Uncle John's Bathroom Reader The World's Gone Crazy (46 page)

That’s Awful!
The cat was wrapped, from tail to neck, in duct tape. The woman quickly got the cat to the local Humane Society, where they managed to remove all of the tape, freeing the very affectionate—and dehydrated—young female cat underneath. The Pennsylvania Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals (PSPCA) offered a $2,000 reward for information leading to the arrest of the person who taped up the cat. One week later, a 19-year-old man, whom a PSPCA spokesman described as “very remorseful,” came forward and admitted that he’d done it. He was arrested on animal-cruelty charges. More than 100 people applied to adopt the kitty—her real owners were never located—and she quickly found a home. Her new name: Sticky.

As much as 10% of the U.S. national income can be attributed to organized crime
.

Winner:
Robert Stark Higgins of Stuart, Florida

Background:
A local homeowner called police in 2009 to report that Higgins was in his backyard.

That’s Awful!
Higgins was in the man’s swimming pool…and was covered in feces. He grabbed a towel and ran away, but police dogs tracked him down easily. Higgins was charged with several offenses, and told police that he had been drinking. (No word on whether the homeowner planned to
ever
swim in the pool again.)

Winner:
Kathy White of Marquette, Michigan
Background:
In January 2009, White and her husband were in their living room playing their Nintendo Wii bowling game that they had just gotten for Christmas. White took a swing with one of the game’s remote controls just as her five-month-old miniature Sheltie puppy, Ozzy, jumped in the air.

That’s Awful!
The swinging remote in White’s hand hit the dog’s head…and killed him. A frantic White called her neighbor, who ran over and checked the dog’s heart; there was no pulse.
That’s Great!
The neighbor blew into Ozzy’s snout several times—and the puppy woke up. He was rushed to a vet and, after a couple of weeks, was as good as new. (But he’s no longer allowed in the room when the couple are playing with the Wii.)

“Cynical realism is the intelligent man’s best excuse for doing nothing in an intolerable situation.” —
Aldous Huxley

Common Wii injuries: Black eyes (hitting bystanders), hand injuries (hitting things) & tennis elbow
.

PROBLEM SOLVED!

You know the saying “Necessity is the mother of invention”? Well, some people’s “necessities” may be on the nutty side—but they still make for cool inventions
.

P
ROBLEM:
Spiders that get stuck in the bathtub.
INVENTOR:
Edward Thomas Patrick Doughney of Harrold, England

STORY:
We don’t know when it happened, but we’re pretty sure that at some point, Doughney walked into his bathroom and found a spider in the bottom of the bathtub…dead. The bug had climbed into the tub during the night and couldn’t get out because of the slippery tub walls. Mr. Doughney is the sensitive type, and he felt terrible that, by virtue of owning a bathtub, he’d killed a spider.

PROBLEM SOLVED!
To save spiders who may, in the future, unwittingly wander into bathtubs, in 1994 Doughney invented the “Incy Wincy Spider Liberator”—otherwise known as a “Spider ladder provided with means for attachment to an item of sanitary ware, European Patent Application Office 2,272,154.” The Incy Wincy is a long, thin, ladderlike device made of flexible latex. Using a suction cup, you attach the top of the ladder to the inside of the tub, near the rim, and let the rest of it hang down into the tub. So a spider that becomes trapped in the tub and roams around searching for a way out will find the Incy Wincy Spider Liberator and be able to climb its way to safety. (And Mr. Doughney will be able to sleep at night.)

PROBLEM:
Answering the call of nature while hiking…if you’re female.

INVENTOR:
Moon Zijp of the Netherlands
STORY:
Zijp was traveling through the jungles of Indonesia and discovered that, as a woman, she often found it inconvenient and uncomfortable to take a pee. And she sometimes had to walk deep into the jungle to find a place that provided enough privacy to squat down.

“If you’re going to be crazy, you have to get paid for it or else you’re going to be locked up.” —Hunter S. Thompson

PROBLEM SOLVED!
Zijp invented the “P-Mate”—a disposable device that allows women to stand up and pee like men. It’s ideal, Zijp says, for use outdoors or in dirty public toilets. The P-Mate is made from thin, hygienically produced cardboard, and when popped open it becomes, basically, an eight-inch-long funnel. From the P-Mate Web site: “Simply pop open the P-Mate, move your clothing aside, and place the cupped opening against your body. Relax and pee!” (And if that’s not clear enough, check the Internet for the interview Zijp did on Dutch television, during which she demonstrated how to pee like a man in front of millions of viewers.) The product is now available in many countries around the world. Cost: $4.95 for a pack of five.

