I felt a pang. Just for a second, like a faint echo somewhere in my mind, I could hear Annie telling me that I was doing fine and that he would be lucky to have me. She was always on my side when it came to boys. She always told me that every boy should fall for me because I deserved it.
But Annie wasn't here. Annie wasn't really anywhere for me anymore.
My GWS would have been all supportive and understanding and full of wisdom and guidance. But they weren't really anywhere for me anymore either. Not unless I could find a connected computer.
I sat for a minute and contemplated becoming depressed and sorry for myself, but I decided that was too boring. I'd spent too much time by myself recently, feeling like the world was a big, chaotic, and basically unfriendly place. I was getting tired of my own grumpy company. Maybe I should see if Marina was floating around anywhere. She'd probably have some words of wisdom on my pseudo-romance with the Wolfman.
I made my way down to the yard door to see if she might be outside. I had to sign out of the ward with one of the guards posted at every doorway. I suppose they weren't actually guards but that's what they felt like to me. Anyway, once I had signed on the dotted line I was allowed to leave the enclosed hallway for the enclosed yard.
I have to admit that the yard was prettier once you were actually out in it than I had realized. I had only been there once, on the first day of my incarceration. I was given the grand tour that day, as if I was some honored guest who was choosing to be there for a holiday or something. I didn't really notice anything but the walls that time. But the strange thing was that this time the walls were barely noticeable. I mean, I could see them and everything but they were covered with vines that kind of crept up them and softened them with colors.
There were several flower gardens scattered about, filled with bright blossoms that reminded me of Mom's garden at home. Mom's a flower fanatic. She spends hours every year creating what my dad calls a “symphony for the eyes.” Every year she puts different flowers in. She never knows what they're called or how they're supposed to grow or anything, but they always seem to look just perfect. Everyone stops to look at our house when they're walking down the street. She spends all summer weeding and watering and playing around in the dirt. My mom loves beautiful things.
My mom. Looking at the bright colors in the gardens in front of me, I suddenly missed my mom.
Marina didn't seem to be out there anywhere. Actually, no one was there but me so I decided to stick around a bit just in case she showed up. I took a deep breath and sat on one of the benches. The sun was warm on my face. I could almost feel my pale skin starting to look healthier. The flowers shifted a little in the slight wind that was blowing, and seemed to be smiling at me. I caught myself smiling back as if they were guests at a party I was hosting and I was about to make small talk. I smiled again, this time in silent laughter at myself. I didn't seem to be able to talk intelligently to any of the actual people here, but I was grinning at flowers as if they were going to be my new best friends.
The sky was an impossible shade of blue. I couldn't even think of words to describe it and I was someone who was full of words. I love words. I've been collecting them for as long as I can remember. I've always loved writing stories and poems and coming up with as many different ways to describe things
as I could create. But this sky was beyond anything I had ever come up with. It was too perfect for words. It went on forever and, staring at it, I suddenly felt like I was free somehow, as if nothing could truly hold me back.
It only lasted a minute but it was a good minute. I hadn't had a lot of good minutes in the past few months so I savored it the way you let a good chocolate bar slowly melt in your mouth.
Thinking of chocolate made me think about Wolf. Then again, just about everything made me think about Wolf. He seemed to have a really different opinion about this place than I did. That didn't make him right, though, did it? I mean, he was cute and a guy and seemed to think I was less than repulsive, but that still didn't make him right about everything.
