Understudy (9 page)

A knot formed in my stomach as I edged myself near his chair. I'm bad when it comes to apologizing, even to my own parents. I'm good at being sorry, but saying it aloud was a different matter altogether. Except for the accident of course. There's no amount of apologizing I could do that would ever be enough to make up for what happened.

I cleared my throat, letting the words roll over my tongue. But I couldn't say it aloud.

Dad peeked up from his paper. He was still sporting a bed head which would probably stay until lunch. He gave me a quick glance over and smiled.

"Going out for a jog?"

"Um...Yeah?" I said, taken aback by the question. I had expected him to mention something about what happened last night.

"You're going to pass by Connie's shop, right?"

"Um...Yes."

"Oh great! Would you mind buying me some cornbread before you get home?"

"Uh...sure."

Dad put his paper down and was about to fish out his wallet from his pocket.

"No, I got it Dad," I said. It was the closest thing I had to an apology. A peace offering.

Dad's smile grew wider, and I realized that he knew exactly what I was doing.

"Just be careful, okay?" he said, grabbing his paper and resuming reading. I headed out to the door.

The sun was slowly breaking across the sky, a breathtaking canvas of oranges and blues, promising a beautiful day ahead.

I was glad that my issue with Dad had resolved itself, but I reminded myself that I had to apologize to Adam as well. Apologizing to him was even harder. He was tired of hearing the words "I'm sorry" from me. He made that clear the last time. Letting out a deep breath, I took my time walking.    

The neighborhood was quiet. There were few people on the sidewalks save for some early risers going about their routine. Mr. Peterson from the grocery store was all worked up in his roller skates as he was being pulled by his ginormous Siberian husky, no doubt taking Cesar Milan's advice about releasing the dog's pent up energies.

"Perfect day, huh?" Mr. Peterson called out as he passed by me. His shirt was soaked around his neck and armpits.

"It is," I said. I wouldn't really call it a perfect day just yet, not when it had barely just begun. But I admired his optimism. If only I could get that apology over with, maybe this day would be perfect for me, too. I decided to get a cup of coffee.

The familiar sound of door chimes greeted me as I pushed the door open to Marty's Diner. The aroma of fresh toast and bacon wafted around the room, making my stomach rumble.

"Hello, sweetheart," Mrs. Gingham called out as soon as she saw me. "You’re here for breakfast?"

I considered it for a moment, thinking it would give me time to think about my apology to Adam. My stomach rumbled again but before I could answer, a sudden movement caught my eye, followed by shattering glass.

"Oh, shit!"

All heads turned toward the commotion.

"I'm so sorry!" It was Reggie, Mrs. Gingham's son. He was a freshman, though he could easily pass up as a senior or even a college student with his lanky six foot build. He was a good kid, never got into trouble or anything, although I wasn’t sure about it now.

Eric stood in front of him with an annoyed look as he examined his wet sneakers.

"I'm so sorry," Reggie repeated as he bent down to sweep up the shards of glass with a dishcloth.

"No, it's fine," Eric said, though he looked far from being fine. His hands were curled up into a tight fists and I was instantly worried that he might punch Reggie.

My gaze travelled down his legs. He was wearing black jeans as usual and I noticed the wet patch on his right leg where something had spilled.

Based on the dark brown puddle near his feet, it was coffee. Searing hot, judging by the steam rising from the shattered coffee pot Reggie was cleaning up.

I felt myself wince as I imagined the hot liquid pouring over my skin. That would've hurt a lot. But either the liquid didn't seep into Eric's jeans, or he was resisting the urge to cry out in pain. 

"My goodness, are you alright?" Mrs. Gingham asked as she rushed toward him holding a mop, her eyes wide with shock and her face flushed with embarrassment. Then turning to her son, she said, "How many times do I need to tell you to be careful?"

"I... I didn't see..." Reggie stammered, grabbing the mop from her hand.

Eric shook his head and ran his hand through his hair. He walked away from the spill without saying another word. No goodbyes, not even a simple assurance that he was alright.

