Unbroken Pleasures (8 page)

Adam looked up
as I approached and gestured for me to sit beside him. I sat on the edge and
showered Tiger in attention as he ran up to me in a happy greeting of tail
wagging and kisses before returning to the ball he was playing with.

“I’m really glad
that you could hang out with us this afternoon,” Adam said watching me. I
looked back toward Tiger to avoid the intensity in his green eyes.

“I had a pretty
clear schedule today,” I mumbled, unsure of what I should say outside of the
professional environment where I was doctor and he was the patient’s master.

“Are you
hungry?” Adam reached over and flipped the lid on the picnic basket and even
though I wanted to say no, my stomach rumbled to betray me. He smiled and
reached in to pull out paper plates and real silverware. He set out two plates
and then returned to the picnic basket to fetch two foil wrapped sandwiches and
two small covered Tupperware containers of something that looked like potato
salad.

“I hope it’s okay,”
he said as I picked up one of the foil packages and started unwrapping it, “I
wasn’t sure what you would like.”

“This looks
yummy. Where did you get them? The deli down the road? I’ve never tried their
sandwiches but I have heard really good things about them. Mary talks about
them all time. I keep meaning to stop by some time but I always seem to be too
busy or too distracted.” I stopped when I realized that I was rambling in
nervousness. Adam didn’t seem to mind. He waited patiently and smiled when I
took a bite and exclaimed how good it was.

“I made them,”
he said.

“You made them?”
I didn’t know why I found that so hard to believe. I suppose in all the years
I’d been with Ed, he’d never shown much interest in making anything, especially
if it involved spending time in the kitchen. A lump in my throat made it hard
for me to swallow so that I had to force down the bite I’d just taken.

“I happen to
know a thing or two about sandwiches,” he said and then winked. I laughed nervously.

“Yes, you do,” I
said taking another bite.

“Oh, I almost
forgot to offer you a drink.”

I watched as he
uncovered two long stem wine glasses and set them out on the blanket. My eyes
widened.

“I have to go
back to work. I shouldn’t…”

“Shhh…” he said.
He put a finger to my lips to emphasize his point and when he took his hand
away, my lips still tingled from his touch. He offered a plastic bottle from
the picnic bottle and waited for my approval as I read the label.

“Grape juice?” I
laughed.

“It’s the tasty
alternative to a bottle of wine.”

“I like it.”

I watched his
steady hands as he opened the bottle and poured a glass for each of us. He
offered one to me and then raised his glass to make a toast. I giggled but
raised my glass to clink gently with his.

“Here is to the
start of something beautiful,” he said.

“To the start of
something beautiful,” I agreed.

We sipped our
grape juice and sat watching Tiger as we enjoyed our lunch. After we finished
eating and cleaned up, he stood up offering me his hand to help pull me to my
feet. I blushed.

“I thought we
could go for a little walk together,” he said as he helped me to my feet.

“It is a nice
day for it,” I agreed.

We made a stop
at his car to leave the picnic basket and blanket, he clipped the leash onto
Tiger’s collar, much to Tiger’s dismay, and we started walking with no
particular destination in mind. I enjoyed the feeling of sun warming my skin
and the sound of Adam’s footsteps matching the pace of my own. There was
something very comfortable about being next to him. I had to admit it to myself
that I was having a good time, even if I didn’t want to.

“What made you
change your mind?” he asked me breaking the silence that had settled between us
as we walked and enjoyed the day. His hand brushed against my hand as our arms
hung by our side and for a moment I panicked.

“Change my mind
about what?” I gave him a sideways glance to try to read the expression on his
face. I could see possibilities when I looked in those eyes and that scared me,
I had to admit to myself. I was trying to be brave but I was not succeeding. I
was pretty sure I knew exactly what he meant.

“About seeing
me.”

