“Because I cant,” I said, hating myself for not being able to give her what she asked for. “It has nothing to do with you, Anna. Its something about me.”
She nodded and looked away, but not before I saw the hurt in her eyes, hurt that I had once again caused. I cursed myself silently, wondering what in Gods name it would take for me to finally be able to tell the truth. Anything would be better than seeing that look on her face. Anything. Even if I told her, and she looked at me the same way, at least then she would have had justifiable reason to do so. Maybe she could… maybe she
would—
“Anna?” I said, my breath hitching in my chest. “Anna, I—”
“No, Bear,” she whispered, shaking. “I cant do this now. I cant. I thought you were ready to—to tell me. I thought you could one day open up and tell me all that youre hiding from me.”
“Im
trying
,” I said harshly. “This isnt something thats easy for me!”
Her eyes flashed. “Its not making it any easier if you keep it all to yourself!” she shouts. “How can I ever hope to be there for you if you dont trust me!”
I couldnt look at her. Eventually I heard her footsteps as she walked away.
As soon as I got home, Otter saw the look on my face and swept me up in those big arms of his and cradled me like I was nothing more than a child.
It’s okay
, he whispered in my ear.
It’s okay.
As I began to calm, my thoughts strayed to the revelation Id had earlier, the one about him and me. I knew then that I had to do everything in my power to make sure he stayed with me. I had to do everything to make sure I never lost him. Call it fate, call it destiny, call it a cyclone of raging hormones, I dont care. Much like I think that Ty would be lost without me, I knew Id be lost with Otter.
So time passed, and there were good days and there were bad days. There were days where the sun shone so bright that it felt like I was staring directly into it. There were days when I could feel the ocean lapping at my foot and thunder rumbling in the distance, never coming closer, but always making its presence known. There were days that I felt as high as Id ever been in my life, but they were followed by the feeling of falling into a chasm that never ended. Through it all, though, he was there. He tethered me to him, my magnetic north, while my mind went here or there. I always knew. Somehow I always knew.
That disagreements and arguments strengthen relationships. Ill be the first to say thats bullshit. Otter and I rarely fought about anything, and when we did, it was over stupid petty crap that one of us was too stubborn to let go. There were minor things, inconsequential to everybody and everything. Im talking like me canceling plans to have to work or Otter not taking pictures anymore (I knew, though, that if I continued to press
that
one, that we would have a huge blowout, so I always stopped). You know: things that are easy to get over and you wonder why you were even remotely pissed off in the first place. But I dont mean to say that we never had a big one, one that left us both shaking and licking our wounds. All I can remember is that while I was screaming at him and he was lashing out at me, I wished it was over. And when it was, both of us were wide-eyed, and I felt sick and never wanted to do anything like that again. If this was what strengthened relationships, then I was fine with where ours was.
It all started because of Creed.
weeks after my conversation with Anna.
“Hes hanging out with his friend Gage,” I told him. I closed the door
behind me and immediately started listening for sounds of my boyfriend,
wondering why he hadnt come thumping down the stairs yet.
“Gage?” Creed asked. “I thought his friends name is Alex.” I rolled my eyes. “Apparently he made another one. I swear to God,
theyre popping up everywhere. I didnt know this many people went to his
school.” Much like I was trying to work at everything else, I was making an
attempt to let the Kid go do his own thing. He seemed to be shedding his
former self like it was a dusty old skin that hed been wrapped up in for too
long. I was doing my very best to try not to get in the way of his newfound
affinity for anything and everything Kid-like. There were more overnights,
more can-he-go-out-and-plays. I was worried and scared, but constantly told
myself that I wasnt being fair to either of us. Besides, with him doing his
own thing every now and then, it gave Otter and me some much-deserved
alone time.
“Thats cool,” Creed said. “You okay with it?”
I shrugged, half-listening to him, half-listening for Otter. “I think hes
earned it. At least I know its something he
wants
to be doing.” Creed nodded. “Well, thats good.” He paused, considering something
in his head before he said it. He opened his mouth to speak and then closed
it again.
I crossed my arms. “What?”
He grinned. “I may have to bow out of tonight. I kinda-sorta forgot that
Id made plans.”
I raised an eyebrow at him. Wed said we were going to barbecue
tonight while the weather was good. It was late July, and it had been hot, hot
for the first time since I could remember. The ocean was still cold as hell,
but we could stand on the beach without worrying about freezing our asses
off. But Creed leaving had its advantages. I hated to admit it at the time, but
I was relieved at this turn of events, more so than I probably should have
been. With Creed out of the house, it would leave Otter and me to do…
Otter and Bear things.
“Where you running off to?” I asked, trying to push the thought of
riding Otter until we both came out of my head.
He shrugged. “Just out… with some friends.”
“Who?”
“No one you know,” he said vaguely, averting his eyes.
I snorted. “What arent you saying, Creed?”
It looks like we’re both
keeping secrets
, I thought, not as amused at the prospect as I thought Id be. He waved his arm in the air in that dismissive Creed sort of way. “Its
nothing you have to worry your little head about,” he said. “Just going to go
out and see what trouble I can find.”
