Authors: Patricia Hagan
“That wouldn’t happen to us, not my way. I’d work at making you love me, because I’d know you could leave me anytime. We wouldn’t take each other for granted. Our love would never die away to ashes like that dead fire over there.”
“Some married people
are
happy,” she countered. “Myles and Teresa are happy.”
“They just got married a few months ago! But maybe they’re going to be different. For their sake, I hope so.” He took a deep breath. “You love me, Julie. I know you do. And I know you’re not a trollop. You’re a lady. If I’ve ever made you feel like less, I’m so sorry. Lord knows I taught you what it means to be a woman.” He grinned.
“Yes, you did,” she agreed. “I won’t deny it. I love for you to make love to me. But, Derek, that’s not all there is to life. And understand one thing right now…” She glared at him. “I’m not husband-hunting. I don’t believe a woman can’t make it without a man. I’m going out west to start a new life—for myself. If somewhere along the way I fall in love with a man and he falls in love with me and we want to marry, fine. But that is not my great need in life. Can you understand that? Or are you too conceited not to think every woman wants to marry
you
?”
He smiled, slowly and infuriatingly. “Now that we understand each other so well, why don’t you move into the supply wagon and be my mistress, at least until we get to Arizona? We’ve got a lot of long, cold nights ahead of us, Julie.”
When she remained silent, he decided to smooth over that last ill-considered remark. “At least let’s be friends,” he offered with a faint smile.
She drew away. “Derek, I don’t think you know me at all,” she said through a veil of tears. “I’m not the same woman I was during the war years. I’m stronger now.”
He shook his head. “No, Julie, you’re wrong. You’re weaker now. When the war started you were strong, but it left you weak. You’re afraid, afraid to be a woman…and goddamn it, I pity you more than I can say.”
He walked away, then suddenly turned and murmured, “Your eyes really are misty now. You can’t lie about it, can you, Julie?”
She blinked back the tears as best she could.
A few minutes later, Thomas came ashore, waving and calling. After dismounting and turning the horses over to Derek, he rushed over to Julie. “Are you all right? Damn! You had us scared to death! A fool stunt that was! Your horses made it ashore, thank goodness, but your wagon’s gone. Myles is fit to be tied. You can bet he’ll have plenty to say to you. And poor Teresa, we thought she’d never stop crying.”
She was sorry Teresa was upset, especially in her condition. “I didn’t want to lose my wagon,” she told Thomas feebly. “But I did. I’m sorry I caused everyone trouble.”
“Let’s go,” Derek called. “The snow’s getting thicker. We’ve been lucky so far.”
Julie started toward Derek, but Thomas caught her arm and drew her back to speak to her alone. He whispered hoarsely, “Julie, you know how I feel about you, how I’ve always felt. Last night, did you and Derek…?” He swallowed hard, forcing himself to ask, “Did you make up?”
“Nothing has changed, Thomas,” she said firmly, meaning both that she and Derek had not been lovers and that there was also no chance for a love affair between her and Thomas. Thomas was a dear, and she loved her wonderful cousin and friend, but there could not be more between them.
He nodded sadly, understanding, and said tightly, “Let’s get going. The snow is really getting bad.”
They reached the other side easily enough, and Myles lifted Julie down from the horse. Shivering with cold she gratefully accepted the warm blanket Teresa held out to her, giving her sister-in-law a guilty look. They hurried to the camp fire, which hissed irritably against the assault of the snow. Julie nodded in silent agreement as Myles admonished her for her foolishness, interjecting apologies whenever he paused for breath. She was grateful for Teresa’s smiling presence. Julie had done what she felt she had to do. Teresa understood that.
Others gathered around, some condemning by their stares. A wagon train, understandably, didn’t welcome unnecessary trouble. Julie appreciated that. But what was done was done. She was sorry and hoped they knew it, but it was she who had lost her wagon and supplies. Surely that was punishment enough?
