upon his body?

Thinking back on our time together, Kayden always had a drink in his hand, but then again so did I. We didn’t stay home during our time together; we always found our way to a bar or a club. He never seemed affected by the drinking either, where I became drunk or buzzed. I guess the signs had been there, but I never made the connection.

He grabbed my bag and holding my hand as we walked to his truck. Quiet filled the air during our walk. Would we start this trip the same as we always had before? Our relationship wasn’t merely physical, but we needed it like the air we breathed. He threw my bag in his truck. He turned around, facing me, and drew me into a soul sucking kiss. I’ve missed his commanding kiss, searing touch, and suffocating passion. I needed the reassurance that we are okay—that he is okay.

He grabbed me, turning my body away from his, pushing me against the hood of his truck. I could hear the zipper of his pants moving quickly. Was he really going to fuck me right here, in the open? My heart pounded from the fear of being caught, sounding like thunder filling my ears. Cool air caressed my flesh as he lifted the back of my dress. Placing his hand on my shoulder, he used the leverage to push his hard cock inside me. I rested my hands on the hood, trying to find anything to hold on to. This is the man I know, filled with lust and longing that he couldn’t wait to be buried inside me.

I couldn’t focus on our surroundings. Were there other people nearby? Cameras? My mind raced with thoughts, but the battering of his cock drove all rational from my brain. I was mindless with lust and longing for Kayden. I only cared about the feeling of him inside me and his skin grazing my ass. He held both of my shoulders, making me immobile, unrelenting in his pursuit of release.

His breathing came quick and erratic, as his body shook. “Fuck,” he moaned. He filled me with his warmth as his body became limp against my back.

“Jesus.” I had never been so reckless in my life and couldn’t think of another word to express my surprise. He pulled his cock out of me, causing his cum to run down my inner thigh. I laid there in shock for a moment before moving. Had I just allowed him to fuck me outside? I loved when Kayden became all caveman—taking me, not asking, just ravaged my body and used me entirely.

Kayden turned my limp body, propping my back against the truck, and kissed me deeply. His kiss conveyed all the emotions that he felt in that moment—love, lust, sadness, longing, and comfort. Breaking the kiss, he stared into my eyes. “I love you, Sophia. I’m in love with you, consumed, head-over-heels in love. My life would end without you… I need you; don’t ever leave me, Sophia.”

Lost in his eyes and absorbed in the emotion of the moment, I caressed his face. “I’m yours… always,” I said. “I’ve searched my entire life for you, and I’m not willing to throw you away so easily. Don’t shut me out anymore.”

He rested his forehead against mine with his eyes closed. “I never shut you out. I don’t know how to explain it to you. The darkness that’s consumed me is caused by you not being here. My work helped keep my mind and body occupied in your absence, but without you to touch and hold…I have nothing. The bottle becomes my only comfort. It’s been a constant in my life.” He paused and swallowing hard before continuing, “I’ve always been discarded or used by women, but I’ve used them for my own pleasure as well. After being hurt so much I knew I could only rely on myself, my heart hardened, and I became a user. You changed my world, Sophia.”

“I love you, Kayden,” I said kissing his lips tenderly. “Take me home.”

We spent the weekend enjoying the French Quarter and New Orleans. I didn’t ask to go to Bourbon Street or anything revolving around liquor. The temptation would be too great for Kayden, and unfair of me to put him in that position. The city had so much more to offer; culture, art, quaint coffee shops, unique stores, and historic sites—plenty to fill a lifetime without staggering into a bar.

I could understand why people lived here even with the danger. It was old and romantic. The city parks and old churches added life and charm to this old town. The smells and sounds were intoxicating. The city had a history and a story to tell if you bothered to listen. The people were charming and kind, filled with southern hospitality. We sat on the old church steps, enjoying some coffee, and watching the people move about their day. Kayden and I always talked so free and open, but all weekend an invisible barrier separate us. I needed to hear his story, the secrets. I needed to know before I left. My heart sank at the thought of leaving this man behind. Could I leave him again?

“Kayden, you keep saying you have things to tell me about your past… can you share them with me? It’s not fair to keep dangling them in front of me and never share the details,” I pleaded.

“I’ve just tried to shelter you from my past. I don’t think you could ever imagine what my life has been like, it’s so much worse than you can imagine,” he said.

I grabbed his hand, enclosing it in mine. “Kayden, I love you for everything you are now, not for what you were. I want to know all of you, what made you into the man you are today, the man that has consumed my every thought and captured my soul.”

He lifted my fingers to his lips kissing them. Opening my palm, he nuzzled his face into the warm of my hand. “I struggled with drugs in my youth, every kind imaginable. My life consisted of getting my next fix, booze, and women.

My marriage ended because of my drinking. My wife, Danielle, made me so absolutely miserable that drinking was the only thing I looked forward to in my day. I met Lisa shortly after my marriage ended and she wrapped me up in her world. I already told you how that ended; fuck, she was a manipulative bitch.

After my arrest, I had nowhere to go. Lisa had driven every person I loved out of my life. My mom didn’t want anything to do with me and I was truly alone. I lived in a homeless shelter and they enrolled me in their alcohol abuse program. I worked in their store in exchange for a roof over my head. It was the single lowest point in my life,” he said. He tried hard the last year to be a better man and stay on the straight and narrow.

“I need to feel a purpose in life, keep myself occupied. My job was my purpose for so long, and then you came into my life. My life was simple before you; work, sleep, eat, and repeat. Sometimes I’d call someone for a night of lust, but no further attachments. You sucked me in and consumed my every thought. Every time I have to say goodbye to you a small piece of my heart breaks. Without work to keep me busy and you so far away… I feel lost,” he told me.