“This isn’t a
date.” I blurted the words out quickly and then immediately regretted them. I
hadn’t meant to be so harsh. I just wasn’t ready to accept that I might have
feelings for another person after the way things turned out with Ed. Less than
twenty-four hours ago I might have been certain that I was ready to move on and
embrace life with a new boyfriend but now that I was faced with the possibility
of making that a reality, I was getting cold feet.

He looked away
and focused on something in the distance and I wasn’t sure if I had hurt his
feelings. I tried to come up with something to say, some way to take it back
but all I could do is stare at my feet as we continued to walk.

“I would like to
take you out,” he said at last, “on a real date.”

“Adam…”

“I really like
you, Alex, and I just want to get to know more about you. I don’t mean to be
pushy. Just say you’ll go out with me once. Let me take you to dinner later
this week and give me a chance. Get to know me a little and who knows, you
might actually enjoy yourself. You might even like me a little.”

“I already like
you,” I admitted. We stopped and he turned toward me so that I was forced to
look into those brilliant green eyes and for a moment, my heart nearly stopped.
He put his hand out to caress my cheek which ignited thoughts of the stranger
somewhere in the dark corners of my mind. I tried to suppress all the feelings
that tugged along with those thoughts but I sighed despite my efforts. Adam
took it as a sign that I liked him touching me and he stepped closer.

“We might even
be good together.”

“Yes, we might
be.”

“Then tell me
that you’ll go to dinner with me.”

“I don’t know
what to say.”

“Don’t be afraid
of me, Alex, I don’t bite. Not unless you ask nicely,” he said with a laugh. I
smiled.

“Okay, why not?”

“You won’t
regret it. You might even wonder why you ever resisted me for so long.”

I felt him lean
in slightly and thought he might try to kiss me so I turned away suddenly and
started walking again. I may have agreed to give him a real chance at dating
but I wasn’t ready to kiss him in the park. I had too many strange feelings
stirring around in my head and my body wasn’t ready to comply. We continued to
walk and to talk about nothing in particular. If he had meant to kiss me, he
didn’t give any indication that he was insulted by my not-so-subtle rejection.

He walked me
back to the office once it was time for me to get ready for my next appointment
and we made arrangements for our proper date later in the week. I went back to
work feeling happy and hopeful. My life was changing in all sorts of
interesting ways and I was pretty sure I was on the verge of something good.
Adam had a lot of potential. If I could convince myself to give in just a
little, I might even discover that he was exactly what I’d been looking for all
along.

Chapter 8

My week went on
like every other week before it and despite the changes that I knew were
brewing inside me, I was still restless and unsure. I tossed and turned to the
sound of rain pouring down outside my windows and I tried to block out the
sound. The rain reminded me of the stranger and my dreams reminded me how much
that I wanted to explore him. No matter how many days that passed, he didn’t
fade from the forefront of my mind. No matter how many times I caught myself
smiling as I thought about the plans that I’d made for Friday night with Adam,
my thoughts would return again to the night I’d led the stranger into my shower
and proceeded to take off my clothes for him.

I was truly
crazy, I decided. I wanted to talk myself out of it but the more I tried to
replace the images of the stranger with images of Adam, my insides burned with
a need greater than myself. I wanted to see him again. I needed to see him
again. Some force compelled me to get out of bed and pull on a pair of jeans
and a sweatshirt and go out into the rain to search for him.

Tonight I would
find him again. Surely, he must feel this way too.

I walked out
into the night and welcomed the coolness of the rain washing my skin. I turned
my face upward and felt the drops tracing along the contours of my face and
neck heightening my senses, arousing me.

I deliberately
chose the path that I’d walked the night I encountered him. My pace quickened
along with my breath as I remembered the way that the couple had moved, lost in
each other, and oblivious to the fact that the stranger and I stood outside in
the rain and watched. They were people with their own lives, their own jobs,
and chores to attend to on a daily basis just as I did. Had I ever met them on
the street before? In the grocery store? Did they have pets that they brought
to my practice? Did they walk their dog along my street? Thinking of them as
real people gave me a strange tickling sensation. They were two ordinary people
that enjoyed each other’s bodies under the cover of night. What did she feel
when he touched her? Could it have been half as pleasurable as the sensations
that rippled through my body that night that I gave in to the stranger?