The train was much smaller than when they’d left Brunswick in the fall. There’d been fifty wagons then. God, what a sad lot they’d been, gaunt, bedraggled soldiers, spared the further agonies of war only because of their wounds. The women grieved for the past and feared the danger ahead. Many had fallen by the wayside, unable to continue the treacherous journey. Some, like Teresa’s grandparents, had succumbed to illness. Julie had wept at the graves of all of them, and the people who remained were dear to her. She counted twenty-six wagons in the snowy mist. She did not want her friends angry with her.
“Julie needs dry clothes,” Teresa interjected as Myles continued his censure.
“All right,” he said sighing, giving his sister a hug to let her know she was forgiven. “Just please, in the future, obey the rules—whether you like them or not. Okay?”
Julie nodded and went with Teresa to their wagon. Inside, she gratefully accepted a dress of thick wool, then reached eagerly for the tin of hot coffee Teresa offered.
After a few quiet moments, her sister-in-law shyly began, “I am so very sorry for what you had to endure, Julie, and I’m thankful you’re safe. Don’t be hurt by what Myles said. He’s just upset because he was so worried. But he’ll get over it, and so will everyone else.”
“Everything he said was true. It was stupid of me.”
“What about Derek?” Teresa asked hesitantly. Julie glanced up sharply, and Teresa said hastily, “I mean, was he very angry?”
Julie nodded.
“He didn’t hesitate to jump right in that icy water,” Teresa rushed to explain. “He pushed everyone else out of the way.”
“He’s wagon master. That’s his job.”
Teresa, gathering her nerve, stated flatly, “It was more than that, and you know it. Forgive me if I’m interfering, but Myles has told me about you and Derek. It makes me sad to see you so unhappy. Is there no way the two of you can…can…?”
Blinking furiously, Julie gulped the coffee, then set the empty tin aside. “No. Derek is a strange man, Teresa, and I doubt he’ll ever love any woman enough to marry her. I can’t accept less.”
“But he loves you!” Teresa cried. “The way he looks at you! And he didn’t hesitate to risk his life to save you.”
Julie gazed at Teresa. She loved her, loved that gentle, sensitive, trusting person. Suddenly, she felt the need to confide, and she told her, “Derek wants me to be his mistress. I refuse, Teresa. As much as I love him, I won’t accept that.
“Besides,” she added tartly, “I can survive without a man.”
“Even in the wilderness?”
“I won’t marry a man just to take care of me, either. I will marry only for love, and…” She fell silent, staring at Teresa in wonder. “You aren’t shocked that he asked me to be his mistress?”
Teresa laughed and shook her head. “Not at all. From what I’ve seen of Derek Arnhardt, I believe he would want a mistress instead of a wife. Now, Myles might be shocked and angry that he would ask such a thing. But I’m a woman, Julie, and even though I love your brother with all my heart, I can appreciate the fact that Derek is quite a man. Frankly, I don’t see how you can refuse him. I imagine he’d really know how to make a woman feel like a woman.”
There was a long pause before Julie said, “Now I’m the one who’s shocked. I’ve always taken you to be so prim and proper.”
“You’re teasing me,” Teresa grinned. “You aren’t surprised at all.”
“I suppose not,” Julie admitted, “but just try to understand how I feel. I won’t accept Derek’s offer, and the best thing both of us can do is forget that we ever loved.”
“And do you think you can do that?” Teresa asked. Julie didn’t answer.
A moment later, Esther Webber came in, carrying a fresh pot of coffee. “I’m so thankful you’re safe,” she told Julie. “We turned over yesterday, you know. We lost everything. I’m just glad to be alive.”
Julie accepted the coffee gratefully. She liked Esther well enough, but the woman did love to gossip—and Julie felt that was a waste of anyone’s time. Sure enough, Esther began to report what people had said in criticism of Julie.
“I know some people are mad at me,” Julie said softly. “In time, they’ll get over it.”
Teresa chimed in. “Just as soon as something else happens to give them something else to talk about.”
Esther, a plump woman whose eyes glittered with excitement when she had special gossip to impart, feigned disgust as she lowered her voice conspiratorially. “I think it’s terrible what some of the women are saying.”
Julie and Teresa exchanged looks.