I decided to stop thinking about him or about anyone for a moment while I sat out there in the sunshine. It felt nice, warm and quiet. Not quiet like no talking. Quiet like my insides were settling down for a moment or two. I couldn't remember the last time I had felt like that. It was like starting to breathe again after holding my breath for a long, long time.
divinethinspiration says:
hey
nevertoothin says:
hey urself.
divinethinspiration says:
had crap day. wish all guys were shot into space
bodaciousbod says:
hey, welcome to the club. we all do lots of wishing like that.
nevertoothin says:
guys can be a pain for sure
lookingforlight says:
not all guys
bodaciousbod says:
u just say that cause you have a b/f
lookingforlight says:
true
nevertoothin says:
what happened dt?
divinethinspiration says:
oh, just girl meets boy girl likes boy boy doesn't like girl boy likes different girl different girl mean nasty and deserves to die
nevertoothin says:
nah, just deserves to be fat
bodaciousbod says:
we can cast a fat spell
nevertoothin says:
i think that's a different group of girls. wonderful wicca or something
divinethinspiration says:
wonderful wicked wicca! lol
bodaciousbod says:
we can make her a size 14.
nevertoothin says:
speaking of size, i bought a pair of 0's today. yay
lookingforlight says:
yeah, i wish i could be a size 0 but i'm still a 1. yuk
divinethinspiration says:
i won't tell you my size then. ud freak.
bodaciousbod says:
no way. we can help. we know lots of ways to change size. it's all good.
nevertoothin says:
totally. everyone shares.
divinethinspiration says:
sounds awesome. not too many ppl around here share with me. they all want me to be fat.
nevertoothin says:
been there. no one understands do they??? but we do.
bodaciousbod says:
totally. did you check my pics?
nevertoothin says:
totally bodacious! lol. you look great. i can't wait to look like you.
bodaciousbod says:
hey, dt, you check out the pic gallery?
divinethinspiration says:
not yet.
bodaciousbod says:
well, take a look. you can post there too.
divinethinspiration says:
no way. too fat.
lookingforlight says:
i hear that! no way u'll get me there!
bodaciousbod says:
u always say that lfl. we all know ur just shy. or maybe ur just so gorgeous u don't want to hurt our feelings.
lookingforlight says:
lol. hahahahahhahahahhahahahhahahah. but it's nice u said it. thx.
nevertoothin says:
thing is we all have to remember that we stick up for each other. no secrets. u don't have to hide urself from us. no shadows.
lookingforlight says:
i know. just not ready. u guys all look so wonderful though.
divinethinspiration says:
i'm with u, lfl. not ready either.
nevertoothin says: s'ok. no pressure. just keep working on it till you feel ready.
bodaciousbod says:
totally
divinethinspiration says:
thx guys
nevertoothin says:
if ur having trouble, check out tips link. lots of good stuff.
divinethinspiration says:
will do. checking pics too so i can see who i'm talking to!
lookingforlight says: cept me!
divinethinspiration says:
cept me too. can't always even see myself these days.
nevertoothin says: that's cause ur still looking at your shadow instead of the true u. give it time. some day.
divinethinspiration says:
don't like time much.
lookingforlight says:
time's ok. lets you get stuff done.
divinethinspiration says:
makes me think i didn't get enough done.
lookingforlight says:
no. should make you think that there's always more of it and always another day to get thin and beautiful. lol
divinethinspiration says:
good 1! lolx2. going to go check out rest of site for a while before bed. need some sleep b4 school.
nevertoothin says:
yuck.
bodaciousbodsays:
yuckx2
lookingforlight says:
i kind of like school.
nevertoothinsays:
miss positive!
divinethinspiration says:
gnight miss positive and misses yuck & yuck.
The picture gallery was a collection of photographs that people on the site had taken of themselves and posted for everyone else to see. Some people posted before and after
photos. Others just put on the after ones because they didn't want anyone to see the before ones. There were all kinds of pictures. Sometimes they were all alone and sometimes with friends or pets. None of them seemed to be with family members. Sometimes they had fancy outfits on, but lots were in bikinis so they could really show off their bods.
Bodaciousbod was there in a pair of shorts and a T-shirt that kind of looked like it was painted on. She had streaked blond, brown, and reddish hair and green eyes. She was smiling and looked happy with herself. She was really thin and definitely beautiful. I figured she was pretty happy with herself. I wondered if you got to stop dieting when you started looking that good or if you had to do it forever. I had to remember to ask her the next time we were chatting.
