Tragedy's Gift: Surviving Cancer (10 page)

As we planned our big day, feelings of doubt crept into both of our minds, but neither of us had the courage to say anything. Neither of us wanted to hurt the other, or walk away, so unfortunately our feelings were never voiced until after the wedding. We were both great people who were just not great for each other.

We tried for a year to make it work on the advice of our church bishop, but by then hurt and anger overwhelmed the situation and we both agreed to end our marriage. The divorce was painful for both of us, but in our hearts we knew we were doing what was right.

So here I was, a country music success with a gold album, two #1 radio hits, concerts and fans, living my career dream, and my personal life was a wreck. I kept wondering if I would ever find balance. Would everything ever be good all at once? Does anyone really have it all?

It only took about a year for me to find out that having it all takes on new meaning when you finally meet the person God intended for you from the beginning of time.

I was at the peak of my career, performing at country music’s biggest fan event called Fan Fair. All the country music fans from around the world gather in Nashville for a week long festival. All the record labels, artists and musicians come to greet and get to know the fans. It’s a crazy time and an honor for artists to be there. I was positioned next to Neal McCoy, who I had met, along with his family at my very first Fan Fair. He was there again with his wife and family who were helping with tee shirts and other souvenirs.

During the first day, I looked over into Neal’s booth and saw his wife’s sister, Traci. It was literally love at first sight. She took my breath away. Traci was the girl that my dreams were made of. She was a beautiful brunette with big blue eyes and a smile that stole my heart. I knew she was the blessing that God had for me all along. This time I was going to do everything right and not let her get away.

The more I got to know Traci, the more I loved her. She had been around the music industry enough with Neal to know that it was a hard, bumpy and unpredictable road. The twists and turns wouldn’t catch her off guard, she loved country music and we made a great team. It was evident to both of us that we were meant to be together. After many outrageously high cell phone bills and a lot of airline tickets, a year later we were married.

Not long after our honeymoon we experienced our first trial together. I was dropped from my record label. The label was going through many changes and the people I knew there and the ones who championed my efforts were all gone. That meant that I had no more radio support, no more tour support and no more of any of the perks that go along with being under the protection of a record company. It was just me and Traci and my fans.

Although times were tough financially, (a few hit songs doesn’t make the artist a millionaire) and emotionally, and we went through another surgery, broken bones and even the devastating loss of Traci’s father to cancer, we have remained committed and in love.

Have there been times when either of us had enough cause to walk away? Yes. Have there been times when we thought we couldn’t make it? Yes. Do I still think she is the most beautiful woman and biggest blessing in my life? Yes! Do we respect and love each other for better or worse? Absolutely! That is why we are together. We share a pure God-given love for each other that cannot be broken by our circumstances or the state of our careers.

Traci and I have spent six years working things out as they come along. We continue to dream about our goals as a couple and we plan to forge ahead into whatever opportunities come our way and to someday soon start our own little family. I love Traci and am thankful that she never gives up on us. That’s what I call balance!

Matthew’s Wish

I will always owe a debt of gratitude to the Make-A-Wish Foundation for being another part of the puzzle that saved my life. My visit to meet David Foster was incredible and a dream come true. It was the caring and love of the Foundation staff that touched me and gave me strength to fight back and live.

After I went to Los Angeles to meet David, I wrote a letter of gratitude to the Sacramento chapter and vowed to always be a “wish kid” and gladly do my part to help them whenever I could.

When I wrote that letter, I never dreamed I would be able to live up to that promise, but years later found myself in shock as I learned that a young boy living in his hospital bed as I did eight years before now wished to meet me.

I received a call from my manager saying that a young seven-year-old boy had contacted the Make-A-Wish Foundation and said that, “Nobody Knows” was his favorite song and he wanted to meet the guy who sang it. I wasn’t sure he even knew my name and I didn’t care! To imagine that my music was helping someone else hold on while they were fighting a horrible disease was unbelievable. Being on the other side of the wish was indescribable to say the least.

The only problem with this wish was that time was against us. Matthew had very little time and I was far away, but the arrangements were made and before I knew it I was on a plane to Houston, Texas to fulfill a wish. It was seven years before that I was on my first plane ride to be the recipient of a wish. Now the circumstances had come full circle.

I suddenly realized what David Foster must have been feeling. What was I going to say to Matthew? Who was I to be someone’s wish? Could I live up to what he hears in my music?

There were so many other things a seven-year-old boy could have asked for.

I was unprepared for the feelings that came next. I was greeted at the airport by ladies from the local Foundation and rushed directly to the hospital. We were met by Matthew’s parents who couldn’t find words to express their gratitude. The entire experience was overwhelming.

