Authors: Bethany Sefchick
"Ben?"
She used his nickname, the very name she had
not called him since she was old enough to pronounce his proper name.
But she used it now to let him know, in some
small way, that she was still, at heart, the girl he remembered.
There was hesitation in her voice because
she knew they were on the verge of a dangerous precipice.
The kiss they could recover from, but this?
Probably not.
In all the time she'd longed for Benjamin to see her as a woman,
it had never occurred to her that he already did.
"Jules."
In the darkness, she could see the faint
spark of light in his eyes reflected from the moon, which had finally peeked
out from the clouds overhead.
"I
could not allow myself to want you, even though I did.
Desperately.
You were my friend.
Nicholas' sister.
So I pretended
that I did not want.
That I did not
desire.
But it was a lie.
I did."
His chest rose as he swallowed hard.
"I understand if you hate me for the kiss, but I cannot
regret it.
I would take more from you
if I could, but you are a lady, and I would never ask it of you."
"What if I were to give it
freely?"
It was a bold, brazen
thing to say, but cloaked in the darkness, Julia felt brave and, to be honest,
just a little womanly, especially when she felt Benjamin's cock pressing into
her.
"If not you, then who,
Ben?
Who would have me?"
He reached up and stroked his thumb
over her scars.
"Someone.
There is someone for you, Jules.
I told you that already.
But it cannot be me.
You know that, as well."
He could never marry her with the secret
still between them.
It would not be
fair or right.
But if it were not
there?
If things were different?
He would have her halfway to Gretna Green
before the sun rose.
He wanted her that
much.
He always had.
"I know."
Truly she did not know why.
She never had.
Other than the scars.
Yet
he said over and over that they did not matter to him.
So if not those, then what?
Then again, he did want her.
Could she at least have a little taste of
the passion she knew they could share?
It would not be enough, but unless she shared it with the duke now, she
was honest enough with herself to know that there would never be another man
who would want her.
"But I do not
care.
I know what I want.
I know
who
I want.
I will take whatever you are willing to give
me for however short a time that is."
"What?"
It was Benjamin's turn to be confused.
Was she truly offering what he thought she
was?
"You cannot be serious,
Jules.
An affair?"
She traced his lips with her
fingertips, feeling the heat of his breath on her skin.
"An affair.
I know you will not marry me, that you see it as something you
can never do.
Nor would I expect
it.
And while I do not agree with you,
I also know that if I do not taste passion from you, then I will never taste it
at all."
She pressed a single finger
to his lips when he moved to speak.
"They are pretty words, Ben, but both of us are realists.
We both know that no other man will have me,
or, if they do, they will want my fortune or the other things we have already
discussed.
But they will not want
me
.
They will not
see
me.
You do."
"Are you certain of
this?"
His body ached with the
thought of finally having her.
"Once done, it cannot be undone."
He had denied thinking of the possibility for so long that now
that he had, it was all he could think about.
Her soft skin.
Her lush
breasts.
All his.
The only one to ever touch her.
"I am."
There was a certainty in her voice that he
had not heard before.
"I want
passion, Ben, at least a taste.
And I want
it with you."
She placed her hand
on his chest, feeling his heart beat hard and strong beneath his skin.
"I will not fall in love with you, and
I know better than to expect pretty promises that you cannot keep.
I will take what you give, so long as when
you are with me, there are no others."
As if he would be that much of a
cad.
"No others, Jules.
I promise.
And when the season ends?
What
then?"
The logical part of his
mind screamed that this was madness, that he was reckless and playing with fire
for even considering it.
Julia was an
innocent.
She had grown up in
Sussex.
She had been sheltered her
entire life.
She did not know the way
of things.
Then again, Nicholas was her
brother, and he was certain she had learned a great deal from him as well,
intentional or not.
She looked up at him with seduction
in her eyes.
"Then I will return
to Seldon Park.
I will ask nothing
more."
She bit her lip, knew that
he was wavering.
"Please,
Ben.
In all the time we have known each
other, I have asked for nothing but this.
I need someone who sees me, all of me, for what I am."
Then she paused.
"You know about the other scars, as well.
Another man would not.
They might not...
That is to say that should they see, they might change their
minds.
Or worse."
Finally, Benjamin saw the true
heart of her request.
She was afraid
that if she were naked in front of another man, there would be no way to hide
the scars.
