Twisted (37 page)

Thunder boomed from my heart and tears stormed from my eyes. 
A trembling breath escaped my mouth, when his soft skin touched mine, but I
shook my head.  No.  "This isn't how it's supposed to work.  I want to
marry out of love, not out of fear," I cried softly.

Edwin took my face in his hands and tilted my head up high, until
my blood shot eyes met his, dark blue and intense.  "I do want to marry
you for love.  I won't believe you don't trust that.  It’s just that I'm not
quite ready to exchange my freedom for babies right now.  Please
understand," he begged.

What was left of my heart crushed at the sound of the Edwin's
words.  Heavy machinery came and leveled my dreams.  "I'm ready for babies
now.  I'm sorry, I can't settle for anything less." I sobbed, a hysterical
gasp echoing through the night.

"I just can't do it," he said, fraught with sadness. 
"If you would just trust me, it will happen.  I love you so much and I
have every intention of giving you babies.  Later."

I suddenly wished I could jump from the taxi and swim to the
shore.  The ride was painstakingly slow and I'm sure we had entertained the
other patrons to no end.  I thought long and hard about what Edwin was
proposing, but I couldn't imaging spending another year with him, for fear that
he could swear off having children altogether.

Weary, angry even, I refused to leave anything off the table. 
"When then?" I asked.

He stuttered for a few seconds and stopped trying
altogether.  With a sigh, "I don't know Abs, when we're both ready."

"Honestly Eddie, I love you now more than I’ve ever loved
you.  I want to be with you.  But I can’t play the waiting game.  And this is not
something I’m willing to leave to chance."

"I'll come around.  You know I want a family too,"
he insisted.

"It's cut and dry for me Eddie.  I want a family now. 
It's as plain as that."

As the ferry finally approached the dock, I hurried to the
front hoping to make a quick exit.  When we came to a full stop, I was the
first one waiting at the door, impatiently begging the door to unlock so I
could run away.

Edwin dragged up behind me and the other passengers formed a V
behind him, allowing him to follow me uninterrupted.  He rested his hand on the
small of my back and I squeezed my teary eyes shut as he brought his lips to my
ear.  "You know where I stand," he whispered.

I spun around, seriously distraught.  My eyes narrowed and my
voice rose.  "So this is it?"

"Now that's up to you," he replied calmly.

Leave it up to a lawyer to turn the burden on me.  I choked
back the gloom hanging in the back of my throat, but I couldn't stop the drops
from sliding down my face.  "What am I supposed to say to that?" I
asked soundlessly.

"I won't leave you Abs.  This is your decision.  You either
love me or leave me," he said frankly.

The door latched open.

I leapt from the ferry and rushed down the dock crying. 
"I'm sorry," I wept.

YOU
KNOW WHERE I stand.
 
Those were the last
words that Edwin said to me before I swallowed my courage, ended our
relationship and terminated the only thing that was real to me.  It's
official:  Abigail Jenkins and Edwin Santora are no more.  Standing next to his
truck, I wept and wept some more.

If I get off this roller coaster ride this time, I
won't be getting back on.
 
Why
did I say that?  Why?  Oh yes, because it's true.  That's right… I did the
right thing.  No babies: no Abby.

Edwin took his time getting back to the truck as I waited
alone in the shadows, unaffected by the darkness.  My eyes were flooded with
tears, my vision blurred, my mind cluttered with sadness.  I could see a large
man approaching me, but I couldn't tell who it was and I didn't care.

"Get in the truck," he barked, unlocking the door
remotely.

It was apparent that Edwin had finally decided to grace me
with his presence and he was extremely mad.  For that I didn't give two shits
because I was even madder.

The pain in my chest pulsed, excruciating, the ring of the
chirping crickets, relentless.  The sounds were almost deafening.  I scurried
into the front seat to get away, but the sounds still hung in my ears.  I tried
to concentrate on the steady rumble of the truck's engine, but that didn't help
either, silent voices in my head taunting, blaming me. 
Stop it!  It's not
my fault.

Edwin shifted the truck into reverse and punched the gas,
showboating his anger, shooting stones into the grass.  He slammed the stick
into drive and punched it again, this time shooting stones at the feet of our
trailing audience.

No doubt he wanted to get us home as fast as possible.  I
shared that desire.  I pressed a cold hand to my forehead in an attempt to ease
the tension, but I knew better. 
Nothing will make this better.

There isn't a drug in the world that could make this feeling
go away.  We both knew it was over between us.  There was no other way.  Our
stubbornness had caused us to butt heads in the past and surprise, surprise,
here we are again.  So much for learning from my mistakes.

I smeared the tears from my cheeks as they continued to drip
from my eyes.  Edwin stared at me through disappointed eyes, carefully
inspecting my reaction. 
What did he expect?

After the longest, most agonizing ride home, I hurried inside
for some soul searching.  From the sound of the engine and the squealing tires,
as Edwin pulled away from the house like a psycho, I knew that he was pissed. 
He raced off to blow of some steam and seek some lonely refuge, as he always
did whenever we argued.  And, on cue, I wept to myself trying to figure out
where I went wrong.  Hard to believe we were so blissfully happy a few short
hours ago; that bliss now long lost.

I ran upstairs to my bedroom with plans of improving my
outlook on life, but instead I sobbed and moaned about losing Edwin, the exact
same way I had done too many times before.  How could I call it losing him when
I intentionally pushed him away this time?  I tortured myself with desperate
whimpers of regret and despair, until I finally cried myself to sleep.

The next morning came, whether I wanted it to or not.  Though
I barely slept a wink, I wasn’t even sure whether Edwin had returned home last
night.  I laid there quiet, mouth shut, door closed, still absorbed in my
self-inflicted misery.  I listened carefully for any rummaging around the
house.  I couldn't face Edwin so soon.  Unfortunately, it was Sunday and we
typically laid low on Sundays.  It didn’t matter how long I’d have to wait him
out.  I could not face him.

