Undersold (12 page)

“And now you know, I guess.”

“I’m glad you told me, Amy.”

“I’m glad I told you too, actually. I feel...lighter, like I was carrying that around, and now you have a part of it.”

His smile broke across his face like waves against a lifeboat. He wrapped his arms around me, and kissed me deeply, more deeply than he ever had before. I could sense the tenderness he felt for me, and something inside of me cracked fully open and began to well up to the surface. I couldn’t name it yet, but it was there, waiting. The majority of my mind melted into him and was lost in the smell of his body and the warmth of his chiseled arms.

But even during this, one of the calmest moments of my life, when I felt safe and secure in Shane’s arms, there was a small section in the back of my brain that kept wondering: What exactly was he still hiding from me?

A
fter that, we spent the rest of the day in and out of bed. The hours blended into each other, and it scared me a little bit how fast the time could melt away when I was in his arms. But it was good, and comfortable, in a way I hadn’t experienced before. So much of my life was spent in anxious work, trying to get the next project finished, but that lazy Sunday turned into a lazy Monday. There were some benefits to dating the boss. One huge benefit was getting time off. Lazy Monday turned into lazy Tuesday, and suddenly it was Wednesday, and we hadn’t left his house in three days.

We laid together in his bed in the morning, partially dressed. I ran my fingers along the contours of his chest and stomach as he played with my hair.

“I need to go home soon,” I said.

“No, you don’t. Anything you need is here.”

I laughed. “Do you have a change of clothes for me?”

He considered that for a second. “No, I don’t. But we can buy some.”

I shook my head. If we kept this up, I’d never leave, and I think we both knew it.

“I need to go home for a few hours, Shane. Just to get some stuff, freshen up, and make sure my place hasn’t burned down. I’ll be back tonight.”

He sighed and stretched. “I guess that’s reasonable, but I’d still rather you stayed.”

“No more than a few hours. Promise.”

After that, I got dressed. He called his driver, and fifteen minutes later I got into his towncar. The driver was pretty familiar with me by now, and he smiled and nodded as I climbed into the back. The car dropped me off at my apartment. Compared to Old City, my neighborhood was dingy and dirty, and I felt a little nervous. I was wearing the same clothes I wore Sunday afternoon, but freshly laundered. Still, I had an odd sense of déjà vu as I went upstairs.

Inside, nothing had burned down. I dropped my stuff in a corner, and started packing another bag. We hadn’t talked much more about our family lives after Sunday, and the idea that Shane was hiding something from me was a constant, nagging presence. Fortunately, we did other things that kept me distracted, and I hadn’t had much of a chance to obsess too much about it. Even more than that, on Monday morning I found a small necklace, gold and silver interlocking lines, with a string of three small diamonds at the end. I had no idea when he found the time to buy it for me, but it was perfect. I hadn’t taken it off since, and treasured its weight. I couldn’t tell if it was an apology gift, or a bribe, or just because, but I loved it anyway.

As I was shoving clean clothes into my old suitcase, my phone buzzed. I smiled and assumed it was Shane checking up on me.

Hey, are you home right now?
It was a text from Jim. I hadn’t heard from him since my congratulations party those few months ago, which was odd, but I was happy he messaged me. I had been thinking about him recently.

I am actually, what’s up?

I know this is a little weird and random, but can I stop by? I need to talk to you
.

He had been to my apartment once awhile back when he walked me home after working late. He hadn’t been back since, or even mentioned he remembered where I lived, let alone wanted to come visit. It was a little strange, and definitely out of the blue, but I had some time to kill, and it would be nice to see him.

Sure, I’ll be here for an hour or two. Stop by whenever
.

See you soon then
.

I had no clue what this was about, but I was too lost in Shane to think much about it. I assumed it had to go with the café; maybe he wanted me to pick up weekend shifts or something. The issue with Shane was much more pressing, though, and it consumed me. I didn’t want to snoop or come on too strong, so I seemed to let the issue drop completely, and he hadn’t picked it back up since. But what was this dark secret he was keeping from me? What could be so bad that he was embarrassed to tell me about it? Hundreds of things spun through my mind, from a murder to time in a cult to weird sexual fetishes I didn’t know about yet. I was hoping for the fetishes; at least that could be fun. Definitely no murders and cults, I hoped. Maybe he had children with another woman, or an ex-wife hidden away somewhere. Or, maybe he had another real name, and the fake identities continued on forever. I kept packing and daydreaming, and by the time I was done, the bell to my building rang.

