“I can live with that,” she says, smiling. “At least Ill know that Ive saved your soul.”
“Hell fight for me,” I say, knowing its a last resort. “Otter will know something is wrong, and he will fight for me.”
She nods. “He probably will. People like him are soft. Thats why, Bear, you have to make him believe you. Thats why you have to make sure he wont want to fight for you.”
“Hell fight for me,” I mumble.
“Let him, then. You know whats at stake.”
“You cant do this.”
“I am your mother, Bear. I can do anything to you that I want.” “I hate you.”
“Youll get over it in time.”
My head hangs low. “You cant…,” I say, knowing she can. “Whos more important to you?” she says gently. “Who needs you
on the door. I can feel the wood under my hands, but I cant hear the sound it makes, because the storm has finally broken open, and the winds are howling in my ears every time I attempt to come up for air. I lower my hand back to my side as another wave crashes over my head and forces me under. Water pours into my nose, and I know Im drowning now. I want to fight to the surface, but I cant. Its so far overhead and would require more effort than my body can expend.
The door opens and Creed is in front of me and saying something, his face twisted. His words are muffled underneath the roaring storm, the beating of the ocean. I walk in and mumble something; what, I dont know. He tries to grab onto my arm, but I shake him off and walk slowly up the stairs. I know he wants to follow me, but he doesnt. I reach Otters door and place my hand on the doorknob. It feels cool under my skin, and thunder rumbles deep in my head and heart, and I think that if there is to ever be a moment for me to salvage today, that this will be it. All it will take is for me to thrust my head above the water and take a gasp of air. Just one is all it will take. I try to rise, and then a voice in my head repeats my breaking point—
I twist the knob and the latch frees and the door opens. Light from the hallway spills into the darkened room and splays itself onto the bed where Otter and the Kid lay. Otters head is to the side, and he takes long, deep breaths, and I know hes asleep. The Kid rises and falls with every inhalation from his position on Otters chest. The seafloor shifts beneath me, and I know that it will soon break apart and suck me down into it. I walk slowly into the room and shake the Kid gently. His eyes come alert instantly, searching the room wearily until they alight upon me. His smile is cautious, and I know he is testing the waters to see how I am. I summon what strength I have left and smile back, and it must be enough because he relaxes visibly, and I put a finger to my lips, telling him to be quiet. He nods and slowly extricates himself from Otters grasp. Otter shifts subtly in his sleep, and a lock of hair falls onto his forehead, and my heart breaks. The Kid walks to the door and looks back at me. I follow him and shut the door behind me.
Ty grasps my hand, and we walk back down the stairs, where Creed stands, arms crossed, tapping his foot impatiently. He sees us and rolls his eyes. “What the hell is going on?” he growls. “Your
mother
?”
I shrug.
“What the fuck did she want, Bear? Where the fuck has she been?”
I feel the Kid jerk my hand, and I look down at him, and he sees something in my eyes and just like that, he knows. His eyes widen and his bottom lip quivers, and the accusation in his glare is almost more than I can take. “What have you done?” he whispers. “Oh, Bear. What did you
do
?”
“You promised me,” he says angrily. “You promised me that nothing would change.”
Creed looks back and forth between us, confused. “What? Whats changing? What the hell is going on, Bear? What do you have to do? Your moms still not at your house, is she? Because if she is, I swear to God Im going to kick her fucking ass—”
I shake my head, cutting him off. “Shes gone. Shes gone back to where ever she came from.” I look back down at Ty. “Go with Creed, Kid,” I tell him softly. “Hell take care of you until I get home.”
“
What did you do
!” he shouts, causing Creed to jump back. I dont even blink. “
What the fuck did you do, Bear!
”
“I did what I had to, Ty,” I say dully. “I did what I had to, to keep you safe. I dont expect you to understand.”
His eyes start to plead as he grabs my hand again. “Whatever it is, we can fix it!” he begs. “Whatever she did, shes gone now! We can make everything right again.”
