Twelve Red Herrings (21 page)

“We certainly
are,” said Hazel. “Because we don’t have sixty plates, let alone sixty coffee
cups, sixty teaspoons, sixty...”

“We still have
that Royal Worcester service presented by the late King after his visit in
947,” said Ted. “How many pieces of that are fit for use?”

“Enough for
about fourteen settings, at the last count,” said Hazel.

“Right, then
that’s dealt with how many people will be at the top table.”

“What about the
menu?” asked
Charles.

“And, more
important, who is going to cook it?” added Ted.

“We’ll have to
ask Dotty Cuthbert if she can spare Mrs. Travis for the evening,” said Hazel.
“No one on the island is a better cook. ‘

“And we’ll also
need her butler, not to mention the rest of her staff,’ added Ted.

By now Charles
was onto his third page.

“You’d better
deal with Lady Cuthbert, my dear,” said Ted. “VII try to square Mick Flaherty.”

“Our next
problem will be the drink,’ said Hazel. “Don’t forget, the last Governor
emptied the cellar a few days before he left.”

“And the Foreign
Office refuses to restock it,’

Ted reminded
her. “Jonathan Fletcher has the best cellar on the island ...”

“And, God bless
him, he won’t expect to be at the top table,’ said Hazel.

“If we’re
limited to fourteen places, the top table’s looking awfully crowded already,”
said Ted.

“Dotty Cuthbert,
the Bendalls, the Flahertys, the Hodges,” said Hazel, writing down the names.
“Not to mention the Prime Minister, the Chief Justice, the Mayor, the Chief of
Police, plus their wives...

Let’s hope that
some of them are indisposed or abroad.” She was beginning to sound desperate.

“Where’s he
going to sleep?” asked Charles innocently.

“God, I hadn’t
thought of him sleeping,” said Ted.

“He’ll have to
take our bedroom. It’s the only one with a bed that doesn’t sink in the
middle,” said Hazel.

“We’ll move into
the Nelson Room for the night, and suffer those dreadful woodwormed beds and
their ancient horsehair mattresses.”

“Agreed,” said
Hazel. “I’ll make sure all our things are out of the Queen Victoria Room by
this evening.”

“And, Charles,”
said the Governor, ‘phone the Foreign Office, would you, and find out Mounthatten’s
likes and dislikes. Food, drink, eccentric habits anything you can discover.
They’re sure to have a file on him, and this is one gentleman I don’t want to
catch me out.” The private secretary turned over yet another page of `
:26
-’ his pad, and continued scribbling.

For the next
hour, the three of them went over any and every problem that might arise during
the visit, and after a self-made sandwich lunch, departed in their different
directions to spend the afternoon making begging calls all round the island.

It was Charles’s
idea that the Governor should appear on the local television station’s
early-evening news programme, to let the citizens know that a member of the
Royal Family would be visiting the island the following day. Sir Ted ended his
broadcast by saying that he hoped as many people as possible would be at the
airport to welcome ‘the great war leader’ when his plane touched down at four
the following afternoon.

While Hazel
spent the evening cleaning every room that the great war leader might
conceivably enter, Charles, with the aid of a torch, tended to the flowerbeds
that lined the driveway, and Ted supervised the shuttling of plates, cutlery,
food and wine from different parts of the island to Government House.

“Now, what have
we forgotten?” said Ted, as he climbed into bed at two o’clock that morning.

“Heaven only
knows,” Hazel said wearily before turning out the light. “But whatever it is,
let’s hope Mounthatten never finds out.’

The Governor,
dressed in his summer uniform, with gold piping down the sides of his white
trousers, decorations and campaign medals across his chest, and a Wolsey helmet
with a plume of red-over-white swan’s feathers on his head, walked out onto the
landing to join his wife.

Hazel was
wearing the green summer frock she had bought for the Governor’s garden party
two years before, and was checking the flowers in the entrance hall.