True enough, but then he
glimpsed the fear in her eyes, and he saw the rest.
She was afraid the man would use that information to win the bet
in the book at White's.
He would not
care for her, so he would betray her deepest secrets.
She knew Benjamin would never do such a thing.
"If you are certain," he
finally said and was surprised when she let out a breath.
Surely she knew there was no way he could
truly refuse her, "then we shall."
He looked around.
"But not
here.
Not in this place.
When it happens, when we are ready, we shall
know."
"Like in the coach the other
night."
She dug her fingers into
his arms, as if she was already anticipating removing his frock coat.
Nodding, he brought his forehead to
rest against her.
"Like in the
coach.
I did not want to stop,
Jules.
I wanted you, but I was afraid
to press for more."
"I would have granted you
anything."
If she wanted Benjamin,
she was going to be honest in her desires.
This would not work otherwise.
"I know that now."
There was laughter in his voice, and he ran
his thumb along her scars again.
"Julia, I will not do this by halves only.
If I am going to take you to bed, then I
will seduce you to get you there.
The
courting that was for the public only?
From
now on, it shall be real.
Every kiss,
every touch, every caress will be from my heart.
Then, when you are finally beneath me, ready for me to enter you,
you will know that it is because I want you.
You and no one else."
With every word that he spoke, even
the scandalous ones, Julia felt her blood heat and her body respond.
Her breasts tingled and the familiar throb
began between her legs again.
"I
want that too."
"I will make you forget
these."
Now his thumb traced the
column of her neck and under her jaw where the singular line snaked its way
down her body.
"And if you cannot
forget, I will make you understand that they do not detract from your beauty,
but rather enhance it."
He rested
his thumb on her collarbone for a moment before tracing its line to her
shoulders and then back, where the scar snaked its way below her bodice.
"And when we are done, when that first
coupling is completed..."
"Yes?"
She was so enflamed that, had she burst into
actual flame at that moment, it would not have been unexpected.
"What then?"
"Then," he sighed as he
kissed her on the lips before moving lower, his mouth following the path his
thumb had just traced.
"Then I
will take you again and again.
I will
teach you all about the pleasures of the flesh so that when we have finished,
you will think of no man but me again."
He was playing with fire, he knew, but he did not care.
Now that he had Julia, soft and willing in
his arms, he did not want to let her go.
He would deal with the consequences of his words later.
For now, he wanted her to glory in them, to
understand that, for him anyway, there would never be another woman who could
hold the special place in his heart that she occupied.
For while he could not marry Julia,
he could not marry any other woman either.
He had loved Julia since they were children, since he had committed an
unspeakable act in her name.
To replace
her in his heart would be unthinkable.
He had never dreamed that she would offer herself to him.
Now that she had, he should be a better
man.
He should resist, or at the very
lest, discourage her.
But he was not
strong enough.
He was being offered
temptation on a silver platter, and he was, after all, nothing more than a
man.
He could not resist reaching out
and taking what was offered, even though he knew it meant the ruin of the woman
he loved.
And, quite possibly, him as
well.
"There will never be another
for me, either, Ben."
Her voice
was so low that he almost missed the words.
"Now be a good duke and seduce me properly."
"You and Radcliffe were out
late last night."
Nicholas sat
down to breakfast across from Julia, and she nearly jumped right out of her
chair.
She didn't think her brother
would appreciate his best friend seducing his sister - even if she was the one
who had suggested it.
Still, there was
no censure in his tone, merely statement of fact.
That meant he did not know.
She buttered a piece of toast,
thankful her hands did not shake.
"The fireworks were lovely, and I have never seen anything like them."
That was the truth.
Nicholas did not have to know that she and
Benjamin had spent so much time kissing that they'd missed quite a bit of
magnificent spectacle.
"The music
was wonderful as well.
I was quite
enjoying myself and Radcliffe indulged my wish to stay.
He is a gentleman that way."
Well, that was partly true.
She'd wanted to stay in the gardens longer,
but he had insisted that they had been gone long enough and didn't want the
gray-clad escort sent by Lady Berkshire to come looking for them.
Or worse, Nicholas.
"You could see those things
more often if you stayed in town, had another season."
He was looking at her over the rim of his
cup, his eyes almost pleading, and she was certain he did not know.
Otherwise, he would forbid her from ever
returning.