I laughed. “You sure you dont want company?” I asked, instantly
regretting the offer.
He saved me by saying, “Nah. You and Otter can hang here and have
more fun than I probably will.”
“You okay?” I asked him, seeing sweat on his forehead.
Maybe he’s got
a boyfriend too
, it whispers.
Wouldn’t
that
just be the sweet definition of
irony.
I pushed it away.
Creed grinned again, and it looked a little false. “Im fine, Papa Bear.
Like I said, its nothing for you to worry about. Ill probably get bored and
come home early.”
“Alright,” I said, eyeing him again. I looked around, annoyed that his
brother hadnt shown himself yet. “Wheres Otter?”
Creed jerked his head, indicating that his brother was upstairs. I looked
up and saw his door was shut. I glanced back at Creed, who brought his
finger to his lips and motioned for me to follow him. I looked back at the
door and walked after Creed. He went through the kitchen to the patio door
and opened it, walking outside. I chased after him, suddenly wondering why
everyone seem to be harboring secrets these days. He closed the door behind
me and turned to me.
“Well?” I asked him, trying to keep the edge off my voice. “Why do we
have to go outside?”
“I dont want Otter to hear me. He thinks I meddle enough,” he said,
sitting down on an expensive Adirondack chair that sat in the backyard. “Meddle about what?” I asked, not wanting to know.
He shook his head and put his arms up and back, stretching. “You
know,” he said, “Ive only got Otters best interests at heart. I dont know
why he doesnt see it that way.”
It was hot but I felt a chill. “What did you do?”
He looked surprised. “
I
didnt do anything. Jesus Christ, you guys are
spending way too much time together. Youre starting to sound like him.” I shrugged, ignoring the comment. “Fine,” I conceded, “what did he
do?”
“Its what hes
been
doing, Bear. I mean, come on: youve seen him.
Hes been skipping around here for the last two months like he hasnt a
goddamn care in the world. He wont tell me whats going on. And from
what youve told me,” he said, looking at me pointedly, “he hasnt said
anything to you, either.”
“Maybe theres nothing to say, Creed. Cant a person be happy and not
have to have some big reason for it?”
He laughed. “You would think so, but no. Not with Otter. You should
know that as well as I do. That guy wears his heart on his sleeve. If there is
something for him to be happy about, he shows it. Just like if something is
tearing him up, he shows that too. Remember when he first got here?” I nodded.
“Id never seen him like that before,” Creed said, looking out over his
backyard. “I didnt know what to do. But then I go away for a couple of
weeks, and I come back, and I see him like Ive never seen him before
again. But its completely opposite, right? Like hes found the greatest thing
in the world, and hes over the goddamn moon about it. At first I thought he
was bipolar or some shit, but it hasnt gone away. For two fucking months
now, its been all happy and rosy. I want to know what the hell happened to
make him turn around like that.”
I looked down at my hands, trying not to show the glow that had started
to burn through my body.
It’s because of me
, I thought, filling with wonder.
Your brother is like that because of me.
I made up my mind in that instant and was about to tell Creed
everything when he said, “I think its because of Jonah.”
Uh—what?
“Jonah?” I spat, unable to keep the venom from my voice. Creed didnt
seem to notice.
“Yeah, I think he and Jonah started to work things out, and thats whats
going on with him. I ask him about it, and of course he denies it like the
little bitch he is, but I hear them talking on the phone every now and then. I
can never make out what theyre saying, no matter how hard I try. But what
else is there? Its not like hes fucking anyone else here in Seafare. Hes
either with me, or hes with you. And I can guarantee its not either of us
thats making him all giddy and gay.”
My mind wouldnt compute. “He talks to Jonah on the phone?” I asked
stupidly.
Creed glanced over at me, completely oblivious to the fact that seawater
had made its way up to my knees in just a few seconds. He couldnt hear the
storm just off the coast because it was in my head. Its always in my head.
“Every once in a while, they do,” he told me. “But like I said, he wont tell
me anything about it.”
“Why would he be talking to
him
?” I asked, more to myself than to
Creed.
“Why wouldnt he?” Creed said, perplexed. “Jonah used to be his
boyfriend. Otters not the kind of person that can just wipe someone away.”
And those words sounded familiar, and then I remembered that Otter had
said the same thing, right after wed had sex the first time. We lay in my
bed, and he told me that he couldnt just get rid of someone so quickly, not
when theyve been a huge part of his life. I remembered feeling sad that I
would never have that part of Otters past, and I remembered feeling slight
twinges of jealousy. However, it was nothing compared to what I felt right
then. Not even
close
.
My teeth ground together as I said, “So you think its all Jonah? You
think
Jonah’s
the reason why hes happy?”
IT’S NOT HIM!
I wanted to
scream.
IT WILL NEVER BE HIM AGAIN! I’M THE ONE THAT MAKES
OTTER HAPPY! IT’S BECAUSE OF ME, YOU SON OF A BITCH!
But of course, naturally, predictably, I said nothing.
Creed shrugged. “Like I said, Bear, I dont know what else it could be.