I was still standing by the door when our eyes met as he passed me. It only lasted for a few seconds, but it was long enough for me to see the flash of anger in his face, and notice how his hair fell just above his eyes. That's when I realized that he kept his hair longer than Adam. A small detail that set them apart, but still important for me. It showed that aside from sharing a physical appearance and genetic code, they were completely different.

***

I was still worked up with my apology, and it didn't help that there was no caffeine in my system to help me think clearly. After watching Reggie get severely reprimanded by a red faced Mrs. Gingham, I decided to quietly slip out of the diner and went straight to the woods.

"I had an epiphany," Adam said as soon as he saw me.

I stopped in my tracks and blinked at him, baffled.

"We get so attached to life that we forget what it really means to be alive. Good morning, by the way."

"Okay..." I said. I wasn’t sure where that came from, but I sure was glad that I didn't have to apologize after all.

"It's a beautiful day, isn't it? Perfect even," he said, shoving his hands in his pockets as he walked up in front of me.

"Not for Reggie though."

"What happened?"

"Eric happened."

"How exactly?" he asked, looping an arm around my waist as we started walking.

"I didn't really see it, but Reggie must have bumped into your brother and accidentally spilled searing hot coffee over his jeans."

"Oh."

"His right leg was soaked and I'm sure it hurt, but he didn't seem to mind."

Adam stopped walking, and I felt his grip around my waist tighten. 

"What's up?" I asked. 

He tilted his head, a cloud of doubt flickering in his eyes."He didn't do anything?"

"No. He didn't even utter a single word."

Adam raised an eyebrow. "Well, that's something."

"Why? What would have been his usual reaction to something like that? Beat Reggie into a pulp?"

"Something like that."

Then a thought struck me. "Has he ever beaten you?"

"No."

We continued walking deeper into the woods. I had no idea where we were going but I wasn't worried about getting lost. Not with Adam by my side.

I inched myself closer to him, resting my head on his shoulder, looking up to the clear blue sky above us as the sound of chirping birds played over the background. I closed my eyes, savoring the moment. It was a perfect day alright.

"I wish he had though," Adam said out of the blue and my eyes snapped open.

"What?"

He didn't seem to have heard me as he released me from his grasp and took two quick strides forward. Then without missing a beat, he turned around to look at me and spread his arms.

"And we're here!" he said, beaming like a child. "What do you think?"

At first I was confused, but as I looked past him and saw the glistening surface of a wide lake surrounded by lush greenery and rows of blooming dandelions, I could only stare.

To top it off, the rays of sunshine filtering through the surrounding trees made the lake's surface shine like it was made of diamonds.

There were no words to describe it. The scene in front of me looked like it came out of a fairytale, almost unreal.

"Be careful Narcissus. You might drown yourself." It wasn't until I felt Adam's hand pulling me back that I realized I had reached the edge of the lake. 

"It's so beautiful," I said, shielding my eyes from the sun's glare as I turned around to face him.

His hair looked lighter against the sun, and I had to resist the urge to run my fingers through it.

"Glad you liked it, though you're wrong about one thing."

I raised an eyebrow, intrigued. "And that would be?"

He didn't answer. He raised his hand and cupped my cheek. Then I felt his other hand around my waist, pulling me close until there was no space between us. My heart started to pound.

"You're more beautiful than everything else," he said, his voice coming out deep and husky, and I couldn't help but smile.

Adam leaned down to kiss my neck, his lips slowly traveling up my jaw line, igniting a trail of fire with every touch. I felt my body tense in anticipation, my breath coming out quick and shallow.

I felt his hand under my shirt, his fingers touching my bare skin. Our kiss grew deeper, hungrier. Next thing I knew, I was lying on the ground staring up at him.

Adam lifted his eyes to look at me, and though he didn't say it, I knew exactly what he was thinking, because I felt it too. The desire was too strong to ignore, and I hadn't realized how much I wanted it until now.

"Yes," I said, my voice shaking as I spoke. I grabbed the collar of his shirt to pull him close, but he caught my wrist and shook his head.

"I thought we're going to wait?" As soon as he said it, he realized how wrong it sounded.