Esther shook with eagerness as she rushed on. “It’s absolutely sinful to suggest that, just because you and Captain Arnhardt were alone all night on the other side of the river, something immoral went on. They even say you planned the whole thing so the captain would save you and you’d have to spend the night on the other side, that you’ve been throwing yourself at him since we left Brunswick. Isn’t that terrible?
“After all,” she continued, eyes blinking, “we all know you are a lady, and the captain a gentleman. He would certainly not take advantage of a situation, and you wouldn’t stand for it if he did. It’s just nasty gossip is all it is. I’m sure there’s a special place in hell for people who talk that way.” She smiled at them.
Julie was stunned, speechless, staring at her incredulously. Teresa was instantly furious. “Who would dare say such things? Esther, you tell us right now who is responsible. Myles will want to speak with them. And I’m sure the captain will set them straight. We will not stand for slander.”
Esther’s smile faded. “I’d rather not say.” She picked nervously at her cloak. “I don’t want to cause trouble.”
“Well, you already have,” Teresa snapped. “How many other people have you told about this? Really, Esther, you’re just as bad as a person who starts gossip when you spread it around.”
“Well, pardon me!” Esther cried. She rose to leave. “I thought I was doing you a favor, coming to let you know. Now you blame me for it! I had nothing to do with it.”
Teresa said calmly, “If you refuse to tell us who started this ugly talk, then at least do Julie a favor and not spread it any further.”
Forcing her anger below the surface, Julie said, “Esther, would you be so kind as to tell me who would even think such a thing? I would like to go to them and tell them how wrong they are.”
Suddenly the curtain covering the back of the wagon opened, and they looked down to find Elisa Thatcher glaring up at them. “I’ll be glad to tell you, Julie,” she exploded, eyes flashing, lips curled back in a snarl. “I said those things, and I said them because they’re true. You have been throwing yourself at Captain Arnhardt since the day he rode into Brunswick. It’s obvious to anyone who has eyes. You’ve been so brazen. Flirting with a man is one thing, but causing him to risk his life, holding up the entire wagon train because you want a chance to be alone with him all night, well, that’s another matter entirely. My goodness, can’t you just meet him after dark?”
Julie and Teresa were too stunned to speak, and even Esther Webber was shocked by the young woman’s outburst.
Teresa was the first to recover. “You are very cruel, Elisa Thatcher. And very wrong. I demand that you apologize to my sister-in-law at once and stop spreading lies, or I will have to tell my husband and Captain Arnhardt about this.”
“Tell your husband,” Elisa taunted, hands on her hips as she swished her long skirt sassily. “Tell him what his sister is. I don’t care. And Derek already knows the kind of woman she is. Shameless!” She pointed her finger at Julie and cried, “Wanton! You would be doing everyone a favor if you left the train at San Angelo. We don’t want your kind!”
Julie was trying to contain herself. Oh, how easy it would be to give in to the fury and attack the haughty witch, rake her nails down Elisa’s lying face. But she would not be goaded. “I have no intention of leaving this wagon train, Elisa, and if you don’t get away from me right this minute, I am going to do something you will regret!”
Elisa’s eyes widened, but she stood her ground. “I’m not afraid of you, Julie Marshall!” she told her, a slight tremor in her voice. “But I imagine you are adept at unladylike brawling, so I’ll leave now.”
Julie stood staring at her, and Elisa taunted, moving away slowly, “Maybe I can’t make you leave the wagon train, but I can make you wish you had. I’ll make sure that every wife knows you’re a hungry man-chaser.”
“What have I ever done to you to make you want to hurt me this way, Elisa?” Julie asked quietly.
“I don’t want to associate with trash like you!” Elisa replied hotly, then turned and scurried toward her wagon.
Teresa put her arm around Julie’s trembling body. “I am so sorry. Just try to understand that she’s going through a very hard time right now, expecting a baby, her husband not here to be with her. I’m sure she’ll apologize when she realizes what she’s done.”
Julie shook her head. “No,” she murmured thoughtfully. “It’s more than that.”
“What do you mean?” Teresa asked. Esther was listening, and Teresa wished she would leave. She had witnessed the ugly scene and would waste no time making sure the entire wagon train heard about it.