I shake my head, and his tears start flowing freely now. “Go with Creed, Kid.”
“Bear?” a voice says from the top of the stairs, and the earthquake begins. I feel it roll up through my body and every ledge that Ive ever made, every safe haven that Ive ever constructed breaks apart and blows away. Daggers stab through my eyes, and I turn and see Otter standing at the top of the stairs, his hair sticking up every which way, rubbing the last bit of sleep from his eyes. He smiles down at me but it slowly fades as he sees in me the same thing that the Kid has seen.
“Otter, somethings not right,” the Kid says loudly. “Somethings wrong, and Bear
promised me—
”
“Creed,” I say. “Please take Ty home. Ill be right behind you.”
“
No!
” the Kid yells as Creed picks him up. “No, Creed! You dont understand! You have to stop him! You have to stop Bear!”
Creed looks helplessly at me, and I point toward the door, and the Kid begins to sob. “I hate her!” he cries. “
I hate her
! You cant let her do this, Bear! You cant let her win!” Theres more, a lot more, but its buffeted as Creed closes the door behind them. I hear Otter moving swiftly down the steps, and he peers through the window, looking out into the driveway. Moments later, his body is illuminated as the lights on Creeds car turn on. I hear him reverse out of the driveway, and then its quiet.
“What is going on?” Otter says suddenly, turning to face me. “What the hell was that all about? What happened with your mom?”
I look over at him, and his face is stony, his eyes suspicious. It pains me further to have him ever look at me this way, but I know its not going to get any better from here. I take a deep breath and open my mouth to speak, to say what it is Ive hastily rehearsed, when it catches in my throat. I gag on it, and molten steel presses against my stomach, and its sharp and blazing, and I think it will tear me apart. I bend over, clutching myself, and I hear Otter rush over to me, and then his arms are around me, and hes rocking me like he always does when the world gets too loud, when the water threatens to rise. He doesnt know now that Im already gone. He doesnt know now that its already too late.
“Its okay, Bear,” he whispers in my ear. “Its going to be okay. Im here, and its going to be okay—”
“No, its not,” I gasp out and push myself forcibly away from him. He reels back and catches his footing just before he falls on his ass. I didnt mean to push him so hard, but I felt him starting to pull me up from the depths. I felt myself starting to rise, and I know that if I breach the surface now, theres going to be no way that I can do this, theres no way that I can carry out this farce. Ty is depending on me now, more than ever, and I cant have Otter pulling me up for air.
“Whats going on, Bear?” he says, his eyes hard again. “What happened to you?”
“I cant be with you anymore,” I say, knowing I cant take them back. I squeeze my eyes shut and try to recapture my breathing, trying to keep it under control. In the darkness, I see the thunderstorm flash brightly above the surface. Lightning shatters its way across the sky, and it looks like a shooting star. Im not so far gone yet to know that its a lie.
He snorts. “What? Like hell, Bear. That was a nice try, though.”
“I cant be with you anymore,” I say again. “Its not who I am.”
“What did she say to you?” he snaps.
“She didnt say anything,” I tell him. “This has nothing to do with her.”
“Like
hell
it doesnt!” he snarls, and I feel a rush of air and think its the wind again, but then I feel Otters breath upon my face, and I know hes standing right in front of me. I dont open my eyes. I cant.
“What did she do, Bear? Its only been a couple of hours! What the fuck did she do to you?”
“Please, Otter,” I whisper.
“Please what?” he says angrily. “I leave you alone with her against my better judgment, and now youre here standing in front of me, not even able to look me in the eye, telling me you dont want to be with me? Of
course
Im going to ask questions. Of
course
Im going to make you explain everything. Youre not getting away that easily. Youre not going to sit there and spout your stupid bullshit!”