I was so wrapped up in the honor, I never prepared for the reality of the situation. As I walked into his room, I could see this fragile child hooked up to every machine that could fit into the room. He was hardly conscious and couldn’t speak. As the tears rolled down my face I knew that this experience would change me forever.

As I sat next to him, I watched as a nurse used a suction devise every few minutes to clear his windpipe. I sang, “Nobody Knows” at his bedside and although it was brief, everyone in the room got to see him smile.

I asked to have a moment alone with Matthew and although I could see how loving and wonderful his parents were, I could tell they were having a struggle with letting him go. So many times we make the mistake of allowing our dying loved one to suffer because we don’t have the strength to let them go. Sometimes there just isn’t a miracle in Heaven and it is simply someone’s time to go. In Matthew’s case I could see that he was waiting for someone to tell him it was okay to stop fighting. I leaned in and told him that everyone was going to be all right. No one would forget him and everyone would always love him. I told him that I was sick a long time ago too, but for some reason I didn’t die. I could sense a peace come over him and I felt peaceful knowing that he understood what I was saying to him. Even though he was a child, he was so smart and so tough and brave.

Matthew passed away just three short days later, but the gift he gave to me will live on in my heart and soul forever. He allowed me to fulfill my promise to the Make-A-Wish Foundation, but more importantly, he allowed me to give encouragement and love to a child that was fighting to stay alive and help a family during a devastating and impossible time. Matthew hasn’t been the only child to wish to spend some time together with me, but he was the first and will always have a special place in my heart.

Thank you Matthew.

Another Dream Comes True: Barry Manilow

The first and only concert I ever attended as a child was to see Barry Manilow. My parents bought tickets for the family as a gift. At the time, my brother Larry’s favorite artist was Ozzy Osbourne, so needless to say he wasn’t as excited as I was. Our seats were very high up, only three rows from the back wall, but I was ecstatic. I loved Barry’s songs and thought that his music was great. I aspired to be as good as Barry when I got older. As I watched the concert, I dreamed of being on stage and singing with him someday. Every child dreams of becoming like their heroes.

When I was younger I used to practice by vocalizing loudly to his songs in my room.

During my illness my choir teacher, who also loved Barry’s music, came to visit me in the hospital. He and I had our disagreements in the past, especially because he didn’t believe that I was as sick as I was and had such a difficult time performing in his class. But our mutual respect and love for Manilow songs always gave us a common ground. We both appreciated the artistry and entertainment value of his work. When he walked into my hospital room, he handed me the newest Manilow cassette and that night I listened to a song called
Please Don’t Be Scared
, which literally touched my soul. It was exactly what I needed to hear on that specific night. I felt like it was written just for me.

I had been fighting fear and depression for weeks and that song seemed to speak perfectly to my heart. I found myself listening to it often after that night and I credit it to being another piece of the puzzle of what saved my life during that time. Whenever I wanted to give up so the pain would stop, I would turn to music. In this instance it was Barry Manilow.

Years later, after my third single went to number one, I had the opportunity to sing that same song with Barry Manilow on a TV special he was shooting in Nashville. It hit me that night that my life was full of incredible moments that are almost impossible to explain or believe. I was transported back to that night when I was at the top row of his concert.

I wouldn’t wish my illness on anyone, but I can honestly say that situations like these make life worth living, and without the fight, I may have never understood the true meaning of the value of enjoying every moment. There is great power in visualizing a dream in your mind until the day it actually happens. I fully realize that life is a precious gift that should be treasured every minute.

The Good The Bad and The Ugly

One of the greatest blessings in my life is the fact that every day I am able to be part of something that I love to do and am passionate about. However, that doesn't mean that it is not hard work, sometimes unfair and sometimes just plain ugly.

The thousands of kind words about my music, my performances or my courage have kept me afloat during the most difficult or emotionally draining times. I could be dragging along feeling like I can't go another step when a fan or someone who is in my corner will say the perfect words to breathe new energy into my day. There are so many times when I see someone standing in a line to get my autograph or to buy a concert ticket and I am overwhelmed with gratitude. If it were possible for me to thank every person individually I would.

One of the greatest and strangest compliments from a fan came from a young girl who had her orthodontist put my name and picture on her retainer! Other fans had outrageous requests for me, like signing body parts and much more. I must say the request was tempting, but I never really felt comfortable with that, so I didn't. It would have been easy for me to take advantage of many offers made to me by female fans and many times it was very tempting to my human nature, but for various reasons personal, professional and spiritual, I did not.

I remember the day I walked into the rehearsals for the American Music Awards, Dick Clark greeted me and said, “Kevin, I'm glad you're here!” I couldn't believe that Dick Clark knew my name. I could have died a happy man at that moment. I didn't get to see much of it because my seat was directly behind Shaquille O’Neal, but just having a reason to be in the same room with Shaq and so many other stars was exciting.