I had forgotten about Jim as my mind wandered over the possibilities. I buzzed him into the building, and a minute later he knocked on my apartment door.

“Hey Jim,” I said, glad to see him.

He looked terrible. He was in his usual tight jeans and converse sneakers with a random band t-shirt, but he looked tired and worn out. His hair was shaggy and hadn’t been cut since I last saw him, and there were bags under his eyes. He still looked cute in his boyish way, but there was something behind his gaze, something worn out and older.

He stood at my apartment’s threshold, and looked uncertain. “Hi Amy, mind if I come in?”

“Sure, of course.” I moved inside and he followed me. I was suddenly very aware of my messy apartment. Clothes were left everywhere, and dirty dishes were left in the sink. Gross, I thought, when I realized they were a few days old.

“Sorry for the mess,” I said, embarrassed. He laughed.

“It’s about what I expected, based on your cleaning abilities from Swirl.”

“Hey, I was your best employee.” I laughed, and remembered the few nights I refused to clean the toilets.

“Oh, more like third or fourth best. You were decent. Maybe top ten,” he said, teasing. We moved over to the couch and sat down together.

“Please, that place is barely standing without me.”

He laughed. “We’re managing to limp by without you.”

It felt nice being around him again. We had always been comfortable, and I missed talking about our lives together. He was one of the few people I told everything to, back before I sold the app and met Shane.

“So how are things, seriously?” I asked.

“Things are decent at Swirl.”

“No, I mean with you. How’s the band?”

He shrugged. “We had a gig on Saturday, went pretty well. Andy is still being a dick, George is George, and Tom has been MIA since Sunday. All in all, pretty typical shit from those guys.”

“I hate to say it, but I think you’re the most stable one of the group.”

“I know, it’s amazing. I never dreamed I’d be the normal one.”

We both laughed. His bandmates were notoriously insane guys. None of them were bad people, but they were wanderers and partyers. Their music was good, but they hardly ever practiced because most of them were too busy picking up girls at shows or going on weeklong benders. Jim was the only one working a full time job and supporting himself. The others were either living off of part time gigs, a girlfriend, or the charity of strangers. Or, in George’s case, his mom.

We fell into a moment of comfortable silence. I could tell there was something going on, but I knew Jim well enough not to press. He would come out and say it eventually.

“So, I wanted to tell you something, Amy.” He looked at me and his expression was serious. I wasn’t used to serious Jim, but there was something older about it, something more self assured and mature. He looked less boyish, and more like the man I imagined he would become.

“Alright, what’s going on? Is your family okay?”

He shook his head. “No, it’s nothing like that.”

“Just spit it out, you’re making me nervous.”

“It’s just that, well, Swirl hasn’t been the same without you. I’ve really missed you.” He looked away from me.

“I miss you guys too. Working for the man is tough,” I said, trying to lighten the mood.

“It’s not just that. I don’t know how to say it. Ever since you started working at Swirl, I haven’t been able to think of anything else. Then we got close over your time there, and I think you’re the only person who really knows me. Then you left, and I realized something.”

It hit me like a sledgehammer. I had a pretty good idea of what he was about to say, and my entire body tensed. He looked back at me and his eyes were deep and something passionate burned behind them.

“I’m in love with you, Amy. I have been for a while, I think. It took you leaving for me to really realize it. I can’t stop thinking about you.”

Silence hung between us. I was shocked, but I shouldn’t have been. Everybody said Jim had feelings for me, but I guess I never took it seriously. He was a cute band kid; he played shows for screaming indie chicks all the time. Why would he have any interest in a boring normal like me? There are plenty of chicks with tattoos who would have loved to be with him.

“Jim....” I said, totally at a loss. How could I hurt someone I cared about?