"For the first time
since we've come to London, you're having fun, Jules.
Now, when the season is over.
Please say you'll think about returning, even if it's only for the
Little Season."
In her heart, she knew she could
not do that.
Once her seduction with
Benjamin ended, she would not be able to face him again.
She'd lied in the garden the night before
when she'd assured him that she would be fine with a simple affair, no hearts
involved.
Her heart had been involved
long ago, but if he had known that, he would have refused her.
He would have said no, and she would be
forever denied even a taste of what she had desired for so long.
No, when the season ended, she would return
to Seldon Park, keeping her dreams of Benjamin close to her heart, knowing
those moments would never come again.
"I shall think about it,"
she finally acquiesced, knowing that Nicholas would not let the issue rest
unless she agreed.
"But I do not
have to decide right at this moment about returning, do I?
What I do need to think about, however, is
what stores I am going to visit."
"Shopping?"
Her brother lit up at those words, which was
completely unexpected.
"Jules,
that's wonderful!"
Frowning, she picked at a bit of
bacon.
That was not the reaction she
had anticipated.
"I shall be
spending money, Nick.
Your money,
actually.
How is that wonderful, at
least from your perspective?"
Rising, he placed a kiss on the top
of her head.
"The wardrobe we
purchased for you was to last a month, Jules.
Two at the most.
Instead, it has
lasted you nearly the entire season.
If
you now need to go purchase more things for your remaining few weeks in town,
it means that you are finally having fun.
You are having the season you should have enjoyed all these months.
And that, my dear, is a wonderful
thing."
Julia took a moment to study her
brother.
He had always been generous
with her, almost to a fault, but they both knew that the family coffers were
not as full as either of them would like.
Yet he did not seem to begrudge her, either.
Not that he ever would.
He doted on her far too much.
"I'll grant you that does make
a good deal of sense. Though I am still not certain I believe you when you say
that you enjoy me spending your money."
Then again, with Benjamin refilling the Rosemont coffers, her brother
could afford to be generous.
She had
almost forgotten that little bit of information.
Serious now, Nicholas sat down
beside her.
"I would give it all
away, you know.
The fortune, everything
I've rebuilt, just to see you happy again.
You have paid for sins you did not commit, Jules, and I could not stop
it."
She knew he was referring to her
scars and the exile in Sussex.
Here was
her chance to press for the truth.
Yet
she did not take it.
She could
not.
Instead, she reached for her
brother's hand.
"I am happy,
Nick.
At least I am in this
moment.
I cannot ask for more.
I dare not."
She pressed her other hand to her cheek and the marred flesh
there.
"I learned long ago not to
reach for what I knew I could never obtain.
So I never wished to be happy, uncertain that I could grasp an emotion
so fragile and fleeting."
"But today?"
He squeezed her hand, and in his eyes, Julia
saw a reflection of her own sadness.
What had her brother given up after their parents had died?
What had he sacrificed for her?
There was something, she was certain, but
again, she would not press.
He would
tell her when he was ready and not a moment before.
"Today I am happy," she
admitted with a smile, happy when he returned it.
"And I will cherish that happiness for as long as it
lasts."
"Because of
Benjamin."
She knew what her
brother was asking, even though he didn't say the words.
She nodded, not wanting to lie to
Nicholas.
"Partly, yes.
He has been a good friend to me.
He has not hurt me, and I trust that he will
not.
I know that I cannot have him,
Nick.
I am not so foolish as to believe
otherwise.
But he is giving me a
glimpse into a world that I would not otherwise see, one that my scars would
prevent me from entering.
But he is a
duke, and they will not deny him.
And I
am happy that he takes me with him, even if it is only because he is an old
friend."
"I just don't want to see you
hurt."
Like I was.
Nick didn't have to say the words.
Julia could hear them in the silence, and
again she wondered what had cut him so deeply.
This was a side of him she had never seen in all of the visits he'd made
to Seldon Park, and now, she rather wished she would have.
Perhaps she could have helped.
Shaking her head, she rose from her
chair.
"I will not be, Nick.
Benjamin and I both understand what we are
about.
The illusion of courting?
The flowers?
The dancing?
It is a
favor for an old friend.
An experience
that shall never come again, which we both know without illusion.
And in a few weeks, we will go our separate
ways, and I, at least, will be richer in experience because of it."
"As long as you are both in
the same place on this.