“Too late for
that,” said Ted, as she rearranged a sprig that had strayed half an inch. “It’s
time we left for the airport.” They descended the steps of Government House to
find two Rolls-Royces, one black, one white, and their old Rover standing in
line. Charles followed closely behind them, carrying the red carpet, which he
dropped into the boot of the Rover as his master stepped into the back of the
leading Rolls-Royce.

The first thing
the Governor needed to check was the chauffeur’s name.

“Bill Simmons,”
he was informed.

“All you have to
remember, Bill, is to look as if you’ve been doing this job all your life.”

“Right, Guv.”

“No,” said Ted
firmly.

“In front of the
Admiral, you must address me as “Your Excellency”, and Lord Mounthatten as “My
Lord”. If in any doubt, say nothing.”

“Right, Guv,
Your Excellency.” Bill started up the car and drove towards the gates at what
he evidently considered was a stately pace, before turning right and taking the
road to the airport. When they reached the terminal fifteen minutes later a
policeman ushered the tiny motorcade out onto the tarmac, where the combined
bands were playing a medley from West Side Story – at least, that was what Ted
charitably thought it might be.

As he stepped
out of the car Ted came face to face with three ranks of soldiers from the
Territorial Army standing at ease, sixty-one of them, aged from seventeen to
seventy. Ted had to admit that although they weren’t the Grenadier Guards, they
weren’t “Dad’s Army’ either. And they had two advantages: a real-live Colonel
in full dress uniform, and a genuine Sergeant Major, with a voice to match.

Charles had
already begun rolling out the red carpet when the Governor turned his attention
to the hastily-erected barriers, where he was delighted to see a larger crowd
than he had ever witnessed on the island, even at the annual football derby
between Suffolk and Edward Island.

Many of the
islanders were waving Union Jacks, and some were holding up pictures of the
Queen. Ted smiled and checked his watch.

The plane was
due in seventeen minutes.

The Prime
Minister, the local Mayor, the Chief Justice, the Commissioner of Police and
their wives were lining up at the end of the red carpet. The sun beat down from
a cloudless sky. As Ted turned in a slow circle to take in the scene, he could
see for himself that everyone had made a special effort.

Suddenly the
sound of engines could be heard, and the crowd began to cheer. Ted looked up,
shielded his eyes, and saw an Andover of the Queen’s Flight descending towards
the airport.

It touched down
on the far end of the runway at three minutes before the hour, and taxied up to
the red carpet as four chimes struck on the clock above the flight control
tower.

The door of the
plane opened, and there stood Admiral of the Fleet the Earl Mounthatten of
Burma, KG, PC, GCN, old, gcsi, GCIE, GCVO, OSO,

Fts, rcr (Hon),
try (Hon), attired in the full dress uniform of an Admiral of the Fleet (summer
wear).

“If that’s what
he means by “fairly informal”, I suppose we should be thankful that he didn’t
ask us to lay on an official visit,’ murmured Hazel as she and Ted walked to
the bottom of the steps that had been quickly wheeled into place.

As Mounthatten
slowly descended the stairway, the crowd cheered even louder. Once he stepped
onto the red carpet the Governor took a pace forward, removed his plumed hat,
and bowed. The Admiral saluted, and at that moment the combined bands of town
and police struck up the national anthem. The crowd sang “God Save the Queen’
so lustily that the occasional uncertain note was smothered by their
exuberance.

When the anthem
came to an end the Governor said, “Welcome to St George’s, sir.”

“Thank you,
Governor,” replied Mounthatten.

“May I present
my wife, Hazel.” The Governor’s wife took a pace forward, did a full curtsey,
and shook hands with the Admiral.

“How
good to see you again, Lady Barker.
This is indeed a pleasure.” The
Governor guided his guest to the end of the red carpet and introduced him to
the Prime Minister and his wife Sheila, the local mayor and his wife Caroline,
the Chief Justice and his wife Janet, and the Commissioner of Police and his
latest wife, whose name he couldn’t remember.