In another lifetime, I would have agreed with him. But a lot had changed since the accident, and some of those changes couldn't be undone.

"Wait for what?" I asked, swallowing the building anger in my throat. I didn't want to ruin the moment, but I could feel it slowly slipping away.

"You know we can't do this, Kat."

"Wait for what, Adam? You know there's nothing for us to wait for."

The hurt in his eyes was so strong that I found myself looking away.

"But I can't," he said. "It's not right."

"Not right for who? You? Me?"

Adam rolled over next to me and sighed. "For you. I can't do this to you."

"Why not?" My voice was cracking, and tears stung my eyes. "I thought you love me."

Adam turned to look at me, wounded.  "I do. God, Kat, you know how much I love you."

"Then why can't you give me this?"

"Because you deserve better."

I lay there for a moment, absorbing his words. Adam took my hand and kissed my knuckles, as if doing so could make feel any better.

I sat up and wiped my eyes with the heel of my palm. "How can I have someone better when I already have you?" I asked.

Adam also sat up, burying his face in his hands. For awhile, I thought he wasn't going to answer. But he raised his head and looked at me. His expression calm.

"I'm dead, Kat," he said in a resigned voice which only made me cry harder.

I knew he was dead, and that I was probably crazy for thinking that we could act as if he wasn't. But Adam was there. He was breathing, wanting, and we had the perfect moment, only it wasn't as perfect as we had wanted it to be.

***

The aroma of freshly baked goods hit me as soon as I stepped in Connie's shop, and I fought the urge to turn around and run away.

My cheeks were still damp with tears and I immediately wiped them dry as I approached the counter where Connie was busy refilling the glass display.

Her face lit up as soon as she saw me, and I tried my best to smile. It only made me feel worse.

"Here's my favorite customer," she said, leaning over the counter top. "It's been a long time, eh?”

"Yes it has," I said, eyeing the romance novel perched beside the cash register. I couldn't bring myself to look at her. She was too cheerful.

Connie followed my gaze and, despite her age, she blushed like an embarrassed teenager.

"I can't help it. It's a guilty pleasure. It's the only thing that keeps my sanity at bay. Reading and baking," she said, as she hastily grabbed the book and put it on a shelf behind her. "Anyway, what can I get you?"

"The usual," I said. I had been in her shop since I was a little girl, so she knew that I meant her signature extra large cornbread loaf.

"Oh yes! I should've known." She pressed her palm over her head, her elaborate white toupee sliding a bit off her hairline. "My, I'm really getting old, aren’t I?"

"Not really," I said, forcing another smile. I was sure I looked like wincing in pain. She didn't seem to have noticed though.

"Do you mind waiting for a few minutes? I have a new batch in the oven right now and they will be ready in three minutes."

"No, it's okay."

"Okay, if that's the case then I'll leave you for a while. Please take a seat and make yourself at home." She disappeared behind a curtain leading to the kitchen, and I was left standing in front of the counter staring at different kinds of pastries. Despite everything that happened in the woods, my stomach rumbled at the sight and I suddenly remembered that I hadn't eaten anything since I woke up this morning. Not even a cup of coffee. Thanks to−

"Do you want to join me?"

I turned towards the voice and froze.

Eric wore the same shirt and jeans from earlier. Or so I thought, it was hard to tell since he always wore black clothes.

He was finishing what looked like a muffin along with a cup of coffee.

"Are you following me?" I asked.

Eric laughed, though it sounded more like a bark. He leaned back against his chair and folded his arms across his chest. "Me, following you?" He shook his head. "As far as I can tell, you're the one who's following me. I got here first. Just like at Marty's earlier."

My jaw tightened. He was right, and I hated it. But I wasn't exactly in the mood to argue with him.

Eric stood up and walked toward me, stopping a good few feet away.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

"It's none of your business," I said.

"Yeah, right. But may I ask you something?" Before I could answer, he continued. "Why are you so angry with me?" 

I felt fire rise up in my chest, consuming me with rage. Why was I angry with him? Seriously? He's asking me that?