His heart may
be far more involved that you suspect, Jules.
The Duke of Radcliffe may act cool and aloof, but, at his heart, he has
more passion than even he realizes."
To Julia, it seemed that Nick wanted to say more, to tell her that
Benjamin was more deeply involved with her than she suspected.
As it was, he was implying it quite
heavily.
Then again, that was what she
wanted
to hear.
That did not make it true.
"He does not love me,"
she assured Nick as she made to leave the room and go upstairs to collect
Meggy, as well as a few footmen for a shopping expedition.
"He cares for me a great deal as a
friend, Nick, but there is no love.
Trust me in this."
Then she was gone, Nick watching
her go and wondering how the two people he loved most in the world could be so
completely blind and stupid.
Hard as she tried to put them
aside, Nick's words lingered in Julia's mind as she shopped.
Darting from one store to another should
have been enough to take her mind off of her brother's implication that
Benjamin cared more for her than he was willing to admit.
Then again, since she was thinking of dressing
to please Benjamin, it was difficult to get him out of her mind in any way.
Not that she would admit to
thinking about the handsome duke, at least not to her chaperone.
Meggy had made her feelings about Benjamin
perfectly clear, and the maid was rather vocal in her feelings every time Julia
so much as hinted that something she was thinking of purchasing might be
because of a man.
Well, one man in
particular.
Now, with the carriage stuffed full
of packages, Julia was trying to decide if she needed to visit one last modiste
when a large shadow partially blocked her field of view.
Looking up, she saw the Marquess of
Landover, the one man she wished never to see again.
Propriety dictated that she be polite, but at the moment, she
wished to avoid him at all costs.
He
had threatened Benjamin, and for that alone, she had no wish to associate with
the man.
However, at least polite
greetings looked unavoidable.
"Lady Julia."
The words were polite, yet once more, they
felt rather oily, much to her dismay.
"Such a pleasure to see you, my dear.
You are not about in town often enough, I fear.
We should like to see more of you."
"That's kind of you to say, my
lord," she said with as much politeness as she could muster.
"But as you know, I primarily reside at
Seldon Park, and rarely see the need to come into town."
He inclined his head, as if
studying her.
"Still, it is a
magnificent thing that you could join us for a season.
You put the other debutantes to shame, you
know."
He smiled then, but it did
not reach his eyes, and Julia felt her skin prickle with unease.
"In fact, it would be my pleasure to
escort you for ices so that I might show off a bit.
Be seen in your fine company?"
He offered his arm, as if there was no chance she would turn him
down.
Shaking her head, she backed up a
bit, wanting to be away from him.
"I am afraid not, my lord.
As I am sure you are aware, I am being courted.
It would not be fair to you to give you
false hope where there is none."
That, at least, was true.
"Lord Radcliffe has my affections, and that cannot be
changed."
Her response was clearly not what
Landover wanted to hear, and he reached out to put a hand on her arm.
She looked down at it in dismay and then
back up to the marquess.
It was beyond
inappropriate for him to touch her when she'd not given permission, something
he well knew.
"I would ask that you remove
your hand, my lord," she growled through clenched teeth, wondering where
her driver was.
Anthony was usually
always near by. Then, out of the corner of her eye, she saw Landover's driver
detaining him.
Not by force, precisely,
but still in a way that was drawing attention.
Meggy was with them as well, since she'd been placing parcels in the
carriage while Julia decided what shop to visit next, leaving her virtually
defenseless.
"But, my dear, surely you will
offer me a chance to claim your heart?"
Landover's words were pretty but they lacked sincerity and emotion.
They were as empty as he appeared to
be.
Julia had no doubt that there were
other motives behind his accosting her, though she had no idea what they
were.
However, she did mean to find
out.
Tired of being polite, she yanked
her arm away, not caring who saw or what gossip might spring from it.
It could be all over the scandal sheets
tomorrow for all she cared, but she would not allow this man to touch her any
longer than was necessary.
"I am
sorry, Lord Landover, but my affections are engaged elsewhere.
I would ask that you respect that,
please."
She went to move around him, but he
blocked her path, and she was beyond shocked.
No one, especially a peer, accosted a woman in the streets the way
Landover was doing at this very moment.
"Let me pass, my lord."
She didn't want to cause any more of a scene, but she would if
necessary.
She had little to lose,
after all, while Landover had a great deal.