“Perhaps you’d
care to inspect the guard of honour before we leave for Government House,”
suggested Ted, steering Mounthatten in the direction of Colonel Hodges and his
men.

“Absolutely
delighted,” said the Admiral, waving to the crowd as the two of them proceeded
across the tarmac towards the waiting guard.

When they still
had some twenty yards to go, the Colonel sprang to attention, took three paces
forward, saluted and said crisply, “Guard of Honour ready for inspection, sir.”
Mounthatten came to a halt and returned a naval salute, which was a sign for
the Sergeant Major, standing at attention six paces behind his Colonel, to
bellow out the words, “Commanding officer on parade!
General
salute, pre-sent arms!’

The front row,
who
were in possession of the unit’s entire supply of
weapons, presented arms, while the second and third rows came rigidly to
attention.

Mounthatten
marched dutifully up and down the ranks, as gravely as if he were inspecting a
full brigade of Life Guards.

When he had passed
the last soldier in the back row, the Colonel came to attention and saluted
once again. Mounthatten returned the salute and said, “Thank you, Colonel.
First-class effort.
Well done.

^” The Governor
then guided Mounthatten towards the white Rolls-Royce, where Bill was standing
at what he imagined was attention, while at the same time holding open the back
door.

Mounthatten
stepped in as the Governor hurried round to the other side, opened the door for
himself, and joined his guest on the back seat. Hazel and the Admiral’s ADC
took their places in the black Rolls-Royce, while Charles and the Admiral’s
secretary had to make do with the Rover. The Governor only hoped that
Mounthatten hadn’t seen two members of the airport staff rolling up the red
carpet and placing it in the Rover’s boot. Hazel was only praying that they had
enough sheets left over for the bed in the Green Room.

If not, the ADC
would be wondering about their sleeping habits.

The island’s two
police motorcycles, with white-uniformed outriders, preceded the three cars as
they made their way towards the exit. The crowd waved and cheered lustily as
the motorcade began its short journey to Government House. So successful had
Ted’s television appearance the previous evening been that the ten-mile route
was lined with well-wishers.

As they
approached the open gates two policemen sprang to attention and saluted as the
leading car passed through. In the distance Ted could see a butler, two
under-butlers and several maids, all smartly clad, standing on the steps
awaiting their arrival. “Damn it,” he almost said aloud as the car came to a
halt at the bottom of the steps. “I don’t know the butler’s name.” The car door
was smartly opened by one of the under-butlers while the second supervised the
unloading of the luggage from the boot.

The butler took
a pace forward as Mounthatten stepped out of the car. “Carruthers, m’lord,” he
said, bowing. “Welcome to the residence. If you would be kind enough to follow me,
I will direct you to your quarters.” The Admiral, accompanied by the Governor
and Lady Barker, climbed the steps into Government House and followed
Carruthers up the main staircase.

“Magnificent,
these old government residences,” said Mounthatten as they reached the top of
the stairs. Carruthers opened the door to the Queen Victoria Room and stood to
one side, as if he had done so a thousand times before.

“How charming,”
said the Admiral, taking in the Governor’s private
suite.
He walked over to the window and looked out onto the newly-mown lawn.
“How very pleasant.
It reminds me of Broadlands, my home in
Hampshire.’

Lady Barker
smiled at the compliment, but didn’t allow herself to relax.

“Is there
anything you require, re’lord?” asked Carruthers, as an under-butler began to
supervise the unpacking of the cases.

Hazel held her
breath.

“No, I don’t
think so,” said Mounthatten. “Everything looks just perfect.”

“Perhaps you’d
care to join Hazel and me for tea in the drawing room when you’re ready, sir,”
suggested Ted.

“How thoughtful
of you,” said the
Admiral.
“I’ll be down in about
thirty minutes, if I may.” The Governor and his wife left the room, closing the
door quietly behind them.