He only talks to us, the Kid, and Jonah. I know its nothing
we’ve
done. So
by process of elimination, who does that leave?”
Now, I knew he was wrong, or at least thats what I tried to tell myself.
It couldnt be Jonah, because it was me. I was the reason Otter had changed,
the reason hed been happy over the last two months. Hell, I was the reason
he came home in the first place.
He came home for me
. Jonah was no longer
a part of this. Or so I had thought.
Why the hell is he talking to Jonah?
I
thought, my mind racing.
Why the hell is he talking to him, and why the hell
has he never said anything to me about it? That’s all in the past! That’s all
supposed to be in his past!
I thought maybe it was because he was unhappy
with me for some reason. I thought it was because I wasnt as good a lay as
Jonah. I thought it was because I was effectively keeping Otter in the closet.
I thought it was because I made him
promise
to stay in the closet about this.
I thought so many things, each more irrational than the last, but I couldnt
help it. Ive said it before: Ive never been the jealous type. With Anna, I knew that any guy who hit on her would be getting nowhere. Wed always make fun of them later. With Anna, that was never an issue.
So why is it one with him?
it asked.
If you love him like you’ve never loved anyone in your
life, then why can’t you trust him on this?
I couldnt answer.
“Bear?” Creed said, breaking me from the storm. “You okay?” “Yeah,” I muttered, not okay at all.
“I thought I lost you there for a second,” he said, staring at me. “You
looked like you were going to throw up.”
“Creed, theres something I need to tell you.” The words were out
before I could stop them.
“What, Bear?” Creed asked.
This was it. This was going to be the moment. This was going to be the
time that I told him. I was going to tell him something I should have told
him a long time ago. He deserved as much. He was my brother. Hed seen
me at my worst and at my best. He held me as I cried when my mother left.
If he could do that, then fuck him if he couldnt accept this. My mind was
wild, and it burned, but oh my God, I had to do this.
“Im sorry I didnt say—” I started but was interrupted as the patio door
behind me opened and Otter came out.
“Hey, whats up?” He grinned at me, that lopsided, beautiful grin. “I
didnt hear you get here.”
“Thats because you were being all lovey-dovey on the phone,” Creed
snorted. “Jesus Christ, Otter, I dont know why you dont just tell us about
Jonah. I know you were talking to him on the phone. Even Bear agrees with
me. Right, Bear?” Creed looked over at me and dropped a wink, and I
wanted to punch him in the throat.
“Right, Creed,” I said hollowly, the water up to my chest.
“See?” Creed said, laughing. “Now just fucking give it up and tell us!
When are we going to meet the future Mrs. Otter Thompson? You might as
well bring him here. Can you imagine Mom and Dad? Thats going to be
fucking hilarious!” Creed broke off into another gale of laughter, unaware
that he was the only one that found something funny. I could feel Otters
eyes on me, and as much I as I didnt want to, I turned to him. His gaze was
surprised and sad and wary all at the same time. He recoiled slightly when
he saw what was in mine, and I did nothing to stop it.
So close
, I thought
bitterly.
So close to finally being honest.
What’s stopping you?
the voice asked.
You can still set this right. Tell Creed to shut the hell up for one goddamn second and
tell
him. Make him understand that no one, not him, certainly not
Jonah
, can make Otter happy like you do. It’s not too late to tell the truth. It’s
never
too late to tell the
truth.
But I didnt, and at first I couldnt understand why. I stared at Otter, and
he stared back at me, and Creed laughed and laughed, and then it hit me: the
reason I didnt say anything was because Otter had done nothing to deny
what Creed had said. He sat there, gawking at me, and he did nothing to
refute, nothing to take it away. I grit my teeth together, relishing the
pressure it put on my jaw. I had lightning in my ears and seawater in my
nose. I felt like I was drowning.
“Well, I can see youre going to be as forthright as always,” Creed said,
looking down at his watch. “Ive got to get out of here to go… do that thing
I said I had to do.” I took note on how his voice had hesitated, but it was
washed away, trapped in the tide. Creed stood and patted me on the back,
telling me he would see me later. He chuckled as he playfully punched Otter
on the shoulder and walked past him. The patio door shut behind him. I
heard his keys jingle through the glass, and then the front door opened and
closed. I heard the car door open and shut. I heard the car start. I heard the
car drive away. I heard all this above the storm raging in my head and heart. Otter sighed and walked up to me and hunkered down before me. When
he normally did this, Id always found it slightly endearing. This time,
though, I just glared at him.
“Bear,” he said, reaching up to grab my hand.
“Dont,” I growled at him, pulling my hand away like he was going to
scald me.
I stood up and pushed past him, about to walk back into the house (to go
inside? to walk away?) but before I could make it to the door, Otter grabbed
my arm. I struggled in vain to break free. His massive paw gripped me
tightly, and finally I turned to glare at him.
“Where are you going?” he asked me, an edge in his voice. “Were you
just going to leave and not even talk about this?”
“I would think,” I scowled at him, “that if you wanted to talk about this,
you would have told me about it already. Tell me, Otter: just how many