“I know this is coming out of nowhere. And you don’t need to respond. It’s just, you get me, Amy. You always have. You’re funny and brilliant and way too fucking sexy, and the worst part is you don’t even realize it.”

I could feel myself spiraling out of control. As he spoke, all the hours we spent together working closely, talking about our lives, came back to me. He was one of the few people to encourage me in the beginning. When most of my college friends disappeared from my life, he was there for me. Darcy was great, but she wasn’t around every day to listen like Jim was. He was the most stable person in my life since I moved to Philadelphia, and I realized how important he had been. Without a friend like Jim, figuring out how to live in a new city, completely on my own, would have been so much harder.

“I don’t know what to say,” I managed.

He shifted closer to me, and I was suddenly intensely aware of my short dress, and of the boyish slant of his jaw, and the deep pools of his eyes.

“You don’t need to say anything. I didn’t come here for you to give me something. I just needed you to know, before you disappeared completely, how I felt. That I’m thinking about you.”

I had the sudden urge to take his hand. I wanted to hold him and thank him for everything he did for me. For being there when I was lost and lonely in this city, drowning in student debt, working late nights for no pay, and barely making ends meet. I wanted to thank him for being the best person in my life. I wanted to reach out and kiss him, but I knew he wouldn’t understand.

I couldn’t do any of that, and I didn’t. It wouldn’t have been fair. Because I didn’t love him, and I never would love him, and I think we both knew that. Shane spiraled through my mind. I knew that if I disappeared from Jim’s life, it would be a kind of mercy.

Jim looked at me in silence for another moment, then shifted his body away, and stood.

“Wait, you don’t have to go right now. If you don’t want to,” I said.

“I should probably get going. I said what I wanted to say.”

I stood up. “Look, you’re an important person to me. I don’t want to lose you from my life. I don’t want to disappear.”

His face was grim. “But you don’t feel the same way.”

How was I supposed to respond to that? How was I supposed to break this good guy’s heart? And in that moment, I realized the only thing I could give him was honesty, for his sake and for mine. I owed him that small kindness at least.

“I don’t feel the same way. I’m sorry. You’re an amazing guy, and you’ll find someone eventually, but that someone isn’t me.”

He hung his head. I felt like part of me was breaking in half.

“Yeah, I understand.” He moved toward the door, and I wanted to ask him to stay, but I knew I couldn’t do that. I had to be strong, for both our sakes. “See you later, Amy. Good luck with your new job.”

“Bye, Jim.” He opened the door and was gone.

I sat back down on the arm of the couch and wanted to cry, but I couldn’t. I wasn’t really sad. I knew my life had changed. I was in a completely new realm now, and I was leaving the old world behind. There was no going back anymore.

T
he car came for me an hour later. The driver took my suitcase and loaded it into the trunk, then took me out to Shane’s house. The driver then carried my suitcase to the top of the stoop and rang the bell for me. I wasn’t used to someone treating me like that, but he smiled and nodded, almost as if he could sense my discomfort. I realized I was struggling to fit into Shane’s lifestyle, which was vastly different from my own. I grew up with little, and lived on less for a long time. Now, I was dating a billionaire, and I had to get used to the luxury that he could provide me.

Shane answered the door, and a huge smile broke across his face. When I saw him and his flint grey eyes, his chiseled jaw and beautiful body, all of my doubt disappeared. I knew I made the right decision with Jim, and I knew Jim would be fine. I knew I would be fine, too.

He took my bags and we went inside. He was about to speak, but I felt something push to the surface inside of me, and I pressed my body against his and kissed him deeply. I felt his soft lips part and his tongue enter mine. I ran my hands down his chest and felt his muscles under his thin cotton t-shirt. We hadn’t spoken yet, and I didn’t want to speak. He steered me into a room off the corridor. It was a formal dining room, and a huge antique wood table, heavy and sturdy, dominated the space.

I ran my hands from his chest toward his cock and felt its length through his jeans. It grew under my pressure and stiffened as I rubbed up and down its length. He let out a small groan and pulled the back of my dress up over my ass. His hands grabbed my hips and he steered me toward the table, lifted me up, and put me sitting down on the tabletop.