Authors: Bernadette Azizi
“Everything is ready sir,” he stated to Richard as he walked past him and pointed across the stream, up a small green hill.
“Thank you, Adam. Shall we?” Richard took my hand and led the way. I was now upset with myself. Richard seemed to be so comfortable grabbing my hand whenever he wanted to, and that was completely my fault. I should never have given him the green light to begin with. I let go of his hand and stopped halfway across the bridge to lean over and look at the stream. I took a deep breath. With my eyes closed, I thought of James.
The bridge would not have been 5-metres long and had dates and initials dating back to the 1600s scratched into it. I was fascinated. I closed my eyes and easily imagined the garden parties of the ladies and gentleman of the era, enjoying each other’s company. I let my hand slide against the stone wall as I crossed it. The feeling was overwhelming.
“Beautiful isn’t it?” Richard queried.
I opened my eyes but didn’t answer, still overwhelmed with my feelings.
“I had my staff organise a picnic lunch for us. I hope that’s alright,” Richard asked, doubting himself.
“This is too much. Honestly I don’t know why this is happening,” I confessed.
“Please… do not be embarrassed, this is nothing.” He pointed to the extravagant picnic. “It is you that is too much!” he said in a soft voice.
I looked at him, puzzled.
Over lunch Richard did most of the talking. He made me feel comfortable. We talked about so many different things: the land, property and the home where he grew up and its history.
“I don’t understand.”
“You don’t understand what exactly?” he asked, intrigued.
“Your family, that big house. Just you and your parents… It’s so big.”
“My parents had always wanted many children. I remember my father told me once that he and my mother wanted the house full of children. But that was not meant to be,” he said as he drank his glass of wine. “My mother died when I was two. My father was heartbroken and never remarried. So it remained just the two of us in that house until he died, 20 years later. Now it’s just Mark and I. History repeating itself,” he joked making light of a sensitive subject.
“I am so sorry. How awful for you both to lose her so early on in your lives.”
“It was a long time ago now and I have no real memories; only what my father has told me.”
“And what happened to your wife? Oh, please forgive me!” I backtracked. “I am way out of line.” I turned away.
“No, please, it’s alright… I wanted a house full of children too, but Mark’s mother didn’t. She would have been happy with no children. That is why Mark stays with me,” he explained. He moved closer to me on the grass.
“You must be missing your family back in Australia”?
“Well… I do miss them, but it has nothing to do with Australia.”
He had a puzzled look on his face and waited for me to elaborate.
“I am also an only child; I lost my parents in a car accident years ago. I should have gone as well, but I guess it just wasn’t my time,” I smiled.
“That’s awful, I’m sorry, I had no idea.”
“How could you, its fine.”
“Please, if you don’t mind me prying, what do you mean by, you were supposed to go as well?”
“Well the trip that my parents had organised was for their wedding anniversary and we were all to head down south, to our farm. We planned this trip for so long, trying to get dates that would suit everybody’s work schedule and my schooling. Finally the dates were set. The night before we left, I remember lying in bed for hours, unable to sleep, feeling uneasy; like I had a big exam or something. My excitement for the trip somehow turned to fear. I didn’t share my feelings with anyone, embarrassed, I suppose. The next morning, at the last minute, I decided not to go, I’m still not sure why. My parents were very upset, it hurt them… I never saw them again.” I exhaled, confused as to why I shared a story that had disturbed me for such a long time.
I finally looked up at Richard, who was surprisingly quiet.
But unfortunately for me, the silence didn’t last for long.
“I… don’t know what to say. I can’t comprehend what that would be like to go through. Just when I think it’s not possible to like you more. I have to tell you, when I first saw you at the college, you caught my eye purely because of your beauty. I could not get you out of my head for weeks. Then that day at the cottage, seeing you hurt and terrified, I realised I would have done anything to protect you, anything. I have never felt like that about any other woman in my life. Last night walking with you through the village, and having you next to me at breakfast this morning…” he paused, “I feel like I am playing with fire.”
“You
are
playing with fire!” I warned.