PROBLEM:
Too many domestic squabbles get “settled” with a kitchen knife.

INVENTOR:
John Cornock, an industrial designer in the U.K.
STORY:
In 2005 John’s wife, Liz, read an article by a team of British doctors about the dangers of the common pointed kitchen knife—which is used in nearly half of all fatal stabbings in the U.K. The doctors called for a ban on such knives.

PROBLEM SOLVED!
Cornock set to work, and in 2009 he announced the arrival of his “New Point” line of “anti-stab” kitchen knives. They look like regular knives, but the tips, instead of being pointed, are rounded and have a dull edge. This, Cornock says, prevents the knives from being used to stab people. “There can never be a totally safe knife, but the idea is you can’t inflict a fatal wound,” said Cornock. “Nobody could just grab one out of the kitchen drawer and kill someone.” (Unless they used it to slit someone’s throat.)

PROBLEM:
Fear. Sheer, unadulterated fear.
INVENTOR:
Jeffrey L. Walling, Virginia Beach, Virginia
STORY:
Are you afraid that terrorists and kidnappers are going to come to your house while you’re sleeping, burst into your bedroom, and do horrible things to you and your pets?
PROBLEM SOLVED!
Figuring that at least a few people were that afraid, Jeffrey Walling invented the “Quantum Sleeper” (United States Patent 7,137,881) in 2006. What is it? A bullet-proof, biological-weapons-proof, terrorist-proof, kidnapper-proof, and a whole bunch of other stuff-proof…bed. It looks like a giant coffin when it’s closed up, but there’s a lot more to it than that. Just a few of the Quantum Sleeper’s features:

• 1.25″ polycarbonate bulletproof plating/shielding

• Biochemical-filtering ventilation system

• Motion sensors

• One-way windows so you can see out from the closed-up bed—but the bad guys can’t see in.

• A built-in cell phone, shortwave radio, and CB radio

• A microwave, refrigerator, CD player, and DVD player

• A toilet

If you’ve got a five-alarm case of paranoia—and a whole lot of money—the Quantum Sleeper may be just what you need for a good night’s sleep. Cost: $160,000.

FAMOUS FOR 15 SECONDS

Adessa Eskridge, 27, was departing her plane at Los Angeles International Airport in 2008 when six police officers approached her at the gate. One of them told her, “Keep your sunglasses on. You’re going to help us with something.” Before she knew it, Eskridge was being escorted through baggage claim. A group of paparazzi ran up and started photographing, filming, and asking her questions: “Jamie-Lynn, how was your trip?” “Jamie-Lynn, any boyfriend rumors?” A cop told Eskridge, “Don’t say anything, just keep your head down.” When they finally got her to safety, the police thanked Eskridge for posing as a decoy for Jamie Lynn Spears (Britney’s younger sister) who was also arriving in L.A. that day. Eskridge was furious. She demanded to be compensated $100,000 for the ruse, which led to photos and video of her—not Spears—all over the Internet. LAX officials refused, so at last report, Eskridge is suing the airport for $2 million. Said her lawyer: “The police did not want to subject Ms. Spears to the pushing, shoving, humiliation, and possible physical injury that come with the paparazzi, but instead decided that Ms. Eskridge was not important enough to give the same protections to.”

Vocabulary booster: A person with great energy and vitality is a
spizerinctum
.

MAGICAL MOUNTAIN

People believe a lot of strange things. One of the strangest happens to be about a place 50 miles south of the BRI’s headquarters: picturesque Mt. Shasta in northern California. It’s known for its hiking, skiing…and the invisible people who live inside the mountain
.

S
ACRED SPOT
Towering 14,179 feet above sea level, Mt. Shasta’s snowcapped peak has been surrounded by mystery and legend since indigenous people first encountered it thousands of years ago. And ever since white settlers arrived in the area in the mid-1800s, the mountain—as well as the nearby town by the same name—has been the scene of some very weird sightings, including UFOs and mystical creatures roaming around the mountain’s slopes. In fact, Shasta City was one of the first centers of the “New Age” movement in the United States. It’s still home to hundreds of energy readers, spiritualists, psychics, and alien-seekers.

Shasta’s New Age movement can be traced back to 1886, when 18-year-old Frederick Oliver, from the nearby town of Yreka, first visited the mountain and fell into a trance. Under the control of “other forces,” Oliver wrote A
Dweller on Two Planets
. And to thousands of people, the book—still in print today—is not science fiction, but the source material for their belief system.