It felt like a
lifetime ago the day I found the note in his pocket. With that one simple note,
Ed had destroyed all the pleasure I had ever felt at a man’s touch. The sex before
that point had been lukewarm at best but if it had ever had the potential to be
more, he had successfully killed it along with my self confidence and my ability
to trust a man.

I had given up
on finding the man that could turn all that around and make me feel alive again
but even if I found him, I was too afraid to put myself in that vulnerable
position again. Could Adam be the one that I’d waited for? Or was it him - the
stranger? Had he always been there, lurking somewhere in the shadows of my mind
watching me and waiting for me? I wanted him to be real. I needed to feel his
hands on me again. I needed to know the answers to all the questions swarming
my mind that kept me awake at night and unable to focus during the day. This
didn’t feel normal but I didn’t know how to stop it and I didn’t think even counseling
was going to help me now. The only way to put an end to the madness that
consumed my mind was to find him and experiment with all the delicious things
that I had only imagined.

The rain soaked
through my clothes making me feel damp and uncomfortable. I longed to peel my
sweatshirt over my head and step into the steam of the shower. I longed to
close my eyes and put out my hands to stroke his bare chest as the hot water
cascaded over us. I wanted to feel skin against skin as we slid together, his
hands gliding over my wet skin.

My heartbeat
steadily increased as I stepped closer to the place where I’d first seen him
standing and watching but all my hopes were dashed when I turned the corner and
realized that he wasn’t there. Logically, I knew the probability of finding him
again was slim to none but still, tonight with the rain and the feelings inside
me, I had been so certain that there was some cosmic force that begged us to
find one another again. What was I thinking? I was a grown woman too old to
believe in fairy tales or happily ever after. Besides that, surely my prince
charming would not make a habit of stalking the shadows to watch complete
strangers have sex?

I looked toward
the house but the curtains were drawn and all the windows were dark. I imagined
the couple sound asleep in each other’s arms, happy and blissfully unaware of
the loneliness that had compelled me to walk the streets alone in the rain to
find something I knew that I would probably never find. I lingered outside the
house. Did I feel a pair of eyes watching me or was it only wishful thinking? I
held my breath and peered into the darkness around me. Did I see movement? Did
a shadow pull away from the trees and slump back again? I opened my mouth to
say something but closed it again. I didn’t even know his name. Could I ever be
certain that it was him?

“Hello,” I
whispered to the night around me but the sound of the rain hitting the ground
drowned out my voice. I waited for a response anyway but there was none. I
stared into the space where I thought there had been movement but soon gave in
to the fact that my mind was probably playing tricks on me.

I felt my heart
sink. I turned and started walking back toward my house while thoughts of my
last few weeks with Ed flashed through my mind. Had there been any warnings
before the end? Why did it always seem that I missed the obvious right in front
of me until it was too late and my relationships disintegrated, falling through
my fingertips like grains of sands? I needed to let go of the past no matter
how much it hurt to accept everything that had happened. Sylvia had tried to
convince me so many times but even she sensed that this was a matter in which
only time could heal my broken heart. Had I really reached a point that I was
willing to move forward or was I using the stranger as I an excuse to hide in
the darkness?

I let myself
into my house, pushing the door behind me and locking it without much thought.
I sighed heavily as I made my way to the shower alone with a heavy heart. Had I
really expected that I would find him and bring him back with me? Would I use
my body to convince him that he should stay? That he should continue to see me?
Was it safer to find love with a stranger that didn’t know my name than to risk
getting to know Adam and have my heart shattered to pieces like Ed had managed
to do?