I got up and walked a few metres away. I could hear Richard approaching me from behind. I felt awful. I wanted to hate him but there was nothing to dislike. But I loved James, not Richard. Richard stood so close behind me I could feel him breathing.
“I am sorry, I said too much. I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable. Please forgive me?”
I half-smiled back.
“How about I race you back?” he challenged.
“You’re on!” I accepted. Anything to avoid hearing his declarations of love.
We ran down to the stream toward our horses, laughing. Needless to say, Richard got on his horse before I did and was off. For some reason, Sugar was being difficult, not really wanting me to get on her. Her disobedience upset me, I didn’t want to lose.
“Please, can you help me?” I asked Adam who was looking after the horses. He held on to the reins and tried to calm Sugar so I could get on. As soon as I got on, she became even more agitated.
“Are you sure you want to ride her back? You can have my horse,” Adam yelled over her whinnies, while he tried to calm her.
“No, I’m fine!” I yelled back.
“Alright Miss, let her lead, she will take you straight home.”
He moved away and Sugar was off. It felt like she knew about the race and couldn’t wait to run. The ride back was different than before. I didn’t feel as confident on her. She was riding extremely fast and furiously. I just held on. Inside I was scared. I tried to be confident and gain control, but I wasn’t and my heart was almost beating in sync with her galloping hooves, thumping on the ground.
I didn’t know what had gotten into her. She was like a different horse. I was unfamiliar with my surroundings and sensed she wasn’t on the right path. I pulled back the reins but she didn’t respond. I seemed to have no control over her. I started screaming at her in a desperate attempt to regain control, but to no avail. I was now struggling to hold on and contemplated whether falling off would be an option, but I didn’t have the courage to let go. But nor did I have the strength to hold on. We were now riding alongside a dark and dense forest. Branches were scrapping against my body and face. I tried pulling on the reins again, but still nothing. I heard my name being called out, and it was an eerily familiar sound, which horrified me. I refused to look towards the trees.
I opened my eyes for a split second to look ahead; we were heading for a cliff.
“No! Stop! Stop!” I yelled, again in vain.
As we approached the edge, Sugar became even more erratic. I felt I had no choice but to jump. I took my feet out of the stirrups, and closed my eyes. I was still trying to get the courage to let go when, without warning, Sugar bucked me off. I fell to the ground and started rolling away. Each time my body rolled, I could see Sugar sliding further and further away from me. When I stopped tumbling, I felt like I had been hit by a truck. My body was excruciatingly sore and my hands were burning from holding tight on the reins. I looked out, wondering where she was. I could hear something from behind me, but was too exhausted to turn my body around. I closed my eyes.
When I opened them again, I was back at Richard’s home. He was standing a few metres away by the fireplace, how did I get back to the house? I closed my eyes again and tried to move but was sore all over. Opening my eyes again, I saw that Richard had now caught sight of me and came to me immediately. His face was close to mine and his lips were moving but I couldn’t make out the words. Against my will, my eyes closed again. My exhaustion couldn’t keep them open. The pain in my body was getting stronger, but I was now able to move a little. I forced my eyes open. Richard was still close to me and he was very upset. I raised my aching arm towards him. My hands were dirty and bloody.
“Am I alive?” I joked.
“Yes, yes you are,” Richard replied quickly with a laugh. “The doctor said no broken bones, you were very lucky.”
I moaned. The pain was unbearable.
“What happened to Sugar? Is she OK?”
Richard didn’t reply.
“Is she alright, sir?” a voice said nervously from somewhere behind me.
Richard turned toward the voice. It was the man who looked after the horses when we were having a lunch. He looked upset and edgy. He came closer to me.
“Please forgive me, Miss. I should have stopped you from getting on Sugar,” he said.
“No, no. You did try. I remember you offered me your horse. I should have listened to you,” I admitted with a comforting smile. “I just thought she was anxious to get back to the stables.”
Richard had moved to the side so that the man could see for himself that I was all right. The tension between them was obvious.
I hate myself for getting this poor man into trouble with my foolishness
.