Nevertoothin was there too. Or I figured it had to be her because it said NTT. She had short, black curly hair and dark mysterious eyes that were all made up to look even darker and more mysterious. She had dark red lipstick on and a black slinky dress with heels. She looked like some kind of sophisticated vampire ⦠not that I would ever say that to her! The dress clung to her and I'm pretty sure you could see her ribs through the sheer material. She really looked like she worked hard at it. She wasn't smiling in her picture, though. She had a very serious, almost angry expression, like she was daring anyone to get up in her face.
I was kind of glad lookingforlight wasn't there either. It made me feel less like a loser and more like part of the group to know I wasn't the only shy one. She seemed like a really nice girl. Her name suited her. She seemed kind of sunshiny
and nice. I wondered what she looked like and what her name was. She seemed like someone I would hang around with in real life. Not that this wasn't real life, but it would have been cool to meet all three of them live and in person and actually have people to hang around with.
I was sure that Ruth, Devon, and Alyssa had given up on me by now. I had pretty much stopped talking to any of them. That was OK. I didn't really need them anymore. Friends move on. It's all part of growing up.
As for Annie, well, even our walks to school seemed to be happening less and less often. The corner we always used to meet at was empty more often than not as time went on. Like our friendship, I guess. She seemed to be in a different place than I was and we were running out of things to talk about. We still tried to talk once in a while, but it felt strange, like we had just met for the first time and were trying to find common ground in order to have a conversation.
My GWS were my real friends now. I know that certain people would try to tell me that I couldn't call a bunch of pictures and words on a screen real but I knew different. There were real, live girls behind those words and they cared about me and thought the way I did about life. I trusted them with my secrets. I knew they were on my side.
I looked at pictures of girls from other forums and chat rooms as well. I keep saying “girls” because there weren't any boys at all on the site. I knew from my research that there were some boys who tried to get their bodies under control as well, but there didn't seem to be nearly as many as girls. I assumed boys didn't feel as pressured to watch their weight as girls.
Most of the models on magazines that were shouting about diets and things were women. Most of the advertisements on TV that pushed all the diet clubs were done by actresses, not actors. Maybe men were allowed to be chubbier than women, so boys didn't worry about it as much. Maybe I didn't know anything about it because I wasn't a boy. Maybe I didn't really care because I wasn't a boy.
The girls in the photo gallery all looked a lot happier in the “after” photos than in the “before” ones, just like in all those diet ads. Everything about them was smaller except for their smiles. They all had completely flat tummies with nice sticky-outy pelvic bones. Their arms were nice and firm, with no flab. Most of them had sharp cheekbones that made their eyes look awesomely large. Their thighs and calves were pretty much the same size. My thighs were still disgustingly bigger than my calves. My cheekbones were not bad, but not as good as the pictures. My stomach was smaller than it used to be but still too round. The pictures made me realize how much work I still had to do.
I spent a little more time playing around with the site map and found all sorts of helpful things. There were diet tips and some exercises for specific body parts. The celebrity pics were there of course, but that didn't really interest me as much as the real person pics. There was this list of Forty Reasons You Need to Be Thin that I wished I could print out and pin to my wall, but my mother wasn't too great at respecting the privacy of my room so I couldn't do that. I saved it to my favorites instead.
Sighing, I finally turned off the computer. I was really tired. The day had taken a lot out of me and all I wanted to do was
lie down. At the same time I felt pretty jazzed because I felt like I had finally found some friends who really understood me and I didn't think I would be able to sleep. I had a desk full of homework to do. I sat for a minute, thinking. I looked down at my belly and then over at my desk. Taking my robe off, I put on my sweats and pulled my exercise mat out from under my bed. I lay down staring at the ceiling. Closing my eyes, I silently apologized to the homework gods and started the first set of exercises that targeted unsightly belly fat that I had taken the risk of printing, figuring I could hide it in a book somewhere so no one would see.