A couple of hours passed before I finally heard him settle in
downstairs with the TV blaring.  I had a desperate need to use the washroom, so
I jumped out of bed, not wasting the opportunity, and tiptoed to the bathroom
unnoticed.

When I returned to my room I closed the door quietly and
hopped back in bed, still not quite ready to face the day.  I pulled out my I-pod
and turned on the music super loud.  In a matter of minutes the music had me
sobbing in my pillow.

The more I thought about Edwin’s tender kiss and his hard
exterior, the more I started to second guess my decision.  Why do I put us
through such punishment when we are so in love?  At least I’m still in love
with him.  Who knows how he feels about me now, after what I did to him. 
I
can't believe I broke up with him.

There was a part of me that wanted so badly to run down the
stairs, jump into his arms and apologize for my ridiculous antics, but this
isn't the movies and things don't always work that way.  I still had to fight
the urge.  I’d better get out of the house before I really do something I
regret.

I dragged my lazy ass out of bed and pulled my purse to the
floor.  I sat there cross-legged, rummaging frantically for my phone, so I
could text my sister.  It had been too long.

____________________

11:14 AM

Hey
Aub, What's the bestest sista in the whole world up to?  Could use a little
R+R, preferably as far away from my house as possible!!! 
L

____________________

11:16 AM

Uh oh, that doesn't sound good.  Just got home.  Why don’t you
come over?  Aub

____________________

As usual, in a matter of minutes she had messaged me back.  Aubrey
was always there for me when I needed her, and she had experience when it came
to helping me get through a break-up with Edwin.  Being that Aubrey was only a
10 minute walk up the road, I decided to take her up on her offer. 
Immediately.

I slipped on some comfy lounging clothes and pulled on a
light hoody.  I plugged my headphones in my ears, pulled my hoodie over my
messy hair and ignorantly walked out of my room, down the stairs and straight
outside, without a glance in Edwin's direction or acknowledgment of his
existence.  I knew it would hurt him, but it would hurt me more to see him, and
I was being selfish.

It was exceptionally cool for the first week of July, now
that a cold front had moved in, bringing with it random thunderstorms and
treacherous winds.  I didn't care.  Despite the unseasonably cool weather, the
air-conditioners continued to hum and haw from every house thanks to the high
humidity.  I turned up my music louder hoping to drown out the dreariness.  It
blasted my eardrums but it didn't work.  I complained to myself how my already
muddled hair was kinking and curling into a horrible mess and became even more
frazzled.  Now even the humidity was pissing me off.

As if it could get any worse, the light mist turned to droplets
spitting from the sky.  I could just see it, there was someone sitting high in
the dark clouds, dangling their feet, pointing and laughing at me.  A few steps
farther and the spit turned into large drops showering from the clouds.  I let
out an exasperated cry, staring up at the sky, flagging my hands at it like a
madwoman.  Was everything pitted against me?

I started a light jog toward my sister's condo, my
aggravation still escalating.  To my surprise, it was actually quite refreshing
– real – even a relief to let off a little steam.  I went a little faster, my
legs stretching their full length as I started to gain speed.  That's when my
phone vibrated.  I slowed down to a speed walk and pulled my phone from my
kangaroo pocket, rain splashing all over the screen as I checked the message
from Aubrey.

____________________

11:21 AM

I
called your house, but you’re not there.  Edwin says you took off.  Tell me U R
NOT walking in this weather.  You are, aren't you??!!  
L
  Be there in a min.

____________________

Not more than three minutes later, Aubrey's car was speeding
toward me, sloshing down the wet street.  The rain had slowed back down to a
dribble, but the top layer of my clothes were already drenched.  I pulled my
heavy shirt over my head, rung it out quickly, then dropped it on the floor
mat, revealing my ribbed white tank top and tear stained cheeks.  Of course, Aubrey
noticed right away.

"I came as soon as I could," she insisted. 
"Are you okay?"

"No, I'm not okay."  I broke into tears.  Again. 
And I wished I could hide beneath my baggy sleeves and hood, though they were
sopping wet on the floor.

After smearing away the initial downfall with my hands, I
tried to pull myself together.  I could see it was upsetting Aubrey.  I was the
big sister after all, and I'm expected to keep it together.  Not this time.  She
stepped on the gas pedal and drove us to her stylish, upscale condo, as quickly
as her four-banger could carry us.

Underground parking had its benefits, I thought to myself, sighing
aloud as we headed toward the door.  I held my soggy hoody away from me, like
it had cooties, to keep from getting me even more wet.  I still couldn’t bear
the thought of the dreaded elevator ride.  "Are the stairs okay?" I
asked, hoping to avoid her nosy neighbours.

"You got it," she replied, as she flipped her long,
wavy blonde hair over her shoulder.  Aubrey stretched her arm up and over my
shoulder to comfort me, as we trudged up the stairs from the basement to the
second floor.

"Let's get you inside.  There's no need for people to
see you like this," Aubrey whispered, confirming my own concern.  I looked
like hell.

She unlocked her door and let me in first.  After dropping my
shirt onto her marble floor, I shimmied out of my sweatpants, leaving them at
her entryway while I scurried to her couch.  I crashed onto it with a moan.

"Let me get you something to wear, then you can tell me
all about it," Aubrey said, leaving with my soggy clothes in hand.  After
tossing my clothes in her dryer, she returned with a dry pair of dark grey yoga
pants.  I slipped them on and plopped back on the couch, burying my face in my
arms.

She took a seat on her red lounge chair and kicked up her
feet.  Even she knew she was going to be a while.  "So tell me… what is it
now?" she asked.