“Is Sugar OK?” I asked again.
The man looked surprised by my question and didn’t answer. He looked towards Richard.
“She didn’t make it, Catherine.”
“No, No!” I cried, covering my face with my bloodied hands.
Richard held my hands gently to pull them away from my face.
“She did this to you.”
“No she didn’t. She was trying to stop this from happening!” I cried and shook my head.
“I don’t understand. Adam said he had never seen her like this before. She was wild!” Richard tried to explain.
Richard then looked to Adam for an explanation.
“Miss, it’s true. I have been her carer since she was a filly, and I have never seen her react like that to a rider before. I rode after you. I saw how erratic she was. It wasn’t Sugar. It was like she was possessed.”
“You rode after me?” I whispered.
“Yes, Miss. I could see that she was out of control; I wanted to be sure that she had calmed down. She was wild. I don’t know how you stayed on for as long as you did. I called out but you were too far ahead to hear me.”
“What did you call out?”
“Pardon?”
“What exactly did you call out? My name?”
“No, not your name,” Adam replied, confused.
“She threw me off as she was heading for the cliff. She saved me!” I cried.
“That will be all Adam, thank you,” Richard said.
Adam left immediately and Richard came to sit beside me on the lounge.
“Catherine, I am so sorry for all of this, and for upsetting you just now. I am trying to understand.”
How could he understand? It’s me who should be apologising. That horse died because of me. I believe that with every inch of my body
.
I looked at myself, all dirty and sore, and shook my head.
“I want to have a shower. Can you help me up?”
“Yes, of course. I will have Mary come and assist you in the shower,” he said, gently supporting my arm and lifting me off the lounge. I felt sore all over.
Mary organised the shower and my clothes. I was able to undress and shower myself while Mary waited in my room. I could see the damage to my body. I had several bruises on my leg and a cut on my forehead that was already dressed. I had scratches all over my hands. When I got out of the shower, Mary had laid my clothes out on my bed: a pair of long silk pants and a matching camisole.
“Thank you Mary. Sorry to be such a nuisance.”
She didn’t reply, just smiled and left, so I took that as an acceptance of my apology.
Despite her lack of response, I didn’t want her to leave me. I didn’t want to be alone. I got dressed and sat on my bed, waiting and thinking. I looked around the room, fearful that something might happen. The security I once enjoyed was gone.
I can’t be alone…
Suddenly, a knock on the door startled me.
“Who is it?” I asked.
“It’s me. Can I come in?” Richard asked.
“Yes.”
He opened the door while he balanced a tray in his other hand. When he noticed what I was wearing he became flustered.
“Richard it’s OK! Your lady friend who picked out all my clothes obviously had some big plans for us this weekend!”
He laughed, placing the tray on the table and standing at the end of my bed. He stood there, wanting to say something but resisting. I felt for him, he had tried to make this a perfect weekend but it was doomed before it began.
“Richard, I beg you! Don’t feel bad for any of this, none of it is your fault. You have been wonderful and I have honestly enjoyed my time here with you.”
“May I?” he asked, pointing to the chair.
I nodded.
He sat on the chair.
“How are you feeling now?” he asked sincerely.
“Guilty.” I looked away. I didn’t want to cry and the last thing I needed was sympathy.
“Please… Don’t be. It could have been a lot worse,” he said as he ran his hand through his hair. I could tell he was frustrated. “I will let you rest, you won’t be disturbed.” He stood up to leave.
“No! I mean. Ah… I don’t know how to ask you, and please don’t take this the wrong way, but I don’t want to be alone tonight. I can’t be alone. Please don’t leave.”
“What is it?” Richard rushed over to me. “I won’t leave you. Not even for a moment, I promise.”
“Stay in my bed… with me… and don’t leave, even if I fall asleep,” I pleaded.
“Wild horses couldn’t drag me away…”
“You didn’t just say that?” I looked at him shocked. With all that had happened today that was the best phrase he could come up with?
“I did… sorry!” he said with a guilty smile.
I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. So I did neither.