My eyes flash open, and for the first time tonight, I am angry with him. Irrationally so, but angry nonetheless. I dont know what I expected to happen, but the way it wells inside me makes me nauseous. I want to lash out and hit and scratch and bite, and as much as I try to tell myself that he has every right to act this way, every right to demand an explanation thats not a flat-out
lie
, I cant help it. Its like all the capillaries have burst behind my eyes because all I see is red.
He doesnt move, doesnt flinch at my raised voice; its like hes turned to stone. “What the fuck you mean its not who you are?” he growls. “Who do you think youre talking to here, Bear? I know you better than anyone in the world. I know when youre lying.”
“We were only kidding ourselves, Otter,” I say, my voice as cold as I can make it. Something inside me shifts then and falls into the chasm that has opened up inside of me, and I dont think Ill ever get it back. “This… this
thing
we had, it was wrong. It was a mistake.”
OTTER!
the voice suddenly roars from inside of me.
OTTER! DON’T LISTEN TO HIM! HE’S A FRAUD! OH, OTTER! PLEASE HEAR ME! HE’S LYIN—
“A mistake?” Otter says incredulously. “How was it a
mistake
? How can you stand in front of me and say that? What did she do to you, Bear? What does she have on you?”
“Fine,” he says turning away from me. “Fine. Lets go.”
“Go? Go where?”
He starts walking up the stairs. “Im changing, and were going to your house. Were going there so I can see for myself that shes gone. And then were calling every goddamned hotel in Seafare to make sure shes not camped out somewhere. Youre lying to me, Bear, and I swear to God Im going to find out why.”
“Because the Bear I know would never do this. The Bear I know wouldnt crap out on something like this. On
me
.”
“Then obviously you dont know me as well as you think you do,” I say with a scowl, feeling my insides turn to liquid mush. I reach up to try and stop him. My hand grabs hold of his arm, and Im already thinking of the next line I could feed him, how to cut him where it would hurt the most. I hate her and will hate her for the rest of my life. I feel his arm tense, but I dont have time to prepare even though I know whats coming. I wonder if I could have stopped it even if I did.
“Bear,” I hear him say, and his voice is tinged with something that I cant quite place. Then hes whirling around, jerking his arm out of my hands and inadvertently striking my chest in the process. I try to keep myself from falling back, but gravity is a funny thing. It never works when you think about it. I reach for the railing. I reach for him, and I can see his eyes widen as his arms shoot out, but by the time they reach where I was standing, Ive already fallen back. I take a moment while Im suspended in free fall to ponder just how fucked this situation is, and then I try to curl myself up into a ball, but my back hits one of the stairs, and my arms shoot one way, and my legs shoot another, and the breath is knocked out of me as I roll down the stairs.
Carpet!
I think hysterically.
Thank God for carpet!
Its over before I have time to register that it is. I lay on my back and stare up at the ceiling, wondering how it could have come to this.
“Bear?” I hear him whisper, and my eyes find him still standing at the top of the stairs, and I see him shaking in horror. My body goes through a preliminary check list, trying to find the places that hurt, trying to batten down the hatches against the inevitable waves of pain in case something is broken. “Bear?” he says again.
“Oh
God
,” I whisper.
Hearing my words seems to have more of an effect on Otter than anything else. One moment hes at the top of the stairs and the next he is by my side, and I allow myself to admire how fast he can move. He sinks to his knees and puts out his hands but stops right before he reaches me. Its almost like hes scared to touch me, like Ill crumble beneath him. “Jesus, Bear,” he moans. “Jesus Christ, are you all right?”
The diagnostic check is done, and I am fairly certain that the only things broken within me are my heart and soul. My body seems to be fine, or at least as fine as a body can be after telling the only person I have ever really loved that its over and then falling down a flight of stairs. This strikes me as funny in some sick, twisted way, but the laughter dies in my throat, and I take in a harsh breath.
“I didnt—I didnt
mean—
” Otter says, his eyes wide and shiny.